Confronted wife about cheating

[merrmeade]

Having finally read entire thread, I think WS making a "decision" to come back to the marriage probably feels like (false) closure, everybody in catharsis. Still would like to encourage OP to stay in touch with deep feelings if possible and realize you've only just begun. It's a very confusing time, but the reality of what she's done and what you need to know will very soon hit. I wish I'd been true to my anger and grief, rather than putting it on hold. The WS's remorse is key. For that, she needs to feel your pain, acknowledge her wrong thinking. You both need for that to happen.

[Spectre]

Dude if you think fighting so hard to have her back is going to make her not cheat? I..I don't even know what to say to you on that. You fighting so hard to get this cheater back is essentially giving her permission to walk all over you. What size shoe does she wear and does she wear heels a lot? I only ask because I worry about the condition your back will be in after all this.

[Darren Steez]

This thread.. *smh*

[HereNorThere]

Update. For those that lent me their help, here is an update. I am about 6 weeks into this seperation. As of now, she is at the apartment and I am at the house. We are both getting marriage counseling. We have started "dating" for the last 2 weeks in order to see if we can reignite that spark. (I can honestly say that the distance apart actually has for the both of us. She has been working very hard to try to earn my trust back. I have been working very hard to work through the pain of this affair. I can say that we both have made progress in these missions. Are we out of the woods? I would say that I believe we are. Could the OM show up in a phone call or text? Yep, but I have had that discussion with her. I even offered to allow her the relationship with my blessing. I explained that I would let her live in peace and grant her the divorce without a fuss and then she could have this relationship that she though she was going to have. She flatly denied the offer. She told me that she messed up and that what she wanted was right in front of her the whole time, she was just to blind to see it. We have been working daily on this relationship and we both are having feelings that we have not had in years. So at this point, we are going to spend our first night together for valentine's day. My family is watching the kids. This is the logical next step to seeing if a long term reconciliation is in the cards. We have spent every day together and I am seeing more and more of the girl I met so many years ago. Affection such as hand holding, laughing, and hugs are given out with sincerity. There are still moments of pain for both of us, but that is to be expected. These moments last a much briefer time as we continue to heal from this experience. My advice to those facing the same situation is to give your spouse space and do a reset on your relationship. If it is meant to be, it is meant be. If not, so be it and you will not have to live with a life of regret. I did not give up on the woman I love. We have 17 years of marriage and friendship that I thought was worth trying to save. As of now, it looks like WE did exactly that.

 

A little side note for those that may be going through the same experience. I asked her what made her have a change of heart from her affair ways. She said that when I fought for her to the extent that I did and the OM was afraid to do anything about it, it awoke a passion for me. We talked at great lengths about the whole thing. What we found was that i did nothing and let her go, that the other man was saying everything she wanted to hear for to go through with it. In other words, if I would of did the 180, she and I would be no more. She would be divorced. It was because I showed what a real man will do for his girl that opened her eyes to what she actually wanted. My actions spoke louder than his words. And this may be an isolated case, but I believe that you need to do what your heart tells you to do. Am I all clear? Nope, but we are definitely going in the right direction. The kids are extremely happy and things between us are actually better than they have been in many years. (On a real affection level) Hope this helps someone...I know it helps me. Thank you for listening and the advice.

 

So she basically just said "The other guy just wanted sex, but I need you around to do the heavy lifting." To me, it doesn't seem like much changed. She still has you on a leash, but far enough away that she can continue to see OM as well. Sounds like a pretty good deal for her.

 

You said "if I had done the 180, we'd be divorced" like that's a bad thing.

 

This post makes me sad.

