Broke no contact. Didn't go well.

[Kona123]

After a day of lurking, I've decided to make my own thread in hopes of getting some personalized advice. To begin, my ex and I were together for ~11 months until she broke it off a few days ago. To say the least I am completely torn apart, and for the last 3 days I haven't really eaten much as I feel I'm going to throw up all the time- even if I temporarily convince myself that things just weren't meant to be.

 

Before my ex left to college in a different city, I confronted her after hearing from a friend of hers that she didn't plan on staying in a relationship in college; but she never mentioned this to me. I thought the relationship would end, but after talking it through we agreed that we would try despite the distance and problems that come with it. That was 4 months ago, and since then I have made 4 trips down to see her, and she came back for breaks two times. ( she would have been coming back anyway, so she didn't make any dedicated trips just to see me.)

 

I can honestly say that I saw myself marrying this girl down the road, we had so much in common and it felt like we really completed each other. Whenever I made trips things were great, and she acknowledged my effort to drive 7 hours to see her for only a few days 1-2 times per month.

 

We never really argued, and when we did it was because I was being an ass and being paranoid about what she was doing; I would ultimately cool down and apologize, noting that I was being selfish and wasn't trusting her.

 

 

Now to the break up, about 4 nights ago I was up late pondering life as I usually do. I got the sudden desire to ask her how she felt about our relationship, and whether or not I could do anything to make it a better experience for her. I also asked if she was still committed to a LDR despite the temporary distance. I texted her this, as she had school the next morning and it was too late to call. I woke up to no text, so I snapchatted her and said what's up. After receiving no response for ~15 min ( unusual unless she's in class, which she wasn't) , I snapchatted her again and asked if she was okay. She opened and didn't respond, that's when I started getting nervous.

 

She hit me with a text that essentially said " It feels like it's not even a real relationship anymore with the long distance, I love you and care about you but I don't see it continuing in the future, at least at this point in time of our lives "

 

I said that I feared she would say that and I agreed that at times thing felt dull, but I reassured her that regardless of any negativity from the distance, everything faded away when I saw her in person. And that my thought since the beginning was that I would be willing to do anything to make it work ( I even suggested we move in together about 2 months after she was down there, but she told me she was definitely staying in her dorm for the first year. So I let it go in hopes that we would move in after summer break. Well, after a discussion during her recent trip home, she made it clear that we wouldn't be moving in together after summer, and that she had arranged plans to room with some friends, she also said her parents would not let us move in. This really crushed me, as I figured if she loved me and the only problem was distance, surely closing the distance would be the only rational solution, but I figured she was just scared and confused so I let it go). Anyway, her next response was " basically the situation sucks really bad, but I don't think those negative things should be ignored anymore. I don't think it can go on"

 

 

To which I said " I thought I would know what to say, but I'm honestly lost for words.

 

Are you saying there's nothing we can do to make this work?"

 

She said " You said it yourself, life is moving full force and I don't think ours match up right now."

 

I pushed, reassuring her that maybe she was just in a bad thought process, and that we can make it through these tough times if we truly love each other. I expressed my concern for how she was feeling and was seeking a better explanation, at least something I could work with and try to resolve, but she have me NOTHING.

 

Her response was " I thought I made sense in the previous text. I just really don't see it in the future as of now, and that makes carrying it on seem not right. I think we both put a lot of effort into making it work, and I appreciate everything you've done."

 

 

I said " Oh, okay. I get the picture now"

 

She said

 

" it really sucks..."

 

I didn't respond and 15 min later she hit me with " Let me know if you want to talk later"

 

 

I said " talk about what, you just said you didn't want to be with me? "

 

She said " don't make this harder than it already is."

 

 

I didn't talk plan on talking to her, but about 10 hours later I decided that we should talk, so I scheduled a phone call. On the phone she essentially said the same thing to me, not giving me details and keeping her emotional guard up. I basically poured my heart out and called her out for not realizing how much I did for her and was willing to do for her to make things work. She was mostly silent, and I ended it with a " I don't know if I'll talk to you again, uhm, goodbye, I love you", and I was full blown crying. She responded back, crying " I love you too."

