Heartbroken1107 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Just a little background, H and I have been together for 19 years and M 11 we have a S together. Last year we had been arguing a lot. In November I just couldn't handle it anymore, he was constantly angry and snapping at S and myself, so I told him to take a couple of weeks and stay with his parents. He left and came back a couple of days later and told me he loves me but not in love with me, that we shouldn't have gotten married when we did, that we were broken. I have felt for awhile that there was ow. Found out in 1st of January that he was seeing someone else, I think it's someone he works with. He has me so confused he comes over and tells me that maybe this is what we needed time apart, tells my S that daddy doesn't live here right now, always tells me how great I look. Then when he visits S during the week I can tell he has been around her. He is distant, tells me he shouldn't have said the things he has, like telling me that he wants to work on our M. I want our M to work, but I know I don't stand a chance with OW in the picture. I'm only giving him until April to make up his mind, if he doesn't decide I'm going to file for D, even if I don't want too. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 If you want to shock him into reality you need to present him with divorce papers ASAP. Out the affair to his family. It is your best chances of him getting his head out of his ass. And tell him you know about her so he can't rug sweep. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken1107 Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 I did tell his mom, dad, and sisters, and people he works with. I don't think that helped at all. His family is the type that doesn't say much. He messes with my head a lot, just enough to give me hope, I exposed the A the same night I found out. I turned off his cellphone that he was using to communicate with ow. I just don't know what else to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken1107 Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Stupid me decided 2 weeks ago to have sex with H. That is when he was talking about us getting new house, and selling the one we have, he also was saying how he didn't understand how I would ever forgive him. I told him when I said my vows I meant them. He has done this several times to me. I've been doing no contact, emails, phone calls, imessage. Try not to talk about our relationship. He can't stand when I don't talk to him. He has also promised my S things and not followed through. Like calling him when he says he will. Of course my S could care less. He has always been a mamas boy. But still he should do things that he says he is going to. I told him when this first started that when another women comes into his life he would forget about S, he said never, I think I'm right. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 File. It's the only hope. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Stupid me decided 2 weeks ago to have sex with H. That is when he was talking about us getting new house, and selling the one we have, he also was saying how he didn't understand how I would ever forgive him. I told him when I said my vows I meant them. He has done this several times to me. I've been doing no contact, emails, phone calls, imessage. Try not to talk about our relationship. He can't stand when I don't talk to him. He has also promised my S things and not followed through. Like calling him when he says he will. Of course my S could care less. He has always been a mamas boy. But still he should do things that he says he is going to. I told him when this first started that when another women comes into his life he would forget about S, he said never, I think I'm right. Carry on not talking to him except where it relates to your son. Don't wait for him to decide. You need to take the power back or you'll end up feeling angry if he chooses her after all this. I agree that you should file for D, if you don't want to do that yet, act like you don't give a damn. Take care of YOU. Go out with friends, to the gym, take up a hobby and show that you will be just fine whatever happens. Get a new hairdo or makeover and just invest time in you. April is too long to wait. I'd give a week tops, then file. You can always halt the process, but you have to show that you mean business. Strong people are more attractive. Don't show any sign of weakness or beg him to choose you, as that doesn't help and only makes the cheating spouse feel like you can't manage on your own. Do you work? Is he the main earner? Would the financial split in a divorce hit hit worse? I'm not sure how old your child is, but if you divorced he'd obviously have to pay child support. Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Stupid me decided 2 weeks ago to have sex with H. That is when he was talking about us getting new house, and selling the one we have, he also was saying how he didn't understand how I would ever forgive him. I told him when I said my vows I meant them. He has done this several times to me. I've been doing no contact, emails, phone calls, imessage. Try not to talk about our relationship. He can't stand when I don't talk to him. He has also promised my S things and not followed through. Like calling him when he says he will. Of course my S could care less. He has always been a mamas boy. But still he should do things that he says he is going to. I told him when this first started that when another women comes into his life he would forget about S, he said never, I think I'm right. It's time for those D papers. April?!? WTH?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken1107 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 I do work full time and get paid well, but he makes 3 times more then I do. S just turned 6. I do have the paperwork to file D. I've been trying to GAL. Trust me I don't beg him to choose me, actually I don't even bring up ow. I know she is a part of this, but he is the one that made the decision not to work on our issues. Even though I found out about A around 3 weeks ago, I wanted to think rationally rather then jump into something I would later regret. I can't eat, sleep, I cry all the time, have horrible anxiety anytime I know he is coming to see S. I'm crying right now. During the weekends he is the H I know. Just when he comes around during the week I can tell he has been around her. Link to post Share on other sites
