Need guidance

[Lovesick79]

I was in a relationship with an older woman for 8 months. We instantly had some AMAZING chemistry and were in love after only a couple of months. She is also in graduate school so this created a LOT of stress on her and on us. I would spend on average 4 nights per week at her place and even if she had lots of homework (which she usually did) I would just sit there with her and hang out and try to be of help to her. I'd do things like help with her animals, go to the store for her, help out around the house, etc... During this time, she also shared much information with me about her and her life. She really opened up to me. We made a lot of memories and had a LOT of fun just sitting there doing nothing at all! I've NEVER had that with anyone before! Now, we went out and had fun also so I don't mean we just sat there the whole relationship. We were both head over heels for each other! Also, I was the only guy she'd been interested in for a boyfriend in 8 years! Now, I wasn't perfect (as none of us are) but she was the ONLY girl that even crossed my mind. When I say I had it bad I mean I had it BAD for this angel. I'd tell her constantly how much I loved her and cared for her, and she'd tell me as well. Well a few months go by and she starts accusing me of seeing my ex girlfriend on the side. It kinda came out of nowhere. I really couldn't believe she would even say this to me, but I always reassured her that I definitely was NOT seeing my ex NOR was I seeing anyone. She was the only one in my life. Then I started to notice it seemed that she would look for things to pick fights about. Many of these were little things that really wasn't worth arguing over. I started to feel that she was trying to get me to sabotage our relationship and get me to walk away because she felt she was getting too close to me and was afraid of getting hurt. This woman is definitely a successful alpha female. She is drop dead gorgeous and is constantly being hit on by men of all ages. After about 5 months, the little arguments we'd have started to add up on top of the stress of grad school, and the times she would say I was lying to her for no reason. I, in turn, would be submissive and not act like a man should act. I'd find myself apologizing for little things when I shouldn't have, being at her every beck and call, and doing whatever it took to keep her happy and stress free. This all eventually lead to the demise of our relationship so we "took a break".

 

After the "break", we still maintained contact on a regular basis and every few days she would bring up our past problems. I never would but she always would after things would be going good for a few days. We then started to see each other as "friends" (as she calls it) once every couple of weeks. She hardly ever wanted me to take her out, she would just want me to come and hang out at her place and help her do things. During my visits, she'd always call me "baby" and "honey" just like we were a couple again. She'd also be very affectionate towards me. We ALSO slept naked together, but she wouldn't do anything sexual. (WEIRD!) I tried, but she resisted so I gave up trying anymore. Then all of a sudden, she deletes me from facebook one day and I can't reach her to ask her why. She won't respond. Finally, she responds that night with "Heard you were dating someone. I wish you happiness." Needless to say, this really pissed me off as I knew it was just an excuse she was using as part of her game. I haven't dated or even thought about dating anyone else since we first met and she knew that! So that was confusing for me.. Well, we had a texting argument and told her I was done. I didn't contact her for a week, then i notice she makes a post on social media that I felt was directed toward me. I felt that this was her missing me, and reaching out to me in her own way, so I contacted her the next morning. She was very talkative and happy to hear from me. We went back to talking every day again until a couple of months later...

 

She then all of a sudden wouldn't respond to any of my texts, calls, or anything. So basically I haven't reached out for 2 months and she hasn't either. I feel that she's posted more things on social media for me to see since then, but I haven't reached out because I am tired of her games. I just want her to put her ego aside, own some of her problems, and drop the pride. It made me lose a lot of respect for her because I thought I'd hear from her and i haven't. I still have things over at her place and I considered going over there to get them and being done with it, but part of me still wants it to eventually work out so I don't know if I'm ready for that or not. We definitely have something special that I can't just throw away. Then I think if she was done with me she'd want me to come get my things. I'm confused and I need help with others that has been through a similar situation. Will I ever hear from her? Do I need to just go get my stuff? Do I need to tell her how I feel? HELP!

[flightplan]

I think you answered your own questions. You say you lost respect for her, don't like her playing games, etc, etc. If you want a lifetime of hot and cold with this woman, if you love the game playing and really enjoy creating a life with someone you're losing respect for, then by all means... tell her how you feel. Try to make it work... good luck with that. Just because she's drop dead gorgeous is no reason to let the little head think for the big head.

 

Listen, the red flags are flying and fireworks are going off on the mountain. Get the hell out there, consider yourself lucky and wait for a more peaceful, compatible relationship.

 

And on a side note, it's been my experience the ones who are drop dead beautiful on the outside are some of the most narcissistic, gigs type of women I've ever met.

[lolablue17]

She is very insecure about you, it's obvious.

 

My long experience tells me that many times, when a woman is insecure, she start searching for backups - other men. Her unexpected acts amd behavior supports that theory, of another man in the picture.

 

I suggest that you back off and start thinking about yourself.

[blackcat777]

All I can say is... this lady has issues, and it would suit you well to run.

 

I'm sorry you had to experience this. The hot and cold behavior is not healthy, from a multitude of angles. It sounds like she has problems with trust and security. Those are internal problems she has to fix herself... No one else can do it for her, and she has to WANT to make those changes.

 

I would go NC and move on. It sounds like there were more problems very early into the relationship than attempting to one-sidedly continue a relationship is worth.

 

I understand how hard it is when passion runs so strong, and if a person's latent behavior contradicts your initial impressions, which were like a dream come true. Better to be free and open to someone who is willing to work to make shared dreams a reality, than living a nightmare in which you're not appreciated.

[Lovesick79]

Thank you guys. The funny thing is when we first got together, she was all about communication. We talked about everything. And now, I see her in a total different light. I see her as a coward and someone that is very insecure and afraid of a real man. I can't help what she has been through in the past, but I could've given her a much brighter future. She won't allow it so screw it. I'm not wasting any more time on her screwed up self.

[Mi7522]

Make sure you don't leave your stuff at her place for a reason to call her. I was also told she needed some space so I gave her a month figuring we can both use the time away and then contacted her to get my stuff back only to be told "I haven't heard from you in a month so I gave it away". Not sure if she actually did or not but I felt like she was trying to get a reaction out of me and I wanted none of it. So if it is anything of value you should probably make arrangements as soon as possible