 

 

 

I couldn't get over it and needed answers, so I scheduled coffee with her best friend the day after to talk about things. I really didn't get anything from the conversation, and she basically had a " I feel bad for you, but move on dude" attitude. To make it worse, I kept pressing for the friend to get info from my ex and pass it on to me. Obviously there's a huge bias there, and she's going to tell my ex everything I'm saying.

 

 

Here's where I went really wrong. I snapchatted my ex 1 day after the break up saying " hi", and said that I apologized If contacting her was weird. She said " a little bit. No harm done." And asked how the movie was I was watching ( I took pictures of the theater screen) , I said " good, it just started". And she said " well, enjoy the movie", and I got the memo there, so I didn't respond.

 

I've been on a total emotional roller coaster, ranging from " f**k her, I did more for her than she'll ever realize, she'll never find someone who treated her better than I did." To" she must have forgotten all of our amazing memories, now she's indifferent to me and we will never be together again, and she's probably having sex with other guys now ( totally not her character, we lost our virginity to each other)."

 

 

 

I've deleted everything relating to her from my life at this point. I was stupid enough to periodically check her Instagram, and she still has all of the pictures of us despite me deleting everything of her off of mine ( I know she has looked at mine).

 

 

 

I'm stuck with what to do at this point, from what I've read NC is the only option, but it's absolutely fu**ing terrifying to think that she is forgetting me as each minute passes. Please, help me figure out how to get her back. Because it seems she's dropping subtle hints that she doesn't really want this. Saying " as of right now" , and what not. I know her roommate had an influence on her, she was also in the same room while we talked on the phone. Her roommate would be one to convince her to play mind games with me as well.

 

 

 

sorry for the length, I just want you all to get an understanding of the situation.

 

 

P.S; Her friend said they would skype this weekend and she would pass the details to me, but after second thought I texted her and said " Hey ____, on second though, I don't want to hear what _____ has to say over skype, that's best kept between you two.

 

That you for meeting up with me, that was kind, but I will not be contacting you about this situation anymore."

 

Since then I've been NC. ( for 1 day technically, and I'm already struggling hard."

[Satu]

 

I'm stuck with what to do at this point, from what I've read NC is the only option, but it's absolutely fu**ing terrifying to think that she is forgetting me as each minute passes. Please, help me figure out how to get her back. Because it seems she's dropping subtle hints that she doesn't really want this. Saying " as of right now", and what not.

 

 

You can't do anything to get her back.

 

You have to accept that its over, because if someone says its over, it is.

 

I know thats really not want you want to hear, but the key to mental and emotional health is the acceptance of reality as it is in the moment.

 

Focus on yourself and your own feelings.

 

No contact.

[bigtrouble]

Its difficult to carry on an LDR, and some people just don't see the options there or if its gonna get anywhere.

 

I seen LDR and its mostly the person who is less emotionally invested tend to think and leave it.

 

I know you love this Girl more than anything, but nothing you can do right now.

 

Just give her space and go NC, don't beat yourself over it, eat well, I know you won't get much sleep the following days and its gonna be hell for you. We are all in this together, you are not alone.

[deorro]

Your situation is quite similar to mine.

 

Trust me, the only thing you can do is stick to NC. The first month with be the hardest thing you ever do. Once you get through it though (and you will) you will read this thread and know that contacting her would have only made things worse.

 

The only way to make sure she never takes you back, would be to contact her now.

 

Go out and do things that make you happy. What helped me heal was spending time with family and friends (people who no matter what will always love you), going to the gym, trying to become a better cook and changing my diet.

 

Also, is a relationship where you have to drive 7 hours to see someone once a month really worth it? She never came to see you. It hurts to hear but thats a ****ty deal man. Think about how awesome your life would be finding a girl who actually wants to make an effort to see you? Someone you can see weekly?

 

It sounds cliche but life is way too short

[Kona123]

You can't do anything to get her back.

 

You have to accept that its over, because if someone says its over, it is.

 

I know thats really not want you want to hear, but the key to mental and emotional health is the acceptance of reality as it is in the moment.

 

Focus on yourself and your own feelings.

 

No contact.