[Radu]

Update. For those that lent me their help, here is an update. I am about 6 weeks into this seperation. As of now, she is at the apartment and I am at the house. We are both getting marriage counseling. We have started "dating" for the last 2 weeks in order to see if we can reignite that spark. (I can honestly say that the distance apart actually has for the both of us. She has been working very hard to try to earn my trust back. I have been working very hard to work through the pain of this affair. I can say that we both have made progress in these missions. Are we out of the woods? I would say that I believe we are. Could the OM show up in a phone call or text? Yep, but I have had that discussion with her. I even offered to allow her the relationship with my blessing. I explained that I would let her live in peace and grant her the divorce without a fuss and then she could have this relationship that she though she was going to have. She flatly denied the offer. She told me that she messed up and that what she wanted was right in front of her the whole time, she was just to blind to see it. We have been working daily on this relationship and we both are having feelings that we have not had in years. So at this point, we are going to spend our first night together for valentine's day. My family is watching the kids. This is the logical next step to seeing if a long term reconciliation is in the cards. We have spent every day together and I am seeing more and more of the girl I met so many years ago. Affection such as hand holding, laughing, and hugs are given out with sincerity. There are still moments of pain for both of us, but that is to be expected. These moments last a much briefer time as we continue to heal from this experience. My advice to those facing the same situation is to give your spouse space and do a reset on your relationship. If it is meant to be, it is meant be. If not, so be it and you will not have to live with a life of regret. I did not give up on the woman I love. We have 17 years of marriage and friendship that I thought was worth trying to save. As of now, it looks like WE did exactly that.

 

A little side note for those that may be going through the same experience. I asked her what made her have a change of heart from her affair ways. She said that when I fought for her to the extent that I did and the OM was afraid to do anything about it, it awoke a passion for me. We talked at great lengths about the whole thing. What we found was that i did nothing and let her go, that the other man was saying everything she wanted to hear for to go through with it. In other words, if I would of did the 180, she and I would be no more. She would be divorced. It was because I showed what a real man will do for his girl that opened her eyes to what she actually wanted. My actions spoke louder than his words. And this may be an isolated case, but I believe that you need to do what your heart tells you to do. Am I all clear? Nope, but we are definitely going in the right direction. The kids are extremely happy and things between us are actually better than they have been in many years. (On a real affection level) Hope this helps someone...I know it helps me. Thank you for listening and the advice.

 

You are still kissing up to her, putting her on a pedestal [better than you for sure] and carrying the relationship.

 

She's just being given a ride.

[toolforgrowth]

This is what happens:

 

 

When you do this:

 

 

Please...be careful.

[Try]

I asked her what made her have a change of heart from her affair ways. She said that when I fought for her to the extent that I did and the OM was afraid to do anything about it, it awoke a passion for me. We talked at great lengths about the whole thing. What we found was that i did nothing and let her go, that the other man was saying everything she wanted to hear for to go through with it. In other words, if I would of did the 180, she and I would be no more. She would be divorced. It was because I showed what a real man will do for his girl that opened her eyes to what she actually wanted.

In post number 50 you said "She and the OM are through. He was "shocked" that she cheated on him with her own husband. I don't even know what to say to that." In other words, she only came back to you because the other man (OM) dumped her. You can try to claim that she came back because you "showed what a real man will do for his girl", but when this OM wants her back, or when another OM shows interest in her, you will find out the truth. After all of the lies that she has told you, why would you even ask "her what made her have a change of heart from her affair ways", much less believe the answer? I am not saying this to be mean. I am telling you this because you are setting yourself up for failure if you keep this mindset.

[Try]

She and the OM are through. He was "shocked" that she cheated on him with her own husband. I don't even know what to say to that.

Your wife cannot be in love with someone that she does not resepct. The other man (OM) demanded resepct from your wife, and did not tolerate being cheated on. You on the other hand, were all to happy to take your wife back the minute the other man that she was cheating with dumped her for cheating on him with you. From your wife's point of view, who do you think she respects more, you or the other man? Edited February 16, 2015 by Try

[BlueIris]

Some people really do try for themselves, not to change their spouse’s opinion, actions, personality or character, or to meet an external measure or ideal. The decision to try often has NOTHING to do with the spouse or what they did. You can conclude that trying is Sisyphean or quixotic, but some feel it is a choice or necessity for ourselves, to live up to who and how we want to be as people and maybe learn and grow from it. “I gave it my all” can mean different things to different people. Some people don't see trying or trying more as a loss of power, gain of power, blow to the ego, ploy or strategy to get something. Some don't even view it as being about conflict or contest.

