BF doesn't celebrate my success/ puts me down often

[kitkat75]

I've been with my bf for about a year and a half now. Over the course of our relationship, we've both experienced success with a job promotion (for him) and new job (for me).

 

Something that has been bothering me about him is that he never celebrates my success. I'm a writer. The first time I got my story published in the local newspaper, he didn't even acknowledge it. It was a rather personal story that stemmed from my childhood and I was very proud of it. I even had complete strangers emailing me telling me how much they lovedmy story - and my bf, the man who says he loves me, couldn't even bother to buy a 50 cent copy of the newspaper after I had asked him to (in a show of support). That was the first sign that showed me something wasn't quite right. It was 5 months into the relationship at the time - and that was an incident that til this day, still hurts me.

 

For the past few weeks, I've been working on a big story. I even got the local news to come out and do an exclusive on it. I was really excited and on the day they filmed, I called my boyfriend to tell him the good news. I was barely 20 words into my story before he cut me off and snarkily replied, "Wow, someone thinks they're important now..." And that was it. I shut off and no longer cared to share my exciting news. It's not like I brag or gloat to him about the great things that happen to me. In fact, I very rarely share that kind of news with him.

 

This is how our relationship goes. It's gotten to the point that I no longer care to tell him anything about myself. Whenever I talk about myself (my feelings, my day, my family, anything...) he won't even say anything in return. He offers no advice or feedback. Just silence. When I ask if he even heard me, he laughs and says yes, but he just pretends not to listen. Why - what is the point of that exactly? To emotionally abuse me even more?

 

A couple of days ago, we attended a gala to celebrate the story. All night, co-workers and my bosses came up to us and told HIM what a great job I've been doing in my new job, how valued I am, etc. Of course, he soaked it all in and played the part of supportive, loving boyfriend.

 

When the event was over, as we drove him, I sarcastically said, "I guess I am important," to which he said nothing. He didn't encourage me or tell me something as simple as 'good job'. Instead I was met with silence. When I mentioned that a colleague told me that she had told my boss how easy I was to work with, he laughed and said it's because I'm a pushover. It couldn't possibly be because I have great work ethic or professionalism. No, it can only be because I'm pushover. In the span of that 20 min drive home, he told me 3 different times I was stupid. This, after 3 hours of hearing others tell me how "talented" I am. This has been a reoccurring theme with him. We'd attend one of my work related events and at the end, he will try to put me down. My highs quickly become lows.

 

He is very successful in his own right, and yet he seems so damn threatened by MY success. I feel like I have no one to confide in about him. In front of others, he is so damn charming. But I see another side of him that is petty, ugly and full of insecurity. He never compliments me or praises me. In fact, I feel like I can never do anything right in his eyes. To feel like everything you say or do is wrong or stupid, by someone you love, is the most demoralizing feeling.

 

I suppose I don't need advice on what I should do. My heart already knows. It seems I have more reasons to cry these days than smile. I'm falling out of love with a man that doesn't support me. I just want to know, what is wrong with HIM? Can anyone pinpoint what his problem is exactly? I just don't get how a grown a*s man can behave so much like a child. I hear him praise others all the time, so the fact that he refuses to praise me speaks volumes on how he views me. It's painful and I just needed a place to vent. Thank you for taking the time to read - and offer any opinions/shared experiences, if any.

Edited February 1, 2015 by kitkat75

[Els]

OP, all this just sounds completely awful. What a ridiculously insecure *******. Nobody who loves their partner would ever put them down like that just to try and blow up their own ego, IMO.

 

You can do better than someone who tries to snarkily put down all your successes. You just have to leave, first.

[Radu]

It stems from massive insecurity and it can't be fixed by you [only by him and if he truly desperately needs it].

 

Basically everytime you get a pat on the back he interprets it deep down as a strike against him because you are with him and he compares himself with you.

The more you go up the more abusive he will be.

If he can't put you down in full he will dump you to protect himself.

 

He acts supportive in public because he knows better than not to do that.

 

What i suspect ...

He is good at what he does but if he works with others who do the same job he will act the same way towards them.

He is most likely a wizz at office politics and a great manipulator.

Most ppl tell you what a great guy he is.

He's got a massive desire to have control over everything deep down.

