Tips on healing

[drifter777]

Ralph - what has your eX done to earn your forgiveness?

[Ralph79]

Ralph - what has your eX done to earn your forgiveness?

 

The happiest moments of my life happened because of her. And although they turned out to be a deception, what I felt was very real. She had the decency to get out of my life. Against my wishes. I'm grateful to her for that now. We will never see each other ever again, despite her initial attempts to contact me hoping to stay in touch as friends. I'm not going to let her hurt me anymore. I don't hate her, or what she did to me. I think I may have actually forgiven her for that. I hate what my life became because of her.

 

I guess if I really think about it, the real person I'm having the hardest time forgiving is myself, for dismissing my dignity and letting someone like her bring me to my knees. For being so gullible and naive. For being weak. It's something I'm working on. It is my goal.

[Mrs. John Adams]

This is a beautiful story. I had read it before.

 

Here is a question. Do you think that you and Mr. Adams could have healed - REALLY healed - if Mr. Adams had decided to build a house around that holey fence and make sure he led you there to look at it every. single. day. for the rest of your life?

 

Because that IS what some people want. They want to chain their spouse to the holey fence so they will never forget. Or THEY want to carry that fence around like a shield, saying, "See what he/she did to my fence?!?"

 

Autumn,

 

I cannot fully answer your question because...it is speculation.

 

I can tell you this...I make sure I TAKE ME TO THE FENCE.....i remind myself...and in my opinion...that is remorse.

 

I have stored on my computer a file...titled the affair. It includes the story i posted here last week....it also includes John's version of the story. It also has a list that John composed for me of the things i said to him after my affair. This list is horrible...it truly brings me to my knees. I read it every now and then just to remind me...of the kind of person i had become during that time. I hold myself accountable...he doesn't have to. I want to feel his pain...so I never forget....

 

I suppose that as long as your spouse triggers....as long as he talks about what you did to him....as long as he reminds you...in a way...he brings you to the fence. I am not sure that coming to the fence is bad....because i think as the WS we need to be reminded of the horrible thing we did to our spouse. But there is a difference in reminding and crippling another person, and manipulating another person, and hoarding it over another person.

 

A gentle reminder, a little nudge,...can serve to keep us humble.

[drifter777]

The happiest moments of my life happened because of her. And although they turned out to be a deception, what I felt was very real. She had the decency to get out of my life. Against my wishes. I'm grateful to her for that now. We will never see each other ever again, despite her initial attempts to contact me hoping to stay in touch as friends. I'm not going to let her hurt me anymore. I don't hate her, or what she did to me. I think I may have actually forgiven her for that. I hate what my life became because of her.

 

I guess if I really think about it, the real person I'm having the hardest time forgiving is myself, for dismissing my dignity and letting someone like her bring me to my knees. For being so gullible and naive. For being weak. It's something I'm working on. It is my goal.

So the answer is she's done nothing to earn your forgiveness. Blaming yourself for being gullible and naive & weak does get her off the hook. Maybe the horrible things she did need to just stand on their own so you can see the reality of your situation. You're still hurting too much for the horror your wife caused you.

[autumnnight]

The happiest moments of my life happened because of her. And although they turned out to be a deception, what I felt was very real. She had the decency to get out of my life. Against my wishes. I'm grateful to her for that now. We will never see each other ever again, despite her initial attempts to contact me hoping to stay in touch as friends. I'm not going to let her hurt me anymore. I don't hate her, or what she did to me. I think I may have actually forgiven her for that. I hate what my life became because of her.

 

I guess if I really think about it, the real person I'm having the hardest time forgiving is myself, for dismissing my dignity and letting someone like her bring me to my knees. For being so gullible and naive. For being weak. It's something I'm working on. It is my goal.

 

The good thing is that because you had the strength and resolve to be true to yourself and divorce her, you did not choose to live in a situation where not only would she possibly not work to earn forgiveness....you would choose not to give it. I think you did the right thing.

[Ralph79]

So the answer is she's done nothing to earn your forgiveness. Blaming yourself for being gullible and naive & weak does get her off the hook. Maybe the horrible things she did need to just stand on their own so you can see the reality of your situation. You're still hurting too much for the horror your wife caused you.

 

She's gone. There was no time after the final split for her to earn anything. I didn't want to risk getting hurt further by asking her to do anything anyways. I didn't want her to confuse me.