 

At this point I've accepted that it's probably over. I will NOT reach out to her, and still have pretty much erased anything about her from my life, but if she reaches out to me, I will talk with her ( appropriate to the context in which she's addressing me of course). The whole idea of blowing off a text as " bread crumbs" frankly seems childish to me. If two people are in love, one will reach out to the other whether they say it explicitly or not. The full blown NC rule seems more applicable to relationships that were filled with mind games to begin with. I do not want to trick her to coming back with me. If she does, cool. If not, life goes on. But I will not miss a chance to get my ex back because of a rule perpetuated by heartbroken forum goers ( no offense to anyone who advocates full blown NC, I just fail to see the logic behind it.)

[JonjMie]

At this point I've accepted that it's probably over. I will NOT reach out to her, and still have pretty much erased anything about her from my life, but if she reaches out to me, I will talk with her ( appropriate to the context in which she's addressing me of course). The whole idea of blowing off a text as " bread crumbs" frankly seems childish to me. If two people are in love, one will reach out to the other whether they say it explicitly or not. The full blown NC rule seems more applicable to relationships that were filled with mind games to begin with. I do not want to trick her to coming back with me. If she does, cool. If not, life goes on. But I will not miss a chance to get my ex back because of a rule perpetuated by heartbroken forum goers ( no offense to anyone who advocates full blown NC, I just fail to see the logic behind it.)

 

I don't think you have quite accepted things yet, or understood why NC works, ask yourself what good will breadcrumbs be ?

 

In my experience you will just delay the pain of the break up as you haven't accepted that and your clinging onto anything you can. Emotions will get the better of you and you'll be sending needy type texts and snapchats which will only make her disrespect you.

 

Face it, she's not coming back and responding to breadcrumbs won't get her back, she is appeasing her own guilt or playing games with you.

[Kona123]

Thanks for the replies everyone. Any more input from people?

[Kona123]

For some background info, here is the thread I started the day after my GF broke up with me:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/511423-gf-broke-up-me-3-days-ago-can-i-save-my-ldr

 

After day 2, I went no contact. Blocked her out of my life entirely ( deleted from contacts, unfollowed from social media, deleted public pics together, etc.), and sure enough: she didn't contact me.

 

I felt like I was doing well with the NC, even though it had been less than a week since I implemented it. I took a spontaneous trip across the US the day after she broke up with me. I'm enjoying my trip ( still here 2 more weeks) , but I can't help but realize much of my recent social media posts were posted in hopes that she would see them and reconsider ( I never made posts regarding the relationship. Just casual posts, but I had her seeing them in the back of my mind.)

 

Anyway, after a few days into vacation I texted her asking if she had a minute to talk. She asked what we were going to talk about it, and I basically said " Just say yes if you want to talk, and no if you want me to leave you alone". She said " okay, what's up?" And I said I would rather talk on the phone.

 

So we got on the phone and talked casually, very little came up about the relationship or what had happened. We mostly just asked the other was up to. She mentioned me being in ATL and admitted to browsing my social media. So I admitted to browsing hers and brought up how she didn't delete any of our pictures together. She said she didn't feel the need to. I wished her luck on her studies and the phone call came to an end.

 

The call was pretty much useless in terms of personal connection. It felt like I was talking to a stranger for the most part.

 

It's been a week since that incident, and I have yet to contact her. I even blocked her on all social media so she can't even view my stuff ( I feel like she shouldn't have the privilege of being able to look at what's going on in my life. It's not really a tactic per se). I can still view hers, but I've been resisting the urge to. Last I checked ( 3 days ago), she was just casually posting on her social media like nothing was wrong, which hurt. Granted, I was doing the same and felt completely torn up in reality, so perhaps she's hiding things in the way I am. ( probably not, but i say it to myself as a consolation, lol.)

 

 

At this point I've pretty much accepted that she doesn't want to be with me. But I still feel like I'm waiting for that text or phone call. I often play out what the conversation would be if she contacted me. I've told myself that a lot would have to change on her end if it were to work. Anyway, here I am, 1 week deep into NC and feeling okay. I can go about my daily activities, but still wake up with a pit in my stomach, and go to sleep thinking about her.

