Do I see him once more or NC?

[Lovewilltearusapart]

Hi everyone. First off I'm a newbie so please forgive me for posting so quickly without getting to know you all but after a short amount of time reading in this forum I knew this is exactly what I need. I hope to be a support to you all in return as time goes by.

 

I'm the OW to a MM with a 10 month old baby, I myself am also married, to a wonderful man with 2 children ages 5 and 3. Our affair began through FB. He was an ex-fling from over ten years ago, with no contact except the occasional FB "like" or comment on baby pictures etc. And honestly no feelings from my end whatsoever... until....

 

One day he messaged me with an old picture from our time together and some thoughts on how he felt he had screwed everything up between us, and we began chatting, (I know this is a story you've heard a million times), innocently at first, progressing to flirting, then pictures, then emotions, and talk of getting together. He is also very far away from me. I live in TX and he lives on the east coast, so on top of this being a double affair it is also long distance.

 

We only had one night together, in November, when I went home to visit (without my husband). We met in a hotel and I told him I was in love with him (why????)

 

After that we stopped chatting for a while, I unfriended him on FB then he blocked me. Which broke my heart.

 

Some time passed, the holidays etc and we have started sporadic contact via email. Nothing intense just the occasional chat.. but it has been established that both of us would like to see each other again if possible.

 

The problem I'm having is I do want to see him again and I am going against my normal personality in every way with this situation. I have become needy, scared of losing him, hurting constantly, all because I so desperately want to keep him in my life. My "real" self is confident, happy, successful, independent.... I also have trip planned with some girlfriends (beach trip) and I want to tell him, and set up another meeting (but I haven't yet)

 

And what's killing me the most is not knowing how he feels. I don't know if he's holding back because he doesn't feel the same, or does and is protecting himself and his marriage by not saying, is he safeguarding his own heart or is he "just not that into me" (which would confuse me to no end considering he remembers the shirt I was wearing when we first met... etc....)

 

I feel like I need closure before going total NC but really what I want is to see him one more time for that to happen face to face. Since any real conversation is next to impossible, we only communicate through email, no longer use FB and have never used phones.

 

Where is my self-esteem? My wisdom to stop seeing him ten years ago, where is that now? Why do I hang the happiness of my day on whether he responds to an email or not? And why do I care about him so much?

 

I'm not typically a very emotional person, I tend to be aloof and practical in matters of love but here I am, pining away over someone that is not only unavailable to me, but dangerous to my life.

 

Of course you are all probably familiar with the cycle of emotions I feel also. Self-loathing (how can I be so selfish), guilt, elation (when I hear from him), anger/sadness/disappointment (when I don't), contentment (when I'm able to occasionally put him out of my mind), disbelief (how did I end up here?)

 

My husband is a wonderful man and I do love him. I am just very lonely, he works nights and we almost never see each other... I suppose my OM/MM was filling that void for a while and now I am feeling it tenfold - the void of loneliness from not seeing my husband and also the void of heartbreak/the slow ending of the affair.

 

Help me please. I have absolutely no one to talk to about this. no one knows except me and my therapist, who I saw only three times right after the affair to help me deal with the guilt of it. Now I am trying to work through this emotional fallout and it is the hardest thing I've ever done, hands down. Help!

 

Thank you for reading if you got this far :/

[elaine567]

Hi everyone. First off I'm a newbie so please forgive me for posting so quickly without getting to know you all but after a short amount of time reading in this forum I knew this is exactly what I need. I hope to be a support to you all in return as time goes by.

 

I'm the OW to a MM with a 10 month old baby, I myself am also married, to a wonderful man with 2 children ages 5 and 3. Our affair began through FB. He was an ex-fling from over ten years ago, with no contact except the occasional FB "like" or comment on baby pictures etc. And honestly no feelings from my end whatsoever... until....

 

One day he messaged me with an old picture from our time together and some thoughts on how he felt he had screwed everything up between us, and we began chatting, (I know this is a story you've heard a million times), innocently at first, progressing to flirting, then pictures, then emotions, and talk of getting together. He is also very far away from me. I live in TX and he lives on the east coast, so on top of this being a double affair it is also long distance.

