labayer Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Hi, My boyfriend(30) of 2.5 years (living together, serious relationship, prob wanna get married this year) told me one of his old friends from high school is getting married and he's having a bachelor's weekend next month where he wants to go. I feel really really uneasy about that. It's not just a night, it's a whole weekend in a different city an hour flight from here (not Vegas or Atlantic city, but also a big city where you can have a lot of fun). I know his old friends and I know they are crazy party animals and love to get wasted. He doesn't hang out much with them because we live in another city with them (but the city where the bachelor weekend will be is in a different city than all of those) and because usually my boyfriend doesn't like going to clubs. He likes drinking though. I don't know, I smiled but I just cannot let go of the thought of him being in another city with his party animal friends, being really wasted, going to strip clubs (he already said they're probably gonna go to strip clubs.. btw there won't be sightseeing because all of them know the city already) and maybe a stripper grinding her ass in his lap. Or maybe worse, meeting girls in clubs, Who knows. Usually I do trust him, but this all seems too much for me. Of course I also don't want to forbid it but I just can't help it. What would you do? Thanks for any advice.
GildedLily Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Hi, My boyfriend(30) of 2.5 years (living together, serious relationship, prob wanna get married this year) told me one of his old friends from high school is getting married and he's having a bachelor's weekend next month where he wants to go. I feel really really uneasy about that. It's not just a night, it's a whole weekend in a different city an hour flight from here (not Vegas or Atlantic city, but also a big city where you can have a lot of fun). I know his old friends and I know they are crazy party animals and love to get wasted. He doesn't hang out much with them because we live in another city with them (but the city where the bachelor weekend will be is in a different city than all of those) and because usually my boyfriend doesn't like going to clubs. He likes drinking though. I don't know, I smiled but I just cannot let go of the thought of him being in another city with his party animal friends, being really wasted, going to strip clubs (he already said they're probably gonna go to strip clubs.. btw there won't be sightseeing because all of them know the city already) and maybe a stripper grinding her ass in his lap. Or maybe worse, meeting girls in clubs, Who knows. Usually I do trust him, but this all seems too much for me. Of course I also don't want to forbid it but I just can't help it. What would you do? Thanks for any advice. There's not much you can do, did he ask you how you felt about it? If you are getting married this year, why isn't he your fiance? It takes at least 8 months to plan a wedding. I only ask this to gage his commitment level, usually a guy who is committed makes decisions with you and asks you how you feel about the plans before he tells his friends yes or no. 1
Author labayer Posted February 1, 2015 Author Posted February 1, 2015 I told him I feel really uneasy about it but he just said I have to trust him. Yes, he's my fiancé but it's not like it was a big proposal etc, we just decided to get married around summer. Anyway... I don't wanna tell him I don't want him to go, but... god, the more I try the less I like it.
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 So you only trust him when it's easy to trust him? Let him go. 6
PogoStick Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 You should be happy that the man you love is going to have tons of fun getting crazy with friends he rarely sees anymore. That's what parties (bachelors in particular) are all about in the first place. 4
georgia girl Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 I think you're overreacting and if not, then there's some serious (the don't get married kind of serious) cracks in your relationship. If you can't really trust that he wouldn't do anything, then that's pretty significant. On one hand, I'm inclined to say you're being jealous and paranoid and that's not attractive. But normally, if someone is jealous and paranoid - and it's just not in their nature - then there's a problem. For example, my husband and my ex-boyfriend have a common friend. This woman is sexy, beautiful, smart and, quite honestly, pretty open sexually. I was always worried about my ex-boyfriend around her. When I met my husband and as we dated, it came up that he was also friends with this woman (they all do triathlons). I never had a twinge of doubt about him. He made me feel so confident about me that he could go away for the weekend with her and I'd trust him without a flicker of doubt. The difference? One relationship was not so good and one partner wasn't trustworthy; the other one was fantastic on both counts. If there's a serious trust issue, address it before you get married. Marriage doesn't automatically paper over any cracks. And if it does, they always come back. 6
