Divorce and the kids-- when is best for them?

[Tamed Wildflower]

Those of you who have had experience with divorce when you have children, who know parents who have divorce, whose parents have divorced, or who just plain have opinions on this--

 

my question is:

At what age in a child's life do you think it is LEAST DIFFICULT to experience a divorce between their parents and the emotional difficulty that comes of removing one parent from the home environment and shuffling the child(ren) back and forth on the weekends?

 

Thanks for your thoughts on this.

[RecordProducer]

Once I read that 6-8 is the worst period. I was 6.5 and suffered very much. The puberty is a bad period too, especially for a boy who has to stay without a father at home. But mostly it depends on the child. The parents should spare the kids the pain. I wasn't spared. I was in the middle. I had a monstrous step-father and I was very unhappy even when I lived with my dad (since age 9-14).

I guess when the kids are very small, it's much easier. My ex and I split when my twins were 2 years old. They accepted it as something normal and natural, never asked me why we don't live together, never said we should, and they love my boyfriend very much, because he is very nice to them and buys them presents, pays a lot of attention to them, plays with them, etc.

Some kids want their parents to get divorced as they see it as the best solution. I know women who suffer at 23 cuz their parents were divorcing. But basically I think between 5 and 15 is definitely the worst period.

If a couple has to divorce, the children should be treated like soap bubbles, so fragile their souls are at that age. Especially if it's the only child they have.

If you have small children and want to divorce, you better hurry up before they start understanding what's going on. Because often the less you realize how miserable your life is the less you suffer.

[fyrwyfe]

[color=darkblue]I too have been thinking about this very thing a lot lately because of some of the issues my husband and I have had. I have two boys, a 15 year old and a 5 year old, and I feel if we got a divorce that it would be harder on the oldest. They wouldn't have the constant interaction with their father anymore, and boys need that... and in my house, especially the older one. Little ones are generally more resilient it seems, not to say that it isn't hard on them too. They just seems to adjust a little easier...

 

My parents divorced when I was 6, my sister was 8. It wasn't incredibly difficult for us, but perhaps it was because they had started living like they were divorced prior to the divorce itself... and my dad travelled a lot anyway so he wan't exactly around all the time. My parents tried to shelter us however they could it seems, and they didn't use US to get back at each other.

 

Obviously divorce isn't ever easy & IMHO should be a last resort, but keep in mind that constant argueing and tension in the home doesn't go unnoticed by them either. I know my oldest gets tired of us not getting along...

 

 

 

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[Tamed Wildflower]

About splitting when the kids are teens-- yeah, I can see how this would be hard on them. My best friend's parents fought a lot when we were growing up, her father was incredibly domineering, agressive, and emotionally withdrawn. He was actually very loving to her before she got to puberty. She adored him, and then when her body began developing and she got her period at 12, he suddenly became hostile toward her and all affectionate relations between them dissolved. It was as if he couldn't love her anymore the moment he had to stop denying that she wouldn't be a little girl forever. I could not begin to count the number of times she called me crying while we were in our teens, because he has been screaming at her in belittling and degrading ways. And yet, now that she is 23, and she sees more clearly all the bullsh*t he puts her mother through, she still feels like her parents *should* be together. I don't get it. My heart would rejoice for her mother and little sister if they left. The sister is 11, and I have always feared that the father would begin treating her like he did my friend. I guess I'll find out in a year or two when puberty advances, unfortunately.

 

Sorry, this was probably too much detail... about teens, well, I guess that would be a hard time for them because the teen years are hard anyway??

 

As far as very young children-- RP, you've mentioned that your sons have fared well from a split at the age of 2. I'm glad to hear that-- that's great for your kids, and it's really encouraging. Let me ask this-- when you and your ex first split, did they have difficulty adjusting to his not being around much? Did they just seem a little "off" for a while? Like, having trouble adjusting to a new routine, not sleeping at night like they had before, being more cranky than usual? Did they become more clingy than they had been, even briefly? Have they ever seemed insecure? Hesitant to do anything independently without you our your boyfriend right by their sides? Also, is your ex-husband in their lives now? What was his relationship with them like before you broke up?

