Tips on healing

[gettingstronger]

I would say the first basic question someone needs to ask themselves in order to heal is this:

 

Do I WANT to

 

 

While I understand your basic premise, there are so many other factors involved like life experiences, mental well being, the WS, family, jobs, etc.. that makes that statement a bit too simplistic-

 

For example- today marks the 65th day in a row that our OW has in some way intruded in our life- this is 2 years past dday, she will back off for a week, a month or whatever and then all of a sudden intrude again- does she not want to get over it, I have no idea-does it make it harder for me to get over it-well, yes- do I know that she "wins" when she puts a road bump in my healing, yes- but you know what- I am human and no matter what I "want" unfortunately my husband has put me in a position where my life is not always my own-

[duckrabbit]

I'm going to jump in here. What is the consensus on responsibility versus accountability? What are the differences? Where do they overlap? Discuss.

[autumnnight]

I would say the first basic question someone needs to ask themselves in order to heal is this:

 

Do I WANT to

 

 

While I understand your basic premise, there are so many other factors involved like life experiences, mental well being, the WS, family, jobs, etc.. that makes that statement a bit too simplistic-

 

For example- today marks the 65th day in a row that our OW has in some way intruded in our life- this is 2 years past dday, she will back off for a week, a month or whatever and then all of a sudden intrude again- does she not want to get over it, I have no idea-does it make it harder for me to get over it-well, yes- do I know that she "wins" when she puts a road bump in my healing, yes- but you know what- I am human and no matter what I "want" unfortunately my husband has put me in a position where my life is not always my own-

 

You are absolutely correct. In your situation there is no way to just make a choice and get to work on it. Other people are intruding into your life. However, in a situation where the WS is repentant, has changed, years have passed, there are no more intrusions by the AP, and expect for the fact that the past never disappears, the A is essentially NOT a legitimate day to day defining factor......then want to is a big fundamental key.

[badkarma2013]

I'm going to jump in here. What is the consensus on responsibility versus accountability? What are the differences? Where do they overlap? Discuss.

 

"In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility." And we are held accountable for those Choices.....Always...

[Confused48]

Yes my new WILL is being drawn up with codicils attached.

Yes the house will solely be in my name soon.

Absolutely he now has NO access to my monies (I am the major breadwinner and we do half child care). This is addressing his attitude of entitlement very well. He appreciates what he took for granted for years.

I am doing many things now as though going through settlement. Yeah he knows and is fine with it all because he's showing the commitment he needs to from his side to remain married. I'm not using him. As far as I'm concerned, he's used all of me for too long. Tables are now turned. He has to shape up by any means possible or end of. He's only got ONE chance and only THIS time to R. I'm amazed I've given him a second chance and so is he. WH thanks me alot for this and for supporting him. He knows my exit plan in detail and it can activate from any time mid year. He also knows the children agree to my plan but would prefer us to all be together ONLY if we're happy.

 

You likely need a post nup. Depending upon where you live you could be hit with supporting him if you divorce.

 

Sorry for the TJ, Duckrabbit. I could not PM Loinheart.

[Confused48]

You can criticize my advice all you want, but don't pretend you know anything about me or Non-Parental Custody law.

 

I am an attorney and I practiced family law.

 

You are entitled to your opinion but pontificating on a subject you have no experience with is pretty hollow.

 

Yet you are fond of telling people to kick their WS to the curb, even though you have no experience with that.

[drifter777]

I am an attorney and I practiced family law.

 

If this is true then you know what I'm saying is exactly on point. And you would be familiar with this:

 

The U.S. Supreme Court has consistently protected parental rights, including it among those rights deemed fundamental. As a fundamental right, parental liberty is to be protected by the highest standard of review: the compelling interest test.

 

As can be seen from the cases described above, parental rights have reached their highest level of protection in over 75 years. The Court decisively confirmed these rights in the recent case of Troxel v. Granville, which should serve to maintain and protect parental rights for many years to come.

