Facebook and Cheating

[Dragonfly88]

I have been married for a year and six months. Seven months ago I found something out about my husband that I had no idea. He was having on line relationships with at least three other women for at least four years. One of them he knew back in high school and claims he never met up in person, but is friends on Facebook. One of them he had met while we were together and she claims that they have had a make out session mixed with the on line sexual and emotional contact, she is on Facebook too, and the third one didn’t know about me at all and he had talked to her the very longest and through Yahoo IM. He also had something called a hi5 account where he was currently looking for a female as well and that was updated with a new photo since after our wedding. He claims that none of this is wrong, when I am completely aware that he was telling me he was busy to be able to talk to these girls without me interrupting them. It’s been seven months since I have found out and he still won’t admit it was wrong because I had the passwords to things and should have been checking up on him, or he thought it was okay because no STD’s or Pregnancies occurred or could occur in some of the cases.

I truly love him, with all my heart; I put all my eggs in this one basket for the past nine years. We have a house together, my family won’t let me move back in with them, but I can’t exactly make enough at some part time job while going to school to leave him. So what I really want is some advice on how to approach him to make him see that this was a form of cheating on me at least in an emotional way. I’ve tried to make him see things from my point of view but because he wasn’t physically drilling it to them he can’t relate to my feelings at all. Maybe even some suggestions of what to do to gain back some trust would be welcomed too. It’s horrible feeling like I have to get up and check his email and Facebook and computer history to see what he has been doing.

[NopeNah]

Not sure where you're from, but I'd be checking on grants or some other form of financial support. That is 100% cheating!

[veggirl]

Why do you love someone who clearly doesn't love you?

 

Your husband isn't stupid, he KNOWS that was cheating. He's just covering his cheating as$ by playing dumb. He's PLAYING YOU for a friggin fool and you are letting him.

 

Why won't your family let you move home?

Can you guys sell the house, would give you some cash for an apartment.

 

You are seriously crazy if you stay with a guy who has been cheating on you for HALF of your relationship and ALL of your marriage. Why the hell would you sign up for a lifetime of that? Do you actually think he will be faithful now?

 

Do you actually believe he doesn't think he was cheating? Why are you deceiving yourself about this?

[evanescentworld]

I have been married for a year and six months. Seven months ago I found something out about my husband that I had no idea. He was having on line relationships with at least three other women for at least four years. One of them he knew back in high school and claims he never met up in person, but is friends on Facebook. One of them he had met while we were together and she claims that they have had a make out session mixed with the on line sexual and emotional contact, she is on Facebook too, and the third one didn’t know about me at all and he had talked to her the very longest and through Yahoo IM. He also had something called a hi5 account where he was currently looking for a female as well and that was updated with a new photo since after our wedding. He claims that none of this is wrong, when I am completely aware that he was telling me he was busy to be able to talk to these girls without me interrupting them. It’s been seven months since I have found out and he still won’t admit it was wrong because I had the passwords to things and should have been checking up on him, or he thought it was okay because no STD’s or Pregnancies occurred or could occur in some of the cases.

I truly love him, with all my heart; I put all my eggs in this one basket for the past nine years. We have a house together, my family won’t let me move back in with them, but I can’t exactly make enough at some part time job while going to school to leave him. So what I really want is some advice on how to approach him to make him see that this was a form of cheating on me at least in an emotional way. I’ve tried to make him see things from my point of view but because he wasn’t physically drilling it to them he can’t relate to my feelings at all. Maybe even some suggestions of what to do to gain back some trust would be welcomed too. It’s horrible feeling like I have to get up and check his email and Facebook and computer history to see what he has been doing.

 

Take off the Doofus-spec's (they really don't suit you!) put on your Big girl pants and hobnail steel toe-cap boots, and kick him so hard to the kerb, he'll feel the imprint until the day he dies.

 

No, don't argue.

I mean it.

 

Quit thinking of 'Yes but' or 'well he's actually really...' and 'Well, to be fair he....'

 

Don't want to hear it, don't need to hear it.

 

The advice won't change -

 

Just ditch the flaking, playing, lying cheat.

