Husband wont agree to terms

[getagrip]

My husband of 15 years has just admitted that he has been having an emotional relationship with a woman he works with. He said he has very strong feelings for her and even said he thinks he loves her. At first he asked for a separation and then stated that he wanted to try and work it out with me. However I told him that he would have to sever all contact with the woman he works with. He stated that he would not be willing to do that. So, I am at a cross road. We have young children and I feel if I push the issue he will leave and if I don't push the issue he will continue the relationship with her and either leave or try to keep both relationships going. I am not willing to share him with someone else.

 

I know it is not acceptable for him to treat me or the kids this way and I know I have to have a back bone but it will not be easy to tell him to go either.

 

What should I do?

[HokeyReligions]

He made a commitment to you. If he is not even willing to sever all communication with this other woman then he is not holding to his commitment. Cut him lose. It will hurt, but not as much as sharing him with another and allowing your children to watch and learn that they can do that too when they are adults. Boundaries are there for a reason, and though they flex sometimes, once broken it's darn hard to mend them---you always see the repair.

 

He may come to realize that its really YOU he wants and, with counseling, maybe you can make your marriage work. Sometimes couples do get back together after a separation and sometimes they find the strength to move on themselves.

[StillHurtin]

I am sorry you are going through this. I agree w/ Hokey. My H also was having an A w/ a co-worker and he didn't admit to it until after he wanted the M to work. I kicked him out of our home and then moved back to my hometown as soon as my kids finished the school year. It was the hardest thing I had to deal w/ in my life. I never felt so much pain. It was the worst! I still loved H but he chose the OW and wanted to be w/ her so I let him go, I stopped fighting for him after a few months. I went on w/ my life and as much as I was scared to be w/o him it wasn't really that bad, I had a lot of support from my family and I went to counseling once a week. I know this must hurt but if he's not willing to have NC w/ the OW I don't really see how the M can work. I wish you the best. I hope it works out for you.

[cranium]

MW of 15 years had a 10 month emotional/physical A with a much younger single co-worker. She approached me about us possibly needing to separate and denied to my face their was someone else. I had us in counseling within a week. We had been in counseling for two months before their relationship became really physical and four months by the time I discovered what was going on; she didn't admit

it to me. We also have small children and I really don't know WTF she was thinking.

 

You said your husband admitted it and wants to work it out with you. Do you think he wants to keep this going? Is this women married? I'd wonder if the relationship were not already physical also. Go to counseling.

 

5 months have passed for me since I found out. They still work together and their is no way for them to have NC. We have set ground rules, however. She knows that I want him to make himself f-ing invisible to her as best he can. Conversations are kept professional and she tells me of any personal interaction they have. He knows I know; does this other women know your H has told you? Again, go to counseling. You need to ask of your H whatever you need to help you deal with this.

Best to you.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by getagrip

....I feel if I push the issue he will leave....

 

In a way, he is already gone. You can't lose something that you don't have, and right now he's given his tender emotions to someone else.

 

You don't have to be hysterical, and you don't have to be a b*tch, but if you don't intend to share your man with someone else....you're going to have to make that plain for him.

 

I had a similar situation. I was understanding and attentive to his feelings. I let him rely on me in friendship, and let him talk it all out with me. But I drew a line in the sand too, and let him know that if he left me....it was permanent. I wouldn't have taken him back after his marriage sabatical.

 

I can't tell you what the right thing for you or your family is. You know him best afterall. But I can tell you that when your spouse is REALLY determined to go on this kind of exploration, there's not a whole lot you can do to dissuade them anyway.

 

So, laying your ears back, and saying 'I won't share' isn't going to put you in worse shape than your in right now. You lose nothing that isn't already lost.

[RecordProducer]

I guess now everything depends on her and not on you or him. Sorry to tell you this, but I think if she wants him, he will be with her regardless of what you say or do. If she rejects him, he might come back to your arms or he might still want to separate. It's unusual for a man to say what he said. He might just want to make you kick him out of the marriage if he doesn't have the courage to leave.

I am sure many people out there feel affection for someone during their marriages, but they control their feelings. However if it turns into an affair, things become more definite.

He's talking about the rabbit while it's still running in the woods. He is not even sure he loves her. Or he is sure and knows that she wants him too.

Perhaps she has told him that he is a married man and won't have anything to do with him so he decided to change that. Chances are, she could have told him that just to get rid of him. She only wants to be friends and in order to not offend him, she said the reason was he was married. Once he leaves, he might find out that she simply doesn't want him for himself, not only because he's married.

Maybe she really minds the fact that he is married, but likes him otherwise, but he doesn't sound like that is the case.

I understand the uncertainty is killing you. I posted an opinion that you can relate to to some extent. You might want to read it. It refers to how, in my opinion, a woman should behave in a situation where another woman is a threat. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=445178#post445178