 

My housemate and I have been discussing the question of whether it is better to divorce when a child is a baby or toddler, or if it would be easier on him/her if the parents waited until ages 3 or 4. I had thought it would be better at ages 3 or 4 (but not older), because the child can understand more, they can voice feelings and be verbally reassured by their parents.

 

My housemate disagreed completely, agreeing with RP, who wrote, "the less you understand how miserable your life is, the less you suffer." My housemate's parents divorced when she was maybe 3, and her older sister was about 18. She feels lucky that they divorced so early in her life, and she feels STRONGLY that the earlier the less able the further away a child is from when they can understand and communicate, the better. She and her sister have grown into very different people because of the length of time they spent in the household with such toxic relations between her parents. Her sister is less confident, and is dependent, needy, and submissive toward men. My housemate is strong, confident, and has a wonderful egalitarian, very loving and openly communicative relationship with her boyfriend.

 

It does seem that at any age, it is best for parents to be sensitive and caring for a divorce-- before, during, and after. Fyrwyfe, it seems that your comment about how your parents were already living as if they were divorced is insightful-- it was like you and your sister had an adjustment period before the divorce, the pre-divorce period prepared you very well for the divorce. And of course as both of you pointed out, the parents shouldn't use the kids as pawns.

 

 

How about this question then, how should parents prepare children for divorce? (Feel free to discuss different ages.) Is it best to tell the kids when you are considering getting a divorce, so it's not like dropping a bomb on their senses? Or to begin sleeping in separate bedrooms for a while and living as co-parents/housemates rather than romantic partners, so that the kids see that the relationship is dissolving, but the parents still get along to the extent that they have to? It could be hard to do these things, depending on how desperate the situation already is, I guess.

 

Anyway, thanks again for your thoughts.

[Mz. Pixie]

My kids are 3 and 8 and I have just gone through this. We only told them before I started packing to move out. Then I explained it simply- that mommy and daddy had decided not to live together anymore, but that we would always be their mom and dad, we would love them the same, it wasn't their fault, and we would work it out where they would have time with both of us. They cried- but not for long.

 

We each get them every other week and it's been okay so far. I know they miss me when we're not together just like they miss him- but he was gone alot- so they really feel it more when they are not with me. If anything this has forced him to spend more time with his kids- and he's a good father to begin with- he was just never around.

 

I would have to say it's been hardest on my 8 year old- he still wants us to be together. I gently explain to him that it's not going to happen and that I'm sorry. I've tried hard to make sure I'm always positive about their dad, and I've made the apartment as nice as I can. They have their own clothes and I don't have to pack up things week to week much. I keep them on a routine just like I did at home and I try hard not to compete with "things". Of course, they try to manipulate us some, but we don't allow it. It's hard. I hate it for them, I truly do, but I felt that I needed to be happy and sane to be a good mom.

[tiki]

My child was 14 months old. He handled it well.

 

I was young too, like 2 years old when my parent's divorced. I have no recollection of living with my father. It's natural (to me) for my parents to be apart, it's the only way I've known it. And the only thing that I care about now, is their happiness. I wouldn't have it any other way.

[Skeered]

I was 5 when my mom and dad got divorced and there were rough spots in my childhood but I got through em. My daughter is 9 and she is now going through this with her dad and I...she has times of anger and hurt and sometimes it's towards me and sometimes towards her dad. I think it really depends on the relationship the child has with the parent that won't be around as much anymore. All kids are different and handle it their own way. My daughter and I have a very open relationship she tells me when she's mad and why she's mad and if she can't pin point the reason we talk and ease her hurts. I don't really think there is a prime target age that is best, again it depends on the child and the relationship you have with them..always make sure they know they aren't the cause and that their feelings on the situation, although won't change the situation, are important..

 

Something I heard from a friend of mine was this...my daughter would lash out at me quite often and just go on and on about how great her dad was and how worried she was about him and he could do no wrong and on and on..it really hurt me because I know the decision I made to leave her dad was the best for both of us...but she doesn't understand at 9 why I felt this way...she would really hurt me with things she said about me and so forth finally someone told me that children in this position in their life will often release their anger on the person they know will love them unconditionally, because they have to release that anger, she knows that I will love her no matter what she says or does to me, but with her dad she's afraid to tell him her hurts because he might go away in her eyes (he's never really been stable or strong for her). Thought that was a nice piece of information...