 

There is no way to fix this ... i doubt he will ever beat you but this kind of person will always never change and may even come to see his own kids as a threat [it's one of the things that cause the golden child/rotten child dynamic].

[Lernaean_Hydra]

]I just want to know' date=' what is wrong with HIM? Can anyone pinpoint what his problem is exactly? [/b']I just don't get how a grown a*s man can behave so much like a child. I hear him praise others all the time, so the fact that he refuses to praise me speaks volumes on how he views me. It's painful and I just needed a place to vent. Thank you for taking the time to read - and offer any opinions/shared experiences, if any.

 

 

Of course none of us here can say for certain but we can certainly hazard a guess.

 

In my opinion, it sounds like he feels threatened by your success and has low self-esteem. It doesn't matter how successful he is, the brighter your star shines, the dimmer his seems (in his mind). Your success is a direct threat to his self-esteem. Every time you reach a new milestone or experience an increase in "status", he gets a painful reminder of his own shortcomings and inadequacies. Again, all this is irrespective of his actual personal success. Everything you are and all that you do simply reminds him of everything he's not.

 

On top of that, a lot of this may be due to some secret fear that the better you do, the better you'll start to think you can do, in all areas of life. Including dating and choice of mates. The fear that you will one day feel like you're "too good" for him is likely very real.

 

Unfortunately, a lot of insecure people will try to downplay a partner's successes or good qualities in an attempt to manipulate them and create a false - or perhaps reversed - dynamic in the relationship. The goal, of course, is that you start to question yourself and your accomplishments and wonder if they're all that great after all since the person you love most in the world seems so very unimpressed. Like they want to keep giving you a (not so) subtle nudge that essentially says, "Now don't go thinking you're hot stuff all of a sudden because I'm still better than you are, remember?" It's toxic.

 

Many emotionally abusive people do this. If the partner of an emotionally abusive person can be made to feel as if they or their accomplishments are "nothing special", they will probably be less likely to leave the relationship because they believe the abusive partner is ~the best~ they can do. Plus it's a very easy way to distract them from seeing the abusive partner's various flaws. If you're so consumed with wondering "What is wrong with me" or "why doesn't he think I'm special" or "Am I deluding myself into thinking I've done something worthy of praise after all?" you'll have little time to consider the areas in which he himself may be lacking.

 

OP I'm not telling you to dump him as that's up for you to ultimately decide, but be warned: these types of people will suck your soul. They will bleed you dry of every ounce of pride and happiness until you are as miserable as they are.

 

It doesn't sound like you've confronted him about this so that needs to be your next step. Open your mouth and speak. Sit him down for a no-nonsense discussion about everything you're feeling and what you've observed. He will probably deny it, try to twist your words or gaslight but don't let him even get that far. You know what you've experienced on his end. Be frank, be direct and more importantly, don't leave him wiggle room to try to explain away behavior best reserved for middle school hallways and jealous teenage girls.

 

Tell him something like: "Every time something good happens to me you go and s*t all over it or try to make me feel bad about it and frankly, I'm sick of it. You are my partner, if no one else on EARTH was proud of me, you should be. I don't know what your problem is but if you can't find it in your heart to celebrate my accomplishments and share my pride, trust me I will find someone else who will."

[yajiuma]

I still struggle with feelings if inadequacy and insecurity because of my upbringing- no words of encouragement/praise for personal achievements just sarcastic putdowns, accusations of "pride-fulness" etc . I stopped "sharing my little victories" with the family because their reaction made me feel sh****ty and really lonely.

 

I couldn't choose my family but I did choose my husband and he is absolutely supportive and encouraging (as I am of his endeavors) and I am so grateful for his positive presence in my life. I'd say love, support and encouraging each other is a pretty basic requirement for most people in a partnership.

 

Why would you choose to stay with someone who belittles and makes you feel sh****ty and definitely not "worthy" . If it's important to you he should at least make an effort to support you.

[GemmaUK]

I've just finished reading a book that will decipher all of this for you perfectly.

 

 

'Toads and the Women Who Kiss Them' by Alexandra Nouri.

 

 

It's not that your success is a threat to him. He just doesn't care about your success.

It's of no benefit to him.

 

 

I suspect much of this relationship is about him and what makes him happy.

It's not healthy and you deserve someone who is proud of you and your achievements.

 

 

By the way, well done you!!

I don't even know you but it sounds like you are doing a great job, are well respected and getting published is a great achievement!

