Being stalked by BS

[Jesuischarlie]

Why am I getting off topic advice. I should stop meeting him? If BS was here what would you be telling her?

[Jesuischarlie]

But you've only been a fraction of his life for the same time.

 

 

He still hasn't left.

 

 

How long has his wife been a part of his life?

 

Your point is what. Quantity beats quality? " no it doesn't

.

[purplesorrow]

Why am I getting off topic advice. I should stop meeting him? If BS was here what would you be telling her?

 

To decide on her marriage because she is well.... Married to him. I personally would suggest she kick him out.

[howcouldInotknow]

people keep throwing around that OP has a lack of empathy towards the BS why does she need to. If most OW felt empathy affairs wouldn't happen. If MM felt empathy towards his own wife he wouldn't have carried on for so long. Unfortunately it is the nature of affairs. Not saying it's right but it is what it is. MM still communicates with OP so who actually owes BSempathy here. He has chosen to stay in his marriage so he should be the one expressing empathy and doing the most to make his wife comfortable. I am certain BS hates OW just as much. It's all a matter of perspective I guess. In my opinion there are two victims here OP and BS. Emotions are a powerful thing especially she you believe yourself to be in love. Eventually OP will get over it. Harsh words won't make it happen any faster.

[Lurkeraspect]

Why am I getting off topic advice. I should stop meeting him? If BS was here what would you be telling her?

 

Since you didn't ask a question in your OP you shouldn't be surprised at the comments you've received.

 

On to the questions in your most recent post:

 

1. Yes, you should stop meeting him. Best I can tell you get nothing out of it except more heartache. Nothing here has changed or is likely ever to change.

 

2. Pretty sure if the BS were posting, the overwhelming majority would tell her to divorce this weak willed, gas lighting attempt at a man. But she's not here. He's not here. You are.

 

You say you love this man, can you explain what makes him so lovable?

 

If this is love, I'm certainly more than happy to remain blissfully alone. The person you need to love, is yourself.

[xxoo]

Why am I getting off topic advice. I should stop meeting him? If BS was here what would you be telling her?

 

I'd tell her the same: free yourself from this unhealthy dynamic. Choose peace for yourself.

[purplesorrow]

people keep throwing around that OP has a lack of empathy towards the BS why does she need to. If most OW felt empathy affairs wouldn't happen. If MM felt empathy towards his own wife he wouldn't have carried on for so long. Unfortunately it is the nature of affairs. Not saying it's right but it is what it is. MM still communicates with OP so who actually owes BSempathy here. He has chosen to stay in his marriage so he should be the one expressing empathy and doing the most to make his wife comfortable. I am certain BS hates OW just as much. It's all a matter of perspective I guess. In my opinion there are two victims here OP and BS. Emotions are a powerful thing especially she you believe yourself to be in love. Eventually OP will get over it. Harsh words won't make it happen any faster.

 

Op is seeking empathy but doesn't want to give it. Probably why she is getting harsh words. Why would OP have a reason to hate his wife?

[autumnnight]

It's not me who the problem is.

 

Keep telling yourself that

[Lurkeraspect]

Op is seeking empathy but doesn't want to give it. Probably why she is getting harsh words. Why would OP have a reason to hate his wife?

 

Because she refuses to throw in the white flag of surrender. OP has made it all about the BS and her staying, instead of OP taking back her power and walking away. It's all a game, and for the life of me, I see nothing worth fighting for, on either side.

[elaine567]

Because she refuses to throw in the white flag of surrender. OP has made it all about the BS and her staying, instead of OP taking back her power and walking away. It's all a game, and for the life of me, I see nothing worth fighting for, on either side.

 

Agreed this is a competition for the OP, to leave the game now would be to admit defeat and to accept that MM really doesn't love her, or that he is not worth fighting for.

To leave would also mean the BS wins and that is unthinkable.

That would mess her up so much, she doesn't want to go there, whatever happens.

So she accepts crumbs, anything is better than nothing and she will defend him to the last it appears.