 

We only had one night together, in November, when I went home to visit (without my husband). We met in a hotel and I told him I was in love with him (why????)

 

After that we stopped chatting for a while, I unfriended him on FB then he blocked me. Which broke my heart.

 

Some time passed, the holidays etc and we have started sporadic contact via email. Nothing intense just the occasional chat.. but it has been established that both of us would like to see each other again if possible.

 

The problem I'm having is I do want to see him again and I am going against my normal personality in every way with this situation. I have become needy, scared of losing him, hurting constantly, all because I so desperately want to keep him in my life. My "real" self is confident, happy, successful, independent.... I also have trip planned with some girlfriends (beach trip) and I want to tell him, and set up another meeting (but I haven't yet)

 

And what's killing me the most is not knowing how he feels. I don't know if he's holding back because he doesn't feel the same, or does and is protecting himself and his marriage by not saying, is he safeguarding his own heart or is he "just not that into me" (which would confuse me to no end considering he remembers the shirt I was wearing when we first met... etc....)

 

I feel like I need closure before going total NC but really what I want is to see him one more time for that to happen face to face. Since any real conversation is next to impossible, we only communicate through email, no longer use FB and have never used phones.

 

Where is my self-esteem? My wisdom to stop seeing him ten years ago, where is that now? Why do I hang the happiness of my day on whether he responds to an email or not? And why do I care about him so much?

 

I'm not typically a very emotional person, I tend to be aloof and practical in matters of love but here I am, pining away over someone that is not only unavailable to me, but dangerous to my life.

 

Of course you are all probably familiar with the cycle of emotions I feel also. Self-loathing (how can I be so selfish), guilt, elation (when I hear from him), anger/sadness/disappointment (when I don't), contentment (when I'm able to occasionally put him out of my mind), disbelief (how did I end up here?)

 

My husband is a wonderful man and I do love him. I am just very lonely, he works nights and we almost never see each other... I suppose my OM/MM was filling that void for a while and now I am feeling it tenfold - the void of loneliness from not seeing my husband and also the void of heartbreak/the slow ending of the affair.

 

Help me please. I have absolutely no one to talk to about this. no one knows except me and my therapist, who I saw only three times right after the affair to help me deal with the guilt of it. Now I am trying to work through this emotional fallout and it is the hardest thing I've ever done, hands down. Help!

 

Thank you for reading if you got this far :/

 

You have a lot to lose here and that is what you need to concentrate on.

You have the love of a good man, who is working hard for your future and two children who rely on you for their needs.

 

You have an old flame, who is perhaps bored, unhappy, needs excitement, needs sex and who decides to rekindle your friendship. Remember baby, sex is perhaps not that hot at the moment with his gf.

He has sex with you, then promptly blocks you!!!

Then when he is feeling the need again, casts a fat juicy worm in your direction and you grab it open mouthed...

 

Stop this now, as this is going nowhere fast, you are going to get massively hurt here, as are your husband and your children not to mention his gf and her baby.

If you need company go join some female groups, that will be fun and ease your loneliness, but kick this MM into touch, nothing good can come of this,

 

Do not get confused about the old relationship that you had 10 years ago, there was a reason you split up then, remember it well and do not make the same mistake again. Though I doubt you will ever get the chance as this, I am sure, is just about sex. The old "remember the good old days" is just a ploy to get into your pants. No-one who really cared about you would have blocked you after your liaison.

 

Time to put on your big girl panties here, be assertive, block him and concentrate on your children and your husband, they need you.

Make a life for yourself that doesn't involve horny exes.

[Lovewilltearusapart]

Thank you Elaine. It hurts to read that but I know it's true. It's the "why" that's killing me. I guess it's time for NC. My emotions are so tied up in this that I know this is going to be very difficult. Also - and this will sound so silly but, I hate that I am not ending this on a high note. I hate that I feel it's over now at the expense of my pride, like I am walking away with my tail between my legs. It's humiliating among 1,000 other feelings.