SycamoreCircle Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 I don't think, apart from strippers, you have to worry about him meeting women in strip clubs! 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 You keeping him from going on this trip or expressing "how you feel" (which is a woman's great manipulator in passively telling a man he shouldn't do something when she doesn't want him to) then you're really just going to cause a conflict of trust, you're going to bring everything into question and he's going to second guess his commitment to you if you can't trust him because you're basically behaving as if you cannot. It's not just about how it makes you feel, it's about what it means to the relationship when you "forbid" or do so passively by telling your partner how "bad" something would make you feel and the idea being that if he "respects your feelings", in which he should then basically not do anything that makes you feel bad...which it doesn't take a genius to see the flaws in that theory, it's pretty easy to tell what kind of person would say that. I think your only option is to be supportive and be confident in your trust in him, because if you can't do that then nothing else means anything...I mean if you really think he's not like the "other guys"....which is always funny to me how women always feel like it is always the others guys in the group that are the bad influence and neeeverr their own BF, what a coincidence! then you'll let him go on this trip even though it makes you uneasy. It sounds like you've already communicated at this point as well, and the guys 30 and not an idiot...he knows you're going to be worried, concerned or thinking about it...how many women wouldn't be? unless she doesn't give a damn about you. So if you make a big fuss then you're essentially saying you don't trust him, and if you support him then you're saying that you do. As hard as it may be, you need to pick and choose your battles...and since this is a special occasion, I wouldn't rock the boat if I were you...especially if he stays out of their way most of the time, and is living with you and ready to attach the chain to his ankle. Let's be realistic too, after 2.5 years with you...his game is probably not all that great to pick up chicks in the club either. Unless the guys a ladies man type of guy, wouldn't put too much money on that happening.
PinkCarnations Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 COME ON.. It's a bachelor's party. His friend is getting married. You won't allow him to have fun with his friends?? So what if it's in a different city? Don't be such a controlling girlfriend. You sound like the gf other people don't want to be around because you're so protective of your bf. Besides, even if he does something stupid like at worst, cheat on you, then it's always been in his nature and it's better to find out now then later. If it were me, I would be happy when my bf is happy and if that means getting to hang out with his friends, then so be it. 2
Elias33 Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 I think it is normal to have certain feelings about this. And it's okay to share that with your boyfriend. I can definitively understand you, I have heard plenty of bachelor party nightmares, so your thoughts are not unfounded. But that is all you can do. Loving somebody is about letting go, and trust in the outcome. The decision is totally up to him whether he stays or goes. You can ultimately decide whether you want him in your life, that is where your control pretty much ends. If you want the type that would never go to a bachelor party, then seek for that person.
GildedLily Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 I told him I feel really uneasy about it but he just said I have to trust him. Yes, he's my fiancé but it's not like it was a big proposal etc, we just decided to get married around summer. Anyway... I don't wanna tell him I don't want him to go, but... god, the more I try the less I like it. Well try to hang in there, can you book a girls weekend at the same time? Also ; not to harp on this but why not an actual nice proposal, did he give you a ring or did you go ring shopping?
Satu Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 In the absence of real and concrete reasons not to trust, I always choose to trust. 3
acapelo_dp Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 I think you should trust him on this and let him go. Strip clubs really aren't as bad as you may think, I have been to them before. Especially because there is no touching allowed. Smiling and saying "have fun" is going to make him want to be on good behavior even more, knowing you trust him so much.
LifeandPerseverance Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 If he's never cheated on you, and you trust him, what is the problem? 1
Els Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 (edited) Eh, I can see the dilemma. On the one hand, 'bachelors' parties' have always struck me as a rather odd concept when most people nowadays aren't REALLY single prior to their wedding, unlike in the old times when they barely knew each other before marriage. Even if you trust he won't cheat on you (and he probably won't, especially not with strippers), I personally just don't think it's appropriate for a man or woman in a LTR to be doing crazy partying with their single friends in a strip club for a whole weekend while their partner isn't allowed to join. It seems your opinion is similar. Fortunately for me, 'bachelor parties' or 'hen's nights' at strip clubs aren't the norm in my culture. But, given that it IS the norm and appears to be so deeply ingrained in your culture, I don't think you have much of an option, really. To some degree, we all have to participate in societal norms, unless we want to isolate ourselves from our friends. So, I guess I'm saying the same thing most people here are - that I think you probably just have to suck it up and go with it. But I do understand the distaste for it. Edited February 1, 2015 by Elswyth 2
elaine567 Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Truth is he can end up cheating with the girl at the supermarket or his coworker if he is that type. Sometimes there just needs to be some trust, but I am with you, it is not something I would be particularly agreeable to either. Seems like an opportunity to get up to no good and for a 30 year old attached man... Hmm...
