Break up after 22 years Exremely hard to cope with [UPDATE]

[C h r i s]

Hello, I've been reading a lot of threads on the forum for a couple of weeks and felt now was a good a time as any to share my experience which is still on going and giving me monumental heartache.

I apologise in advance if my writing seems disjointed or confusing, my head, well the whole of me is in constant turmoil.

 

I'm 43 and my wife/partner (we never married and ex really I guess) is 41. We had been living together up until October 27th 2014 for 22 years, never married. The last 10 years up to October last year we were living in our jointly owned/mortgaged home which is where I currently live but since October 27th last year, she has been living in a private rented house just 5 minutes away with our 16 year old daughter and 15 year old son. Her parents paid the deposit and bond and are guarantors on a 12 month lease. I've had quite a few differentjobs and been out of work quite a few times. My wife hasn't had a job for 20 years, this wasn't an issue, it was just how it was.

 

We had another daughter Amber who sadly passed away in September 2102 aged only 17.

Amber had been unwell at the beginning of the week, this was the last week of the summer school holidays and she was due to go back to start her A levels in the 6th Form (Higher Education here in the UK).

Her mum had taken her to the doctors and she was diagnosed as having tonsilitus. Antibiotics were prescribed and home she came. I remember going to work on the evening before we found her and just before leaving for my nightshift I noticed Amber sat on the kitchen floor looking under the weather and I remember asking her what her brother's name was and what her sister's name was. (I'm not really sure why but I think it was because I felt a need to ask if you can understand what I mean, checking her responsiveness, I was concerned). I must say that other then going to the doctors with her mum and being diagnosed with tonsilitus, there wasn't anything that was life threatening or giving us reason to think so. Amber was a grade A student, beautiful, didn't drink, smoke, she was wonderful.

My wife discovered Amber on her bedroom floor motionless on the morning of that fateful day.

Amber and her sister shared a bedroom sleeping on bunkbeds.

I had just come home off a night shift in the morning and when my wife walked across to the bathroom she casually looked into their bedroom to see if they were awake and screamed. I was taking my clothes off to go to bed and ran to them.

As I came to the door, I saw Amber on the floor not moving, my wife screaming and our other daughter on the top bunk bed looking down at Amber screaming as well.

I took my phone out and put it on speaker and dialled the Emergency Services (our version of your 911)

I instantly checked her pulse and breathing, nothing.

I started CPR and communicated with the Paramedic who advised an ambulance was on it's way and I was asked if someone could meet them in the car park as we live in a housing estate which is easy to get lost in.

I told my wife to go out and meet them, our other daughter went with her.

I was now on my own. I continued CPR but nothing was happening.

It seemed like an eternity but then paramedics, my wife and other daughter appeared in the room beside me and the paramedics took over.

It was not to be.

 

 

Since Amber's passing, my partner has been on medication ever since (Fluoxetine 20mg).If you were to meet her now and not know anything about us or Amber, I think most would think my wife was just a normal woman with no reason to be thinking differently. I don't know if the medication has affected her mindset or thought processes.

When Amber passed away, her younger sister, who was 14 at the time, went to live with my wife's sister up the road from us just a few days later. She stayed there for about 6/7 months, we saw her a few times. our son spent a lot of time staying over a friends house.

 

 

We have never all grieved together, we haven't.

We were contacted by the Samaritans over here in the UK and by Cruise Bereavement but to be honest neither myself or my wife gained anything from them. I said to my wife only the other day that we haven't all grieved together and she agreed with me.

 

 

Our daughter came back to us only because she had been told no by her aunty (my wife's sister) when she wanted to stay at some friends house without the parent being home overnight. My wife's sister had said no because she felt responsible for our daughter who was 14 at the time and didn't think it was right for her to stay over night without her friend's parent (single mum) being present and the mention of boys possibly being there.

 

 

When our daughter came back to us, I noticed she was cold and distant to me. Communication simply shut down not for want of trying by me. I remember one time in our kitchen I tried to talk with her and every single time I uttered a single word she would blurt out "stop talking to me, stop talking to me" almost autonomously. At least 10 times I remember her saying this and nothing else. She would not engage me at all. I tried and tried to ask quietly and calmy why she was doing this and in a moment of stupidity and I regret this very deeply, I said to her "what were you doing the night Amber died, were you on your phone". I knew immediately then that I was so wrong to say that to her, it just came out in that crazy moment. I think about it all the time.

My wife didn't help me with this.

 

 

I wish to say that in our 22 years I haven't been a saint. I have shouted at times, I have sworn at times, I have been selfish at times but not for 22 years that my wife would make out I have been.

The few months before October 27th (the day they moved out of our family home), I can only write down that communication was very minimal, heels were digging in, hot headessness was prevailant and we all simply refused to budge in the right direction. We even had the family home up for sale which was insane. It's so hard to pinpoint exactly what brought us to this tragic mess where I now live alone in our family home and my wife, son and daughter live literally 10 minutes walk away in that private rented house. She doesn't have to pay rent (£500 pounds a month) or Council Tax because she's on sickness/unemployment benefits (ESA in the UK).

 

 

I remember the day, her mum and dad came through our back gate along with a couple of other people I recognised and they preceded to take out what she wanted them to take to the rented house, washing machine, tumble dryer, a lot of things.

I didn't create a scene but i assure you deep inside I was turning upside down wondering what was really happening but felt like my feet were chained to the floor and watching this happening infront of me I just don't know why I didn't try to stop her or say anything. It was like my head was full of thoughts but empty at the same time, does that make any sense?

In the past and currently when I talk with my wife she has always had this uncanny ability to just look at you without saying a word on occassions. I think it's called passive aggresiveness (silent treatment) though not being qualified in this field I can't and won't say this is what she does to me.

 

 

I'm sorry for going on......

 

 

About three days after they left I was downstairs in our home and I noticed she had taken the mirror from the downstairs toilet room. Why I did what I did next I can only say was in that moment, realisation hit home and hit home hard.

I texted her and calmy asked if she remembered where we bought the mirror from as I wanted to replace the same mirror as the holes in the wall for hanging it wouldn't have to be changed. I know why I texted her, I knew I loved her and the children and I missed her and the children, that's the reality of it.

I knew where she was living as we have two border collie dogs who we both love very much, they are actually with me tonight. I'll be dropping them off at her rented house in the morning before I go to work.

So after that first text, I turned up at her house the next day if I remember correctly and she let me in.

 

 

This was the start of my trying to bring my family back together.