 

Non-parental custody has never been more difficult to gain and keep. My grandson is too precious to risk him living with junkies.

 

Yet you are fond of telling people to kick their WS to the curb, even though you have no experience with that.

 

I have lots of experience with the other side of this and am quite qualified to admonish BH's of the danger of a reconciliation that might save a marriage in which they will live unhappily ever after.

[drifter777]

I actually agree with autumnnight on this one. And I DO have practical experience with it.

 

The BS's that have chosen to reconcile, but are still struggling 10 and 20 years later need to take some accountability and either make the choice to move forward in a positive meaningful way, or to split.

 

Anyone who has read your story knows that you are very very unhappy and feel trapped. And as difficult a choice as you are being forced to make...it's STILL a choice. You CAN forgive. You CAN become a loving partner. You CAN spend the rest of your life working toward meeting eachother's needs and rebuilding your relationship.

 

But you have decided that it's too hard, so you're going to continue to plod along in this unhappy, unhealthy and tenuous partnership for the sake of your grandkid.

 

drifter, is that isn't a choice...what is?

 

I'm not trying to be argumentative either. I REALLY hope you can find peace. But most of that is up to you. And the longer you allow it to elude you, the more it becomes your own responsibility.

 

This was my experience anyway. I literally looked in the mirror and said " T&B, you gotta move forward. So just try to be a loving, caring forgiving husband, and see how that goes." And it's working. Not just for my marriage, but for my sanity, and overall outlook as well. I feel like I'm "back."

 

Good luck man.

And it matters how that its my responsibility? I tell my story and I own my decision to stay. I regret making that decision when all this happened, but choosing to stay after my kids grew up is on me. That's when we finally faced reality. We were well on our way toward finally resolving this one way or another when we become parents again and I made the decision to stay. Just because I take responsibility for my decision doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. Its never been resolved and I don't think it ever will but I do have hope. Kind of like John Adams finally finding peace of mind after decades of unresolved feelings.

 

I wish you and everyone else would stop telling me that forgiveness is a choice. The original reason I came to LS was due to my internet searches on how to find forgiveness for a cheating wife. I've purchased several books and read countless blogs & published articles on the subject. As even you might agree, it means different things to different people. The ability to forgive such a betrayal is not always possible and acceptance is as close as many can get. If I said "ok - I forgive you" to my wife it would not be true and just saying it would not help me resolve her infidelity.

[badkarma2013]

I am an attorney and I practiced family law.

 

 

 

Yet you are fond of telling people to kick their WS to the curb, even though you have no experience with that.

 

You need to ease up on drifter...I have read many of your earlier (2013+) post re Infidelity in your house...and if might say you were as LOST as anyone here ..

 

From your writings (having a J.D. after your name or not) you had no idea what direction to take...

 

WE ALL have experianced the horrors of Infidelity and drifter is still suffering ...he has not" kicked his wife to the curb" as you put it..but he can DA&N well tell others what is like to live in false R...and the nightmares that it brings years later..

 

I have experiance as a BH...I put her SH^T on the patio and proceeded to burn everything to the ground... (My WWs words were"there is nothing but ASH left".) I knew it would never end for me so I ENDED IT....

 

Just because he has NOT done it today..AS with me...Tomorrow is another day..

Edited February 5, 2015 by badkarma2013

[Confused48]

 

I have experiance as a BH...I put her SH^T on the patio and proceeded to burn everything to the ground...

 

Yes, fine. I was just noting that Drifter told someone else their opinion was worthless bc they did not have experience. I'm not saying people with no experience can't comment or that their comments are worthless. That was Drifter that said that.

[autumnnight]

And it matters how that its my responsibility? I tell my story and I own my decision to stay. I regret making that decision when all this happened, but choosing to stay after my kids grew up is on me. That's when we finally faced reality. We were well on our way toward finally resolving this one way or another when we become parents again and I made the decision to stay. Just because I take responsibility for my decision doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. Its never been resolved and I don't think it ever will but I do have hope. Kind of like John Adams finally finding peace of mind after decades of unresolved feelings.