 

Hoping you understand me :

 

One night, my wife woke me up past midnight sobbing. She said she couldn't understand why she does the things she does. She said she hated herself for hurting me. And said she was immeasurably grateful to me for not giving up on her and on our marriage. She said: "I love you, I love us, I love my life, please help me, I don't want to lose you, I don't want to lose us, I'm crazy and I'm afraid of what will happen tomorrow, or the next day or the next". Her sobbing got louder to the point where she couldn't continue. Tears started rolling down my eyes at this point and I smiled at her. She said "what?". I said : "All I know is I will be here with you the rest of your life".

 

She asked still crying : "How can you take this bull****, how can you live through what I put you through, How?!" I answered: "Because I'm in love you. And I'm also kind of your Husband you know?.. The title and responsibility I accepted after that whole 'in sickness and in health' speech?, those weren't just meaningless words to me. I meant every one of them"

 

She laughed, stopped crying, embraced me and said "I'm in love with you too". And she fell asleep in my arms. I didn't sleep that night. I held her until morning and I left for work while she stayed asleep. That evening as I'm driving back home I get a text from her stating : "We need to talk. I'm not happy. I've decided that I'm going home". That was the last night we slept at our home together. As sad, depresing and gut wrenching as those moments were, I can recall them without crying now. They are over. I don't have to endure them anymore.

 

She had 6 months to cancel the divorce I submitted to the court before it was filed. Had she done so 1 day prior to the deadline I STILL would've given her a chance out of principle, even if she didn't have any.

 

I had nightmares the first months thinking about her "Don't give up on me" speeches. I woke up in the middle of the night crying several times. It wasn't until understanding how the mind of a BDP sufferer works that I understood she was just manipulating me.

 

Does being crazy get her off the hook? Was she really crazy to begin with?

 

I really don't care anymore. Nothing we can do will erase what she did anyway. Things wouldn't be this way had she never hurt me, but they also could have been avoided had I not allowed myself to be her doormat so willingly all that time.

 

Does she deserve forgiveness ? That's a matter of opinion. Regardless I chose to let go of the anger and bitterness of what she did. The scar runs really deep, so like you implied, it will take time to feel completely happy again. But I hold no grudges anymore, I don't see a point.

 

Turning this topic back to you, I guess it's different when you have to see the person day after day. So I guess I'm not qualified to empathize with you perhaps. However I did wholeheartedly forgave all her transgressions when she was with me. But that backfired on me, so maybe you have the right idea in not forgiving her.

 

The good thing is that because you had the strength and resolve to be true to yourself and divorce her, you did not choose to live in a situation where not only would she possibly not work to earn forgiveness....you would choose not to give it. I think you did the right thing.

 

I would have forgiven her every single time. I never brought up anything she did to me while we were together. I wanted us to have a clean slate every time she asked for forgiveness weather she earned it or not.

 

I ended up doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. It took courage to let her go and submit my divorce to the court. It took courage to leave that relationship. But it was merely Good fortune that she didn't cancel the divorce before it was filed and completed, otherwise I still would've been a doormat. Since then she has tried to get in touch. I just delete her emails without opening them anymore, since we have no ties to each other anymore.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ralph...you are an incredible man...in every sense of the word. You are a remarkable human being...in every sense of the word.

 

You make me cry and smile at the same time. You are an inspiration to me.

 

Thank you

[Ralph79]

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words and I'm glad the story I shared earlier helped in any way. I can clearly see you truly love and appreciate your husband. You are both very lucky and wonderful people.

[Mrs. John Adams]

yes ralph...i truly love him

 

thank you for seeing that. and thank you for sharing.

[jnel921]

Yes many stay married though they never recover.

 

Thankfully 2 years and 4 months later since D Day I can say that we have recovered our love and purpose for being together. R is a long work in progress that with two willing people eventually will work itself out.

 

DuckRabbit, no one should force themselves to stay with a WS if they don't have it within themselves to forgive.

 

Forgiveness is the hardest part of this whole process.

 

The most important thing that I have learned from this devastating event, which has happened to me twice in two different marriages in the past 18 years is that eventually you have to let it go. It's very easy for me to be on this forum now and talk to all of you all and share my experiences because the pain isn't that great anymore.

 

But when we talk about this to our WS, we are only bringing it up to remind them of their indiscretion and sometimes to keep them on their toes. Reminding them that we don't trust and clearly not forgiving.

 

So when you really think about how this is really helping in the R process, it isn't. We as BS are only hurting ourselves by bringing this up. A WS will never understand the hurt and pain they've caused us. Just like we cannot understand the character flaws that would make it possible for our WS to hurt us.

 

Once its all said and done and we know the truth and all of the details what else is there to do and say but I'm sorry and start the process of forgiving and healing.

