Break up after 22 years Exremely hard to cope with [UPDATE]

[lop98]

Didn't realize this was an old-ish thread.

 

Such a sad story, I'm so sorry for what you're going through, Chris (if you are reading) and I think you've dealt with it with kindness and the best emotional resources one can hope for in such a hard test of life.

 

Your family has been torn apart, and the kids are in a defining age, so you can only hope for the best, your wife has to team up with you, I've never been married and know nothing about marriage but I would guess this is the biggest test of all and it shouldn't be failed when there's still love. Seek professional help, all of your family needs it but if they refuse, at least do it for you, to stop feeling like this and eventually be a greater support for them.

 

I would write your daughter a long letter, just in case she ever wants to read it.

[mightycpa]

Personally, I think it is inexcusable for your wife to allow your daughter to avoid you. Nobody can make her speak to you, but she should not be supported in her avoidance of you.

[C h r i s]

Update..

 

Well after trying so hard I woke up one morning and realised I was flogging a dead horse, as if my emotional switch towards my ex had finally tripped. I felt nothing towards her anymore, nothing. I handled the sale of our old family home where Amber died and me and the ex had our share of the equity. I was lodging at a friends home and subsequently bought myself another house. It's a 3 bedroom house with lovely gardens and views. It's very peaceful and I have the dogs with me full time. I still haven't seen my other two children or spoken with them in any way whatsoever. I did occasionally send a text/try to phone them but no response at all. I met a wonderful lady in November last year and we are happy beyond words together. Looking back, I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone, it was hell but I survived and now look forward to a life with another, the fond memories of Amber and a hope that Courtney and Elliott may one day come back into my life.

 

Thankyou all of you for your messages and wisdom x

 

[]

Edited May 9, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
anonymity ~6

[lolablue17]

Did you talk to a lawyer about your rights that are brutally violated? You know that it's criminal what's going on here, right?

[spiderowl]

Sorry, just realised you were giving us an update. I am glad you managed to deal with the house and I hope you are feeling a bit better, though I know that will take time. x

 

 

I am really sorry to hear what happened. I can't imagine going through such a trauma, then to have your family move out too must seem all too much. I can well understand you seeking to be with them, seeking comfort and understanding. They are obviously not able to give this at the moment.

 

I think you need to find counselling for yourself and to leave your family alone for a while. I know this must go against all your instincts at the moment but they have been clear about that. They need to work out how they feel. Your wife has asked for space. If you carry on ignoring that, it will only make matters worse.

 

Have you seen your GP about the way you are feeling? I know a GP can't magically put everything right but I think you need to talk to professionals outside of your family unit to gain some perspective on what is happening.

 

Do you have any idea why your daughter will not talk to you? I am getting the impression you don't, which is presumably why you want to talk with her? She does not seem up to it, so is feeling overwhelmed in some way. It would not be surprising with everything you all have to process. If your family will not entertain counselling with you, will they go to counselling without you? Anyway, that is something to ponder.

 

In difficult situations like this, people react in different ways. Some shut off, some go into depression, some act out, some talk, some panic. You are all reacting in your individual ways and presumably reacting to each other because of the stress involved. It seems your wife and daughter have different ways of dealing with things to you and find it stressful that you need to talk and be around them. Maybe they need to shut off and rest in their sorrow?

 

Please seek counselling for yourself as a starting point. Hopefully the positive effects of that will help to improve the situation overall. If your family are not engaging in counselling, at least you are taking that step and maybe they will see that and consider it themselves. They may want individual counselling though.

 

I think rather than trying to fix your family at the moment, you need to seek support for yourself. Hang on in there and take it one step at a time.

Edited May 8, 2017 by spiderowl
read whole thread and realised it was an update

[Goodguy05]

hi chris

 

1st of all im like the other posters on here im sorry to hear your struggles and story its heartbreaking.

Yoiur actual story gave me an epiphamy about my own break up. i wont go into detail as its quiet long lol but suffice to say after my ex lost her kids in a custody battle we went down hill if you want more info i encourage u to read my thread.

this is only a guess but i think that the family including your wife have changed since your daughter passed and somehow blame you again its only a guess and you are definately not to blame you did everything you could and did it very well. again im not sure if its this but kinda correlates to my own experience.

 

My ex said the same thing lost all her feelings.

I take my hat off to your efforts in trying to save your family as well.

 

The only advice i would give is have a good hard think and be completly honest with yourself about why you think shes lost feelings? how was it before you lost your daughter the relationship i mean? In the meantime i think in ur case its different and im not quiet sure NC works. i would suggest to go counselling even by ureself about your daughter to try and gain some perspective and insight about why shes like this. A bit of advice on counsillors make sure you find a good one, its ok if they challenge your thinking thats actually a good thing in some cases.

A good counsillor is one who u can completly open up to remember that thats key.

 

Chris i wish u all the very best in this situation and you are the hero in this situation definatley.

[Goodguy05]

For myself, I could do that but my wife puts a wall up, won't discuss it and my son goes along with what his mum says. Courtney my daughter who I haven't seen or spoken with for approx 3 months? Again, I can't make her go to counselling and I don't think her mum would either as I've suggested it a couple of times.

 

 

 

 

Can I ask the NC group, is this something I should consider doing or is my situation not needing NC? I just don't know.

 

U know what Chris, u might nned to for ur own sanity and health NC is all about healing remember that and not winning them back. Having said that though NC can sometimes do that lol i know with my ex wife it worked but i found someone else and i think she could sense that and called me but then started going hot and cold. from the sounds of it u may need to go NC because ur constantly getting rejected by the family theres only so much we can take ur not built of stone so i would maybe suggest for ur own health and well being to go NC i think uve done enough already im pretty sure ur wife knows very clearly u want her and the family. Having said that remember NC is for healing not a tactic to win ur family back dude good luck

[Goodguy05]

i would seriously get some prfessional perspective i think ur situation is above the scope of a lot of people on here and i think we are all trying to be very careful the advice we give, se a counsillor dude before doing anything

Edited May 9, 2017 by Goodguy05

[Goodguy05]

Lol and i just saw ur update i didnt wanna say it but ye NC apepasr was the righnt way