Author Biere123 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 How can one be fully invested when part of ones heart is with someone else? How does one control feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 It's an ego thing. I guess I'm narcissistic. I deserve to be bashed on the infidelity forum. I'm not saying what I did was right. Two wrongs don't make a right. At least I wasn't sending photos to the OW. Your wife could probably say well at least I didn't _____. At this point it doesn't even matter. Is your sudden interest in wanting to work on your marriage because another man is in the picture? You don't really want her but don't want anyone else to have her? That is fear of rejection, not love. What a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 How can one be fully invested when part of ones heart is with someone else? How does one control feelings? It simple, what ever you feed the most with good things will grow and be healthy. Anything not handled in that way will starve and die. Have you been carrying a torch for your old flame your entire marriage? Have you always compared your wife to her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biere123 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 I've always compared every woman to her and my feelings were never as strong, but I married my wife bc I loved her. I'm not sure we are in love anymore and our relationship has soured over the years. We care about each other but we are more companions and not lovers. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 In that case, if you do not see this marriage being rekindled, I think the best option and fairest thing to do - for your child - is to separate amicably, and agree to go your separate ways - connecting as a unified front, of course, where your child's welfare, well-being and happiness is concerned. He's more important here than the 2 of you put together. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I've always compared every woman to her and my feelings were never as strong, but I married my wife bc I loved her. I'm not sure we are in love anymore and our relationship has soured over the years. We care about each other but we are more companions and not lovers. You spent your entire marriage comparing your wife to her, obviously your wife never measured up. Don't you think your wife felt that? If you can't love her fully without making her live in the shadows of your AP, be kind enough to let her go. Let her find someone that feels that way about her. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 (Seems she already did that.....) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 (Seems she already did that.....) Just don't think the om's spouse would be happy about that. She needs to find yet another someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 You are good enough. It's her who has flaws. Divorce and run. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 You are good enough. It's her who has flaws. Divorce and run. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 You are good enough. It's her who has flaws. Divorce and run. Please tell me you didn't read both threads before posting. He was doing the exact same thing. His ego is now bruised because he can't deal with swallowing the same medicine he's been giving her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 But loves me too. I am in shock. I know we have a bad marriage, but she has loved this man ever since high school, and they have engaged in an emotional affair. How on earth am I supposed to handle this? I feel so disrespected and that I'm not good enough. We have been in counseling for other issues and now this is front and center. Guidance? Since you only just posted about your EA (assuming your W finding out was fairly recent) that your wife wanted to give you a taste of your own medicine? You mentioned MC "for other reasons" and that her confession will make this "front and center" was the other reasons about your EA? Aren't you relieved that her EA will now be front and center for a while? One thing I've learned about my time on earth NEVER underestimate a woman's scorn. I'm not convinced that her EA is real and that she hasn't recruited a friend (or did this all by her lonesome) to set you up. Admittedly I've done something similar as I too have been messed up by my WH's infidelity. Lastly, we're you not aware that your past posts can be easily accessed on LS? Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Is your wife 16 years old? She doesn't love both you and this other guy. She is only in love with one of you, who that is..is anyone's guess, but there is definitely no "I love you both!" because that is silly and we aren't in high school anymore. Just to note, I'm aware the OP has posted other topics saying he has more or less done the same thing, but that isn't what this topic is about which is why I didn't delve too much into that. It's bad all around on both sides. I'm just saying she is telling you a story if she claims to love you both. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 No, it's not crap. I've loved 2 people at once. I loved them differently for different reasons, as they were different people, but I loved them both just the same.... And no, I wasn't in "high School" at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 No, it's not crap. I've loved 2 people at once. I loved them differently for different reasons, as they were different people, but I loved them both just the same.... And no, I wasn't in "high School" at the time. I am talking about being in love with someone. You can't be in love with more then one person. You can feel love for multiple people, but that isn't news. It's the same way I can feel love for both my parents or my friends, etc. I am not IN love with any of them. That can only be with one person at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 OK: I've been IN love with 2 people at once. I was IN love with them differently for different reasons, as they were different people, but I was IN love with them both, just the same.... And no, I wasn't in "high School" at the time. ....if you want to be pedantic about it.... Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I am talking about being in love with someone. You can't be in love with more then one person. You can feel love for multiple people, but that isn't news. It's the same way I can feel love for both my parents or my friends, etc. I am not IN love with any of them. That can only be with one person at a time. While you may not be able to be "in love" with only one person... Others can be "in love" with more. That is why polyamour exsists. But when it is the case of cheating or dating you have to eventually make a choice (or should). Being in love is a concept and it is different for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 OK: ....if you want to be pedantic about it.... It just leads me to believe you are fooling yourself. Here is the problem with saying you are genuinely in love with two people: Part of being in love with someone means not wanting to hurt them. The very fact of you saying you are in love with one guy..but also another? Is going to hurt one of those guys. The thing is, if you were in love with one of them THAT much, you wouldn't at the same time find yourself falling for someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Two wrongs don't make a right. At least I wasn't sending photos to the OW. Yes, only YOUR wrong was ok. At least you weren't sending photos? Really? That's what you're going with? And only when she wasn't sitting by the phone moaning for your presence did you seem to care about her. Sorry, the only response here is to end this trainwreck and go meet other people. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 While you may not be able to be "in love" with only one person... Others can be "in love" with more. That is why polyamour exsists. But when it is the case of cheating or dating you have to eventually make a choice (or should). Being in love is a concept and it is different for everyone. But we aren't talking about polygamy, and something tells me the person saying she loved two dudes at once? Something tells me those guys would probably not of been okay with her being with both of them at the same time. So sure, if they had an outlook on love like you are saying that would be one thing, but..we've been given no indication. We are not talking about polygamy here, or it would be an entirely different discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 It just leads me to believe you are fooling yourself. Here is the problem with saying you are genuinely in love with two people: Part of being in love with someone means not wanting to hurt them. The very fact of you saying you are in love with one guy..but also another? Is going to hurt one of those guys. The thing is, if you were in love with one of them THAT much, you wouldn't at the same time find yourself falling for someone else. The hurt is irrelevant to the discussion as to whether it is possible to be IN love with two people at once. That's not the issue here. The emotional investment is. I'm afraid that's as it was. I really don't need your belief to verify it for myself. I don't care whether you agree or not. It was what it was, and it was absolutely genuine and sincere. 2 ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 The hurt is irrelevant to the discussion as to whether it is possible to be IN love with two people at once. That's not the issue here. The emotional investment is. I'm afraid that's as it was. I really don't need your belief to verify it for myself. I don't care whether you agree or not. It was what it was, and it was absolutely genuine and sincere. 2 ways. The hurt isn't irrelevant, that is a cop out for people who try to spout this "I can be in love with two people at once". Look, fine, you don't need my belief to verify it, and I can say the same, there is no point arguing here. This isn't about the definitions of love. My point is generally when someone says to you "I am in love with you..but also totally in love with someone else" there is something shady going on. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 The hurt isn't irrelevant, that is a cop out for people who try to spout this "I can be in love with two people at once". No, it is completely irrelevant to the fact that people can be IN love with two people. The hurt is a side-effect, it's not a factor in the credibility of the statement. Of course there's pain - there's pain 3 ways, as it happens, but that wasn't your intial argument. Your initial comment was this, precisely: She doesn't love both you and this other guy. She is only in love with one of you, who that is..is anyone's guess, but there is definitely no "I love you both!" because that is silly and we aren't in high school anymore. Look, fine, you don't need my belief to verify it, and I can say the same, there is no point arguing here. This isn't about the definitions of love. Agreed. And that's not what were doing. We're discussing whether it's possible to be IN love with 2 people. The definition of love is also irrelevant. My point is generally when someone says to you "I am in love with you..but also totally in love with someone else" there is something shady going on. Who has argued with that? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 We have been in counseling for other issues and now this is front and center. Guidance? Since there's a child involved, if you and your spouse choose to focus on what's in the child's best interest, MC can give you tools to achieve that goal. What you do with the tools and successes achieved regarding your marriage or co-parenting are entirely up to you. What do you want? Why? That was just about the first question our MC asked us. I'm a fMM. Good stuff, counseling can be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biere123 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 Technically, I'm emotionally invested in two women. One prob has 75% the other 25%, I will never give the wife 100%, bc I can't. The question is what is right for her and the child, despite my anger towards her right now. Link to post Share on other sites
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