[BC1980]

I truly love him, with all my heart; I put all my eggs in this one basket for the past nine years. We have a house together, my family won’t let me move back in with them, but I can’t exactly make enough at some part time job while going to school to leave him. So what I really want is some advice on how to approach him to make him see that this was a form of cheating on me at least in an emotional way. I’ve tried to make him see things from my point of view but because he wasn’t physically drilling it to them he can’t relate to my feelings at all. Maybe even some suggestions of what to do to gain back some trust would be welcomed too. It’s horrible feeling like I have to get up and check his email and Facebook and computer history to see what he has been doing.

 

There's nothing you can do to make him see this from your point of view, so there is no advice to offer on that front. It's difficult for most of us to imagine that someone could actually feel no guilt or remorse over this type of thing, but you have to accept what he's telling you. I honestly think his lack of even considering this behavior is wrong is more alarming than the behavior itself. Obviously, his behavior is wrong by most standards, but the fact that he justifies it means there is simply no way to repair any relationship with him.

 

Are you sure your family won't let you move back in with them until you can get on your feet? Maybe if you explained the situation to them, they might have a change of heart.

[Cedar27]

See if he will go to a marriage counselor with you, and at the very least get some counseling for yourself. Marriages have survived much worse, but it is very clear what he has been doing is unacceptable and needs to change. His unwillingness to accept responsibility for these emotional and physical affairs may end up being the downfall in your marriage. It does sound like you want to make it work. You've obviously invested a lot in this relationship.

 

Again, get him into counseling with you if you can. If he is stuck in front of a neutral third party like a therapist he may not be able to play the "dumb game" anymore. It also may the sole reason he declines to go. Please read up on Michelle Weiner Davis and her books/forum, she has some great material for married people that are in your position.

Edited January 31, 2015 by Cedar27

[Satu]

He has no conscience.

 

He has no empathy.

 

Those two things are needed if a relationship is to prosper.

[evanescentworld]

See if he will go to a marriage counselor with you, and at the very least get some counseling for yourself. Marriages have survived much worse,

 

What is 'worse' in your definition, and how have they survived?

 

but it is very clear what he has been doing is unacceptable and needs to change. His unwillingness to accept responsibility for these emotional and physical affairs may end up being the downfall in your marriage. It does sound like you want to make it work. You've obviously invested a lot in this relationship.

It can only ever work when both partners are in it to win it together.

Doesn't sound at all as if they are, does it...?

 

Again, get him into counseling with you if you can. If he is stuck in front of a neutral third party like a therapist he may not be able to play the "dumb game" anymore.

 

OMG, trust me, yes he can!! Seen it for myself, liars and cheats absolutely totally believe their own crap and will perpetuate it while they have breath left in their body! Nobody can pull the wool over your eyes like they can!

 

It also may the sole reason he declines to go. Please read up on Michelle Weiner Davis and her books/forum, she has some great material for married people that are in your position.

 

There's already plenty of 'great material' in this thread, unless she wants to prolong her own agony for a further XX years and end up being a doormat.

 

First - kick him out - THEN seek remedy.

[NopeNah]

"Well...what had happened...was...."

[Cedar27]

evanescentworld,

 

Does OP want to work on the marriage or not? Just because I would walk away in this situation doesn't mean another would. There is a marriage on the line here and no two people look at it the same way. There may be children involved. OP seems determined to stay in it for now, so my advice was reflective on where she currently stands. Not what I, you, or anyone else would do in that position.

 

One person can often single handedly turn a marriage around with action. It does not always take "two to tango". Read the book Divorce Busting if you would like, it changed my perspective.

 

I advised OP to take a different look at a forum for people going through marriage problems, do you want to silence me? I certainly don't want to silence you.

 

As for kicking him out? We don't even know if that's legal in her state, whether or not the property is jointly owned/a rental/etc. It's very difficult legally to just kick someone else out of a residence.

Edited January 31, 2015 by Cedar27

[evanescentworld]

evanescentworld,

Does OP want to work on the marriage or not? Just because I would walk away in this situation doesn't mean another would. There is a marriage on the line here and no two people look at it the same way. OP seems determined to stay in it for now, so my advice was reflective on where she currently stands.

