harleygirl92156 Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 I Messed Up. Hubby Had An Affair And I Was Sure He Was'nt Telling The "whole" Truth. I Set Up And Email Account In His Name And Left If Hanging Out There To See If I Could Get A Response. I Had Forgotten About It Until Today. "she" Emailed Him! I Responded And Ask Her What Happened. She Told Me Everything, Answered All My Questions And Verified That Some Of What He Said Was True But He Left A Lot Out. He Said They Were Together Once, They Were Together Three Times Over A Eight Or Nine Month Period. He Said It Happened Because He Was Drunk, But He Approched Her And Ask Her If She Wanted To Have An Affair. Other Than That He Is Telling The Truth Pretty Much. Ok, Do I Tell Him What I Did. I Feel Like I Am As Bad As Him Now. He Is Swearing To Tell The Truth, But I Know He Is Lying. I Told Him Tonight I Know The Truth, But He Thinks I Am Just Saying That And Don't Really, But I Do. I Really Put Myself In A Bad Situation, But I Think It All Needs To Be Put On The Table. I Need To Be Honest With Him To And Let Him Know What Happened And What I Know. Do I Just Tell Him Or Do I Do It With The Counselors At The Aftercare Program. I Don't Want To Send Him Back To The Bottle. He Has Been Sober Almost Four Months. I Am Scared Now. I Want To Trust Him, But Know The Truth Is Not Coming Out. What Do I Do. Fess Up Or Keep It To Myself< Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 What's up with the caps??? My opinion is this...tell him what you know....tell him how you know it. Copy all those emails, and print them out and store them in a safe place. At this point, you need to decide what you're going to do now that you know for sure what's going on. Do you want to remain married to this man?? If so, then you need to TELL HIM what you require from him if he wants to stay married to you. NC with this woman, the drinking ends NOW, marriage counseling, etc...whatever it is that YOU need to make this marriage work. If he doesn't agree....boot him out. If you decide that you'll never trust him again, that he's ruined your marriage to the point where it's beyond repair, then boot him out...and get a lawyer. What happens now is up to YOU...not him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 Originally posted by Owl What's up with the caps??? Yeah. This is the freakiest post I've seen yet. I'm used to the people who hit Caps Lock and everything is all capital letters, But You Capitalized The First Letter Of Every Word!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 What you did was wrong, yes. But not as wrong as what he did. To me, fidelity is 60% of the relationship. With out that, there is no relationship. I think you should tell him what you did. Tell him that what he did doesnt even compare to what you did. You needed closure and thats what you got. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 I think it's called hide her identity just incase somebody knows her style of typing?? I don't know... I think you need to tell him that you found out more details of his affair. He should have come totally clean with you but he didn't. One main reason why you need to tell him first is SHE may contact him and tell him that she exchanged emails with you. And do discuss this with the MC. If he goes back to drinking that is his choice, so don't put that responsibility on your shoulders! HE is the one who cheated, not YOU. You need to look out for yourself now... Link to post Share on other sites
Author harleygirl92156 Posted April 3, 2005 Author Share Posted April 3, 2005 Well, I told him what I did. He was leaving, walking out the door the next day, I knew it would be a short discussion because he wouldn't be late if the world came to and end. I just said to him "I know your truth and you need to share it with me." He got pissed and defensive and I looked him in the eye and said "You slept with her three time, the first time 2 and a half years ago, the last time a year and a half ago." He said nothing, just walked out and went to work. I came home for lunch and he was sitting out on our deck and looked like hell. I ask him what his plans were for the evening and he said "Well, I would think you and I need to talk." I said about what and he just looked at me and said "It's true" and I told him I know it's true, I just needed you to tell me. Ofcourse, he wanted to know how I found out and I said we would talk about that after he told me what happend fully and truely. He had to go so we agreed to talk in the evening. He came home and avoided me and I just let him. He finally came in and said down and said "Where do you want to start and I said "at the beginning" and he did. He told me the same thing she did except he couldn't remember????how it got started. She said he approched her and I believe her, I told him what she said and he just said he really didn't remember for sure because it was so long ago. The rest, he was even willing to give sexual details which I declined!!!!!, he told me exactly what she did. So I feel better, he says he feels better because it was killing him and threatening his sobriety. I feel I have closure and we can now work to restore our relationship. I made it very clear that if this ever happened again, if he lived, I would divorce him without remorse. He will either walk the line or get sneekier....we will see....I will be more aware and on alert for a long long time too and would just take his word for everything and will not let him know which times or when I will be checking up on him, but he will know I check up on him.......until the trust is re-established. That will take time and effort on both parts, but mostly his. He will have to show me I can trust him and I will trust him unless things don't add up. Today is a good day, hopefully it is the beginning of recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted April 3, 2005 Share Posted April 3, 2005 Thats good but I'd still watch him like a hawk for a while. And you have no reason to feel that guilty for what you did, think of it this way, his infidelity lead to his lying about his infidelity, which lead to you having to go behind his back to find out the truth he was too much of a coward to tell you. He is to blame. At some point if everything goes well you will have to trust him again and let go of the constant watchful eye, doing that now and him expecting you to do that now would be asking too much. He has to earn that trust. I suggest a keylogger to record all his online activity. Link to post Share on other sites
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