[lovebug_5858]

So I read your entire first post and this one, and I'll just be say what you already know. She isn't concerned with being with you.. at the end of the day if you love and care for someone you show it. She isn't showing you that, and you can show it to her all you want, it won't change much. If she is pushing you away so easily, I cant say I believe she cared as much for you as you did for her.

 

 

I don't know everything about your relationship so I cannot tell you what to do or not to do. But I was with my ex for about 4 years, we broke up, got back together, and it really isn't the same... and it wont be the same for you even if she does come back. I tried for so long and so hard, and it seems like you're trying as well but if they aren't giving you anything back then sometimes you just need to let it go.

 

You only hurt yourself by trying more. continue NC, you'll feel better.. not soon, but you will eventually. It sucks but you will get through it.

[lovebug_5858]

I'm only on Day 1 as well, after a hiccup, we'll all get through this. Keep a positive attitude, I know its hard now, and you'll go through phases and cycles until you finally cant even cry anymore and you have nothing left but to feel better.

[Kona123]

So I read your entire first post and this one, and I'll just be say what you already know. She isn't concerned with being with you.. at the end of the day if you love and care for someone you show it. She isn't showing you that, and you can show it to her all you want, it won't change much. If she is pushing you away so easily, I cant say I believe she cared as much for you as you did for her.

 

 

I don't know everything about your relationship so I cannot tell you what to do or not to do. But I was with my ex for about 4 years, we broke up, got back together, and it really isn't the same... and it wont be the same for you even if she does come back. I tried for so long and so hard, and it seems like you're trying as well but if they aren't giving you anything back then sometimes you just need to let it go.

 

You only hurt yourself by trying more. continue NC, you'll feel better.. not soon, but you will eventually. It sucks but you will get through it.

 

Thank you for taking the time to understand my situation, I really do appreciate it. I always tell myself " if she loved me, she wouldn't have done this to me".

 

I already knew the kind of answers I would get in response to this thread. But it still helps to actually hear them from other people instead of in my own head.

[lovebug_5858]

It always helps, that's why I've started posting about my 2nd NC. Experience. And you're right to think that way, in about two weeks you'll start thinking you're over it, then you'll realize you're not and relapse, but in a month you'll start feeling better, in two you'll barely ever think of her and in three you'll realize how ridiculous it was to be so sad over someone who didn't deserve you.. I didn't make it to 4, but if I hadn't have gone back id be on month 6 and thR sounds much much better than day 2.

This is just how things worked for me, it could be different for you.

[Kona123]

Bump! Any other advice?

[Nolan 93]

Hey man hang in there you were in a long distance relation right? Those can be hard man. But you are right if she loved you she wouldn't hurt you right?

 

My girl just left me back in november abruptly okay, it was a kick in the teeth. Cause she still had feelings for her ex and left after eleven months. So my heart was broken like that lol. But you know we get over it and move on with time. Its almost three months and Im getting a lot better. I chased and begged cause honestly this was my first love, Im 21 and always have been the guy to do FWB and never date.

 

So I love her, but we have to move on with life, she might come back later on in life we don't know. But we cant wait right? Cause If they loved us like they said they did we both wouldn't be here on LS hahah.

 

Now most-likely everyone has broken NC, about one month in I did okay. I wrote her an email around one am, just to let her know I was happy in the rs, I don't hate her, she controls her life and I do mine. Will we be friends later on most likely not, cause I could never do that. She replied back around two am the next day,writing me a whole essay, and I could tell she is very sorry for dragging me through a relationship like this. I was a wonderful, mature bf and treated her better than her ex did. She knows that and even wrote a paragraph on that.

 

So after I got that I was at peace cause she knows I did nothing wrong, and Im in full NC now. Like I said maybe we can try again down the road after all we bonded for almost a year, and I treated her how a girl should be treated in a relationship. But we both move on and see what life brings us, nothing is absolute my friend. It gets easier day by day, but there is not a day where I haven't thought of her.

 

Good luck man.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I am sorry it didn't work out, but honestly, your ex-girlfriend is a hell of a lot more mature than most people ending their first relationships. Go no contact for now and proceed with your life just as she is.