[MissBee]

I had to deal with the same thing, a crazy woman who couldn't let go when it was best to stop kicking the dead horse. My husband had already left her though, so it's a little bit different, but not much. Any grown woman who is stalking and attempting to intimidate is acting like a petulant teenager. No matter what one is feeling they should be able to control their own behaviors. You will hear a lot on here about how a BS is allowed to do anything that they want because they are hurting, don't buy it.

 

I got a restraining order on the BS as did my husband and his children. She still has been unable to control herself to the extent that an adult should be able to do so which causes her children to continue to pull away from her. Sympathy for someone who is hurting is one thing. Enabling someone who is having some sort of psychotic break because the world is too hard for them is completely another.

 

People every day experience losses much worse than having a marriage partner who starts another relationship. All of those people don't become psychotic emotional messes and begin to encroach on the rights of others. She is obviously unstable and mentally and emotionally weak and therefore could be dangerous. But honestly, usually these types of women who have the loudest bark are unable to defend themselves physically if it comes down to that, all talk and emotional immaturity in most cases.

 

File the restraining order. Even if the police won't file it, you will begin the paper trail of harassment. Take pictures with your phone camera that can date and time when she is following you, videos if you can. Catch any childish behavior on her part on film or with pictures, it will help later show her character, if you end up in court. Document everything. Write down when she follows you, what she does and says, time and date it. Let her dig her own legal grave, the work on your part is minimal. If you are truly in fear for your physical safety, carry a weapon of some sort with you. If she assaults you, you are allowed legally to use whatever force necessary to protect yourself and it's not your fault if she bites off more than she can chew with her little tantrum of trying to get her way and exert posession over another human being.

 

I cannot even tell you how ridiculous some women make themselves look in some weird attempt to keep someone that doesn't want them. Claims of temporary insanity rarely hold up in court. Here in the real world adults are expected to act like adults and when they don't, there are consequences. Part of being in an adult relationship is the chance that it won't last and if she can't handle that she shouldn't have ventured into a marriage. Marriage is not a golden ticket to do whatever you want. She could divorce him as easily as he could divorce her. She has other choices she just wants the drama. Don't feed her need for drama, simply legally and physically protect yourself. She is making her bed, let her lie in it.

 

It seems what you're discussing here isn't the same as the OP's scenario.

 

Not one person has said this BS (or any) is allowed to do whatever they want. I think most people have said if she feels threatened and stalked she should alert the authorities and the OP herself said the woman hasn't done anything illegal thus far, so folks have pointed out that since the A is over, perhaps one way jesuischarlie can move on from the drama is to stop trying to be "friends" with the MM behind his wife's back as she is also making her bed by doing so given the situation. Your former affair partner does NOT have to be your friend and if you think their wife is nuts wouldn't it be best to stay clear? If anything the exOW who is still trying to be friends with MM and having to doge is wife is the one who "cannot let go" more so than the woman who is still married to him and is told the affair is over.

 

 

The BS and the MM are still married and the A is allegedly over, so "unwanted women" "holding on to a man who doesn't want them" who cannot move on is neither here nor there, since the MM is still married to her and isn't saying otherwise, so it isn't like he has moved on to be with jesuischarlie and she can't get over it. If anything, the exOW who is still trying to maintain the MM's "friendship" and presence in her life, when he's explicitly not leaving his wife and when she feels the wife is nuts, has her own issues of not letting go as well.

Edited February 2, 2015 by MissBee

[TigerLilly78]

I love him) - : and he's been my life for 7 years

And he will continue to "not fully be in your life" for another 7 or 10 or 15 years as long as it serves him leaving you to be nothing but the dirty secret in the corner of their marriage.

 

By the time it all finally plays out you will be older alone and wasted a good portion of your life carrying a candle for a man that was never fully yours he however will still have his marriage and family to fall back on. Who knows what else life could have been in that time if you had chosen to not be this mans puppet doesn't that thought make you sad?...

 

The wife is not the problem here OP the MM is but I think you know this tho as ive looked thu alot of your other posts and there seams to be a running trend of hostility towards him as well in them is this really worth it?

 

What are you going to gain with a man who refuses to leave his wife? are you content to play these games for ever? why dont you want better for yourself? can you imagine how the wife must feel honestly if you were in her shoes how would you feel and if you cant admit it to us at least do so to yourself..