 

I wish you and everyone else would stop telling me that forgiveness is a choice. The original reason I came to LS was due to my internet searches on how to find forgiveness for a cheating wife. I've purchased several books and read countless blogs & published articles on the subject. As even you might agree, it means different things to different people. The ability to forgive such a betrayal is not always possible and acceptance is as close as many can get. If I said "ok - I forgive you" to my wife it would not be true and just saying it would not help me resolve her infidelity.

 

I think the problem with anyone's choices is when they continue to complain about what they have chosen. Would you join a weight program where the receptionist, doctor, and representative were all obese?

 

This thread is about healing. When someone does not want to take any steps to heal, I do not understand the interest in such a thread, unless it is to just come in and tell people that healing isn't possible, which is kind of counter-productive and self-centered.

[drifter777]

I think the problem with anyone's choices is when they continue to complain about what they have chosen. Would you join a weight program where the receptionist, doctor, and representative were all obese?

 

This thread is about healing. When someone does not want to take any steps to heal, I do not understand the interest in such a thread, unless it is to just come in and tell people that healing isn't possible, which is kind of counter-productive and self-centered.

Did you even read the post? Don't bother responding, I'll never see it.

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

The ability to forgive such a betrayal is not always possible and acceptance is as close as many can get. If I said "ok - I forgive you" to my wife it would not be true and just saying it would not help me resolve her infidelity.

 

Herein lies our fundamental difference of opinion. I happen to believe that forgiveness IS always possible. Like you said, that means different things to different people, and apparently for the two of us, forgiveness does not have the same definition.

 

My wife's acts are unforgivable in the traditional sense...the way you would forgive a "error." But I choose to understand the reasons WHY she made her poor choices, and I choose to treat her with love and respect and to act in such a way that proves I am not holding the past over her head. She does enough of that to herself.

 

She begged for a second chance, and I agreed to give it to her, and with that comes a lot of work on my side. Yes... in the beginning there is a lot of "fake it til you make it" going on, but over time, you can actually make it!

 

Will I ever get over the betrayal? No. Nor should I be expected to. It's a reality in our relationship, and nothing that happens can ever "resolve" that. It will never go away, and I will never feel good about it. But I CAN move past it.

 

But I get one life to live, and I've chosen to give my wife a second chance to be a part of it. Spending it being unhappy and clinging to the worst point in my life makes little sense to me.

 

Funny, she is sitting right across from me on her computer as well, as we are both working from home today. I could easily strike up a conversation about what happen or try to get further resolution..OR... I can just go sit next to her and for no good reason give her a kiss, and tell her I love her.

 

Guess what I'm about to go do?

[drifter777]

Herein lies our fundamental difference of opinion. I happen to believe that forgiveness IS always possible. Like you said, that means different things to different people, and apparently for the two of us, forgiveness does not have the same definition.

 

My wife's acts are unforgivable in the traditional sense...the way you would forgive a "error." But I choose to understand the reasons WHY she made her poor choices, and I choose to treat her with love and respect and to act in such a way that proves I am not holding the past over her head. She does enough of that to herself.

 

For you it is a choice. I'm not made that way. As I keep saying, if I "choose" to forgive her it is a lie. I have to feel that level of empathy and sympathy it takes to grant forgiveness. I don't feel it and I won't lie to myself.

 

She begged for a second chance, and I agreed to give it to her, and with that comes a lot of work on my side. Yes... in the beginning there is a lot of "fake it til you make it" going on, but over time, you can actually make it!

 

I understand. You were able to make it. I'm not you.

 

Will I ever get over the betrayal? No. Nor should I be expected to. It's a reality in our relationship, and nothing that happens can ever "resolve" that. It will never go away, and I will never feel good about it. But I CAN move past it.

