Broke no contact. Didn't go well.

[Kona123]

Update:

 

Went out to coffee with a separate friend of hers. My intentions weren't to hook up with her or even necessarily talk about what happened. I just wanted to rekindle old friendships. Well, the entire meet up turned into talking about what happened. And after it was done, the friend texted my ex and forwarded all of the messages to me. My ex basically said the same thing she said to me, and after the friend asked if she was going to contact me, my ex said she didn't see what good it would do, and said I was acting weird by blocking/unblocking her on social media and 'implying' that she had something to do with messing up my car. She also said things like " all is well" and she saw no future for us. This messed me up had for a day or two, and in retrospect the whole meet up was a bad idea

 

Now, fast forward to late last night. My sister sends me a screen cap of her Instagram news feed where it says my ex started following me. I didn't notice as I was logged into a different account. The funny thing is, my account is public, so she could go stalk all the pictures she wants without following me. But she did.

 

I suspect this is her subliminal way of trying to contact me, as she's always been like that. I keep playing out scenarios in my head of what I'll say if she contacts me, or whether I'll even respond.

 

I've considered just saying " You've made it very, very clear that you don't want to be together. So why are you contacting me."

 

And then the other part of me says to just ignore her. I'm sort of stuck here, I don't want to ruin any chances of reconciliation, but I also don't want her to think I'm always going to be around when she feels like coming back into the picture.

 

I figured I would post here instead of being stuck in perpetual thought.

[jus d'orange]

Sorry about the story with the meetup with the old friend, but keep in mind that if you're meeting up with people close to your ex, that's running a definite risk of exposing yourself to hearing about her and therefore placing your focus on what she's up to. Try connecting with friends with whom there is no such conflict. It's not about "teams" or "sides," it's just about doing what's right and healthy for you at this point.

 

If she contacts you, you could very well say "you've made it very clear you don't want to be together and therefore I don't want to be in contact," or you could ignore her. Truth is, if she's truly interested in a proper reconciliation, you don't need to worry about spoiling a chance of that through NC. If that's what she wants, she'll let you know loud and clear.

 

Stick with it and try to take my advice about the friends.

[Chi townD]

Update:

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've considered just saying " You've made it very, very clear that you don't want to be together. So why are you contacting me."

 

And then the other part of me says to just ignore her. I'm sort of stuck here, I don't want to ruin any chances of reconciliation, but I also don't want her to think I'm always going to be around when she feels like coming back into the picture.

 

I figured I would post here instead of being stuck in perpetual thought.

 

 

No, no, no, nope, uh uh....no...You are in NC. DO NOT CONTACT HER AT ALL! If she wants to poke around, that's her business, but you don't acknowledge her!

[quattrob]

TC, im going to be blunt with you but you keep doing things that makes you take steps back. You still have this hope that she'll take you back and be with you again. You long for her attention even as little as a simple text. Dude you really need to stop doing the things you are doing.

 

Hanging out with a mutual friend of hers is fine but if the topic about your ex pops you need to tell this person that you dont want to hear it. What do you expect to find out from her friend? That she wants to take you back? Buddy if she wanted you back, it'll be as obvious as day and night. By discussing and talking about your ex with her friend all it does is add more disappointment, hate and hurt.

 

Her reasons, feelings and way of thinking that lead to the breakup doesnt matter, not anymore. All you need to know is she doesnt want to be with you, and no matter how much you do or say, you cant change that.

 

Only she can change herself. Here's my last advice if you want to have the best shot of her crawling back to you, you need to move on and be even better than you are right now. If you were good to her you dont need to TELL her the things you did, she will know when she has time alone away from you to think about it. And stop finding excuses to contact or look at her social media. When you make a decision dont all of a sudden get stuck in the gray area, its either black or white.

 

Sorry if i sounded harsh but reading all your posts it doesnt seem like you are honest with yourself and that you havent made any or much progress. You can make it seem that way to us but you know deep down what the truth is.