[road]

In post number 50 you said "She and the OM are through. He was "shocked" that she cheated on him with her own husband. I don't even know what to say to that." In other words, she only came back to you because the other man (OM) dumped her. You can try to claim that she came back because you "showed what a real man will do for his girl", but when this OM wants her back, or when another OM shows interest in her, you will find out the truth. After all of the lies that she has told you, why would you even ask "her what made her have a change of heart from her affair ways", much less believe the answer? I am not saying this to be mean. I am telling you this because you are setting yourself up for failure if you keep this mindset.

 

 

 

I read post Fifty as WW learnt that the OM did not want her only wanted to bang her, for he was not there for the long haul or willing to work through issues. That she was lucky her BH took her back.

 

 

Not every WW is a repeat offender. Yet some people her want to treat every WW as being only repeat offenders.

[Sassy Girl]

What I hear is that OP did the 'pick me' dance and won..... This round.

[Try]

I read post Fifty as WW learnt that the OM did not want her only wanted to bang her, for he was not there for the long haul or willing to work through issues.

In rereading post Fifty, I did not see any text to support your false assertion that the "WW learnt that the OM did not want her only wanted to bang her, for he was not there for the long haul or willing to work through issues". As I quoted before, in post number Fifty the OP says that "She and the OM are through. He was "shocked" that she cheated on him with her own husband. I don't even know what to say to that." Thus I stand by my assertion that, based on what the OP actually stated in post number Fifty, the OP's wife is only coming back because her affair partner dumped her for cheating on him, and challenge you to quote the exact text from post number Fifty that support your assertion otherwise.

 

Be honest. Had the other man not dumped her, and was willing to be with her with open arms, would she be back with the OP? If the answer is no, which it is, then the OP's wife has learned nothing accept the fact that her affair partner will not tolerate her cheating ways, while the OP was only too happy to be her backup plan no matter how much she was willing to betray him.

Edited February 16, 2015 by Try

[HereNorThere]

In rereading post Fifty, I did not see any text to support your false assertion that the "WW learnt that the OM did not want her only wanted to bang her, for he was not there for the long haul or willing to work through issues". As I quoted before, in post number Fifty the OP says that "She and the OM are through. He was "shocked" that she cheated on him with her own husband. I don't even know what to say to that." Thus I stand by my assertion that, based on what the OP actually stated in post number Fifty, the OP's wife is only coming back because her affair partner dumped her for cheating on him, and challenge you to quote the exact text from post number Fifty that support your assertion otherwise.

 

Be honest. Had the other man not dumped her, and was willing to be with her with open arms, would she be back with the OP? If the answer is no, which it is, then the OP's wife has learned nothing accept the fact that her affair partner will not tolerate her cheating ways, while the OP was only too happy to be her backup plan no matter how much she was willing to betray him.

 

In post #114, OP says " She said that when I fought for her to the extent that I did and the OM was afraid to do anything about it.."

 

So there is the text you are looking for. It shows the OM was really just looking for a drama-free side piece.

 

OM new she was married, so it's not like he's above sharing or anything like that. He sent that woman home full of his DNA time and time again, knowing full well she was leaving to be in the arms of another man. I don't think cheating was a dealbreaker for OM, but her being single was. Most people who are into dating married people enjoy the responsibility-free sex. Once they have to start doing the heavy lifting of a real relationship, they quickly send them back to the cuckold and run for the hills. Accusing her of "cheating" (when he already knows she's married, lol) is a really convenient way for him to end the relationship and turn the blame around on her.

Edited February 17, 2015 by HereNorThere