 

People are telling you to cut contact because it is very relevant to the situation at hand if you make a honest effort to remove this man from your life the wife will pick up on that and eventually she will back off if she doesn't then you will have a genuine complaint far as she goes.

 

Like you have said its a small town? and people talk so stop giving them things to talk about and you will be amazed at how things might change. But that would take initiative on your end and a want to better your life MM is playing you both for a fool and has been for a long time..

 

So how long do you want to be his part time second choice? genuine love is a amazeing thing something everyone deserves to know but this is not it OP not even close...

[MissBee]

Also, what is it with some people on here claiming that people here find BSes lashing out inappropriately OK? I have been here for two years and have NEVER seen ANYONE here encourage or say that that behavior is acceptable. Never.

 

The general consensus is that those involved need to remove themselves from the situation, and for Bses to channel their emotions in a healthier way. Which is perfectly reasonable advice.

 

So can we please stop it with this lie?

 

Ditto.

 

Argue about things people are really saying or saying in the specific thread, don't waltz in and start arguing about things you believe people "always say" or "always think" or "will tell you", especially when you look around the thread and no such thing is thought, said or being told by anyone .

[MissBee]

And again today she was parked at a prime place where we met alot where she can see cars coming easily. She also went into my friends shop. My friend said she'd never sen her before. Never before in 7 years. If she's looking for me... What for ? Or is she looking for him? But why park near my car as the other day?

 

This does NOT count as the woman stalking you.

 

It seems you are the one hyperfocused on seeing her everywhere.

 

I don't think if she were looking for you she wouldn't have found you. You live in a small town. You've seen her car at several places, so clearly, if she wanted to confront or "find" you, she would have.

 

I assume these shops and places are places of business and she does her business and leaves. Does she confront you? Are you ever face to face? Is she already there when you get there or does she pull up at the same minute as you? Is she coming to your home or do you only see her car (not even her) at local businesses? If you only see her car parked at local businesses (and she's not driving by your home or parking out in front of your home), you're probably letting paranoia and guilt get the best of you.

 

I don't believe this woman is stalking you or attempting to confront or hurt you. I'd stop worrying about what she is and isn't doing personally and focus on myself.

[CALOVELY]

Why am I getting off topic advice. I should stop meeting him? If BS was here what would you be telling her?

 

I would be telling her to hire a shark of a lawyer and divorce this sorry excuse for a man. My advice to you is similar. End all contact with this person.

[sunburned]

Meow.. He doesn't want his wife. Why are you do bitter?

Why would I be bitter? I'm not the BS in your sitch (or any for that matter). I don't know you and I don't care what happens to you because it will have absolutely zero impact on my life. I don't really care about your MM's BS either because I don't know her. But I can still call a spade a spade.

 

 

It's not bitterness. I'm just dumbfounded you can be so obtuse. You say your MM "doesn't want his wife." You haven't yet told us why he's stayed with her for 7 years when he could have had you. Since there doesn't seem to be a big reveal forthcoming, most of us can only speculate he's with his wife because he wants to be.

 

 

Furthermore, you seem to resent the replies of the BS on this board and point out to people who've been here for years that "this is the OW board." Many of us post in both sections, trying to be helpful wherever we can. More importantly, it is a PUBLIC board and anyone can and will reply.

 

 

Sunburned

(xMOW for what it's worth)

[jellybean89]

OP, you have been posting here for years about the MM. He has told you by his words he doesn't want the affair anymore. He has told you by his actions (slapping you at a party) that he doesn't want the affair anymore. He has involved his wife in trying to get you to leave him alone.

 

What more needs to happen before you stop trying to continue the affair when he doesn't want the affair anymore?

 

You hate his wife. We got that. You feel she should have left him. You gave her a bunch of 'evidence' of the affair. You seem so angry that she hasn't left him; yet he hasn't left her. Shouldn't your anger be at him for choosing to not leave his marriage?

 

From what you have posted, she is going about her life. Believe it or not, even people in small towns change up their 'routines' from time to time. Maybe her H is acting squirrely again and she assumes it is you he is sneaking around to see, when in actuality, it could be someone new that she doesn't know about.

