Breaking up with MM next weekend. What should I prepare/say?

[lizzzard123]

Never posted here but have been a lurker for a while. After some hard time reflecting and struggling, I finally made up my mind to break up with MM and thought I'd ask for some advice here, since I've seen a lot of wisdom from the responses on this board.

 

So I've been with this MM for almost two and half years. I'm single. He has a wife but no kids. We met at work and it started kind of quick. We really clicked and in the beginning it was more than great. So much to chat and the sex was wonderful.

 

I alway knew that he's married but didn't think this was gonna be long. I was in school too at that time and was kind of busy. So seeing him once or twice a week felt fun and it took off some of the school stress away.

 

As time went by I became more and more involved. After graduation I found a full time job and we no longer work together any more. We'd meet on weekends once in a while, like twice a month or so. I never asked for more cuz I know it's not going anywhere. However every time he left it broke my heart. I never gave him any pressure, but this suppressed feeling just starts to make me really depressed. I'd eat a lot of food after he leaves, and over exercise before seeing him.

 

After reading a lot of books about coping, and actually a lot of psychology research paper as well, I finally decided to break up with him. At this point I'm too consumed by the unhealthy relationship and I think I'm deeply depressed.

I met with a therapist once but didn't find it very helpful.

 

Anyway, we are meeting next weekend, and that would be the time to say goodbye. I borrowed some lines from the books I read and I've drafted what I'm gonna say. However, I don't think I can remain calm during the process. Is there any advice on how to do this in a less devastating way? I really want this to just end. I want a closure as closure-y as it can be. All those late night cries and low self esteem is killing me. I don't even know if I have the courage to do this. Thanks in advance guys... any input would be appreciated.

[CALOVELY]

Never posted here but have been a lurker for a while. After some hard time reflecting and struggling, I finally made up my mind to break up with MM and thought I'd ask for some advice here, since I've seen a lot of wisdom from the responses on this board.

 

So I've been with this MM for almost two and half years. I'm single. He has a wife but no kids. We met at work and it started kind of quick. We really clicked and in the beginning it was more than great. So much to chat and the sex was wonderful.

 

I alway knew that he's married but didn't think this was gonna be long. I was in school too at that time and was kind of busy. So seeing him once or twice a week felt fun and it took off some of the school stress away.

 

As time went by I became more and more involved. After graduation I found a full time job and we no longer work together any more. We'd meet on weekends once in a while, like twice a month or so. I never asked for more cuz I know it's not going anywhere. However every time he left it broke my heart. I never gave him any pressure, but this suppressed feeling just starts to make me really depressed. I'd eat a lot of food after he leaves, and over exercise before seeing him.

 

After reading a lot of books about coping, and actually a lot of psychology research paper as well, I finally decided to break up with him. At this point I'm too consumed by the unhealthy relationship and I think I'm deeply depressed.

I met with a therapist once but didn't find it very helpful.

 

Anyway, we are meeting next weekend, and that would be the time to say goodbye. I borrowed some lines from the books I read and I've drafted what I'm gonna say. However, I don't think I can remain calm during the process. Is there any advice on how to do this in a less devastating way? I really want this to just end. I want a closure as closure-y as it can be. All those late night cries and low self esteem is killing me. I don't even know if I have the courage to do this. Thanks in advance guys... any input would be appreciated.

 

Do not meet with him as he will try and do everything to drag you back in. Send him an email or letter spelling out that this relationship no longer meets your needs and it is over. It sounds harsh but really it is for your benefit. He is married and knew the deal. You owe him nothing and certainly do not need face to face time to get closure.

[evanescentworld]

....

Anyway, we are meeting next weekend, and that would be the time to say goodbye. I borrowed some lines from the books I read and I've drafted what I'm gonna say. However, I don't think I can remain calm during the process. Is there any advice on how to do this in a less devastating way? I really want this to just end. I want a closure as closure-y as it can be. All those late night cries and low self esteem is killing me. I don't even know if I have the courage to do this. Thanks in advance guys... any input would be appreciated.

 

Email:

 

"I won't be seeing you next weekend. Somthing has come up. It's called 'New Life". In fact, I won't be seeing you ever again. I'm moving on, I deserve better.

 

Don't try to contact me. Am changing all contact details, and blocking you in avenues where that is not possible.

 

Have a good life. I am determined to have one too.

 

*Name*"

 

And follow through.

Change every contact detail you can, including changing your 'phone number, if necessary.

It can and has been done, before.