 

But I get one life to live, and I've chosen to give my wife a second chance to be a part of it. Spending it being unhappy and clinging to the worst point in my life makes little sense to me.

 

The word "clinging" implies a choice. Like you could let go but you choose not to. This is not the case for many of us.

 

I don't know what your trying to convince me of with all of this. You have forgiven - I get that. I cannot forgive - get it?

[Ralph79]

For you it is a choice. I'm not made that way. As I keep saying, if I "choose" to forgive her it is a lie. I have to feel that level of empathy and sympathy it takes to grant forgiveness. I don't feel it and I won't lie to myself.

 

Forgiveness is always a choice. BUT I will add the following:

 

If a stranger punches me in the face, and asks for forgiveness laughing, I will not forgive him. There is NOTHING to gain from forgiving that person, thus my CHOICE is pretty one sided and clear. But it IS nonetheless a choice. I can punch him back, ignore him or try to understand why he would harm me. It's my choice.

 

In regards to affairs, if attaining the level of trust and fulfillment that existed between you and your spouse prior to the affair is not something worth fighting for, then the choice to NOT forgive will be pretty much one sided thus it will appear as there's "no choice" at all. But there is always a choice. You don't forgive to forget, you forgive to heal. If the aggressor continues to hurt you and deters the healing process then you move on and you put yourself in a position where you don't need to keep on forgiving.

 

I think the argument is a matter of wording more than principle.

[drifter777]

Forgiveness is always a choice. BUT I will add the following:

 

If a stranger punches me in the face, and asks for forgiveness laughing, I will not forgive him. There is NOTHING to gain from forgiving that person, thus my CHOICE is pretty one sided and clear. But it IS nonetheless a choice. I can punch him back, ignore him or try to understand why he would harm me. It's my choice.

 

In regards to affairs, if attaining the level of trust and fulfillment that existed between you and your spouse prior to the affair is not something worth fighting for, then the choice to NOT forgive will be pretty much one sided thus it will appear as there's "no choice" at all. But there is always a choice. You don't forgive to forget, you forgive to heal. If the aggressor continues to hurt you and deters the healing process then you move on and you put yourself in a position where you don't need to keep on forgiving.

 

I think the argument is a matter of wording more than principle.

 

The essence of the argument is this:

 

you forgive to heal

 

I don't believe this is true. It is backwards, and I believe this to be rug sweeping in hopes that faking it plus time will do the healing. For me:

 

You start to heal and then you can start to forgive

 

Both healing and forgiveness are process.

[RightThere]

I wish you and everyone else would stop telling me that forgiveness is a choice. The original reason I came to LS was due to my internet searches on how to find forgiveness for a cheating wife. I've purchased several books and read countless blogs & published articles on the subject. As even you might agree, it means different things to different people. The ability to forgive such a betrayal is not always possible and acceptance is as close as many can get. If I said "ok - I forgive you" to my wife it would not be true and just saying it would not help me resolve her infidelity.

 

Do you think your wife is remorseful? Or just regretful?

 

Not sure if you're in the same conundrum I find myself in, but I argue with my wife that she's not remorseful. She is regretful, but she's not remorseful today. I see it often from WSs here that go through R and after time (usually a year or more) they have a light come on and actually become remorseful for everything they did.

 

I'm sure you've said before you think your wife is just sorry she got caught. I'm sure she feels badly for the hurt it caused, but maybe you don't see her as remorseful enough. If so, what does being remorseful look like to you. I ask, because I'm not sure what it looks like to me.

[JohnAdams]

Do you think your wife is remorseful? Or just regretful?

 

Not sure if you're in the same conundrum I find myself in, but I argue with my wife that she's not remorseful. She is regretful, but she's not remorseful today. I see it often from WSs here that go through R and after time (usually a year or more) they have a light come on and actually become remorseful for everything they did.