Since then and that would be basically the beginning of November, I have been going over there almost on a daily basis. We have been out for a meal or two, we have had a lot of takeaway meals at her house, she has been doing my washing and cooking an evening meal for me as much as she can handle. I have spent a lot of time over her house. There has been no intamacy apart from small efforts on my part to kiss her on the neck, caress her arm, little things basically to try to maintain some kind of connection.At one point I called the estate agents from her rented house infront of her and told them to take our home off the market. My wife didn't go mad but I could sense she wasn't made up either way. If we sold our family home, we would have 50/50 split on the profit but I said to her as lovingly as possible that our family home was for our children's future as well and we shouldn't sell it.

 

 

What is clear throughout these last few months up till now is she has said it's me who wants her and the children back but she has to make a decision whether she has feelings for me and whether she wants to come back. It's very finicky to say the least. Something else I'm certain of and I say this with no ill thought towards her, is she know's how to lift me and drop me either with words or a facial expression. She does this very well and when she does I go all wimpy. I know I should grow a pair.....she has told me so but I feel afraid to say the wrong thing as she knows how to utilise this "control" for want of a better word over me. She knows full well I want them back.

 

 

Over Christmas 2104, I stayed overnight at hers for I think it was 4 days and nights. I slept in my sons room over there with him, never with her.

I bought them all gifts and cards. I didn't have a christmas card or gift off any of them, though my son did text me Merry Christmas.

 

 

Our son has stayed here overnight with me twice which was a joy.

The thing is I'm sure he's aware how to manipulate me and his mum to suit the moment. He can be sulky one moment and then perk up when he gets what he wants. I've tried to explain this to his mum but she has this inability to address things. I've wondered if losing our Amber has somehow made my wife feel she might lose our other daughter and son (it's a crazy notion) if she doesn't give in to them and whatever they ask for?

 

I wasn't there Christmas Day because our daughter was there.

Since they have been living there, I cannot be in there house when our daughter is there. If I am there and our daughter is coming to there from school or something I have to leave. My wife simply says I have to go back home to our family home.

 

 

There was one occasion where I was in her kitchen over there making a coffee and I hadn't noticed that our daughter had come in and sat down in the living room. I came out of the kitchen and it was then she saw me. She stood up and walked across to face the wall and started to wail "get him out of here, get him out of here". I tried to reason with her but her mum came down from upstairs said to her something about being over dramatic and then turned to me and said "you have to go". I left.

I haven't spoken face to face or laid eyes on my daughter since about November 2014.

My wife says I have to let our daughter decide for herself whether she will see or talk to me.

 

 

I know at one point when I was at their front door, I over heard our daughter telling her mum "why is here mum".

I've tried talking to my wife about our daughter; I said how can we even understand the issues between us if we don't even see or communicate at all, how could this benficial to anyone?

 

 

My wife gives me that look and says I can't force our daughter to see or talk to me, I have to give it time, she said.

Am I wrong? How can no communication be good for me and our daughter? If I'm not understanding something or I've got something wrong, I'll admit I'm wrong and say sorry.

 

 

I feel that the longer my daughter avoids me and makes no attempt to be reasonable and try to talk with me, I have this fear she will become so engrained by it and she will think it's normal and nothing will be resolved.

 

Each time I see my wife (partner/ex) I mention a little about us all coming back as a family again.

She talks a little, but seems to sit on the fence with lots of maybe, she can't decide yet, she has our daughter to think of.

I mentioned the other day about how if we were to see some kind of relationship counsellor maybe having a third non judgemental person could hear both sides and give us some impartial guidance. My wife didn't want to know?

 

 

I go home each time back to our family home and ponder endlessly.

I'm sure there are bits I have not remembered to write in this first opening thread, please forgive me as my head is hurting from the not knowing whether I will be part of my family again. I love them so much.

 

 

I have cried many tears, in our family home and at her rented house.

 

 

Can someone let me know why I have this horrible sensation in my body all the time? Eating food is troubling me, when I'm on my own, cooking is a tough one for me. The worst part is waking in the morning and I have anxiety and panic sets in. I wish this wasn't happening. I love them all so much.

 

I hope I can recieve some comments or advice from any of you, I've read a lot of threads on this forum and I can see that there are a lot of good people here with experience and knowledge to share.

I apologise again for this lenghty post.

 

 

Chris.

[Kinetica84]

Hello, I've been reading a lot of threads on the forum for a couple of weeks and felt now was a good a time as any to share my experience which is still on going and giving me monumental heartache.

I apologise in advance if my writing seems disjointed or confusing, my head, well the whole of me is in constant turmoil.

 

I'm 43 and my wife/partner (we never married and ex really I guess) is 41. We had been living together up until October 27th 2014 for 22 years, never married. The last 10 years up to October last year we were living in our jointly owned/mortgaged home which is where I currently live but since October 27th last year, she has been living in a private rented house just 5 minutes away with our 16 year old daughter and 15 year old son. Her parents paid the deposit and bond and are guarantors on a 12 month lease. I've had quite a few differentjobs and been out of work quite a few times. My wife hasn't had a job for 20 years, this wasn't an issue, it was just how it was.

 

We had another daughter Amber who sadly passed away in September 2102 aged only 17.

Amber had been unwell at the beginning of the week, this was the last week of the summer school holidays and she was due to go back to start her A levels in the 6th Form (Higher Education here in the UK).

Her mum had taken her to the doctors and she was diagnosed as having tonsilitus. Antibiotics were prescribed and home she came. I remember going to work on the evening before we found her and just before leaving for my nightshift I noticed Amber sat on the kitchen floor looking under the weather and I remember asking her what her brother's name was and what her sister's name was. (I'm not really sure why but I think it was because I felt a need to ask if you can understand what I mean, checking her responsiveness, I was concerned). I must say that other then going to the doctors with her mum and being diagnosed with tonsilitus, there wasn't anything that was life threatening or giving us reason to think so. Amber was a grade A student, beautiful, didn't drink, smoke, she was wonderful.

My wife discovered Amber on her bedroom floor motionless on the morning of that fateful day.

Amber and her sister shared a bedroom sleeping on bunkbeds.

I had just come home off a night shift in the morning and when my wife walked across to the bathroom she casually looked into their bedroom to see if they were awake and screamed. I was taking my clothes off to go to bed and ran to them.

As I came to the door, I saw Amber on the floor not moving, my wife screaming and our other daughter on the top bunk bed looking down at Amber screaming as well.

I took my phone out and put it on speaker and dialled the Emergency Services (our version of your 911)

I instantly checked her pulse and breathing, nothing.

I started CPR and communicated with the Paramedic who advised an ambulance was on it's way and I was asked if someone could meet them in the car park as we live in a housing estate which is easy to get lost in.

I told my wife to go out and meet them, our other daughter went with her.

I was now on my own. I continued CPR but nothing was happening.

It seemed like an eternity but then paramedics, my wife and other daughter appeared in the room beside me and the paramedics took over.

It was not to be.