 

But I had it coming. Instead of dealing with my loneliness and loss of self in a healthy way I chose the path of self-indulgence and I know that's just what he is to me - someone who made me feel beautiful and desirable again after having children, someone who gave me attention when I had none. It's not really about him at all is it, but always about me, how he makes me feel. And I keep wanting more of that.

 

All of this I know logically but the hurt remains. Thanks so much for reading and support.

[DKT3]

Something that caught my attention right away was you (and I'm summing up your comments) were very co-dependant in your relationship 10 years ago with this guy. For that reason alone I think it would be smart to go NC Now.

 

My question is, in a perfect world what would you want? Would you want to leave your husband and be with this guy, or would you simply want more attention from your husband?

 

I ask because you can't have both, the more you engage with MM, the more damage and distance you cause in your marriage and with your husband.

 

I would beg you to go back and read some of the stories of MW here and pay attention to how the view of their husbands change as the become more vested in MM. Many stories start like yours here, then in a month the husband goes from a great guy to someone they try to avoid to someone they wanted to divorce long before the affair started. Even after they stated they never intended to leave the marriage when they started.

 

Most women don't have the emotional energy to invest in two men, so as you draw closer to one you distance from the other. What do you want? If you want a better relationship with your husband then you have to invest that emotional energy in him, the natural outcome will be gaining emootional distance from the MM.

 

Truth is, most men will follow the lead of the wife in the marriage, and match her effort. Some won't of course, but most will. If you spent that time that you use on MM, on your husband how do you think he will react? If you sent him flirty texts and sexy pictures? I'm betting you would get the desired outcome.

[Lovewilltearusapart]

Something that caught my attention right away was you (and I'm summing up your comments) were very co-dependant in your relationship 10 years ago with this guy. For that reason alone I think it would be smart to go NC Now.

 

Actually I wasn't, we only saw each other back then a handful of times and I ended it abruptly the first time. That's part of what's bothering me now, I feel I owe it to him to be the more forward one this time and not hurt him again (even though at the time I moved on and did not look back)

 

My question is, in a perfect world what would you want? Would you want to leave your husband and be with this guy, or would you simply want more attention from your husband?

 

No, I want to be with my husband. I think in my insane fantasy we have this lifelong "side romance" like Nicholas Sparks novel and when we get old and widowed and grey we end up together. So freaking ridiculous, how could I have ever thought that? lol I am laughing at myself right now.

 

I ask because you can't have both, the more you engage with MM, the more damage and distance you cause in your marriage and with your husband.

 

I would beg you to go back and read some of the stories of MW here and pay attention to how the view of their husbands change as the become more vested in MM. Many stories start like yours here, then in a month the husband goes from a great guy to someone they try to avoid to someone they wanted to divorce long before the affair started. Even after they stated they never intended to leave the marriage when they started.

 

You are right and I felt this in a small way even during the 3-4 months I was having an EA with this guy through FB (before we met and consummated). I went from "I miss my husband" to being resentful that he wasn't around to outright mentally blaming him for leaving me alone with everything and putting me in the position where I'd be open to/seek out another. A very selfish way of thinking.

 

Most women don't have the emotional energy to invest in two men, so as you draw closer to one you distance from the other. What do you want? If you want a better relationship with your husband then you have to invest that emotional energy in him, the natural outcome will be gaining emootional distance from the MM.

 

Truth is, most men will follow the lead of the wife in the marriage, and match her effort. Some won't of course, but most will. If you spent that time that you use on MM, on your husband how do you think he will react? If you sent him flirty texts and sexy pictures? I'm betting you would get the desired outcome.

 

DH would and already does. emotionally, romantically, DH is there. He is just not physically there, much of the time. Which leaves me alone at night in bed, bored, missing him, feeling sometimes trapped, and sometimes longing for someone. A lot of this has sprung up from my resenting his job, which he made a conscious choice to take a different position working evenings, keeping us apart from each other. I'm tired of sacrificing for his career. All this sacrifice and for what? I make more than him... he is not appreciated... but I have done it because I know he loves his profession and I want him happy. But it is starting to be at the expense of my own happiness. But that's probably a post for another forum. Thanks so much for time and response, I am so relieved to find a place where I can safely discuss this with people who have BTDT, understand, or can kick me in the butt.