We don't know. I think she's in such a fog, that she truly doesn't know what she wants....

One person can often single handedly turn a marriage around with action. It does not always take "two to tango". Read the book Divorce Busting if you would like, it changed my perspective.

 

I cannot honestly endorse this. At one point the other person HAS to climb aboard, it cannot ever be begun AND accomplished by one only.

 

I advised OP to take a different look at a forum for people going through marriage problems, do you want to silence me? I certainly don't want to silence you.

 

As for kicking him out? We don't even know if that's legal in her state, whether or not the property is jointly owned/a rental/etc. It's very difficult legally to just kick someone else out of a residence.

Unless she comes back, we'll never know.

Sadly, it's not uncommon for many people to post once, then never return.

[Cedar27]

I cannot honestly endorse this. At one point the other person HAS to climb aboard, it cannot ever be begun AND accomplished by one only.

 

I think we agree here then. I didn't mean that one person can pull all the weight forever.

 

Example: Wife goes into therapy, keeps her distance, finds another place to stay (or he leaves). She may even file for separation. She shows her independence and quits trying to talk him into changing. Months pass and husband is alone, depressed, and guilty. He begs her to take him back, she then makes certain ground rules which he must follow. He puts 110% into it and two years later, many therapy sessions, and brutal honesty, he comes out a better man. The relationship is stronger than ever. They then spend the next 50 years closer than ever and ride off into the sunset. It has happened.

 

So you are right in that the other spouse eventually has to climb on board, but one spouse can begin taking action now to get the other person to WANT to change later.

 

Surely, some people would walk away at the first sign of infidelity. Some don't. If OP is in the latter category this may be an option for her

Edited January 31, 2015 by Cedar27

[LifesontheUp]

I have been married for a year and six months. Seven months ago I found something out about my husband that I had no idea. He was having on line relationships with at least three other women for at least four years. One of them he knew back in high school and claims he never met up in person, but is friends on Facebook. One of them he had met while we were together and she claims that they have had a make out session mixed with the on line sexual and emotional contact, she is on Facebook too, and the third one didn’t know about me at all and he had talked to her the very longest and through Yahoo IM. He also had something called a hi5 account where he was currently looking for a female as well and that was updated with a new photo since after our wedding. He claims that none of this is wrong, when I am completely aware that he was telling me he was busy to be able to talk to these girls without me interrupting them. It’s been seven months since I have found out and he still won’t admit it was wrong because I had the passwords to things and should have been checking up on him, or he thought it was okay because no STD’s or Pregnancies occurred or could occur in some of the cases.

I truly love him, with all my heart; I put all my eggs in this one basket for the past nine years. We have a house together, my family won’t let me move back in with them, but I can’t exactly make enough at some part time job while going to school to leave him. So what I really want is some advice on how to approach him to make him see that this was a form of cheating on me at least in an emotional way. I’ve tried to make him see things from my point of view but because he wasn’t physically drilling it to them he can’t relate to my feelings at all. Maybe even some suggestions of what to do to gain back some trust would be welcomed too. It’s horrible feeling like I have to get up and check his email and Facebook and computer history to see what he has been doing.

 

I feel for you.

 

If he is willing to read. Buy Shirley Glass' "not just friends". If he doesn't understand after that, like has already been said, kick him to the curb.

[Dragonfly88]

I come back and read this. I can see that he doesn’t care. I can’t move back in with my family because as soon as I moved out my brother moved back in and there is no room unless I could talk my 14 year old sister into letting me share a room. (I already attempted once and she refused, told me to work things out, she is mature for her age). It’s also difficult because of how critical my family can be over things. My husband has me pretty much feeling like he cares one second and then the next he is yelling about how I don’t do anything right any more. I mean hell, I can’t even talk to someone that I ACTUALLY know without him getting all pissed off that it’s not him that I am talking to or he finds out I am trying to cope with what happened and he gets all pissed off because it’s a privet matter. It’s not privet; he forfeited that right when he found these relationships and either denied my existence or told them I was fine with it. I just can’t make him happy no matter what I do. I do online college; he says I am on the computer too much. (Hell I go to actual classes and I am just out ****ing around according to him) I start writing a book; I am not paying attention to him. I read a book, that won’t work either. I realize that he has objectified women, I just feel like a jackass for never looking at his history on his computer to see just how bad it was before saying I do. I am trapped now essentially in this thing that is and because of it my dreams are dying. I am sure I will turn out just like every other person that realized they made a mistake and try to just simply fix it for the next twenty years and then finally let it go when I am positive I am beating a dead horse.

