In-laws taking over house and children

[wing81]

Short Version: *

 

My in-laws moved in with us to help my wife take care of the house and our two children while their family looks for a better opportunity for themselves. *In the meantime I feel like I am losing my place with my three year old son as they care for him all day, every day while I am at work.

 

Long Story:

 

I find myself in a dilemma and not sure what do to or how to handle the entire situation. *We moved to a new city away from my in-laws two years ago for a new job opportunity for me. *My wife was staying at home and continues to do so but the move was hard since she was away from her parents. *We recently had a second child who ended up having Down syndrome and felt we need some more help. *Her father was working retail and her mother was not working so we thought it would be a good opportunity for them to find better work and help my wife, their daughter, around the house and with the kids. *

 

Things got off to a rocky start and they tested their limits early and often threatening to leave because of the “rules” we had in place. *I knew my wife needed help so we gave in some. *We live in a three bed room rental that was just big enough for our family and we now had to accommodate three more adults. *Her father was to have something lined up so they could help as much as they could but did not take a job immediately and I was left to support everyone. *I don’t mind helping out her parents but didn’t necessarily feel appreciated for trying to help them out but things continued to devolve. *Her parents go into numerous fights and her father became aggressive in situations. *I tried to kick all of them out at various times but my wife wanted them to be able to help. *Since they were fighting, her parents stayed in different bedrooms. *This left our new born in our room which isn’t a big deal at this point but our three year old lost his room and stays in his grandmother’s room. *The brother sleeps on a couch on the first floor. *We seem to keep ending up with less and less space in our home. *I feel I am secluded to our bedroom and with her mom and brother doing the cleaning they are clearing our stuff out of areas so they have room for their stuff.

 

Sorry for the tangent and while the above situation is frustrating it is not my main concern. *At this point I do not feel like I get any quality time with my children especially our three year old. *Her mom and brother have been a huge help around the house with everyday chores especially since my wife had two surgeries in a month and our newborn spend over a week in the hospital since November. *Before her parents arrived and since my wife was pregnant I was doing a lot of chores around the house which included caring for our son. *Since her mom has arrived they have been very helpful and since I am not spending as much time at home with chores my wife expects me to spend that spare time with her. *While this is nice I no longer get the same time with my son. *Her family handles his baths and bedtimes that I use to enjoyed. *It seems like I am losing my place with him to them and in some ways having my authority undermined as they do not follow through with my wishes. *Maybe it is jealousy in that I work to support my family and her family while they get spending time with my sons. **

 

I am hoping this situation is temporary and as soon as my father-in-law gets a better job they will be able to support themselves. *I know my wife needs help and having her parents close would be nice so she could have the help when she needed it. *Unfortunately I don’t think this will happen. *Her mom and dad do not get along and will probably not be in the same house if absolutely necessary and her brother is overly dependent on his mom. *None of them has been able keep a job so it will be up to my wife to care for them which means it would be my responsibility.

 

I have tried to think of solutions but I am outnumbered by her and her family in terms of decreasing the number of people in the house. *The one solution I have thought of is divorce. *The wife and I have not been getting along like we use to and I do not feel like I have been the person I need to be for my family because of the stress and frustration I have been feeling. *I would hope that would remove me from her family’s drama, give my children a relaxing environment away from that as well, and give me more quality time with them. *It is not ideal by any means but I am starting to feel trapped without any options.

[Radu]

Is she supporting them vs you because she has no option with caring for the kids or is it because they are clannish ?

 

I've gotten the impression it's both of these.

 

Honestly ... divorcing right now would mean child support + alimony so you will end up with even less money.

A practical approach [even if the goal is divorcing] would be to move her towards a job and the rest ... and then divorce them ... all of them.

 

Keep in mind also that with them in such close proximity they will probably morally support her during a divorce which could mean the odds being stacked against you with regards to access to children.

 

PS: I know a guy who ended up staying 9yrs at his in laws with his wife even though they could afford to move out.

The wife wanted to be very close to her family 'for help with kids'.

Unfortunately the wife refused to see how damaging the situation was ... until the guy left ... completely.

I don't think they know where he is.