Block, deny, delete, ignore, move on.

 

Sorted.

 

Enjoy your new life.

[Gloria_Smellons]

I second not actually meeting with him.

 

In my opinion there's no way to make this less devastating, but sadly there are ways you can make it more painful - and meeting him is one of those.

 

Ask yourself why you really want to meet him, and be honest with yourself. I think a lot of OW want a final showdown with their MM because they want to give MM one last chance to say what they want to hear, one last chance to realise what they're about to lose.

 

This is a road that will only lead to disappointment. At best he'll say exactly what you want to hear - without actually meaning any of it - but giving you an excuse to hang on for longer in the hope that something will change. At worst he won't say anything you want to hear and you'll be even more upset wondering if you ever meant anything to him and how he could act this way.

 

You've realised you have to end it for yourself, give yourself some credit for that. Now give yourself some more credit by ending it in the best possible way for you. You owe MM nothing.

 

I know it can feel like there's so much left unsaid, so much you want to ask, and so much you want to say, but really, words will not help you here. Closure will not come from him, it will come from you.

 

If you have your draft speech ready, I would write it all down, but just to get it all out of your head. Do not send it to him. Rip it up or burn it and try to let go of it all that way.

 

I wouldn't actually advocate speaking to him at all in this situation, but if you really feel that for your own benefit you need to say something (again I stress you feel this would help YOU, not because you want to incite a response from him) then drop him a text or email but keep it short and succinct. 'I don't wish to do this anymore, don't contact me again'. You don't need to say anymore than that, all the rest is obvious.

 

Then block, block, block.

[KismetGirl]

You're over thinking it.

 

You will fail if you do this in person, from what I am gathering about you in this limited scope. He will suck you in. You will melt at his words, touch, smile.

 

Send an email as above-- i cannot deal with this situation anymore. I want a real relationship. If you can show me divorce papers then feel free to contact me again. Until that date dont talk to me. I will be blocking you in every medium I can. And do it.

 

It will hurt, you will cry, you will miss him, and eventually you will not care anymore.

 

I feel like i write this so often on this board but im trying desperatly to let other avoid my awful situation. I've been an OW on and off TEN YEARS. I have done NC, and I can tell you after three years of not talking to him i was healing. I thought about him but i dated other guys and i was happier.

 

I reconnected with him and ive been feeling like i want to jump off a cliff.

 

NC is the best thing you can do for yourself. It's hard at first but with time it is best for your mental health, trust me.

 

BTW- therapy can be very helpful, but even with the best therapist in the world, you will get nothing out of one meeting. Therapy is like exercise-- the benefits are usually not in the first time for a person who is overweight and out of shape. In fact, exercise to an out of shape person who has never exercised before can be downright painful, boring, and feel miserable. Therapy is the same way-- if you're not used to it (or if the therapist sucks, or both) you will feel resistence. You have to force yourself to go every week for at least a couple months before you can really say if its useless. Trust me on that one too-- from both a personal and professional perspective I know what Im talking about. If you find it difficult to cope and get depressed I really reccomend giving it a bit more time, even if you have to try a couple different therapists until you find one you are comfortable with.

 

Anyway enough on that. Best of luck. Don't be me in 8 years. I'm not even that old. I spent all my 20's and early 30's on and off miserable over a guy who loves me lots but will like never leave his effing wife so not only is this not just "for fun" but i literally have my heart ripped out of my chest. After ten years he finally told me he loved me and ive done nothing but cry today because it gets worse as the days go. Sound like fun? Didn't think so. Then don't be me, lose this dude, and move on. I swear on my life in due time you will not be as bothered and you'll meet other men who you like if you are open to it. While he's around it won't happen cause no one will compare.

 

Goooood luck

[lizzzard123]

Thanks guys for the kind words. Yes, if I think about it, emailing him is probably the best way. I didn't express any of my feelings during the past few meet ups, but I've been building up for a long time, like 3 months or so. It's like the "bottle up and burst" thing. I guess I was curious about his response, and secretively hoping he makes nice but unrealistic promises, which he definitely won't. This is so sad. I can't stop the bad feeling that I've been so used. It sucks so much that every morning you wake up, the first thought is that your relationship fits every sentence in the book you read last night - how to identify an unhealthy and toxic relationship.... Ok I'll just text him "It's time to end." Ugh, I hate him and hate myself:/.

[Gloria_Smellons]

You can do this.

[lizzzard123]

You're over thinking it.