 

 

Since Amber's passing, my partner has been on medication ever since (Fluoxetine 20mg).If you were to meet her now and not know anything about us or Amber, I think most would think my wife was just a normal woman with no reason to be thinking differently. I don't know if the medication has affected her mindset or thought processes.

When Amber passed away, her younger sister, who was 14 at the time, went to live with my wife's sister up the road from us just a few days later. She stayed there for about 6/7 months, we saw her a few times. our son spent a lot of time staying over a friends house.

 

 

We have never all grieved together, we haven't.

We were contacted by the Samaritans over here in the UK and by Cruise Bereavement but to be honest neither myself or my wife gained anything from them. I said to my wife only the other day that we haven't all grieved together and she agreed with me.

 

 

Our daughter came back to us only because she had been told no by her aunty (my wife's sister) when she wanted to stay at some friends house without the parent being home overnight. My wife's sister had said no because she felt responsible for our daughter who was 14 at the time and didn't think it was right for her to stay over night without her friend's parent (single mum) being present and the mention of boys possibly being there.

 

 

When our daughter came back to us, I noticed she was cold and distant to me. Communication simply shut down not for want of trying by me. I remember one time in our kitchen I tried to talk with her and every single time I uttered a single word she would blurt out "stop talking to me, stop talking to me" almost autonomously. At least 10 times I remember her saying this and nothing else. She would not engage me at all. I tried and tried to ask quietly and calmy why she was doing this and in a moment of stupidity and I regret this very deeply, I said to her "what were you doing the night Amber died, were you on your phone". I knew immediately then that I was so wrong to say that to her, it just came out in that crazy moment. I think about it all the time.

My wife didn't help me with this.

 

 

I wish to say that in our 22 years I haven't been a saint. I have shouted at times, I have sworn at times, I have been selfish at times but not for 22 years that my wife would make out I have been.

The few months before October 27th (the day they moved out of our family home), I can only write down that communication was very minimal, heels were digging in, hot headessness was prevailant and we all simply refused to budge in the right direction. We even had the family home up for sale which was insane. It's so hard to pinpoint exactly what brought us to this tragic mess where I now live alone in our family home and my wife, son and daughter live literally 10 minutes walk away in that private rented house. She doesn't have to pay rent (£500 pounds a month) or Council Tax because she's on sickness/unemployment benefits (ESA in the UK).

 

 

I remember the day, her mum and dad came through our back gate along with a couple of other people I recognised and they preceded to take out what she wanted them to take to the rented house, washing machine, tumble dryer, a lot of things.

I didn't create a scene but i assure you deep inside I was turning upside down wondering what was really happening but felt like my feet were chained to the floor and watching this happening infront of me I just don't know why I didn't try to stop her or say anything. It was like my head was full of thoughts but empty at the same time, does that make any sense?

In the past and currently when I talk with my wife she has always had this uncanny ability to just look at you without saying a word on occassions. I think it's called passive aggresiveness (silent treatment) though not being qualified in this field I can't and won't say this is what she does to me.

 

 

I'm sorry for going on......

 

 

About three days after they left I was downstairs in our home and I noticed she had taken the mirror from the downstairs toilet room. Why I did what I did next I can only say was in that moment, realisation hit home and hit home hard.

I texted her and calmy asked if she remembered where we bought the mirror from as I wanted to replace the same mirror as the holes in the wall for hanging it wouldn't have to be changed. I know why I texted her, I knew I loved her and the children and I missed her and the children, that's the reality of it.

I knew where she was living as we have two border collie dogs who we both love very much, they are actually with me tonight. I'll be dropping them off at her rented house in the morning before I go to work.

So after that first text, I turned up at her house the next day if I remember correctly and she let me in.

 

 

This was the start of my trying to bring my family back together.

Since then and that would be basically the beginning of November, I have been going over there almost on a daily basis. We have been out for a meal or two, we have had a lot of takeaway meals at her house, she has been doing my washing and cooking an evening meal for me as much as she can handle. I have spent a lot of time over her house. There has been no intamacy apart from small efforts on my part to kiss her on the neck, caress her arm, little things basically to try to maintain some kind of connection.At one point I called the estate agents from her rented house infront of her and told them to take our home off the market. My wife didn't go mad but I could sense she wasn't made up either way. If we sold our family home, we would have 50/50 split on the profit but I said to her as lovingly as possible that our family home was for our children's future as well and we shouldn't sell it.

 

 

What is clear throughout these last few months up till now is she has said it's me who wants her and the children back but she has to make a decision whether she has feelings for me and whether she wants to come back. It's very finicky to say the least. Something else I'm certain of and I say this with no ill thought towards her, is she know's how to lift me and drop me either with words or a facial expression. She does this very well and when she does I go all wimpy. I know I should grow a pair.....she has told me so but I feel afraid to say the wrong thing as she knows how to utilise this "control" for want of a better word over me. She knows full well I want them back.

 

 

Over Christmas 2104, I stayed overnight at hers for I think it was 4 days and nights. I slept in my sons room over there with him, never with her.

I bought them all gifts and cards. I didn't have a christmas card or gift off any of them, though my son did text me Merry Christmas.

 

 

Our son has stayed here overnight with me twice which was a joy.

The thing is I'm sure he's aware how to manipulate me and his mum to suit the moment. He can be sulky one moment and then perk up when he gets what he wants. I've tried to explain this to his mum but she has this inability to address things. I've wondered if losing our Amber has somehow made my wife feel she might lose our other daughter and son (it's a crazy notion) if she doesn't give in to them and whatever they ask for?

 

I wasn't there Christmas Day because our daughter was there.

Since they have been living there, I cannot be in there house when our daughter is there. If I am there and our daughter is coming to there from school or something I have to leave. My wife simply says I have to go back home to our family home.

 

 

There was one occasion where I was in her kitchen over there making a coffee and I hadn't noticed that our daughter had come in and sat down in the living room. I came out of the kitchen and it was then she saw me. She stood up and walked across to face the wall and started to wail "get him out of here, get him out of here". I tried to reason with her but her mum came down from upstairs said to her something about being over dramatic and then turned to me and said "you have to go". I left.

I haven't spoken face to face or laid eyes on my daughter since about November 2014.

My wife says I have to let our daughter decide for herself whether she will see or talk to me.

 

 

I know at one point when I was at their front door, I over heard our daughter telling her mum "why is here mum".

I've tried talking to my wife about our daughter; I said how can we even understand the issues between us if we don't even see or communicate at all, how could this benficial to anyone?

 

 

My wife gives me that look and says I can't force our daughter to see or talk to me, I have to give it time, she said.

Am I wrong? How can no communication be good for me and our daughter? If I'm not understanding something or I've got something wrong, I'll admit I'm wrong and say sorry.

 

 

I feel that the longer my daughter avoids me and makes no attempt to be reasonable and try to talk with me, I have this fear she will become so engrained by it and she will think it's normal and nothing will be resolved.