 

Good luck to you...

[Merin]

My Little Peeps had just turned 5 and 2 when I divorced thier Dad.. they both have birthdays this summer the oldest will be 8 and my baby will be 5..

 

I don't believe there is a time for kids that will be *Less Difficult* than another in regards to divorce.. with each age group (even adult children of divorce) there will be different issues to be dealt with.

 

IMO it is the way a divorce is handled by the 2 people who have the children together..

 

When I divorced my Kid's Dad I told him at one point "This is NO LONGER about YOU or I.. there isn't a US anymore and now WE as our Kid's parents need to direct ourselves in helping them to be okay"

 

This meant (and still does at times) not bashing one another in front of or to our children, nurturing the parent/child relationship your ex has (and they do the same for you) encouraging your kids to remain close to your EX, keeping in mind that just because your ex may not love you anymore or you may not love him/her that it doesn't mean they don't love your kids..

 

Making it clear (as often as it takes) that the divorce has nothing to do with anything your kids have done/not done..

 

Working with one another I know is difficult when you're in a sh*t storm divorce... but I guess the bottomline is sucking up sometimes and doing the right things for your kids even when you may have anger or resentment for your STBX..

[Mz. Pixie]

Merin-

 

I totally agree. Those are the things I promised I would not do! I have stuck to them through some bad things. I have also- mailed him a VDay card from his kids, mailed his mother a Bday card from the kids- and I constantly tell them that daddy misses them.

 

One day my daughter said, "Daddy doesn't miss me when I'm here" and I said, "Of course he does, sweetie, you know how much daddy loves and misses you".

 

I have also been very careful NOT to say I don't love their father anymore.

 

I hope that he is maintaining the same rules in his house, but you never know.

[Merin]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

Merin-

 

I totally agree. Those are the things I promised I would not do! I have stuck to them through some bad things. I have also- mailed him a VDay card from his kids, mailed his mother a Bday card from the kids- and I constantly tell them that daddy misses them.

 

One day my daughter said, "Daddy doesn't miss me when I'm here" and I said, "Of course he does, sweetie, you know how much daddy loves and misses you".

 

I have also been very careful NOT to say I don't love their father anymore.

 

I hope that he is maintaining the same rules in his house, but you never know.

 

I feel you Girl.. it's hard at times but yeah.. I do think it's whats right for them.

When my Kid's have asked if I love thier Dad.. I tell them that I will always care for thier Dad and both thier Dad and I will always love them.

 

He (your EX) had betta be maintaining those rules OR We'll have to whip his ass!

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, he truly is my X now- it was final yesterday- or so he said. I will await the final papers before I throw a party...........

 

I'm trying, I'm trying. Ran into my ex mother in law last week at lunch- they sat me right beside her! I didn't want to ask to be moved because I thought that would be rude so I didn't. Of course, I got gone off on for that too- "I guess you thought it was funny to sit beside my mom at lunch" Ummmmm, no I didn't.

I spoke to her and said Hey. She left without saying anything to me, not goodbye or anything. She's known me 18 years!

[Tamed Wildflower]

Tiki did you see your dad a lot when you were growing up even though you didn't live with him? How is your relationship with him?

 

 

For those who are thinking about this or going through it, I was surfing around Amazon.com and I came to a book that looks like it would be quite good. They discuss how to deal with children of each age group.

Title: What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce

Authors: Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee

[meanon]

I've read that the best time to tell young kids is a couple of weeks before the move.

 

The very young and the late teens fare better but there is no good age. It's the way it's done, as Merin says. Kids need to know that the people they love still care about each other. They shouldn't have to witness extreme anger or distress. After divorce they will want both parents with them on special occasions

 

My Mum stayed for the kids and all of us now agree it was a mistake. The costs were too high. No matter how bad things get kids usually want their parents to stay together, my sister did. What they want isn't always good for them. The desire to have an intact family has more to do with identity and security than a blindness to the ill effects.

[Tamed Wildflower]

Thanks, Meanon, that was interesting and insightful.