 

I'm sure you've said before you think your wife is just sorry she got caught. I'm sure she feels badly for the hurt it caused, but maybe you don't see her as remorseful enough. If so, what does being remorseful look like to you. I ask, because I'm not sure what it looks like to me.

 

 

 

Good questions. I wondered for a long time; what is remorse? What does it look like? Does my wife feel remorse? There is certainly a difference in being sorry, regretful and remorseful. I had no doubt my wife was sorry, and I certainly think she regretted it but, I had my doubts on remorse. So what is remorse; per my wife, "Remorse....not just being sorry for what I had done...feeling in the depths of my soul HIS pain....the pain that I caused." So, to have true remorse, you must understand the pain and damage caused and by understanding this damage, have a strong understanding of why you could never do this again.

[Sticky Fingers]

How you define forgiveness will determine whether you will be forever be stuck in place or move on with your life. If it depends on the actions of others, then you'll be waiting a long, long time while your offenders will have moved on with their lives and forgotten all about you. They really don't need your "forgiveness". Now, if your forgiveness is defined by purging the anger and bitterness out of your heart and mind, while still implementing just consequences to your offenders, then you will be able to move on and live your life to the fullest. This type of forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself NOT to others.

 

I know I will be flamed for saying this but deep down, some people don't want to move on. They have grown so attached to the anger and bitterness, that they are afraid of letting them go because they feel vulnerable without them.

 

Contrary to popular belief, emotions can be controlled. Emotions are like brats, the sooner you start reining them in by using your conscious mind, the sooner they will know who is the master.

[autumnnight]

I know I will be flamed for saying this but deep down, some people don't want to move on. They have grown so attached to the anger and bitterness, that they are afraid of letting them go because they feel vulnerable without them.

 

Contrary to popular belief, emotions can be controlled. Emotions are like brats, the sooner you start reining them in by using your conscious mind, the sooner they will know who is the master.

 

Absolutely true

[TrustedthenBusted]

For you it is a choice. I'm not made that way. As I keep saying, if I "choose" to forgive her it is a lie. I have to feel that level of empathy and sympathy it takes to grant forgiveness. I don't feel it and I won't lie to myself.

 

 

 

I understand. You were able to make it. I'm not you.

 

 

 

The word "clinging" implies a choice. Like you could let go but you choose not to. This is not the case for many of us.

 

I don't know what your trying to convince me of with all of this. You have forgiven - I get that. I cannot forgive - get it?

 

To be clear, I'm not trying to convince you of anything. I agreed at the very beginning that we see it all differently.

 

I was just describing MY experience and feelings.

 

I wish you shared my outlook, as I think it could only help you, but I understand that you feel that you cannot. ( versus WILL not. )

 

You may never be able to find forgiveness, but I hope you can somehow find happiness.

[drifter777]

Do you think your wife is remorseful? Or just regretful?

 

Not sure if you're in the same conundrum I find myself in, but I argue with my wife that she's not remorseful. She is regretful, but she's not remorseful today. I see it often from WSs here that go through R and after time (usually a year or more) they have a light come on and actually become remorseful for everything they did.

 

I'm sure you've said before you think your wife is just sorry she got caught. I'm sure she feels badly for the hurt it caused, but maybe you don't see her as remorseful enough. If so, what does being remorseful look like to you. I ask, because I'm not sure what it looks like to me.

 

My wife wasn't caught - she threw it in my face like a glass of acid. During a rough time in our marriage she just decided to become single again while on a vacation with her family. Only she didn't tell me. Until she got back when she said "I met someone else - you need to move out because he's following me back here." Kind of like a high school breakup instead of a 7 year marriage with a 6 year-old son.

 

Sorry she hurt me? Yes, I don't think she thought one bit about my feelings then - only her narcissistic, immature self. Over the years but has seen my pain. It still feels like "sorry - not sorry". Regretful? No, I don't believe she regrets it. She feels she was entitled to do it because our marriage was hard and I didn't ride a white horse. Remorse? Without regret there can be no remorse.