ExpatInItaly Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 OP, has he ever given you a reason not to trust him? I do understand that plenty of women wouldn't love the idea of bachelor party weekend. But is there anything that has made you doubt his faithfulness to you?
Author labayer Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 Thanks to all for your answers! I do trust him, maybe I've seen to many movies or whatever. When I think of bachelor parties I think of a bunch of really drunk guys in a stripclub licking cream from a stripper's boob. Maybe I have too much fantasy. I was surprised about some answers though- Never have I said that I'm forbidding him to go to that weekend, never! I also didn't say I don't want him to go or anything like that. He told me about it and I smiled and said ok, no problem. A bit later I told him I'm a bit uneasy about it and that I'm imagining all those things. He told me to not worry and trust him. Nothing after that. I don't think I'm a controlling gf at all.
Author labayer Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 OP, has he ever given you a reason not to trust him? I do understand that plenty of women wouldn't love the idea of bachelor party weekend. But is there anything that has made you doubt his faithfulness to you? No, never. But I'm also not the snooping around kind of person. Maybe I have seen too many movies about bachelor parties.
Author labayer Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 Well try to hang in there, can you book a girls weekend at the same time? Also ; not to harp on this but why not an actual nice proposal, did he give you a ring or did you go ring shopping? Yes I have a ring, we went ring shopping together. That was ok for me, I don't need a super romantic proposal at sunset on a mountain And about the girls weekend, I dunno.. not a bad idea actually. Not very interested though to go to a strip club
newmoon Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 unless he has cheated before, let him go. cheaters shouldn't be allowed freedoms like that imo, but a guy who has never done anything, it should be fine and you shouldn't even mention it. if you are having issues they are *your* issues and you need to examine why you have mistrust/jealousy, etc. towards someone who hasn't given you reason 1
bathtub-row Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) I think you should trust him on this and let him go. Strip clubs really aren't as bad as you may think, I have been to them before. Especially because there is no touching allowed. Smiling and saying "have fun" is going to make him want to be on good behavior even more, knowing you trust him so much. I personally don't believe in the concept of couples "letting" one another do something. They're both adults. They should discuss it and decide if it's financially feasible or not, if they have other plans on that day, etc. But this is not the same as getting permission, or letting your spouse do something. Nor should it be. I think, considering his nonchalant proposal, there's very little kick to this relationship and the OP instinctively knows it. Women who persist in relationships where the guy doesn't make them feel loved and valued usually end up regretting it. In her mind, someone else could easily come along and turn his head. That's really her fear, and it's probably based in truth. Edited February 2, 2015 by bathtub-row 3
Trimmer Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Thanks to all for your answers! I do trust him, maybe I've seen to many movies or whatever. When I think of bachelor parties I think of a bunch of really drunk guys in a stripclub licking cream from a stripper's boob. Maybe I have too much fantasy. I've always wondered about these kinds of situations... Have you asked him what his boundaries are, and then listen? Then he's telling you what you want to know - how far will he go in this thing? - and by asking him and listening to his answer, you are essentially getting a clear commitment from him, on his terms, without you presuming to "give permission" or declare anything. I don't know - just one approach. 1
Author labayer Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 I think, considering his nonchalant proposal, there's very little kick to this relationship and the OP instinctively knows it. Sorry but that's bull**** in my opinion. I'm not a very romantic person myself and I liked it much more when he suddenly asked me at breakfast if I wanna marry him, instead of proposing to me with a too expensive ring at sunset on a beach. He knows me and he knows that would have been too much for me. And I know he isn't that kind of guy either. So what? My parents by the way had a similar 'proposal' and they have been happily married for 32 years now. 2
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