 

My 2c. Just trying to help

[darkbloom]

Each time you check her social media, you are asking to be stabbed with a rusty knife in the heart. Why? Because NOTHING you see will make you feel better. Not a single thing she is doing. Why? Because it's not with you or about you. And social media is a great illusion. No one is going to be posting miserable things about themselves. It's going to be the glossy cover art of what is going on in their life.

 

Invest that time and energy into your own life. No contact literally means no talking, texting, Facebook stalking, smoke signals, ESP signals, psychic communications, voodoo dolls, etc.

 

Don't keep yourself stuck in the past.

[Kona123]

Sorry about the story with the meetup with the old friend, but keep in mind that if you're meeting up with people close to your ex, that's running a definite risk of exposing yourself to hearing about her and therefore placing your focus on what she's up to. Try connecting with friends with whom there is no such conflict. It's not about "teams" or "sides," it's just about doing what's right and healthy for you at this point.

 

If she contacts you, you could very well say "you've made it very clear you don't want to be together and therefore I don't want to be in contact," or you could ignore her. Truth is, if she's truly interested in a proper reconciliation, you don't need to worry about spoiling a chance of that through NC. If that's what she wants, she'll let you know loud and clear.

 

Stick with it and try to take my advice about the friends.

 

Definitely a bad idea to meet up and talk about it. At this point if anyone brings it up to discuss I will shoot it down. Even if I feel okay talking about it, I inevitably get thrown back on to an emotional roller coaster afterward. And I agree that she will make it very clear if she wants to get back with me. So what I'll likely do is just ignore her when she contacts me, unless it is very clearly more than breadcrumbs and trivial conversation.

[Kona123]

TC, im going to be blunt with you but you keep doing things that makes you take steps back. You still have this hope that she'll take you back and be with you again. You long for her attention even as little as a simple text. Dude you really need to stop doing the things you are doing.

 

Hanging out with a mutual friend of hers is fine but if the topic about your ex pops you need to tell this person that you dont want to hear it. What do you expect to find out from her friend? That she wants to take you back? Buddy if she wanted you back, it'll be as obvious as day and night. By discussing and talking about your ex with her friend all it does is add more disappointment, hate and hurt.

 

Her reasons, feelings and way of thinking that lead to the breakup doesnt matter, not anymore. All you need to know is she doesnt want to be with you, and no matter how much you do or say, you cant change that.

 

Only she can change herself. Here's my last advice if you want to have the best shot of her crawling back to you, you need to move on and be even better than you are right now. If you were good to her you dont need to TELL her the things you did, she will know when she has time alone away from you to think about it. And stop finding excuses to contact or look at her social media. When you make a decision dont all of a sudden get stuck in the gray area, its either black or white.

 

Sorry if i sounded harsh but reading all your posts it doesnt seem like you are honest with yourself and that you havent made any or much progress. You can make it seem that way to us but you know deep down what the truth is.

 

My 2c. Just trying to help

 

Thank you for this. All of it.

[Kona123]

Each time you check her social media, you are asking to be stabbed with a rusty knife in the heart. Why? Because NOTHING you see will make you feel better. Not a single thing she is doing. Why? Because it's not with you or about you. And social media is a great illusion. No one is going to be posting miserable things about themselves. It's going to be the glossy cover art of what is going on in their life.

 

Invest that time and energy into your own life. No contact literally means no talking, texting, Facebook stalking, smoke signals, ESP signals, psychic communications, voodoo dolls, etc.

 

Don't keep yourself stuck in the past.

 

I'm out of that phase. I only mentioned that she started following me on Instagram again. I'm not keeping tabs on her posts or following her.

[lumberjac]

Hey Kona, your situation is very very similar to mines, which happened a month ago. I know how horrible youre feeling right now and I am going to tell you something you don't want to hear, but will help you in the long run.

 

You have to accept that she has made up her mind and the relationship has ended. Whatever you do or say right now won't help at all, not even a tiny bit. It will actually push her further away.