 

Each time I see my wife (partner/ex) I mention a little about us all coming back as a family again.

She talks a little, but seems to sit on the fence with lots of maybe, she can't decide yet, she has our daughter to think of.

I mentioned the other day about how if we were to see some kind of relationship counsellor maybe having a third non judgemental person could hear both sides and give us some impartial guidance. My wife didn't want to know?

 

 

I go home each time back to our family home and ponder endlessly.

I'm sure there are bits I have not remembered to write in this first opening thread, please forgive me as my head is hurting from the not knowing whether I will be part of my family again. I love them so much.

 

 

I have cried many tears, in our family home and at her rented house.

 

 

Can someone let me know why I have this horrible sensation in my body all the time? Eating food is troubling me, when I'm on my own, cooking is a tough one for me. The worst part is waking in the morning and I have anxiety and panic sets in. I wish this wasn't happening. I love them all so much.

 

I hope I can recieve some comments or advice from any of you, I've read a lot of threads on this forum and I can see that there are a lot of good people here with experience and knowledge to share.

I apologise again for this lenghty post.

 

 

Chris.

 

Chris I'm actually heartbroken for you mate.

 

I really don't know what to say.

 

I think you and you're family have not dealt with your daughters death. I think you guys need therapy, even if you cant get your family to go with you go on your own and start fixing yourself.

 

22 years is a lot to throw away. It seems like your family is blaming you for not being able to save your daughter. If that is true, it is unfair and they misdirecting their anger towards.

 

Your entire family is in so much pain and you all need to face it so you can heal. I'm gutted that no one even got you an xmas card.

 

I really feel for you mate but I would suggest seeking professional help.

 

I really hope you get through this soon. my thoughts are with you.

[Satu]

I'm sorry for your loss. I really am.

 

What you have been through is as painful as it can get.

 

You should all be in individual therapy and family therapy.

 

I don't think you can move forward by any other means.

 

Good luck.

[C h r i s]

Chris I'm actually heartbroken for you mate.

 

I really don't know what to say.

 

I think you and you're family have not dealt with your daughters death. I think you guys need therapy, even if you cant get your family to go with you go on your own and start fixing yourself.

 

22 years is a lot to throw away. It seems like your family is blaming you for not being able to save your daughter. If that is true, it is unfair and they misdirecting their anger towards.

 

Your entire family is in so much pain and you all need to face it so you can heal. I'm gutted that no one even got you an xmas card.

 

I really feel for you mate but I would suggest seeking professional help.

 

I really hope you get through this soon. my thoughts are with you.

 

 

 

Thank you for your reply,

 

 

I've always felt that Amber's passing must have played a part in all of this, how little or large I don't know. I do know that my wife attempts to convince me it's not to do with Amber but it's all to do with how I've treated them over the years. The thing is I know I haven't been the perfect husband and dad but my wife seems to have focused a lot of negativity based on whatever she can remember from the past but in all honesty she simply doesn't bring Amber's name up to talk about it. I wish my wife's parents would try to hear me when I tried to tell them. The thing is now they are so tribal and they believe by helping my wife and children move out, they have done the right thing, it's madness. Communication is such a let down in my situation for all concerned. I've been told I talk too much but when I mention that silence and ignorance doesn't solve anything I get thrown off the playing field. It's so sad.

 

 

I dread waking in the morning, I literally go into panic mode, hot flushes, the lot and then I have to endure going to work where no-one there is capable of empathy.

[Satu]

Thank you for your reply,

 

 

I dread waking in the morning, I literally go into panic mode, hot flushes, the lot and then I have to endure going to work where no-one there is capable of empathy.

 

You are the one who everyone is projecting their pain onto.

 

Projecting that pain onto you helps them not to feel their own painful feelings.

[Seeker12]

Im not sure about the solution, but about negativity, i saw that with my ex, even though we mutually broke up.

 

She started focussing and bringing up all the negative situations that had occurred in our relationship, and to an extent she had previously understood and overlooked.

 

Ultimately i guessed my ex was doing this in order to allow her reason to then start breaking off the emotional connection we both had. So the negativity isnt for or about you, its more your ex bringing these back in order to allow her to understand why she broke up with you, (me and my ex werent allowed to marry basically but she still focussed on the negativity to help her move on, to give her reason, to see the dark side instead of the light and justify moving on).

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss and for the pain that you are feeling. I can hear that you are really hurting, friend. I think that marital/individual/family counseling might be really helpful for you, as well as your family. Would your wife be open to counseling? I'm praying for you and wishing you the best.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[C h r i s]

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss and for the pain that you are feeling. I can hear that you are really hurting, friend. I think that marital/individual/family counseling might be really helpful for you, as well as your family. Would your wife be open to counseling? I'm praying for you and wishing you the best.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

 

 

Thank you for your heartfelt reply,

 

 

I spoke with my wife earlier today on the phone whilst I was driving in work. I made some general conversation and as I usually do, professed my love for her and our children. I asked her if I could go over to her's for some food and to see them all but she said we'll see. I asked if I could call her later this evening when I got home from work, she said "fine" but not with the kind of enthusiasm I would like to sense in her voice.

 

 

I called her later and she said no. I asked why and she said she's not going to make me tea every day and that Courtney was there. I quietly asked her if Courtney (our daughter who refuses to have anything to do with me) was in the room with her. She said yes. I gently as possible asked my wife if she could find it in her heart to try and say hi to our daughter right there and then for me and to say I'm always thinking of her even though we don't see or communicate with each other. I could sense over the phone that my wife was having again a hard time for some reason in doing this. She muttered something I couldn't make out and so I asked if I could go over there tomorrow. She said I don't know yet. I said I would give her a call tomorrow.

 

 

What am I to do? It's like an impossible situation with communication that is simply unhelpful and just daft as hell.

 

 

I don't want to give up as I love them all dearly but nor do I wish to stay in perpetual limbo wondering if I'm ever going to be with my wife as in a normal, healthy and loving relationship and am I ever going to somehow see and talk with our daughter? I don't want to be single forever.

 

 

I go to bed quite late every night and spend a while lying there with my mind going over and over everything until at some point I guess I fall asleep. I wake up at erratic times in the early hours, then in the morning as I wake up fully, it hits me all over again and through out the day I have this constant uncomfortable feeling flowing all over my body. I know I don't eat like I used to. My mind is thinking about them all the time. God this is so hard to think about and write down. I feel so lost.

 

 

It's like that movie Groundhog Day is one way to describe my days.

 

 

Reading through lots of posts and seeing references to breadcrumbs and No Contact. Are these relevant to my situation? I just don't know if I could refrain from trying to communicate with them. My son is sporadic on Facebook Messenger with me but he's the only one who engages in what could be called meaningful conversation at times.