My brother is a teacher and is taking a year off as he has been asked to write a book. I am so very proud of him.

[Arieswoman]

kitkat75,

Radu nails it here;

 

It stems from massive insecurity and it can't be fixed by you [only by him and if he truly desperately needs it].

 

also LearneanHydra gives more insight here;

 

In my opinion, it sounds like he feels threatened by your success and has low self-esteem. It doesn't matter how successful he is, the brighter your star shines, the dimmer his seems (in his mind). Your success is a direct threat to his self-esteem. Every time you reach a new milestone or experience an increase in "status", he gets a painful reminder of his own shortcomings and inadequacies. Again, all this is irrespective of his actual personal success. Everything you are and all that you do simply reminds him of everything he's not.

 

I don't believe there is anything that you can do about this - it's his problem and only he can address it. You do need to tell him how it makes you feel and ask him if he is willing to change. I suspect that he won't want to do this.

 

My ex-husband was similar in temperament, he never got enthusiastic about anything, but I put that down to his reserved character. The put-downs started when he initiated (unbeknown to me) an affair with an employee who packed boxes on the factory floor.

 

Looking back I believe he was jealous of me/what I was/what I stood for and therefore picked an affair partner who was a thick as a brick. He didn't want a woman who would intellectually challenge him.

 

I think the only answer is to leave the relationship before he drags you down - I'm sorry x

[d0nnivain]

He sounds like a lousy BF

 

 

Does it really matter why he can't be more supportive? If you have told him calmly in a straightforward manner that his withholding nature upsets you & feels mean AND he has not tried to change, he probably never will.

[bathtub-row]

This is just another case of a smart, bright woman getting involved with an ass of a man, and not walking away when she knows there's no other solution. You're not alone on this one.

 

He acts that way because he wants you to be completely isolated, unemployed, desolate, and dependent on him. Any success on your part means that you're more likely to have options and more likely to leave him -- because he knows anyone in their right mind wouldn't stay with him unless they had no other choice. This is because he has a very twisted idea of what love is. As I say about all abusers, he is 100% broken, 100% unfixable.

 

Please do not waste another day of your precious life with this guy, and please don't buy into his "I'll change" routine. He will only change for as long as it takes to suck you back in. These are very, very twisted people and you'd do yourself a huge favor by merely ending it without any reasons except to say that you no longer want to be with him. Anything else will be a reason for him to argue with you, or negotiate.

 

If you really need to understand his dark mind, I recommend this book - it's the best one out there on this topic: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.

[bathtub-row]

Btw, any time a man tells you you're stupid, you would be better off to end things with him right then. Please do not ever tolerate being called names like this. That alone speaks volumes about the kind of guy he is.

[central]

A very dear friend experienced pretty much the identical situation, OP. Her bf did not celebrate her successes - did not even raise his glass when we congratulated her. He seems ashamed of her lack of higher education, even though she is very bright, articulate, and motivated. About the nicest thing he said to her is that she's "useful." My, such a lovely sentiment!

 

 

After 18 months of this, she broke up with him. Smart girl.

[Tayla]

what matters is how you perceived the outcome of your work. be it accolades or criticism by others is irrelevant.

I didn't read where he abuses you. in fact he simply remains quiet and listens.

Sounds like you would like his feedback though?

none here know all sides. just learned some people are labeled before resolving the behavior. if indeed he is not meeting your needs openly address it. sometimes a frank discussion is in order.

[darkmoon]

bail... this man is not a good life partner

 

you do not need me to warn that if you have his child the child might take after hm in nature

 

seen kids copying dads before now... bail

[Satu]

He seems to me to be a zero empathy person.

[SycamoreCircle]

I agree with the other poster about it not being about your success. He's not threatened by how well you're doing. He's emotionally checked out of the relationship. He doesn't value you. He takes you for granted. He slights you. He is not happy.

 

But his unhappiness is not attributable to you. It's something within himself.

 

I think you need to get out of this relationship. I'm sorry.

[Oneness]

He sounds like a narcissist...he is not interested in you when you are taking the limelight off him. He soaked it up when you were making him look good at the gala, it got him attention when he was with you! Narcissists can be such charmers in public! But basically, they don't care about you accept for how you are meeting their needs. I am sorry, I know it hurts...but if I were you I would RUN....