 

She says she wants to help me heal but doesn't know how. How can I ever tell her she has to feel emotions that she's never felt?

[Ralph79]

The essence of the argument is this:

 

you forgive to heal

 

I don't believe this is true. It is backwards, and I believe this to be rug sweeping in hopes that faking it plus time will do the healing. For me:

 

You start to heal and then you can start to forgive

 

Both healing and forgiveness are process.

 

I didn't mean it as a sequence, I meant it as a purpose. You're probably right about the order. What I was trying to convey was that you can't get better staying bitter.

 

The whole point of forgiving is freeing yourself of the prison within. Granted in almost all cases the aggressors needs to do a great deal on their part to be able to forgive them.

 

By the way I want to apologize for jumping into the thread and dishing out opinions prior to reading your whole story. You have so many posts lol.

 

I understand you better now, which bring me to what you said: "I have to feel that level of empathy and sympathy it takes to grant forgiveness. I don't feel it and I won't lie to myself"

 

Which in turn reminds me of something I read somewhere a long time ago, that stuck with me.

 

A little boy punched his sister. Their dad as a means to punish the boy grabbed a hammer and a big bucket of nails. He told his son he wouldn't be allowed back into the house until he was either sorry, or he finished banging all the nails into their fence. After several failed attempts to convince his father he was sorry, the boy finished hammering the last nail into the fence and went crying back to the door. His dad opened the door next to his daughter and asked the boy, "what do you have to say for yourself?" The kid said he was sorry, too ashamed and tired to even make eye contact with his sister.

 

She went upstairs crying feeling bad for everything that had happened but not really able to forgive her brother. The next day the dad took his son back out to the fence and said "Ok. You are going to fix this fence.". The boy sighed in disbelief but started taking out nail by nail. After several hours the boy finally finished taking out all the nails he had hammered in the day prior. He looked at the punctured fence and told his dad: "I don't think we can even repair this fence anymore". His dad told him: "This, my son, is what you have done to your sister. You've left a hole inside of her heart that will stay with her forever.". The boy upon looking at the destroyed fence was overwhelmed with grief and ran into the house to hug and kiss his sister pleading for forgiveness. The girl saw that he understood how hurt she was and forgave him".

 

Maybe that's the level of empathy you need?

 

I might as well share something I've previously posted

 

My ex-wife married me with an alimony plan in mind. She confessed to it after. She confessed to aborting the only child we were expecting because she didn't want an ugly baby, she wanted a donor or preferably her xBF's semen. She literally proposed to have an open marriage because I didn't cut it in bed. And as if that weren't enough, I caught her pleasing herself videochatting with her xBF at night while I was sleeping next to her. She left to be with her xBF and I was .... inexperienced to deal with it to say the least.

 

Anyways, 3 months later she comes back crying and weeping saying she couldn't believe what a monster she had turned into. She pleaded for a chance to be the wife I deserved. I bought into it. I felt the so called "empathy". I was dumb. I was obsessed with her at the time. I didn't listen to sane advice from everyone.

 

After my dad passed away she left me, because she knew she wasn't going to get a penny from his will. She confessed to our counselor in front of me, that she only came back because her siblings got violent with her at her troubled household and that she had nowhere to turn to but me. She needed to convince me she loved me because she couldn't risk me turning her down. But she was now ready to attempt to renew her relationship with her xBF for the 4th of 5th time , I lost track.

 

My point is, believe it or not, I am TRYING really hard to forgive her. Not to be her friend. I wouldn't trust her EVER again. I wouldn't seek her either. The experience was really painful to me. But I want to smile and remember the few good moments I lived, so I'm trying to swallow the bitter pill that was our relationship because I want to be free from the monster that's in my head. I will not allow her to turn me into a bitter victim of her schemes. It hasn't been easy to forgive her, but I am trying, for my sake. So I know it must be difficult for you to forgive as well. But it's for your sake, not anyone else's. For me forgiving means letting go of the bitterness, not necessarily trusting again.