[ready2moveon26]

My husband and I separated when our daughter was only 2. We got back together after a few months of separation, but should not have. Things went well for a while but we did not trust one another and ended up separating again when our daughter was 4. Now, I wish we had not gotten back together because of her. She understands a lot and is very smart. We had a really hard time last summer when she didn't want to go to her dad's house cause Mommy wasn't there. He had a very hard time believing that it wasn't me putting the ideas in her head. (Which I would NEVER do)...She is better with it now that we've been apart for almost a year, but she does draw pictures with her, her dad, and I as a family. Every once in a while, she'll say, Mommy...I wish we still lived in our old house with me and you and Daddy and Ninja (our cat). It breaks my heart every time she talks about it because I do still love her dad very much, but we can not make it as husband and wife...and if we tried, her life would be miserable. We are friends and it is not because of her. We were friends before we were married and have remained friends. Whenever I would join his family in a holiday, someone always asked her (she's 4 mind you) if her Mommy and Daddy were getting back together. We taught her to say, "My Mommy and Daddy love me and that is all that matters!" It got them to shut up. She still remembers that and whenever anyone says anything about us, she tells them that. If I had it to do all over again, I would have just gotten on with my life when we separated the first time. I completely agree with everyone else on here...the younger the better! GOOD LUCK!

[RecordProducer]

Tamed, you know, it's really hard to tell what exactly causes changes in children. The difference in characters between the two sisters you mentioned doesn't necessarily have to have originated from the parents' divorce. Different minds are built differently.

My parents' divorce wouldn't have been so tragic if my mom didn't marry this monster. It's the life that the child has after the divorce that screws us up in the head, not so much the divorce itself.

My ex sees the kids very often, he lives two miles away.

I don't remember how exactly the kids behaved when we split, but they must have been stressed by the fact that their father left. We moved in with my mom (in her apartment where we still live) and the whole drama probably affected their fragile psyches. Unfortunately I wasn't strong enough to spare them the stress I felt. I fought a lot with my mom also and they witnessed that too.

It's very hard to provide a peaceful life for your children either with or without a husband.

I believe that generally my kids are better off since their dad and I don't live together. He also has a 8-year old daughter from his first marriage living with him who was the main reason why we got divorced. Her mom unfortunately died in a car accident when she was 11 months old. My kids don't get along with her (nobody does) and since recently they don't even want to visit their father anymore. I don't know what happened there and what changed, but everything started since they met my BF who showered them with attention. But not wanting to see their dad is really new. Before they couldn't wait to see him and they were seeing him every day. I guess he doesn't spend quality time with them and somehow they realized that.

[tiki]

Originally posted by Tamed Wildflower

Tiki did you see your dad a lot when you were growing up even though you didn't live with him? How is your relationship with him?

 

I saw him every other weekend until I began getting a social life (age 14 or 15). It was harder to go see him then and stay the whole weekend. I'd rather be with my friends. He seemed to had understood after getting pissed a few times.

 

Our relationship sucks though. My step-dad raised me, basically. I wouldn't want it any other way. He's kind of like a stranger or something. We see each other several times a year or more, but it's limited. And I get bored with the whole thing.

 

My husband and I are trying to make his relationship with his daughter different. We try to involve her with everything - even if it's not on our visit days, we atleast invite her to extend the invitation. I want the door to be open ANY TIME she wants to visit. Not just our 'allotted' time.

 

Kids pick up on that crap. The fact that they're an inconvenience to you, and you only want to see them when you have to. Once they're old enough to realize what's going on (five or six maybe) open up the lines of communication and see what can become available. I think you'll get repercussions ten-fold.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Tamed Wildflower

At what age in a child's life do you think it is LEAST DIFFICULT to experience a divorce between their parents

 

Never, I don't care if the "kids" are 40 yrs old and their parents in their 60's or 70's.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Mine are 8 and 10 and it has been a few months. They live with each of us 50% of the time (two weekdays, alternate weekends). They seem to have adapted pretty well although my 10yr old son's last report card showed some regression and he is going to a school group therapy for kids of divorce. He still has excellent grades.