[sunburned]

First of all, I'm calling shenanigans on you saying you want to see him one more time for "closure." A-hem. Closure comes from you and you alone. The good news is it sounds like you're getting there. You've got some good introspection going.

 

 

In spite of that self reflection, I believe you really want to see him again in hopes of rekindling his interest, perhaps getting a second crack at him. Maybe you are hoping it will result in a longer A or perhaps even the two of you riding off into the sunset. I don't think you said how long the A lasted, but if I'm reading it right it was entirely by email with one get together. It will be painful to go NC but the recovery might not be as bad as you think since you only saw him once.

 

 

Based on your description, it definitely sounds like he's interested in little more than using you for another romp. Clearly he felt guilty the first time, hence the blocking etc. Now he's reaching out again since he's in that new baby phase with his W who probably isn't thinking a lot about sex at the moment ... "oh, let me call lovewilltearusapart, she'll give it to me."

 

 

Seriously, there is zero reason for you to see him again. It sounds to me like you are placing more importance on him now than he held all those years ago. DKT3 said it sounded like you were co-dependent back then. I may have missed something, but I believe you referred to him as a long-ago fling, not even a BF. Don't start acting in retrospect like he was your great lost love.

 

 

You summed it up yourself. It's not him that's so special. It's the way he made you feel. I went through a very similar A. There are hundreds of men who will be happy to make you feel special. I'm not suggesting you find another one. I'm reminding you your husband is one of them and would probably be thrilled at the chance.

 

 

Don't give this jerkoff who cheats on his W and new baby such power over you. Reclaim the upper hand, go NC (don't visit, don't email) and let him wonder about you for a change.

[Lovewilltearusapart]

First of all, I'm calling shenanigans on you saying you want to see him one more time for "closure." A-hem. Closure comes from you and you alone. The good news is it sounds like you're getting there. You've got some good introspection going.

 

Gosh I love this forum already. lol no BS here! Truth bomb

 

 

In spite of that self reflection, I believe you really want to see him again in hopes of rekindling his interest, perhaps getting a second crack at him. Maybe you are hoping it will result in a longer A or perhaps even the two of you riding off into the sunset. I don't think you said how long the A lasted, but if I'm reading it right it was entirely by email with one get together. It will be painful to go NC but the recovery might not be as bad as you think since you only saw him once.

 

Yes I do want to rekindle if only for a short time... more so because being with him brings out a side of me that I don't show to most people. He gets a certain side of me that usually stays hidden (not sexually, just personality wise) so part of that is me mourning the loss of that connection that I've never had with anyone else.

 

The A was from August - November with all of it being via FB until one night of physical contact in Nov, than almost nothing since then besides emails.

 

Based on your description, it definitely sounds like he's interested in little more than using you for another romp. Clearly he felt guilty the first time, hence the blocking etc. Now he's reaching out again since he's in that new baby phase with his W who probably isn't thinking a lot about sex at the moment ... "oh, let me call lovewilltearusapart, she'll give it to me."

 

You are probably right. I have romanticized something that to him was purely physical... even though I am not ready to admit that's true I know it on some level. It just is hard to let that go and fully internalize it. Very very hard. like a slap in the face... worse even

 

 

Seriously, there is zero reason for you to see him again. It sounds to me like you are placing more importance on him now than he held all those years ago. DKT3 said it sounded like you were co-dependent back then. I may have missed something, but I believe you referred to him as a long-ago fling, not even a BF. Don't start acting in retrospect like he was your great lost love.

 

You're right, he was a fling. It was short and intense, one of those "instant connection" type deals but at the time (ten years ago - BTW this was a looooong time before I was married if that wasn't clear) - he was immature for me and that was irritating. Of course, he's grown up since then so our Round Two relationship has been much different.