 

I swear on my life in due time you will not be as bothered and you'll meet other men who you like if you are open to it. While he's around it won't happen cause no one will compare.

 

Goooood luck

 

I think you are so right. I tried to date but it feels like no one's as likeable as him. I actually let some really good guy pass. I think I'm at the stage of self-loathing now. He has a family video on youtube and i've watched that for god knows how many times. How pathetic. I don't want to see him any more, never.

[CALOVELY]

I think you are so right. I tried to date but it feels like no one's as likeable as him. I actually let some really good guy pass. I think I'm at the stage of self-loathing now. He has a family video on youtube and i've watched that for god knows how many times. How pathetic. I don't want to see him any more, never.

 

Whatever you do, do not agree to meet with him. You are vulnerable right now and he will do anything to keep you in this relationship with empty promises.

 

It is going to take some time for you to heal. The ending of any relationship is a grieving process, you mourn the future and loss. Allow yourself time for this and it is normal. I think once you finally go through the "stages", you will have less self loathing. It sounds like you know this relationship is bad news and also holding you back in many ways. Remember the last part vs. the memories and you will have a much easier time. And for goodness sakes, stop watching those videos!

[GoldieLox]

I hate him and hate myself.

 

It's okay to hate him (sometimes being angry at someone makes it easier) but don't hate yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, you learn from them. Let the lesson be learned that you shouldn't get involved with married men. It's one that a lot of us here have had to learn the very, very hard way. I know you said you didn't find therapy too helpful, but if you're having a hard time really dealing with it, you may want to try and look for a new therapist. Sometimes it takes a few tries to "click" with the right one. If not, hey. It's definitely not for everyone. But I also ditto what everyone says... Do not meet with him again, because you will not be able to end it. It's very difficult to do in person. Email or text, then block.

[bathtub-row]

You're making too much out of this, which indicates that you're still too attached to him and your conviction about breaking up isn't really there. However you do it, you need to get yourself there mentally and emotionally.

[Be_Strong]

Lizzzard123,

I'll add to the chorus of people here advising you to not break up with MM in person. You still have strong feelings for MM and if you try to break up with him in person he will sense that and use it against you to keep you hooked.

 

If you go the email route, do not put anything in the email about how much you love him, how much you'll miss him, how much you treasure the time you spent together or anything like that. It should be short, indifferent, and kind of cold. The best way of making it stick and allowing everyone to move on the fastest is for you to tell him you're not into him anymore, you're no longer attracted to him, you've lost any feelings you had for him and you're moving on now.

[sunburned]

I really wish I had all this great advice when trying to execute my own break up with my xAP. In your OP you wrote the speech but didn't think you could stay calm to deliver it. That is all you need to know about meeting with him in person. In the unlikely event you can actually pull off that speech, you will only feel worse when he tells you he cannot do any better by you. A more likely scenario is that you will crack, cry, shake and he will reach out and hug you and kiss you to make you feel better and it will start all over.

 

I agree with the advice of the other posters. Write an email keep it short, to the point and bordering on cold. Don't reminisce, don't talk about feelings. Don't tell him it's not working for you "at this time." That will only leave the door open when do you need it slammed shut and locked. clearly you feel like the weaker party in this A. Walking away will give you back some of your strength and power.

 

NC will be painful but post here whenever you have the urge to contact him. Best of luck.

[Satu]

*I guess I was curious about his response, and secretively hoping he makes nice but unrealistic promises, which he definitely won't.

 

*Don't get caught on that hook.

[FusionCutter]

Never posted here but have been a lurker for a while. After some hard time reflecting and struggling, I finally made up my mind to break up with MM and thought I'd ask for some advice here, since I've seen a lot of wisdom from the responses on this board.

 

So I've been with this MM for almost two and half years. I'm single. He has a wife but no kids. We met at work and it started kind of quick. We really clicked and in the beginning it was more than great. So much to chat and the sex was wonderful.

 

I alway knew that he's married but didn't think this was gonna be long. I was in school too at that time and was kind of busy. So seeing him once or twice a week felt fun and it took off some of the school stress away.

 

As time went by I became more and more involved. After graduation I found a full time job and we no longer work together any more. We'd meet on weekends once in a while, like twice a month or so. I never asked for more cuz I know it's not going anywhere. However every time he left it broke my heart. I never gave him any pressure, but this suppressed feeling just starts to make me really depressed. I'd eat a lot of food after he leaves, and over exercise before seeing him.

 

After reading a lot of books about coping, and actually a lot of psychology research paper as well, I finally decided to break up with him. At this point I'm too consumed by the unhealthy relationship and I think I'm deeply depressed.