 

My daughter took a while to start asking questions and realizes now that we are separated and the only difference between that and divorce is that it takes a year of separation before you can file for divorce here, and nobody can get remarried until we are officially divorced, but we are allowed to date other people. We try to not give them any indication as to whether or not we will reconcile, even if we know we won't.

 

We said the same as Ms Pixie pretty much (not their fault, still their mom and dad, they're still always #1, but decided it's best that we don't live together anymore.) We also told them that even if they don't feel like going to dad's or mom's as per the schedule, that it's NOT an option.

 

It also depends on the child's personality. Mine are very easy going kids, not like some kids who are so attached to one parent that you can never go out. We've never had trouble leaving them with a sitter or grandparents.

 

Personally, I would think that teenage years would be difficult because they understand more, and also for preschoolers who would be too young to understand.

[izzybelle]

my kids were 9 and 11 when we split. i know there were times that it was hard on them, it was an adjustment. there were some tears and stomach aches, but neither of them acted out or withdrew, and their grades never suffered. i know two couples going through the beginning/middle stages of separation right now who's oldest kids are teens. and the older kids are definitely having more trouble with it than i remember mine having. whether it's age or personality, it's hard to say. on one hand we can say that because they're older that perhaps they understand more and begin to see that it will be better in the long run. but... at the same time, because they understand more i think it makes it harder for them. they're just starting to explore the whole idea of a relationship with someone of the opposite sex and their "role models" have fallen apart.

 

i don't know that there's an ideal age but i do think that there comes a time when the atmosphere in the home when the parents are together can cause more damage than the divorce can. i know both couples have told me how the fighting, conflict, and tension was causing their kids an incredible amount of pain. there were what seemed like constant tears. if the adults can't get past whatever issues they are having and peacefully coexist, IMHO then it's time, regardless of the ages of the kids. and yes, i've known adult children whos parents divorced, some were relieved that mom and dad finally called it quits and could be happy, others were confused by it all. for me, i was so unhappy in my marriage, i felt myself becoming a lousy mom, i didn't want to be around their father at all. their assessment of that was that i didn't want to be around them. so i knew it was time, the marriage was beginning to hurt them more than it was me and if it couldn't be fixed, it was time to leave.

 

the SG i'm seeings parents divorced well after all the kids were gone from home. he was shocked and i don't think really saw it coming, but when you're not living in the home, how could you? he knows that his parents just had very different ideas of what they wanted to do with the retirement years and happily they've both found someone else to share those dreams with. SG has a remarkably good relationship with both parents and step-parents.

 

it's never easy on the kids but if handled with love, compassion and understanding they will survive. and IMO it's better in the long run for them to have two happy parents apart that miserable parents still together "for the kids."

[b52srock]

As I'm currently going through this I thought I'd toss my two cents in on this subject.

 

My son is 15, the time when a boy needs his father around to learn how to be a man. Unfortunately, his father isn't around much, and when he is all he does is nag the poor kid about his hair and his clothes. Sorry, he may look like a rocker/punk with the long hair and the black clothes, but he doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't shag his girlfriend. He's a very good kid and extremely musically talented. He actually knew dad had a girlfriend long before I did. Never told me. Kept it to himself. Not fair that he's been carrying this burden alone for so long.

 

However, now that things are out in the open and he knows that mom knows, etc., he's not as quiet as he was. He knows there isn't going to be the funds to buy things that were always so easy to have before, and he's really becoming quite a good man despite the lousy lessons in manhood his father has shown.

 

My daughter, however, at 11, is a little harder to deal with. Her emotions are right on the surface all the time, she's angry, she's withdrawn, has very little self esteem. I realize these are normal, both from the standpoint of being a girl and also that girls inevitably love their daddys. I understand those things and try to make it as easy as possible for her. I encourage her at every step, have spoken with her teacher so she knows what the situation is, and literally beg my STBex to spend extra time with her. So far, so good. Who knows what will happen when the terrible teens hit, however. Mothers and daughters are notorious for not getting along during those ages, and this is probably going to add fuel to the pubescent fire.

 

I don't think there's ever a good time for parents to split as far as a child's age is concerned. There are issues at every age. But if I had to do it at any other age in their lives I would choose when they are tiny. Less disruption that way and no other "normal" to compare it to.