 

 

You summed it up yourself. It's not him that's so special. It's the way he made you feel. I went through a very similar A. There are hundreds of men who will be happy to make you feel special. I'm not suggesting you find another one. I'm reminding you your husband is one of them and would probably be thrilled at the chance.

 

 

Don't give this jerkoff who cheats on his W and new baby such power over you. Reclaim the upper hand, go NC (don't visit, don't email) and let him wonder about you for a change.

 

I like you THANK YOU And I will try to find your threads and read up on what you went through also. Sounds like they'd be helpful to me.

[Lovewilltearusapart]

And total dumb question about NC probably but do I email him and tell him it's over and I won't be contacting him anymore, then NC? Or does this mean I just disappear?

 

I don't want to use that "one last email" as an excuse to try to get more of what I want from him, (like what if he responds, and then I read it and... you're doing NC wrong. lol)

 

At the same time it seems kind of cruel to disappear with no warning. We are both people who made bad decisions but I do care about him. I'd like to practice some decency here (and yes I realize what I did was extremely indecent to start with, but that's why I'm here, to try to get past it/through it/back to myself or whatever). WWYD?

[Pinklotus]

Listen to Sunburned and the others. You do not need to see him for closure. You need to cut it off and end it. You're risking your marriage. Trust me, been there, done that. You don't want to throw away your marriage for someone who is just there for kicks when he feels like it. I get it, you're lonely, you're bored. You need to talk to your husband and get into counseling to figure out why this happened. Are you planning to confess? It really is the only way to heal your marriage, although it is no walk through the park to do so.

 

I get the ego thing too. It's a rush getting the attention of an attractive man. Then he's gone and leaves you wondering what's the deal. But really, it's got nothing to do with you. You could be a supermodel and he would still be a jerk about this. You have come to the realization that the whole thing is unhealthy, you want to move on, you want to be with your husband. Now you have to summon up the courage to take action.

[Lovewilltearusapart]

I get the ego thing too. It's a rush getting the attention of an attractive man. Then he's gone and leaves you wondering what's the deal. But really, it's got nothing to do with you. You could be a supermodel and he would still be a jerk about this. You have come to the realization that the whole thing is unhealthy, you want to move on, you want to be with your husband. Now you have to summon up the courage to take action.

 

Thank you, and yall have given me the courage to take the first step. One day at a time. Starting today.

[Pinklotus]

Yup--like sunburned said, it starts now with you. No contact. I wrote an email but you don't even have to do that. If you do write, you need to be sure it is brief and clear. "I am focusing on my marriage. I have made some bad choices but I am changing my life today. Please do not contact me anymore. I wish you well." And THAT'S IT! No drama, no I'm sorrys, no if onlys.

 

If you are still in therapy, you may want to talk about how to confess if that is the route you're taking. Most MCs will say confession is necessary. It was for me. It may be helpful to start MC right away or at least have an appt. made and the sooner the better. Hopefully your spouse will want to work on things. You will need a good MC to guide you both through the healing process.

 

Good luck. Let us know what you are doing! I know some people say not to confess, esp if you are a WW, but I don't see how to have an authentic marriage without doing so. It is risky but the rewards of confessing are immense if you both commit to moving forward and fixing things.

 

And definitely read "Not Just Friends". Great advice for all parties involved.

[Lovewilltearusapart]

Yup--like sunburned said, it starts now with you. No contact. I wrote an email but you don't even have to do that. If you do write, you need to be sure it is brief and clear. "I am focusing on my marriage. I have made some bad choices but I am changing my life today. Please do not contact me anymore. I wish you well." And THAT'S IT! No drama, no I'm sorrys, no if onlys.

 

Thanks for that. I might email him, might not. I need to think on it for a day or two. I'm not sure if sending it will hurt because some part of me will want him to respond and if he doesn't... prolonging the pain and if he does... prolonging the pain. IDK. It's kind of a tough decision.