 

The point is - why do you continue? What are you getting out of this? Don't say "you love him", that is neither here nor there. He isn't going to be your H one day; he isn't going to be your boyfriend. Heck, he isn't even your lover anymore.

 

Why do you continue? why can't you let go? Is it about competing with the wife? I know you have posted previously about the competition with her and your posts implied how you wanted to "win" him over her. That you couldn't let go because that would mean she would 'win'.

 

You are wasting your life on hoping this guy will come back to you? Why would you do that to yourself? You say everyone in your small town knows about the affair...do you think this is a good thing? Do you not care that people are talking about you? How much longer are you going to keep this up? How much more of your life are you going to let pass you by? Over some dude who is married and not leaving his wife?

[whatatangledweb]

What happened when the BS contacted the police about you ? Did they contact you? Is that why you have not gone yourself now that you feel you are being stalked?

[stillafool]

She went to the police about me several months ago. Contacting her husband... Well let's say I stupidly called him at home when she was out but came back suddenly. Sigh. I think that's delusional. Because she ignored the nose on her face she no longer was on my radar. She deserves all she gets. It's not me who the problem is. It's her marriage. (BS this is an OW forum). Her marriage is not fixable by me.

 

I think it's amazing that you are courageous enough to call her home looking for her husband but too cowardly to approach her and ask her if she is following you and why. Maybe you two can have a real conversation about this affair. I imagine one reason you don't want a confrontation is because you still plan on seeing her husband. And, btw I am not a BS or a WS.

[Sassy Girl]

Your point is what. Quantity beats quality? " no it doesn't

.

 

My point is that your feekings are clearly unrequited.

 

You won't stop because he's been "your life" for 7 years.

 

You've been a side piece in his for the same time.... HIS WIFE has been his life for.... How many years now? And that is why he, like you, won't leave.

 

Please ... You're conjng off really needy and clingy... Let go. For your own sake. Haven't you wasted enough time on a man who doesn't see you the way you see him?

 

It's pretty simple... If he wanted you, he would be with you.

 

He is your life? Really? Sounds like you need a new hobby. No one should be centre of your life except yourself.

 

And why are you asking for advice when you already know the answer?

[Sassy Girl]

He slapped you? Really???

 

Girl, get some self respect. It would be a cold day in hell the day a man laid a finger on me in anger and got to breathe the same air as me again.

 

No way.

[Hope Shimmers]

There are multiple types of restraining orders

 

... none of which are worth the paper they are written on.

 

I have only read a few pages of this thread but I think OP needs to de-focus on ex-OM's wife unless ex-OM's wife is threatening her. She should also stop contact with ex-OM unless she wants to risk becoming one of those statistics where the ex-OM's wife pulls out a gun and shoots ex-OW. Not really all that much out of the realm of possibility in a world where (for example) people who cut someone off on a freeway get shot at, and toddlers find loaded guns in the purses of their mom and manage to hit both their mom and dad in one shot.

[Hope Shimmers]

He slapped you? Really???

 

Girl, get some self respect. It would be a cold day in hell the day a man laid a finger on me in anger and got to breathe the same air as me again.

 

No way.

 

Ditto.

 

From someone who took a lot more physical (and mental) abuse than that in a marriage. Get some self-respect already and leave this loser and abuser of a man. Let his wife have him and leave them alone.

[Lurkeraspect]

Ditto.

 

From someone who took a lot more physical (and mental) abuse than that in a marriage. Get some self-respect already and leave this loser and abuser of a man. Let his wife have him and leave them alone.

 

Sadly, she won't.

 

It's about winning. Whatever the price, whatever the (perceived) prize.

 

Some situations are just a lost cause.

[Jesuischarlie]

I think it's amazing that you are courageous enough to call her home looking for her husband but too cowardly to approach her and ask her if she is following you and why. Maybe you two can have a real conversation about this affair. I imagine one reason you don't want a confrontation is because you still plan on seeing her husband. And, btw I am not a BS or a WS.

She wasn't there. And we've spoken many times like this. It just so happened she came back.