 

There is nothing wrong with your girlfriend. The "Grass Is Green Syndrome", if it exists (I'm not entirely convinced), refers to people who crave novelty and new experiences for their own sake. They are fearful of doing any one thing for too long. Your girlfriend ended it because it didn't feel like a real relationship anymore and she felt your lives were going in different directions. That's not GIGS; that's a perfectly legitimate reason to break up. When someone really wants to continue a relationship, they will move mountains. If someone doesn't want to do the work then you need to let them go for your own sake. There's no sense in trying to do all the work yourself.

 

I know you won't believe me, and it may not seem very helpful now, but five years from now you'll look back and feel like you're recalling a stranger's life. You are going to do so much growing and changing in the next few years you're going to be a completely different person. And you'll be grateful you didn't force a relationship that wasn't right.

[mightycpa]

I still feel like I'm waiting for that text or phone call. I often play out what the conversation would be if she contacted me.

 

I think that this is partly because you've missed the part where you say goodbye.

 

You're leaving this somewhat open ended, and you think NC is a game to get somebody back, but it isn't. It is a strategy to give yourself sufficient uninterrupted space and time to heal from your loss. It isn't about punishment, or making yourself missed, it is simply that you need to get used to the idea that life can be fun and fulfilling without her. That you don't actually need her to feel right.

 

If she texts or calls or skypes or FB's you every so often, you're going to experience a lot of setbacks, which will only make that take longer. Why put yourself through all of that? What do you want to do, hang around and watch her fall in love with somebody else?

 

Say goodbye. Close the book and move on. Contact her when you're not so emotional. It doesn't have to be forever, it just has to be until you are healed. Things will look a lot different when you talk to her after that. She'll be just another girl.

[Kona123]

Back again. I told myself I wasn't going to revisit the forums as I wanted to believe that I was over everything ( including even reading stuff about breakups). However, I'm not.

 

Here's what happened recently:

 

I was one week into NC ( for the second time) and I thought I was doing well. But here's the kicker, as some of you know I took a vacation to get things off my mind. Well, I found out a week ago that somebody snuck Into the gated community I live in and keyed the sh** out of my (nice) car. I was so infuriated and started thinking about who might have done it. Immediately my mind jumped to my exes friends ( in retrospect, none of them would do that, and it doesn't make sense anyway because I didn't do anything to her; she's the one who broke my heart).

 

So sure enough, I rationalized texting her and asking if she knew anyone who would key my car. Her response was " _____ ( my name) I have no idea."

 

I then said okay and apologize for contacting her, saying it was out of frustration. She said " I would be frustrated too". And that was the end of it.

 

 

Since then I haven't contacted her. However, I indirectly broke NC by keeping tabs on her social media. She's been sharing images of happy couples and it frustrates the f*** out of me. I don't get her. On top of that, she's been liking my sisters IG photos ( which she never did before, my sis brought it up to me.)

 

At this point, I'm forcing myself with every cell in my body to avoid looking at her Instagram. I was doing it to try to piece together how she was feeling; but it didn't work, and it won't. One look at my IG and someone would think I'm extremely happy; and I'm not even close. I suspect she's still checking my IG, as that's the kind of person she is.

 

Any motivation to stick with NC would be great, it's been a week since my last 'offense' and I want to tear my hair out.

[ZiggyZoo]

Just stick with it is all I can say. Resist the temptation to check her Instagram, and it'll get easier. I'd suggest setting yours to private, if you haven't already, that way she can't see yours either. It can get awfully tempting to post stuff with the thought that the ex will see it in mind, and that's breaking the spirit of NC. I used to log out of FB and check whatever my ex had on his page for public viewing, just to try to piece together what he might be up to, and it sucked. Every stupid profile picture change would remind me that he was out living his life without me just fine. AND, he never changed his relationship status to single, which caused sooooo much overthinking. I quit doing this, and the amount of time I spend thinking about him has way diminished.