 

If it is a true deal breaker then it is right to leave the marriage. I divorced my first H. In my heart I knew he wasn't remorseful. It was the right thing to do.

 

My second H, just like your W, did the "right things". I am forever thankful and grateful for this. Eventually I came around and I was falling in love again with a man who I knew genuinely loved me. He knew hurt me. He continues to hurt over this. Shakes his head in disbelief now and wonders why he was dumb enough to risk his M like that. He made a mistake. He acknowledges that and so do I. I forgive him.

 

This takes time. Open your heart and little by little bring down that wall and accept what your WW is trying to give you. If her intention is genuine and you still love her. Work with that. It takes time but you do get there.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited February 8, 2015 by jnel921

[thummper]

*******************************************************************

 

As Well Put as i ever seen written and I believe just that simple....What happened to me and other BSs here ..( Ill speak as a BH...I am one)...Is what I saw and found out on D-DAY...and shortly there after...I KNEW i would never over the sex and the betrayal...Never ..My entire world shifted but i still knew I could not and would not carry that load...

 

For some of us BSs (Husbands and Wives)..we cannot get over the sexual part of the Affair..The fortunate ones KNOW this early and file for D ....

 

I refused to live my life in Hell because my WW went on a year long fu%kfest...got caught...and OH MY wanted forgiveness and wanted to work it out...

 

I have forgiven her ....but as another posted "She and the OM fell the Thin Ice of the A...and pleaded for help.....I stood and watched them drown and have never looked back...

 

 

 

That is a GREAT quote. Do you happen to remember who originally said it?

[thummper]

She's gone. There was no time after the final split for her to earn anything. I didn't want to risk getting hurt further by

 

I ended up doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. It took courage to let her go and submit my divorce to the court. It took courage to leave that relationship. But it was merely Good fortune that she didn't cancel the divorce before it was filed and completed, otherwise I still would've been a doormat. Since then she has tried to get in touch. I just delete her emails without opening them anymore, since we have no ties to each other anymore.[/QUOTE]

 

 

Ralph, do you have any knowledge about how her life has turned out since she abandoned the relationship with you?

[Ralph79]

She's gone. There was no time after the final split for her to earn anything. I didn't want to risk getting hurt further by

 

I ended up doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. It took courage to let her go and submit my divorce to the court. It took courage to leave that relationship. But it was merely Good fortune that she didn't cancel the divorce before it was filed and completed, otherwise I still would've been a doormat. Since then she has tried to get in touch. I just delete her emails without opening them anymore, since we have no ties to each other anymore.[/QUOTE]

 

 

Ralph, do you have any knowledge about how her life has turned out since she abandoned the relationship with you?

 

The last exchange we had was after I was in what should have been a fatal car crash. I slammed into a concrete column on a freeway. Miraculously I had no broken bones but I did slam my head and lost consciousness. I kept having headaches and feeling nauseous so I was taken to a hospital for an overnight stay to make sure there was no internal bleeding. I could't sleep. Headaches kept getting worse and I thought there was a chance I might not wake up if I slept. I had read how some people had died from blunt blows to the head.

 

I decided to reply to my wife's latest email she had sent just days prior stating she missed me and that she needed closure. That she cries every time she remembers me and that she will continue to seek my friendship.

 

I attached a picture of the accident and said I was in the hospital. That I was apparently unharmed but that I was being checked out just in case, because they didn't like the fact that I lost consciousness and my headache hadn't gone away. I told her I was at peace with myself and with what had happened between us. I guess I did it because I didn't want her to feel guilty in case something did happen. We were still months away from the divorce being finalized.

 

She replied with an 'OMG How nice to hear back from you' message. Adding she TOO had been in danger by way of a guy who almost raped her on their date. She asked me not to tell her parents or else she wouldn't be allowed to continue dating him.

 

My mother was with me when I read her response. She saw my tears and pointed out that even though my dad and her had split due to his infidelities 4 years prior to his death, she would always visit him when his bad health worsened, to the point that he had to be hospitalized. She did so because she loved and cared about him, even if he was still fooling around. The fact that she didn't want to be with him anymore didn't mean she didn't suffer when he suffered.

 

She added, save your tears for people worth shedding them for. She doesn't love you. I hope you finally understand that.

 

I did.

 

That was the last time I read anything she sent.

 

Months prior my therapist said my eX was an angry and miserable person inside who will always seek to be surrounded by problems.

 

I guess she was right.

Edited February 8, 2015 by Ralph79