 

If you are still in therapy, you may want to talk about how to confess if that is the route you're taking. Most MCs will say confession is necessary. It was for me. It may be helpful to start MC right away or at least have an appt. made and the sooner the better. Hopefully your spouse will want to work on things. You will need a good MC to guide you both through the healing process.

 

Good luck. Let us know what you are doing! I know some people say not to confess, esp if you are a WW, but I don't see how to have an authentic marriage without doing so. It is risky but the rewards of confessing are immense if you both commit to moving forward and fixing things.

 

This is waaaay more than I'm ready to face right now but I appreciate your advice and candor in sharing it. Not sure when I'll be ready or if, but I'm not ruling anything out right now. I'm just now deciding it's going to be over which is a HUGE step. so we'll see how I do.

 

And definitely read "Not Just Friends". Great advice for all parties involved.

 

I will. I needed some reading recs, I appreciate it.

 

So so nice to be among people who get what I'm going through and are willing to see me as a human being who made a terrible decision and nothing more or less. Thank you thank you.

[MuddyRock]

I would make sure it's bombed forever. Personally I would say my husband found out and if you contact again he is telling your wife.

Pretty easy. Bet you will never hear from him again. Block him on all routes email facebook and phone.

[the_artist_1970]

You also need to talk to your DH. You have two small kids and he is working all night while you are in bed alone. That is a recipe for disaster in your marriage. Have an honest heart to heart with your DH and tell him how lonely you are. I also suggest telling him about the A because that will keep you honest in your M after you see how devastated he will be when he finds out that the woman he loves more than anything has betrayed him. Good luck to you.

[DKT3]

Thanks for that. I might email him, might not. I need to think on it for a day or two. I'm not sure if sending it will hurt because some part of me will want him to respond and if he doesn't... prolonging the pain and if he does... prolonging the pain. IDK. It's kind of a tough decision.

 

 

 

This is waaaay more than I'm ready to face right now but I appreciate your advice and candor in sharing it. Not sure when I'll be ready or if, but I'm not ruling anything out right now. I'm just now deciding it's going to be over which is a HUGE step. so we'll see how I do.

 

 

 

I will. I needed some reading recs, I appreciate it.

 

So so nice to be among people who get what I'm going through and are willing to see me as a human being who made a terrible decision and nothing more or less. Thank you thank you.

 

No one is ever ready to face rejection, so we hold and do nothing.

 

Its clear as day that your a bright cookie, and your being honest with yourself. But, if I'm being honest with you I have to say your attempt at NC will fail. I have no doubt about that. Why? You are doing it for the wrong reasons. This is really an attempt (at least in part) to force MM into action. He has withdrawn and I believe the true motivation is to spr him to pick the affair back up. Thus, the fear that he won't respond. So you will likely do NOTHING, which will allow you to hold on to the fantasy of happy housewife, sexy exciting romantic love affair on the side. That simply doesn't work out in real life.

 

What's at risk? Life as you know it, the stability of your kids life. I honestly believe that most who get involved don't really give this side much thought. Imagine, split custody with your kids, your beloved husband madly in love with a beautiful woman who your kids adore. Now ask yourself is the attention worth it?

[Lovewilltearusapart]

No one is ever ready to face rejection, so we hold and do nothing.

 

Its clear as day that your a bright cookie, and your being honest with yourself. But, if I'm being honest with you I have to say your attempt at NC will fail. I have no doubt about that. Why? You are doing it for the wrong reasons. This is really an attempt (at least in part) to force MM into action. He has withdrawn and I believe the true motivation is to spr him to pick the affair back up. Thus, the fear that he won't respond. So you will likely do NOTHING, which will allow you to hold on to the fantasy of happy housewife, sexy exciting romantic love affair on the side. That simply doesn't work out in real life.

 

You saying this decides for me that I won't be sending him a "Dear AP, it's over" letter. Yes... I'm still emotionally involved with him but I don't have to act on it, as these community replies have shown me. So I hope to prove you wrong and succeed with NC. You are right in assessing that I still have feelings for him, and want him. But I realize I have a choice now whether or not to try to leave that in my past. cold turkey it is. And I hope I prove you wrong!