TashaTudor Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 FILE! The only way to take back your power. Make a mental decision to deal only regarding your son. Other than that its low contact or nc if at all possible. Don't talk to him so that you can upset him as much as possible. If he asks, say that you are anxious to get on with your new life. He'll soon figure out that it is a new life minus him. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 All great advice already posted, I agree. Take back your power. All but ignore your husband. Work on you, your happiness, take up a hobby (preferably one with eligible men attending as well, hehe! Start window shopping for a better model.) Show him what he's missing. You don't deserve to be treated like this, so don't let him treat you this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken1107 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 He does jerk me around a lot. I'm going to start redoing my living room, always wanted hardwood floors. So that will give me something to occupy my time. Don't really care to drive, when it's winter definitely hate it, but since my S and myself was in a pretty bad accident 3 months ago it is worse. When that happened I feel my H wouldn't have cared if I died that day. Pretty sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Even though I found out about A around 3 weeks ago, I wanted to think rationally rather then jump into something I would later regret. I can't eat, sleep, I cry all the time, have horrible anxiety anytime I know he is coming to see S. There's the conflict. Pretty hard to have rational thoughts when your life is turned upside by the last person you thought would do so. You're going to have to empower yourself by taking the first step. So let him choose - you, family, MC and the work necessary to put your relationship back together or her. In my eyes, ridiculous to let him be a cake eater until April, I'd give him 48 hours. You're owed a chance to make the same informed decisions about your future he's made about his... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken1107 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 Have a question for some of you that have been through this. If someone tells you that they love you but not in love with you, cheats, but tells you everytime he comes over how good you look, tells me that he wants to work on marriage, that he wants to move back in, then goes to work stops by to see S and it is like you don't even exist anymore. Then wash, rinse, and repeat. He has done this the last 3 months that he has been gone. Here lately he has been more like himself. Before I would respond to the attention, now I don't say anything. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 He's going to keep doing this until you don't allow it. It's not fair that he carries on this way. He earns more, so Don't and splitting assets will hit him hard. Don't slow this nonsense to carry on. He's playing with your emotions big time. Ask if he wants to reconcile. You can't keep hanging around and waiting on him. If the answer is yes, then set up MC, if he's not sure you give him 48 hours then serve him. You will continue to be in this limbo until you do something about it. People treat you how you allow them. Btw continue looking great, do he knows you ain't slacking without him and you are quite a catch. Both parties have to be in this. Keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 He is the one calling all the shots because you have been passive and haven't taken any action. He is simply manipulating you like a puppet on a string because you are letting him. You are accepting being treated this way through your own inaction. This whole giving him until April to decide is the craziest thing I have ever heard. You should have dropped the bomb on this whole thing the first moment you found out about the A. If you want to live a life of sanity, dignity and self-determination, you are going to have to take the bull by the horns and life your life for yourself and forge your own future. Do what is best for your own well being even though that may mean a life without him. Look up and institute "The 180" and follow it to the letter. Some people mistakenly believe that is a program to get somebody back. It is not. It is a means of taking back control or your own life and your own self-determination and not allowing yourself to be manipulated or waiting on someone else to determine your fate. It is basically you moving on with your life without him. He is a cheater and has abandoned you and is basically just jerking you around on a string. The 180 cuts that string and is a method for taking back control of your own life. The marriage and the life you used to know is dead, gone and buried. Even if this OW dumps him and he shows back up on your doorstep, your love, trust and affection for him will be gone and his respect for you is gone since you allowed him to treat you this way so it will just be a matter of time before someone else catches his eye and it will be a rinse and repeat. Treat this as a death. Mourn it, bury it, pick up the pieces and move on. I am sorry this has happened to you :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Have a question for some of you that have been through this. If someone tells you that they love you but not in love with you, cheats, but tells you everytime he comes over how good you look, tells me that he wants to work on marriage, that he wants to move back in, then goes to work stops by to see S and it is like you don't even exist anymore. Then wash, rinse, and repeat. He has done this the last 3 months that he has been gone. Here lately he has been more like himself. Before I would respond to the attention, now I don't say anything. Actions speak loudest. Personally, I'd take commitment over compliments. As has been posted many times here, why would you put up with this for the past 3 months ? And propose to do the same for 3 months more ? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken1107 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 Maybe it's because I'm hoping that he will wake up and relize what he is doing. He is already starting to show some signs of "waking from the fog". I don't know maybe I'm stupid. It's just hard to give up that many years for something that's not going to last. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Maybe it's because I'm hoping that he will wake up and realize what he is doing. Ironic that your posting focuses on him since it's you that needs to decide what you want to do. There should be less "what will he do" and more "what are my best choices here". I wasted two years with my ex after she cheated and spent the whole time looking over my shoulder, sleeping with one eye open, waiting for the other shoe to fall...you get the picture... Unless he's willing to do the hard work necessary to regain your trust - and most who cheat aren't - then chances are nil for successful recovery. And right now, since his head is hitting the pillow in someone else's bed, I'd say he's got a ways to go. Under those circumstances, a few kind words don't amount to much... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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