I met with a therapist once but didn't find it very helpful.

 

Anyway, we are meeting next weekend, and that would be the time to say goodbye. I borrowed some lines from the books I read and I've drafted what I'm gonna say. However, I don't think I can remain calm during the process. Is there any advice on how to do this in a less devastating way? I really want this to just end. I want a closure as closure-y as it can be. All those late night cries and low self esteem is killing me. I don't even know if I have the courage to do this. Thanks in advance guys... any input would be appreciated.

 

For the least pain, send one email. "It's over."

 

Delete block and never look back. You might struggle to understand why people recommend this, but one day you will look and agree it is the best way.

[preraph]

Email "I've given it a lot of thought. We both know this is unhealthy. I need more and I realized that even if you left your wife, I'd never be able to trust you since you cheated on her. So I'm moving on. Please don't try to contact me because I want to make a clean break."

[KismetGirl]

I think you are so right. I tried to date but it feels like no one's as likeable as him. I actually let some really good guy pass. I think I'm at the stage of self-loathing now. He has a family video on youtube and i've watched that for god knows how many times. How pathetic. I don't want to see him any more, never.

 

Please, it's not pathetic. We all do the same thing. I was stalking out photos of his IN-LAWS for chrissake, because his profile is closed to non-friends and his wife blocked me. But I happened on his in-law's profile and there were lots of photos there of him and his family and i couldnt help but look. I sit and imagine what it would be like if it was me in those photos having a nice normal life with him instead of his wife.

 

It's masochism at its finest.

 

Text messaging can get involved. If i were you I'd just email everything you need to say in one email and ask him not to keep torturing you by responding unless he has changes in his relationship proven (eg- divorce) to show you. Which obviously he will not anytime soon. Threaten to contact his wife if you want. I know my MM, and if I told him not to contact me again he wouldnt, I've just never told him that. He wouldn't take me threatening to tell his wife stuff kindly. You know your dude better than me. But tell him to bugger off.

 

Block him on your phone. No texts, no calls. Block facebook. Block it all. Block his wife. Erase your browser history so the youtube video doesnt pop up anymore.

 

Its going to be hard at first. My advice is easier to give than to take, believe you me, I know. I am in the seventh circle of hell right now after talking to my idiot MM again. I wish he had never contacted me again because I was too weak to not respond. You be stronger than I was, please.

[FireandIce007]

I agree with another poster, if you want to end it just delete, block, and never look back. You don't owe him anything. You owe it to yourself to have peace and clarity in your mind and heart. Meeting up with him will only slow down your healing process. He'll say and do whatever it takes to keep you there, throw just enough crumbs to make you stay and you deserve much more than that. He's married and playing the happy husband at home with his kids. Let him do that and don't participate by being his escape whenever he wants time away from home.

[lizzzard123]

Hi guys, just to follow up. I sent him a brief email and said it's time to end. Yes i think it's a better way than to say it in person. I don't think I want to see him anymore. My self esteem is low enough from the affair so no need to make it worse.

 

Thanks for all the support. Huge lessons learned. Never ever will I do this again.

[bathtub-row]

Hi guys, just to follow up. I sent him a brief email and said it's time to end. Yes i think it's a better way than to say it in person. I don't think I want to see him anymore. My self esteem is low enough from the affair so no need to make it worse.

 

Thanks for all the support. Huge lessons learned. Never ever will I do this again.

 

You and me both, sister. Wild horses couldn't drag me back into another affair. I'm proud of you! You did a good thing for yourself. When you start to feel too down or start to weaken, come back here and we'll smack you around a little. Lol! Just kidding. Actually, sometimes I have to just kind of joke with myself about the whole thing. It helps.

 

Wishing you the best!

[sunburned]

Hi guys, just to follow up. I sent him a brief email and said it's time to end. Yes i think it's a better way than to say it in person. I don't think I want to see him anymore. My self esteem is low enough from the affair so no need to make it worse.

 

Thanks for all the support. Huge lessons learned. Never ever will I do this again.[/quote

 

Way to go, lizzard. Now block him as he will likely try to call or text and convince you otherwise. And while that may be what you think you want to hear, you will end up in a circuitous conversation that never gets resolved.

 

Been there, blocked that.

[GoldieLox]

Glad to hear that you did not meet him in person. It's definitely for the best... Now it's time to begin healing. It may be a long road, but you'll feel so much better in the long run. hugs.