 

 

I thought our daughter Amber's passing was infinitely hard to cope with but this is equally hard and emotional.

 

 

Thank you all of you who take the time to reply. It helps somewhat.

 

 

I wouldn't wish this trauma on anyone,it's the worst.

[Kinetica84]

Thank you for your heartfelt reply,

 

 

I spoke with my wife earlier today on the phone whilst I was driving in work. I made some general conversation and as I usually do, professed my love for her and our children. I asked her if I could go over to her's for some food and to see them all but she said we'll see. I asked if I could call her later this evening when I got home from work, she said "fine" but not with the kind of enthusiasm I would like to sense in her voice.

 

 

I called her later and she said no. I asked why and she said she's not going to make me tea every day and that Courtney was there. I quietly asked her if Courtney (our daughter who refuses to have anything to do with me) was in the room with her. She said yes. I gently as possible asked my wife if she could find it in her heart to try and say hi to our daughter right there and then for me and to say I'm always thinking of her even though we don't see or communicate with each other. I could sense over the phone that my wife was having again a hard time for some reason in doing this. She muttered something I couldn't make out and so I asked if I could go over there tomorrow. She said I don't know yet. I said I would give her a call tomorrow.

 

 

What am I to do? It's like an impossible situation with communication that is simply unhelpful and just daft as hell.

 

 

I don't want to give up as I love them all dearly but nor do I wish to stay in perpetual limbo wondering if I'm ever going to be with my wife as in a normal, healthy and loving relationship and am I ever going to somehow see and talk with our daughter? I don't want to be single forever.

 

 

I go to bed quite late every night and spend a while lying there with my mind going over and over everything until at some point I guess I fall asleep. I wake up at erratic times in the early hours, then in the morning as I wake up fully, it hits me all over again and through out the day I have this constant uncomfortable feeling flowing all over my body. I know I don't eat like I used to. My mind is thinking about them all the time. God this is so hard to think about and write down. I feel so lost.

 

 

It's like that movie Groundhog Day is one way to describe my days.

 

 

Reading through lots of posts and seeing references to breadcrumbs and No Contact. Are these relevant to my situation? I just don't know if I could refrain from trying to communicate with them. My son is sporadic on Facebook Messenger with me but he's the only one who engages in what could be called meaningful conversation at times.

 

 

I thought our daughter Amber's passing was infinitely hard to cope with but this is equally hard and emotional.

 

 

Thank you all of you who take the time to reply. It helps somewhat.

 

 

I wouldn't wish this trauma on anyone,it's the worst.

 

Chris my heart goes out to you mate.

 

My situation doesn't compare to yours but we always feel that our personal trauma is the worst in the world.

 

2014 was without the toughest of my life, but again nothing compared to you. My gf of 3 years cheated on me, I hit rock bottom.

 

I surrounded myself with family and friends and talked about my issues. Do the same, see your siblings, cousins, aunts uncles and friends, speak to a close work mate, cry if you have to. Don't suffer in silence. At the very least bud you need to see a therapist. May be distance yourself from your wife for a bit? I know that will feel counter intuitive but what you're doing isn't working so you might as well try something different

 

Feel bettee mate, I really hope things get better soon.

[Avante91]

Hello, I've been reading a lot of threads on the forum for a couple of weeks and felt now was a good a time as any to share my experience which is still on going and giving me monumental heartache.

I apologise in advance if my writing seems disjointed or confusing, my head, well the whole of me is in constant turmoil.

 

I'm 43 and my wife/partner (we never married and ex really I guess) is 41. We had been living together up until October 27th 2014 for 22 years, never married. The last 10 years up to October last year we were living in our jointly owned/mortgaged home which is where I currently live but since October 27th last year, she has been living in a private rented house just 5 minutes away with our 16 year old daughter and 15 year old son. Her parents paid the deposit and bond and are guarantors on a 12 month lease. I've had quite a few differentjobs and been out of work quite a few times. My wife hasn't had a job for 20 years, this wasn't an issue, it was just how it was.

 

We had another daughter Amber who sadly passed away in September 2102 aged only 17.

Amber had been unwell at the beginning of the week, this was the last week of the summer school holidays and she was due to go back to start her A levels in the 6th Form (Higher Education here in the UK).

Her mum had taken her to the doctors and she was diagnosed as having tonsilitus. Antibiotics were prescribed and home she came. I remember going to work on the evening before we found her and just before leaving for my nightshift I noticed Amber sat on the kitchen floor looking under the weather and I remember asking her what her brother's name was and what her sister's name was. (I'm not really sure why but I think it was because I felt a need to ask if you can understand what I mean, checking her responsiveness, I was concerned). I must say that other then going to the doctors with her mum and being diagnosed with tonsilitus, there wasn't anything that was life threatening or giving us reason to think so. Amber was a grade A student, beautiful, didn't drink, smoke, she was wonderful.

My wife discovered Amber on her bedroom floor motionless on the morning of that fateful day.

Amber and her sister shared a bedroom sleeping on bunkbeds.

I had just come home off a night shift in the morning and when my wife walked across to the bathroom she casually looked into their bedroom to see if they were awake and screamed. I was taking my clothes off to go to bed and ran to them.

As I came to the door, I saw Amber on the floor not moving, my wife screaming and our other daughter on the top bunk bed looking down at Amber screaming as well.

I took my phone out and put it on speaker and dialled the Emergency Services (our version of your 911)

I instantly checked her pulse and breathing, nothing.

I started CPR and communicated with the Paramedic who advised an ambulance was on it's way and I was asked if someone could meet them in the car park as we live in a housing estate which is easy to get lost in.

I told my wife to go out and meet them, our other daughter went with her.

I was now on my own. I continued CPR but nothing was happening.

It seemed like an eternity but then paramedics, my wife and other daughter appeared in the room beside me and the paramedics took over.

It was not to be.

 

 

Since Amber's passing, my partner has been on medication ever since (Fluoxetine 20mg).If you were to meet her now and not know anything about us or Amber, I think most would think my wife was just a normal woman with no reason to be thinking differently. I don't know if the medication has affected her mindset or thought processes.

When Amber passed away, her younger sister, who was 14 at the time, went to live with my wife's sister up the road from us just a few days later. She stayed there for about 6/7 months, we saw her a few times. our son spent a lot of time staying over a friends house.

 

 

We have never all grieved together, we haven't.

We were contacted by the Samaritans over here in the UK and by Cruise Bereavement but to be honest neither myself or my wife gained anything from them. I said to my wife only the other day that we haven't all grieved together and she agreed with me.

 

 

Our daughter came back to us only because she had been told no by her aunty (my wife's sister) when she wanted to stay at some friends house without the parent being home overnight. My wife's sister had said no because she felt responsible for our daughter who was 14 at the time and didn't think it was right for her to stay over night without her friend's parent (single mum) being present and the mention of boys possibly being there.