[Dragonfly88]

Got into a giant fight with my husband yet again. The only reason why I tried to log in yesterday morning was because he told a girl "we NEED to meet up and jam" he never NEEDS me like that for anything anymore. He hasn’t for a long time, he had side women on the internet, then he tells me it was my fault for not checking up on him and so it was fine that he did it because if I had wanted to know I would have sought out the information. Now here I am and his pass word is changed to something I don’t know and he is telling some girl he NEEDs her and I am freaking out that its starting all over again.

He tells me he dose these things on the internet because I am RPing or playing a game or watching a movie when in reality it’s for any reason, he will do it because he is pissed my family comes for an unannounced visit, he will do it when I am in the shower, he will do it when I am at work or in class. I mean seriously? How can I trust him?

Talking with my friends he pointed out that he is in the cycle of abuse. He wants to cut me off from my friends and constantly gets upset when I am with them, thus the reason why he wanted me to quit my job, which I did thinking it was a good idea because I am so overwhelmed with school and my personal life situation, never thought that it would make it worse.

I want to work things out and he thinks I just need to forget that he was being a minipulitve ass hole not only to me but the people that he was flirting with on the internet. It’s like he isn’t happy with just me anymore. Even though he claims that he was happy when I wasn’t mad and it’s like well I was happy when you weren’t shearing yourself with the ****ing world.

So here I am trapped still and still have no idea how to go about leaving someone when you have no where to go.

[Alexjones1]

I have been married for a year and six months. Seven months ago I found something out about my husband that I had no idea. He was having on line relationships with at least three other women for at least four years. One of them he knew back in high school and claims he never met up in person, but is friends on Facebook. One of them he had met while we were together and she claims that they have had a make out session mixed with the on line sexual and emotional contact, she is on Facebook too, and the third one didn’t know about me at all and he had talked to her the very longest and through Yahoo IM. He also had something called a hi5 account where he was currently looking for a female as well and that was updated with a new photo since after our wedding. He claims that none of this is wrong, when I am completely aware that he was telling me he was busy to be able to talk to these girls without me interrupting them. It’s been seven months since I have found out and he still won’t admit it was wrong because I had the passwords to things and should have been checking up on him, or he thought it was okay because no STD’s or Pregnancies occurred or could occur in some of the cases.

I truly love him, with all my heart; I put all my eggs in this one basket for the past nine years. We have a house together, my family won’t let me move back in with them, but I can’t exactly make enough at some part time job while going to school to leave him. So what I really want is some advice on how to approach him to make him see that this was a form of cheating on me at least in an emotional way. I’ve tried to make him see things from my point of view but because he wasn’t physically drilling it to them he can’t relate to my feelings at all. Maybe even some suggestions of what to do to gain back some trust would be welcomed too. It’s horrible feeling like I have to get up and check his email and Facebook and computer history to see what he has been doing.

 

 

Cheaters dont respect themselves, so how can you expect them to respect you?

 

This is an easy answer..its black and white...but the journey getting there is going to be rough but you will make it.

 

Just keep reminding yourself, that he only thinks of himself, that how you feel is not important, he just wants control of you. When he loses that, he will do and say whatever he can to hurt you, to make you feel bad like him, to make you come back so he doesnt lose control.

 

This is just my advice, but no one situation has a fix all answer!

 

 

Alex

[Summerrose2013]

You need some help here. What he is subjecting you to is emotional abuse. My long term partner of ten years was chatting to other women on the internet, and yahoo messenger and he even got a webcame put in and lord only knows what they were doing then. He didn't know but I knew all his passwords and had the settings on the PC so it recorded all his IM Messages.

 

I found out when he arranged to meet one of them and we broke up but he promised it would stop. Of course it didnt - it becomes like an addiction to them.