 

It'll be hard though, at first. But think of this-how much is it going to hurt if you see pictures of her and a new guy? That's a very real possibility, if she starts dating again, and it is so much better to be a few months into your recovery if you happen to see something like that. Just hang in there, you can do this.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you are not in NC if you are following her on social media. You're getting a glimpse into her life. That's not NC. And you used any excuse to contact her. Do you honestly think that she organized to have your car keyed from where she's located?

 

 

Dude, you need to continue to make positive changes to your life. You took a trip before. Let me ask you this, did that give you time to decompress and re-energize? You might want to think of more trips. And getting back into school, and getting to the gym, and getting new hobbies, and join new clubs and meeting new people.

 

 

You got this, dude. COMPLETE NC!!

[Kona123]

Dude, you are not in NC if you are following her on social media. You're getting a glimpse into her life. That's not NC. And you used any excuse to contact her. Do you honestly think that she organized to have your car keyed from where she's located?

 

 

Dude, you need to continue to make positive changes to your life. You took a trip before. Let me ask you this, did that give you time to decompress and re-energize? You might want to think of more trips. And getting back into school, and getting to the gym, and getting new hobbies, and join new clubs and meeting new people.

 

 

You got this, dude. COMPLETE NC!!

 

I know, what I was doing was completely irrational. The trip definitely helped, there's just residual stuff going on still. I have a lot to do when I get back to my hometown, so I should be able to stay busy. My main hobby is bodybuilding, so I'm frequently in the gym anyway. I'm not sure what I would do without it, I would probably go crazy.

 

Thank you for the advice. I'm sticking to it this time. No checking social media, no texting, no talking to her friends, etc. I'll keep you guys updated. Chances are my next post will be regarding how I'm doing or that she contacted me. Time will tell, but I refuse to make another post about how I failed NC.

[Chi townD]

I know, what I was doing was completely irrational. The trip definitely helped, there's just residual stuff going on still. I have a lot to do when I get back to my hometown, so I should be able to stay busy. My main hobby is bodybuilding, so I'm frequently in the gym anyway. I'm not sure what I would do without it, I would probably go crazy.

 

Thank you for the advice. I'm sticking to it this time. No checking social media, no texting, no talking to her friends, etc. I'll keep you guys updated. Chances are my next post will be regarding how I'm doing or that she contacted me. Time will tell, but I refuse to make another post about how I failed NC.

 

 

Well, don't just post if you slip up or fail. We REALLY LOVE reading about success stories too!

[Elle1975]

Well, you stick to no contact because it is over, and there is no point in keeping something alive in your head (heart), that isn't part of your life anymore.

 

Keeping tabs on her and her social medias is just keeping the wound well salted.

 

I personally think that she is experiencing college right now, and that she is simply not ready (dedicated enough?) to be with you.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your car.. could be some random jerk.. ask if they have a camera facing the parking lot.

[Kona123]

Well, you stick to no contact because it is over, and there is no point in keeping something alive in your head (heart), that isn't part of your life anymore.

 

Keeping tabs on her and her social medias is just keeping the wound well salted.

 

I personally think that she is experiencing college right now, and that she is simply not ready (dedicated enough?) to be with you.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your car.. could be some random jerk.. ask if they have a camera facing the parking lot.

 

I agree to all of what you've said. She clearly had one foot out the door months before it was actually over ( e.g; her saying that she wasn't planning on staying in a relationship in college before she left and me convincing her that we should stay together). And when she explicitly told me that she was planning on breaking up with me before Christmas. But she was too much of a fu**ing coward to bring it up and save me from spending a bunch of money on presents. She's just extremely indecisive, and she always has been.

 

 

Unfortunately it was at my house, and no one around the house has cameras.

[Kona123]

Well, don't just post if you slip up or fail. We REALLY LOVE reading about success stories too!

 

Will do! Other than helping myself, I'm really hoping that someone else can benefit from this.

[PearTree]

Why not try doing something totally wild and out of your comfort zone? Join a pole dancing class or a pottery class or something! There'll be loads of girls there that you can make friends with (not with thoughts of dating them, but just to remind yourself that other girls exist and are nice). It will give you something else to think about, it will reset your brain a bit and it might be the start of a fun new hobby! Plus you'll be proud of yourself for doing something different.