 

 

When our daughter came back to us, I noticed she was cold and distant to me. Communication simply shut down not for want of trying by me. I remember one time in our kitchen I tried to talk with her and every single time I uttered a single word she would blurt out "stop talking to me, stop talking to me" almost autonomously. At least 10 times I remember her saying this and nothing else. She would not engage me at all. I tried and tried to ask quietly and calmy why she was doing this and in a moment of stupidity and I regret this very deeply, I said to her "what were you doing the night Amber died, were you on your phone". I knew immediately then that I was so wrong to say that to her, it just came out in that crazy moment. I think about it all the time.

My wife didn't help me with this.

 

 

I wish to say that in our 22 years I haven't been a saint. I have shouted at times, I have sworn at times, I have been selfish at times but not for 22 years that my wife would make out I have been.

The few months before October 27th (the day they moved out of our family home), I can only write down that communication was very minimal, heels were digging in, hot headessness was prevailant and we all simply refused to budge in the right direction. We even had the family home up for sale which was insane. It's so hard to pinpoint exactly what brought us to this tragic mess where I now live alone in our family home and my wife, son and daughter live literally 10 minutes walk away in that private rented house. She doesn't have to pay rent (£500 pounds a month) or Council Tax because she's on sickness/unemployment benefits (ESA in the UK).

 

 

I remember the day, her mum and dad came through our back gate along with a couple of other people I recognised and they preceded to take out what she wanted them to take to the rented house, washing machine, tumble dryer, a lot of things.

I didn't create a scene but i assure you deep inside I was turning upside down wondering what was really happening but felt like my feet were chained to the floor and watching this happening infront of me I just don't know why I didn't try to stop her or say anything. It was like my head was full of thoughts but empty at the same time, does that make any sense?

In the past and currently when I talk with my wife she has always had this uncanny ability to just look at you without saying a word on occassions. I think it's called passive aggresiveness (silent treatment) though not being qualified in this field I can't and won't say this is what she does to me.

 

 

I'm sorry for going on......

 

 

About three days after they left I was downstairs in our home and I noticed she had taken the mirror from the downstairs toilet room. Why I did what I did next I can only say was in that moment, realisation hit home and hit home hard.

I texted her and calmy asked if she remembered where we bought the mirror from as I wanted to replace the same mirror as the holes in the wall for hanging it wouldn't have to be changed. I know why I texted her, I knew I loved her and the children and I missed her and the children, that's the reality of it.

I knew where she was living as we have two border collie dogs who we both love very much, they are actually with me tonight. I'll be dropping them off at her rented house in the morning before I go to work.

So after that first text, I turned up at her house the next day if I remember correctly and she let me in.

 

 

This was the start of my trying to bring my family back together.

Since then and that would be basically the beginning of November, I have been going over there almost on a daily basis. We have been out for a meal or two, we have had a lot of takeaway meals at her house, she has been doing my washing and cooking an evening meal for me as much as she can handle. I have spent a lot of time over her house. There has been no intamacy apart from small efforts on my part to kiss her on the neck, caress her arm, little things basically to try to maintain some kind of connection.At one point I called the estate agents from her rented house infront of her and told them to take our home off the market. My wife didn't go mad but I could sense she wasn't made up either way. If we sold our family home, we would have 50/50 split on the profit but I said to her as lovingly as possible that our family home was for our children's future as well and we shouldn't sell it.

 

 

What is clear throughout these last few months up till now is she has said it's me who wants her and the children back but she has to make a decision whether she has feelings for me and whether she wants to come back. It's very finicky to say the least. Something else I'm certain of and I say this with no ill thought towards her, is she know's how to lift me and drop me either with words or a facial expression. She does this very well and when she does I go all wimpy. I know I should grow a pair.....she has told me so but I feel afraid to say the wrong thing as she knows how to utilise this "control" for want of a better word over me. She knows full well I want them back.

 

 

Over Christmas 2104, I stayed overnight at hers for I think it was 4 days and nights. I slept in my sons room over there with him, never with her.

I bought them all gifts and cards. I didn't have a christmas card or gift off any of them, though my son did text me Merry Christmas.

 

 

Our son has stayed here overnight with me twice which was a joy.

The thing is I'm sure he's aware how to manipulate me and his mum to suit the moment. He can be sulky one moment and then perk up when he gets what he wants. I've tried to explain this to his mum but she has this inability to address things. I've wondered if losing our Amber has somehow made my wife feel she might lose our other daughter and son (it's a crazy notion) if she doesn't give in to them and whatever they ask for?

 

I wasn't there Christmas Day because our daughter was there.

Since they have been living there, I cannot be in there house when our daughter is there. If I am there and our daughter is coming to there from school or something I have to leave. My wife simply says I have to go back home to our family home.

 

 

There was one occasion where I was in her kitchen over there making a coffee and I hadn't noticed that our daughter had come in and sat down in the living room. I came out of the kitchen and it was then she saw me. She stood up and walked across to face the wall and started to wail "get him out of here, get him out of here". I tried to reason with her but her mum came down from upstairs said to her something about being over dramatic and then turned to me and said "you have to go". I left.

I haven't spoken face to face or laid eyes on my daughter since about November 2014.

My wife says I have to let our daughter decide for herself whether she will see or talk to me.

 

 

I know at one point when I was at their front door, I over heard our daughter telling her mum "why is here mum".

I've tried talking to my wife about our daughter; I said how can we even understand the issues between us if we don't even see or communicate at all, how could this benficial to anyone?

 

 

My wife gives me that look and says I can't force our daughter to see or talk to me, I have to give it time, she said.

Am I wrong? How can no communication be good for me and our daughter? If I'm not understanding something or I've got something wrong, I'll admit I'm wrong and say sorry.

 

 

I feel that the longer my daughter avoids me and makes no attempt to be reasonable and try to talk with me, I have this fear she will become so engrained by it and she will think it's normal and nothing will be resolved.

 

Each time I see my wife (partner/ex) I mention a little about us all coming back as a family again.

She talks a little, but seems to sit on the fence with lots of maybe, she can't decide yet, she has our daughter to think of.

I mentioned the other day about how if we were to see some kind of relationship counsellor maybe having a third non judgemental person could hear both sides and give us some impartial guidance. My wife didn't want to know?

 

 

I go home each time back to our family home and ponder endlessly.

I'm sure there are bits I have not remembered to write in this first opening thread, please forgive me as my head is hurting from the not knowing whether I will be part of my family again. I love them so much.

 

 

I have cried many tears, in our family home and at her rented house.

 

 

Can someone let me know why I have this horrible sensation in my body all the time? Eating food is troubling me, when I'm on my own, cooking is a tough one for me. The worst part is waking in the morning and I have anxiety and panic sets in. I wish this wasn't happening. I love them all so much.