[Mrs. John Adams]

A little boy punched his sister. Their dad as a means to punish the boy grabbed a hammer and a big bucket of nails. He told his son he wouldn't be allowed back into the house until he was either sorry, or he finished banging all the nails into their fence. After several failed attempts to convince his father he was sorry, the boy finished hammering the last nail into the fence and went crying back to the door. His dad opened the door next to his daughter and asked the boy, "what do you have to say for yourself?" The kid said he was sorry, too ashamed and tired to even make eye contact with his sister.

 

She went upstairs crying feeling bad for everything that had happened but not really able to forgive her brother. The next day the dad took his son back out to the fence and said "Ok. You are going to fix this fence.". The boy sighed in disbelief but started taking out nail by nail. After several hours the boy finally finished taking out all the nails he had hammered in the day prior. He looked at the punctured fence and told his dad: "I don't think we can even repair this fence anymore". His dad told him: "This, my son, is what you have done to your sister. You've left a hole inside of her heart that will stay with her forever.". The boy upon looking at the destroyed fence was overwhelmed with grief and ran into the house to hug and kiss his sister pleading for forgiveness. The girl saw that he understood how hurt she was and forgave him".

 

 

Ralph....I want to thank you for this....It is perfect. You have me in tears....

Sometimes I try so hard to explain where i have been and where i am now as a FWW. this little story....says it all.

 

I was that little boy....for thirty years....I was sorry....but i never understood the depths of the pain John carried until i truly realized it was up to me to fix the holes i had left in his broken heart...and i knew i could never give him what he wanted....to make the holes go away. The grief i feel because it is my fault...i did it...never leaves my mind. At times...it becomes overwhelming and i truly would move heaven and earth if i could take it away.

Edited February 7, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams

[autumnnight]

A little boy punched his sister. Their dad as a means to punish the boy grabbed a hammer and a big bucket of nails. He told his son he wouldn't be allowed back into the house until he was either sorry, or he finished banging all the nails into their fence. After several failed attempts to convince his father he was sorry, the boy finished hammering the last nail into the fence and went crying back to the door. His dad opened the door next to his daughter and asked the boy, "what do you have to say for yourself?" The kid said he was sorry, too ashamed and tired to even make eye contact with his sister.

 

She went upstairs crying feeling bad for everything that had happened but not really able to forgive her brother. The next day the dad took his son back out to the fence and said "Ok. You are going to fix this fence.". The boy sighed in disbelief but started taking out nail by nail. After several hours the boy finally finished taking out all the nails he had hammered in the day prior. He looked at the punctured fence and told his dad: "I don't think we can even repair this fence anymore". His dad told him: "This, my son, is what you have done to your sister. You've left a hole inside of her heart that will stay with her forever.". The boy upon looking at the destroyed fence was overwhelmed with grief and ran into the house to hug and kiss his sister pleading for forgiveness. The girl saw that he understood how hurt she was and forgave him".

 

 

Ralph....I want to thank you for this....It is perfect. You have me in tears....

Sometimes I try so hard to explain where i have been and where i am now as a FWW. this little story....says it all.

 

I was that little boy....for thirty years....I was sorry....but i never understood the depths of the pain John carried until i truly realized it was up to me to fix the holes i had left in his broken heart...and i knew i could never give him what he wanted....to make the holes go away. The grief i feel because it is my fault...i did it...never leaves my mind. At times...it becomes overwhelming and i truly would move heaven and earth if i could take it away.

 

This is a beautiful story. I had read it before.

 

Here is a question. Do you think that you and Mr. Adams could have healed - REALLY healed - if Mr. Adams had decided to build a house around that holey fence and make sure he led you there to look at it every. single. day. for the rest of your life?

 

Because that IS what some people want. They want to chain their spouse to the holey fence so they will never forget. Or THEY want to carry that fence around like a shield, saying, "See what he/she did to my fence?!?"