 

Give her some time, give youself some time. The first couple weeks is the hardest but you will get through it. Cry as much as you want, it's ok to be sad since your heart is broken. I found it really helpful to talk to lots of people, people who you trust, tell them what's on your mind, keep talking.

 

Stay away from social media, trust me, you don't what to see her carrying on with her life like nothing happened. you might not want to delete her, thats understandable. but at least unfollow her on facebook, instagram, twitter etc.

 

I still love my ex, I still think she's the best and the most perfect girl in the world. but I know I can't just sit and wait for her, I need to make a move on. you never know what's going to happen in the future.

[darkbloom]

I'm out of that phase. I only mentioned that she started following me on Instagram again. I'm not keeping tabs on her posts or following her.

 

Go to her instagram and block her so that she is no longer following you. Then make your posts private. If you know she's looking at your instagram feed, it's going to influence what you post on there. Which is giving HER the power.

[darkbloom]

Go to her instagram and block her so that she is no longer following you. Then make your posts private. If you know she's looking at your instagram feed, it's going to influence what you post on there. Which is giving HER the power.

 

She is able to see all of the photos you like and the comments you make. She should have no way to keep tabs on you.

[Kona123]

Made a move last night that didn't sit well with me. Idk If it was the right decision.

 

Anyway, when she followed me on IG I feel like I had got to her, and that she was trying to get my attention. Because as I said earlier, she could have simply looked at my images without following me, but she followed me. I felt like this was the part where she starts coming back.

 

Fast forward a couple days and here's what has really happened; I have checked numerous times if she's still following me, and inevitably I would go check her profile when I saw her name under my followers still. She hasn't posted anything new but the fact that I kept checking it and couldn't help myself was bothering me.

 

So last night I made the decision to block her on IG, only after actually writing down the pros and cons to her following me. My intuition was that she was doing it to subliminally communicate with me, but last night I got the sense that she may just be doing it to keep tabs on me easier. And the fact that she was making it easier for me to check her profile was ruining the process of getting over everything. Plus, if she were to start liking my photos, it would really bother me. So in a sense I felt like she started having the " upper hand".

 

 

I'm wondering at this point if the block is going to just entirely push her away, which I could accept at this point. Or if it's going to do something in the other direction. In any case, it put a pit in my stomach.

[Kona123]

Bumping in hopes of a response.

[Darrk23]

Made a move last night that didn't sit well with me. Idk If it was the right decision.

 

Anyway, when she followed me on IG I feel like I had got to her, and that she was trying to get my attention. Because as I said earlier, she could have simply looked at my images without following me, but she followed me. I felt like this was the part where she starts coming back.

 

Fast forward a couple days and here's what has really happened; I have checked numerous times if she's still following me, and inevitably I would go check her profile when I saw her name under my followers still. She hasn't posted anything new but the fact that I kept checking it and couldn't help myself was bothering me.

 

So last night I made the decision to block her on IG, only after actually writing down the pros and cons to her following me. My intuition was that she was doing it to subliminally communicate with me, but last night I got the sense that she may just be doing it to keep tabs on me easier. And the fact that she was making it easier for me to check her profile was ruining the process of getting over everything. Plus, if she were to start liking my photos, it would really bother me. So in a sense I felt like she started having the " upper hand".

 

 

I'm wondering at this point if the block is going to just entirely push her away, which I could accept at this point. Or if it's going to do something in the other direction. In any case, it put a pit in my stomach.

 

If she hasn't made contact by now then chances are she won't ever. You have to remind yourself that you made a choice to save whats left of your mind and hold onto that. Keep the NC and focus on other things going on in your life. Good luck to you.

[quattrob]

Made a move last night that didn't sit well with me. Idk If it was the right decision.

 

Anyway, when she followed me on IG I feel like I had got to her, and that she was trying to get my attention. Because as I said earlier, she could have simply looked at my images without following me, but she followed me. I felt like this was the part where she starts coming back.

 

Fast forward a couple days and here's what has really happened; I have checked numerous times if she's still following me, and inevitably I would go check her profile when I saw her name under my followers still. She hasn't posted anything new but the fact that I kept checking it and couldn't help myself was bothering me.