 

I hope I can recieve some comments or advice from any of you, I've read a lot of threads on this forum and I can see that there are a lot of good people here with experience and knowledge to share.

I apologise again for this lenghty post.

 

 

Chris.

 

Chris.

 

I am only 23 so I cannot even begin to fathom the pain you have endured.

I truly and sincerely hope that everything works out for you, you deserve another chance and your heart and mind seems to be in the right place.

 

Please keep your post updated I would love to watch your progress although I may not be able to directly offer advice I can listen, and I can find support in your coping.

 

Heartfelt regards

Avante

X

[EgoJoe]

Please seek counseling.

[C h r i s]

Please seek counseling.

 

For myself, I could do that but my wife puts a wall up, won't discuss it and my son goes along with what his mum says. Courtney my daughter who I haven't seen or spoken with for approx 3 months? Again, I can't make her go to counselling and I don't think her mum would either as I've suggested it a couple of times.

 

 

 

 

Can I ask the NC group, is this something I should consider doing or is my situation not needing NC? I just don't know.

[Ganz7]

Hi Chris

 

The anxiety and cold sweats are terrible. I had a break up 4 months ago of an 10-11 year relationship. Same thing, no appetite or drive for life even, worrying about being alone and going to work and staying focused was hard. Something like this changes you as well and certainly in my case I mourned not only the loss of my realtionship but I also lost a part of me. I know I may never be the same me again. It's a new chapter for better or worse but new all the same.

 

Think you're right about keeping communications going. You have a family and as long as they will talk to you you'll want to talk to them. Hope things get better and it will but it will suck for a while. Try and stop those thoughts that make you anxious by thinking about other stuff. Talk to your friends and see them as much as possible. Talking about my breakup helped me and after 4 months I noticed that when I talk about it it drags me down so much I regret talking about it. Last week I was able to kick those thoughts out as soon as they entered my head by thinking about things I liked. As hard as it sounds and is try and not let it consume your everyday thoughts but do everything you can to make things work out.

[C h r i s]

Hi Gang,

 

The thing is where I agree and believe strongly in communication, my wife (we're not married) is the type of lady who is quite easy with either simply not answering when I try to talk with her or she shuts me down by saying "I don't want to talk about this right now". It's so frustrating.

 

I have been going around her "rented" house for approx three months now and that is only when I phone her first to ask and she says yes or no. This depends on how's she's feeling at the time and whether our daughter Courtney is there as I can't be in their house when Courtney is there or she's coming home from school or something.

 

My wife says I keep going on all the time and she puts her hands to her head as if I'm droning on at her.

 

She has said to me a few times that she has to make her mind up whether or not she wants to be with me and come back to our old family home where our Amber passed away in her and Courtney's bedroom, Amber and Courtney shared the same bedroom in bunkers.

 

My wife has said a few times over the last few months about giving her space to breathe. I know what she was thinking but I found it so hard not to keep ringing her to see if I could go over to hers basically each day, I think I have made things worse and it scares me to death.

 

Only yesterday, I rang her whilst I was in work to chat a little (very one way communication to be honest) and she said I could. I go over there after I get home from work and soon enough I start talking about us and Courtney our daughter that I don't see, and pretty soon she gets all sighing and hardly says a word. She did say she doesn't love me.

 

She won't entertain seeing a counsellor for family help or over our daughter Amber's death.

 

I was chatting with an elderly lady in my local shop last night and she was from the same town that we live in. I told her briefly what was going on and she knew about our daughter Amber. After I said everything, her first words were that my wife hasn't grieved properly over Amber's death 2 years ago (she was 17, our first born) and that she thinks my wife and our daughter are focusing their loss at me amongst other issues we've had in the 22 years we've been together. She said as well to give her space.

 

I am torn up inside, I woke up again this morning just after 4am even though my alarm is set for 6.40am. This happens regularly and upon waking my head goes into chaos mode, it's not a feeling I would wish upon anyone.

 

Do you good people think I should attempt what I've read on the forum No Contact NC?

 

Reading about other people's experience of NC, I am under no illusion as to how hard it is to shut down all communication especially when I feel that talking is how to help solve problems. I find it so hard to come home from work to our jointly owned/mortgaged home alone knowing my wife, our kids, our two lovely dogs are just a 10 minute walk away in her rented house.

 

The aching and longing for them grips me so much. It's so hard.

 

Will NC help or inadvertently make her think I have given up?

The other worry is that I do have a tentative relationship with our son who lives at her house.

I've been having our dogs on the weekend stay with me sometimes.

These couple of things alter the NC?

 

 

I'm sat in a lorry in work, typing this on my phone and all I think of right now is shall I ring her, will she answer, am I going to our home after work where all of our children lived, the memories, so many thoughts! Our family home is so empty, quiet and soulless without them there, it's heartbreaking.

Edited February 4, 2015 by C h r i s

[Radu]

I've read some horrible things on this forum ... but this has got to be one of the worst if not the worst.

 

Yeah ... blame yourself for past problems in a relationship ... but your wife is the key here.

 

She sounds ... the type who will do initiative.

In which case you can wait forever for counselling.

[JonjMie]

I have shivers up my back and Im at work on the verge of crying here, I'm so sorry for you mate, I cannot even begin to imagine the loss that you encountered, I have two daughters and the youngest at 12 is ill at the moment self harming, she lives with her mum but I am helpless.

 

I cant say anything except this is way beyond anybody on here, for now if you know they are safe then back off a bit from them, I did the same when my marriage broke down in 2010 and I am not goign to say its a good place to be but I did things for myself, played football, worked hard, made sure I was busy every weekend and waited for the children to reach out to me, every other weekend I drove 200 miles to see them and rent a hotel and spent every penny i had on days out and meals.

 

I think you should back of a little, get some proper help and take it from there

 

big hugs

[KBarletta]

Chris,

 

You have my sympathies. Yours is a horrible situation.

 

I am normally an advocate of NC for healing, but I am not sure it would be helpful in your case because I think in this case it might do more harm than good.

 

I agree with the other posters here that counseling is essential for everyone involved. If they won't join you at first, go by yourself. But the fact is that you all have a loss you haven't properly grieved and it sounds as if your daughter is taking her grief out on you. Your wife is probably beside herself with unresolved grief, not to mention your marital issues which I suspect also stem somewhat from that unresolved grief. Until you all process that, I think you'll be stuck, and NC isn't going to help in that regard, in my opinion.

 

I would find a grief/family counselor and schedule appointments, then do absolutely everything in your power to get them to join you.