 

What's at risk? Life as you know it, the stability of your kids life. I honestly believe that most who get involved don't really give this side much thought. Imagine, split custody with your kids, your beloved husband madly in love with a beautiful woman who your kids adore. Now ask yourself is the attention worth it?

 

Absolutely no, it is not worth it. I'll be coming back to this on my tough days to remind me. Thank you kindly!!

[elaine567]

Do not tell your husband unless you want a divorce, or decades of resentment and misery on his part.

Few can really put an A aside, it is often all about the sex and the fact you have had sex with another man that many men struggle with. With recurring flashbacks and mood swings, anger and resentment.

 

I know all the BSs come out here and say "Tell him, tell him, tell him", and if you didn't have kids I would urge you to tell him too because then he can walk away, but with kids, this A is not worth ruining their little lives for.

[Lovewilltearusapart]

Do not tell your husband unless you want a divorce, or decades of resentment and misery on his part.

Few can really put an A aside, it is often all about the sex and the fact you have had sex with another man that many men struggle with. With recurring flashbacks and mood swings, anger and resentment.

 

I know all the BSs come out here and say "Tell him, tell him, tell him", and if you didn't have kids I would urge you to tell him too because then he can walk away, but with kids, this A is not worth ruining their little lives for.

 

Thanks for an alternate take on this. This was exactly the advice my IC gave me. If he doesn't know and won't find out, don't hurt him, move on and don't do it again. I realize that's a hot button issue and most people will feel very strongly one way or another.

[jbrent890]

Do not tell your husband unless you want a divorce, or decades of resentment and misery on his part.

Few can really put an A aside, it is often all about the sex and the fact you have had sex with another man that many men struggle with. With recurring flashbacks and mood swings, anger and resentment.

 

I know all the BSs come out here and say "Tell him, tell him, tell him", and if you didn't have kids I would urge you to tell him too because then he can walk away, but with kids, this A is not worth ruining their little lives for.

 

She is still knee deep in the affair. Wouldn't her husband resent her even more if he caught her in the affair or worse, he found years later by other means? ICs tell you not to confess because that's what's best for you. MCs tell you to confess because that's what's best for the marriage. The numbers and statistics speak for themselves. Reconciliation stands a better chance of working if the affair is confessed as opposed to discovery. I think what it comes down to is if you know your husband would want to know. If you know without a shadow of a doubt that your husband would not want to know, then yes keep it to yourself. If he would want to know, then you do need to him. At the end of the day that is his decision. Cheating may be dealbreaker for him. Your going to hear two sides to this. A lot of BSs and some WSs will tell you to confess. A lot of OM/OW and some WSs will tell you not to confess. However, the confession argument should be saved for a later date. You first need to end your affair.

[A.Moscote]

If he doesn't know and won't find out...

Have you looked into the future, or made a deal with god?

If not, then please be extra careful, hopefully you will succeed in taking it to the grave, because the consequences (of being discovered) will be just as devastating years later as it will now. It's your decision, take your time.

 

Anyway, now the most important step imo is of course the NC letter. Make it brief and clear, leave no rooms for any reply point, and put out any regrets, hope, appreciation or whatever.

Be unequivocal and unemotional in it, if, ending things is what you sincerely want.

 

Sorry for my less than cordial tone. Be conscience, and good luck Lov.

[devilish innocent]

Thanks for an alternate take on this. This was exactly the advice my IC gave me. If he doesn't know and won't find out, don't hurt him, move on and don't do it again. I realize that's a hot button issue and most people will feel very strongly one way or another.

 

The problem I'm having with this is that you haven't moved on. You continued e-mailing the other man even after talking to your counselor. If your priority was really to spare his feelings, then why continue doing something that would devastate your husband? People come on to forums all the time after discovering a partner's infidelity, and their first question is usually whether their partner can be trusted. Based on the way you've been behaving, I'd have to tell your husband probably not. You're continuing to put your concern for your affair partner above and beyond your concern for your husband.