 

Be thankful you don't have children with him. Please try and speak with someone, do you have something like a Womens helpline in your area? Just because he doesn't hurt you physically doesnt mean it's not abuse.

Can't believe your sister is being so cruel as to not help you get out, maybe your famiy are not going to help you which is very sad but you need to get out of there. Best think I ever did when I broke up with my ex. It did take almost a year, we had to live together whilst he got round to moving out but eventually he did.

 

I mean, where does it lead if you dont get out now? He'll have women back at the house (mine did I suspect) and the more you take, the more he'll push what he does.

[veggirl]

I think you should tell him you are filing for divorce. He cant kick you out. Live as roommates if you have to.

[CrystalShine2011]

You need to get out, and get out NOW. I'm so serious, it will end badly. So sorry you are going through this, though.

 

Are there any friends you can stay with? Other family?

 

You will look back 10 years from now and wish you got out sooner.

[Dragonfly88]

I am still in the same ****ty relationship.

Sometimes I wonder why but I know why. This is where I sank all my time and money into.

No, it’s not easy, as far as I KNOW, and I really emphasize the, I KNOW, he isn’t being as explicit as he used to be when he texts other girls or talks to them but I do know it’s walking the line. It’s getting to a point where I am understanding that it is WAY more important to him to have the freedom to **** around on the internet with that thrill of knowing it could happen in real life. I suspect that he does it pretty regularly he has been adding girls to his Facebook page again that fit the profile of what he is looking for which is in a word venerable. He acts like all men that do exactly what he has done should be murdered and I ask him what the hell is the difference of what he did to me and he acts like it’s because I was “involved” in what he was doing. Not sure what that means other than that he makes it sound like I was over his shoulder the whole time he was doing it and that was a lie, even in the conversation history ( which I wish I would have printed off or saved in some way because he deleted it) anyway the conversation history would announce that I wasn’t around due to work school sleeping other obligations etc.

Now he claims that because it’s summer and I go out with my friends more often or that I spend some time on the internet talking to them that I am somehow doing the same thing that he did yet I never asked for a picture or explicitly described to them my sex life or let them describe there’s. But just recently on the fifth, he is talking to another girl about her sex/dating life/body again in a PG way that I foresee becoming really XXX in just a few short days if I hadn’t been watching. On top of that he is adding more girls to his page again.

I really wish he would just be ****ing honest with me and either stop or let me leave. I want to make this work out so badly but it’s getting to a point where I am wondering if the financial support is worth the hassle of feeling like he is doing this to me all the time. (It’s not just the talking with other girls that drives me crazy either it’s the total disregard for how I feel over EVERYTHING from that I want to have kids, he doesn’t very apparent to me now with the way he just won’t discuss it without throwing in my face that caffeine is bad for a baby so we can’t and that I just get all pissed off about the conversation and so we shouldn’t talk about it and all or part of it is pretty much what he repeats over and over again until I tell him **** off and just say he doesn’t want kids then he goes well now you know me enough to put words in my mouth. Or how when I feel like I had a really good day and was really productive he doesn’t say a damn word about it and complains about the one thing I didn’t’ do or couldn’t do like how am I supposed to clean the windshield on the car when he has it at work? Or how he insults my goals/ health, it’s a bad idea to write more and read more during the day and it’s a horrible idea to stop drinking pop and start working out and why do I waste my time? Essentially that’s how he makes me feel.)

I wish there was a place for me to go or a way for me to make him see eye to eye with me on stuff but I am starting to feel like what I should really do is the same thing that he did to me. Get his attention by literally cheating on him…. He acts like he wouldn’t care when I bring it up so what would the difference be?

[kismetkismet]

This man has a problem. He will NEVER stop doing this no matter what you say or do. This is 100% emotional, and potentially physical cheating. The fact that he seems to be collecting girls, and maintaing multiple relationships is a huge huge indicator that this isn't just a one off that he can nip in the bud and move on from. Break up with this horrible manipulative *******. The fact that he is denying that it is wrong, completely ignoring your feelings on the matter, AND blaming it on you!!??? inexcusable, abusive behaviour.