[Ifonlyihadknown]

I was put on this medication 20 years ago following a trauma. And I can testify it numbs out the thinking process. Used as an anti depressant, it,s also got a high success rate in treating Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

 

Firstly I would like to say how sorry I am to read about the loss of your daughter, i,m a father the similar age to yourself and can imagine the grief your wife, yourself and son/daughter went (going) through following this tragic event.

 

I have a friend who went through a similar situation to you, he and his wife lost a child (7 years old)

They blamed eachother, she moved out.

After 6 months he sold the house, brought another one and lived there on his own for a year. After a while they started speaking again, though it took time eventually she told him the old house triggered constant memories, snapshots and echoes of the child they had lost, he told her he had sold the house because he could not bare to live there without her.

 

They lasted 6 years years after this as a couple, but eventually they did split up as they both had different paths they wanted to follow!

 

Look after yourself and make sure you eat, food is important for keeping your strength up!

 

I wish you well!!!

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Chris I too feel for you mate, I am currently separated from my wife and partner of over 20 years and know exactly the panics, the sweats, the contstant thinking thinking and over thinking of events, I too often wake up at 4am and struggle to get back to sleep, I am seeing 2 counseloors to help me make some sense of it all and to try to get some peace of mind, I also think that NC is not the answer, maybe low contact would be better as it sound slike you wife needs her space to think, menahwile why don't you seek counselling for yourself it might just help you, my thoughts and prayers are with you mate keep posting, keep crying, keep talking, keep hoping, good luck im thinking of you.

[C h r i s]

Thank you for your overwhelming kindness in your replies so far; as others know very well, the kind people here who put their thoughts and advice down in their replies are helping me and others cope just that little bit better.

 

 

A small update:

 

 

Since seeing my wife yesterday evening, I haven't texted or phoned her.

 

 

Normally I would be doing the opposite but even though it's extremely difficult not to want to, I have resisted somehow.

 

 

I think she will be conscious of not having me text, phone her but I feel I have to somehow beat a different path for my own sanity and for her.

 

 

I have no idea when I may contact her, I want to so much, but I expect she will contact me possibly this Friday as I normally have our two dogs stay with me in our family home. We will see how this pans out.

 

 

It's so hard.....x

Edited February 4, 2015 by C h r i s

[ralfgarnett]

Thank you for your overwhelming kindness in your replies so far; as others know very well, the kind people here who put their thoughts and advice down in their replies are helping me and others cope just that little bit better.

 

 

A small update:

 

 

Since seeing my wife yesterday evening, I haven't texted or phoned her.

 

 

Normally I would be doing the opposite but even though it's extremely difficult not to want to, I have resisted somehow.

 

 

I think she will be conscious of not having me text, phone her but I feel I have to somehow beat a different path for my own sanity and for her.

 

 

I have no idea when I may contact her, I want to so much, but I expect she will contact me possibly this Friday as I normally have our two dogs stay with me in our family home. We will see how this pans out.

 

 

It's so hard.....x

 

 

Hi Chris yes its very hard to see through, almost like an emotional poker game but with the highest stakes you can think of I,e, your wife, your heart, your feelings your family, personally I think you are wise in seeing if your wife contacts you, and if you can, instead of you talking too much to her listen to exactly how she is talking to you and exactly what she is saying, good luck mate and best you can for now resist the urge to pick up the phone, I reckon she will notice you not contacting her and she may well be curious about it, as I said good luck.

[tobrieornottobrie]

C h r i s, have you looked any further into seeking counseling for yourself as you are navigating this? Still praying for you, friend!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[C h r i s]

C h r i s, have you looked any further into seeking counseling for yourself as you are navigating this? Still praying for you, friend!

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

 

 

 

 

I'm going to see my doctor tomorrow morning to talk about all this and see what help I can get whether it's medication to calm my nerves and everything that's crushing me and talk about counselling. It's so debilitating, it really is.

 

 

I still see my wife when she says I can go over to her house (we're not married but 22 years together, she's a wife to me). This last week or so she's started saying things along the lines of she's not coming back, no feelings etc but I can't help but think she's fighting with so much in her own mind what with the passing of our daughter she doesn't talk about unless I try to, all the ups and downs through our relationship, oh god it's so hard to write it all down.

 

 

Only yesterday, I was over her house trying to talk with her and she was saying no, I tried to reach her with so many words as best I could but it's like she's thinking this way one minute, that way the next if you know what I mean. I suggested we try a trial go at it for a while, she seemed to be thinking about it but again no.

 

 

I can't be over her house when our daughter Courtney is there, I have to leave when Courtney is coming home there from school or her boyfriends.

 

 

This doesn't help as my wife understandably doesn't want to upset Courtney. I haven't spoken to or seen Courtney for almost 4 months now.

 

 

I've asked my wife to try to talk with Courtney on my behalf and she says she has. She says Courtney doesn't want anything to do with me. Other people have said to me to just give it time but god, how long will this go on without communication. It tears me up.

 

 

So today I send her a couple of simple texts how's your morning going over there? Ask her what she's doing. Just simple conversation stuff. She was cleaning at that moment. I ask her if I can come over she says no. I ask in a bit maybe? She says "we'll see. If you're not working tomorrow we could take the dogs out?"

 

 

I said "Okay, well babe, what time can I come over to you shortly, missing you, you know I am?" x

 

 

She says "I'll let you know"

 

 

I said " Sorry, I didn't answer about the dogs: yes we could take Seren and Dewi out tomorrow, would be nice...babe how soon can I come, I have something to pass your wayxx"

 

 

She replied "Omg! I'll let you know! Stop nagging

 

 

I replied "Okay, please not too long sweetheart

 

 

 

 

I'm finding this so hard. Yesterday she was saying no and stuff and then today she's asking about taking our dogs out for a nice walk.

 

 

How do I approach this, understand what's happening in her mind?

 

 

I miss her, our son Elliott and daughter Courtney so much, our dogs Seren and Dewi are missed just as much by me.

[ralfgarnett]

Oh Chris I sympathise with you so much mate, we would 20 years together this May so we are in similar positions, yes go and see your GP and tell him exactly how your feeling and exactly how its affecting you, I went to see mine this morning and he has prescribed me extra medications to cope with my depression and anxiety, I already take buspirone, mirtazapine, and zopiclone, but today he has prescribed me diazaipam for as or when and also amitriptyline, so there are 5 medications especially for depression, anxiety, and broken sleep, but I still miss my wife and would do anything to have her back, you need help though pal so go in and lay it on the line, don't hold anything back in fact tell your GP that you need as much help as he can offer you, btw just one tip if he prescribes you citalopram ask for something else as I was on it once but didn't feel it doing me any good, so I would advise either venlafaxine or mirtazapine for your mood but also ask him for something such as buspirone or diazaipam for those panicky moments, good luck mate im rooting for you let us know how you get on.

[ralfgarnett]

Not heard from Chris is there any news ?