 

So last night I made the decision to block her on IG, only after actually writing down the pros and cons to her following me. My intuition was that she was doing it to subliminally communicate with me, but last night I got the sense that she may just be doing it to keep tabs on me easier. And the fact that she was making it easier for me to check her profile was ruining the process of getting over everything. Plus, if she were to start liking my photos, it would really bother me. So in a sense I felt like she started having the " upper hand".

 

 

I'm wondering at this point if the block is going to just entirely push her away, which I could accept at this point. Or if it's going to do something in the other direction. In any case, it put a pit in my stomach.

 

I think you don't need to consider her feelings or think about what she's going to do anymore at this point. Right now you should only put your own feelings and thoughts at first priority. She's not top priority anymore.

 

You need to stop thinking about what your actions will do to her. You need to learn to let go, I know you still care about her and want to get her back but you are being weak if everytime you do something that involves her, you have to think about her. Stop that.

 

Don't worry about her anymore, you're doing this FOR YOURSELF because you NEED to. Bottom line is she doesn't want to be with you.. at least not right now. And I can tell you if you keep thinking about the consequences of your actions, you will never get her back. Be decisive and stop trying to think about what her reactions will be from your actions.

[lumberjac]

I doubt a simple block on instagram would have effect on the whole situtaion or change the way she think about you. Focus on yourself, stop the over-thinking, and save the energy to do something you'll enjoy.

[CrystalShine2011]

It'll be okay. Go back to the no contact!

[darkbloom]

Blocking her on IG is 100% the right thing to do for you. Like I said before, her following you was making you obsess about her. Make your posts private so that way you know that everything you post is not influenced by her. If she was going to reach out, she would do it in a more direct way than following you on insta.

 

Get your head right and focus on your own healing.

[Kona123]

Here to say I messed up. I was feeling overly apologetic and accepting of the breakup so I unfollowed her and browsed her IG a bit. Even liked a picture. I was so embarrassed about this that I didn't even want to mention it, but it's part of the journey.

 

 

Current situation:

 

- Unblocked her and made my IG private so she can't see any of it ( I blocked all of her close friends as well )

 

- About 17 days into NC. I'm talking only about actually speaking with her. I've clearly caved on checking her social media.

 

- Avoiding her social media at all costs. Regardless of my mood.

[Purepony]

Here's my predictions and sorry if it sounds harsh but here's from my experience

 

1. They think it over and over to close themselves on the break up, she probably waited after the holidays to avoid the drama just like mine did

 

2. She left to school so she got detached, new town new city mew opportunity

 

3. Your still there

 

4. She made her decision and acted on it but she probably wants to focus on school and make sure you are still there in case she made a bad decision so she's checking up on you to see if you move on because what she really wants to know is if your seeing Antone else so she can have a real reason to say I'm glad I left him, she needs her own validation. Women think they own you after a break up

 

5. I think there's also a possibility she's interested in someone else but you need to be ready for that and the only way is NC

 

6. She could regret her decision but you will have to wait until she's ready again go NC!

 

Sorry for the typos I hate typing on mt phone

[Kona123]

Check in. It's been a month since the last incident. Since then, there still hasn't been any contact. I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it many times throughout the day. But it doesn't consume me like it did before.

 

I still check her IG, which is dumb of me. But it doesn't hurt like it used to. I'm sure this habit will fade away like the others that have thankfully been left in the past.

 

Anyway, I know that she is in town for spring break, so I'm guessing if she's going to reach out at all; within the next week would be when she does. I'm not banking on it at all, as it likely wouldn't change anything. But again, I would be lying if I said I haven't been playing scenarios out in my head.

 

It's a tough battle everyone, but it does get better, I promise. It's been about 9-10 weeks since the break up and 6 weeks since we last spoke. As bad as it sounds, when I really feel like contacting her, one thing that seems to help is pretending in my head like it's a willpower game, and that I'm losing if I contact her. And that it shows I have no willpower. As weird as that may sound, it has helped.

[Kona123]

Never in a million years did I think I would be back here. But I am, 3 months later.

 

If you need context, simply scroll back and read my background story. Since I last posted, I struggled with NC badly. To the point where I was still blocking/unblocking her on social media. (I even had a conversation with her about this ~2 months ago.)

 

Anyway, she came back from college for the summer. I was not contacting her, and did well for about a month, but could not stop thinking about her every single day. I even drove by her house once (for no apparent reason.) it was bad. Yesterday I was driving home from a friends and was very hungry/thirsty, so I decided to swing by the cafe she works at. Long story short, she wasn't there. However, after I left I texted her about how the one time I go to her work they don't have a specific food item in stock. She texted back, we had casual convo. Eventually I asked her if "it would be weird if we caught up over lunch." She said she was down, so we figured out a place/time for the next day.

 

 

Well, that day was today. I went into the lunch extremely confident. I did not bring up the relationship at all, I talked about how good things are going (Which they are, she asked lots of questions.) but I made sure not to tell her everything that's been going on in my life. I could tell she was extremely nervous for the first half hour. She was stumbling over words, fiddling with things in her hands, and just overall seemed nervous. The lunch went extremely well, in my opinion. She even accidentally spilled the beans about keeping tabs on me. So I know she cares. Anyway, I dropped her off and we said our goodbyes (just verbal as we were in the car and hugging would have been extremely inconvenient.)

 

 

Now the problem. I have no.effing.clue. what I should do now. I would be lying if I said I didn't want her back (although circumstances would need to change.) and this lunch just reinforced it for me. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, because in my mind; if I contact her too soon or in the wrong way I will come off as needy/desperate/insert whatever else you can think of. And if I DON'T contact her, I could be shooting myself in the foot and possibly ruining a chance of getting back together.

 

 

I know you're probably thinking "if she wants you she'll let you know." Well, here's the thing: she was NEVER that way. She had the biggest crush on me for years before we dated and never said a damn word to me. In the relationship, she was the same way in regard to initiating contact. And post break up, I initiated contact every single time in some way. So I'm not sure if just "waiting it out." Is going to do anything but ruin my chances.

 

Hopefully someone can see the mental tug of war I'm in right now and offer some advice. I could really use it. Also, her birthday is in 2 days.

 

I see two main options:

 

1.) Wait it out, do not say a word unless she contacts me. And if she doesn't, then move on.

 

2.) Go NC until her Birthday, tell her happy birthday and then set up another meeting (probably a more personal one, at her house.), and go from there.

[mightycpa]

Because you are no doubt hell-bent on recognizing her birthday and will ignore all good advice to not acknowledge it in any way, shape or form ever,

 

amirite?

then I would say that you should let her birthday pass, and send her birthday wishes the next day. not belated wishes either, just "Happy Birthday"

 

trust me, she'll get back to you

[Kona123]

Because you are no doubt hell-bent on recognizing her birthday and will ignore all good advice to not acknowledge it in any way, shape or form ever,

 

then I would say that you should let her birthday pass, and send her birthday wishes the next day. not belated wishes either, just "Happy Birthday"

 

trust me, she'll get back to you

 

Do you think not acknowledging her birthday is a better option? She straight up told me today "My birthday is in 2 days!" Does that make ignoring it that much more powerful?

[quattrob]

I think you're over-analyzing too much. You sound really desperate and that is not going to help you get another chance to be with her. You need to think simple and not overthink every move that you should or shouldn't do. Because the truth is what you do or don't do won't make or break you in terms of having a chance with her again.

 

But being overly desperate and worrying about every move would definitely kill any chances you have/had. People can feel this. If you want to send her a happy birthday then go ahead, it's as simple as that, don't overthink such small actions as meaning you're desperate or care too much what she would do/think. You're a man, you need to stop questioning your decisions (these small choices) and just do it or don't do it without caring about the outcome. Because i can guarantee you the more you overthink about these simple things, the worse and desperate you're going to be.