The back peddler

[LookAtThisPOst]

Well, I had been on 3 dates with a woman that claimed she was attracted to me and had seen long term potential with me, but then later revealed, "Well, when I said I was attracted to you...I meant it in a friendship kind of way."

 

And I'm thinking, "What other kind of attraction is there?" The only reason I continued to see her was for that reason.

 

She also let me continue to pay for her meals, open car doors, and also flirt a bit with me as we dated. She said she really enjoys my company, but never really intended to do anything romantic with me...as she's "new to Meetup, and trying to network and make new friends."

 

I mean, none of you were there, but I felt she led me on and then back peddled when I called her on what she said at the end of our 2nd date (the fact she was attracted, and wanted to continue to see me indefinitely).

 

She said to me yesterday she wasn't "at that point yet" for anything romantic, and did mention that most of her relationships started off as friendships. She said when she wanted to continue to "see me", she meant it in a friendship fashion, nothing romantic.

 

When she attempted to "clarify" the situation, I said, "That's not what you said to me last time." and she said, laughing nervously, "What am I, under the 'hot lamp' here?"

 

So basically, when I called her on what she had told me in the past, she did a serious series of back peddling attempts, only for me to counter argue every arguement she made.

 

She said she would still like to continue to see me, but if I want to go dutch, that's okay, too.

 

I said, "I'll think about it, as I was really starting to like you romantically, but...I'm not sure."

 

She went on to tell me that she always disliked the fact that every guy she's attempted to be "friends" with, cut contact with her...and the fact she's rathe r new in town....and really just overall in general attempting to make friends (male or female) is really what her goal is these days. She's 51 by the way, just to give you an idea of her maturity level.

 

Also, never married and no children like myself. I think we had initially liked each other for that reason and also held dear to us our own parents, traditional values when it came to dating.

 

That being said, why do some women (or men) agree to go out on dates, call it "dating", but then back peddle stating, "Well, I was never really attracted to you...in THAT way, but I DO enjoy your company!"

 

( I am thinking...what other possible way could you be attracted to someone)

 

You see...the only reason I continued to see her is that she POINT BLANK told me she was attracted, because MOST women would be able to say, "I think you'r ea great guy, but I'm just not attracted" Where as she said she was attracted.

 

Yet, she continued to acknowledged what we had as being full fledged dates.

Edited February 2, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I don't think she's back peddling. She went about it in a ridiculous, ass backwards and completely dishonest way but it sounds like what she's trying to say is she was attracted....but, now she isn't. In other words, she's full of sh...uh, crap.

[insert_name]

'Plausible deniability' - quite a common tactic used when a girl gets called out on her intentions and then tries to claim that she always goes out for cosy, 1 on 1, candle lit dinners with her male friends!

 

As the poster above suggests, she has obviously lost romantic interest or had a better offer whilst not wanting to lose the goose that laid the golden egg (you) by being honest with youcurb. Ditch her and move on.

[preraph]

Just stop seeing her. She thought she might be attracted to you and then after she got to know you, she lost that feeling. That's what dating is about, unfortunately. Trying and not usually hitting a home run.

[Diezel]

To you, you were "dating". To her, you were "hanging out".

 

Same difference... because semantics. Just stop seeing her if you aren't interested that way. Or go out again and next time you split the bill. Ask her then if she has any single friends that might want to go out with you instead.

[GemmaUK]

She wasn't back peddling.

 

 

You knew from the start that she was looking for friends and then to see if anything developed 'over time'.

 

 

I remember asking you if she knew your date was a date and you said 'she should know'

 

 

She was attracted to you as a friend.

I'm wondering now whether she did know it was a date.

 

 

This was um...3/4 weeks ago you met?

You have met in person..what 3 times?

 

 

She hasn't done anything wrong. She has been clear.

If she refused to pay her share when out on your 2 meets then that is bad but if you insisted on paying then..that was your choice.

[LookAtThisPOst]

To clarify on our 2nd date she said she was attracted to me. When I walked her to her door. I had asked if she'd like yo see me again. She said she would and do so multiple times.

 

So it looks like things changed from the first to 2nd date.

 

I didn't follow up after the 2nd.

 

Also I Never insisted on paying and... she was always waiting for me to come around AND open the door for her which. makes it rather obvious that its a date.

 

 

[E=GemmaUK;6139332]She wasn't back peddling.

 

 

You knew from the start that she was looking for friends and then to see if anything developed 'over time'.

 

 

I remember asking you if she knew your date was a date and you said 'she should know'

 

 

She was attracted to you as a friend.

I'm wondering now whether she did know it was a date.

 

 

This was um...3/4 weeks ago you met?

You have met in person..what 3 times?

 

 

She hasn't done anything wrong. She has been clear.

If she refused to pay her share when out on your 2 meets then that is bad but if you insisted on paying then..that was your choice.

[LookAtThisPOst]

She also never refused me picking up the bill on all 3dates

[Tayla]

Attraction ...hmmmm....means different things. I have friends that for lack of a better word I am attracted to their humor, intellect or even their talents. It's a compliment in a human way.

 

Take it at face value. She finds you attractive in more ways then just the one sided "date" way. Some people meander into committed relations, and do not put a By the third date criterea on it. Rather laid back approach.

 

Slow it down and stop backing her into a corner, sounds to me that you are wanting a direct answer to a scenario that deserves more time to build.

 

I'd probably walk away from any guy who came off as an interrogator.

[MidwestUSA]

To clarify on our 2nd date she said she was attracted to me. When I walked her to her door. I had asked if she'd like yo see me again. She said she would and do so multiple times.

 

So it looks like things changed from the first to 2nd date.

 

I didn't follow up after the 2nd.

 

Also I Never insisted on paying and... she was always waiting for me to come around AND open the door for her which. makes it rather obvious that its a date.

 

Hmmm, I can go to lunch with my brother, and I'll wait for him to open the door for me. It's just something nice guys do. It certainly didn't indicate a date.

 

He also always pays. So, your girl 'never refused' you picking up the bill. Does that mean you just went for it, or she offered and you declined? 'I never insisted' and 'she never refused' are kind of odd ways to phrase it.

 

 

It sounds like she gave you a couple of 'dates' to see if she was into you 'that way', and discovered she wasn't. Try, try again.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Hmmm, I can go to lunch with my brother, and I'll wait for him to open the door for me. It's just something nice guys do. It certainly didn't indicate a date.

 

Not sure where this is even done...perhaps it's your culture or family that only does this, but you actually WAIT for your brother to walk around and open the passenger side car door for you? Sorry, this argument doesn't hold water.

 

He also always pays. So, your girl 'never refused' you picking up the bill. Does that mean you just went for it, or she offered and you declined? 'I never insisted' and 'she never refused' are kind of odd ways to phrase it.

 

This doesn't compare. Your brother always pays? You actually think using your brother as a comparison in this argument is any kind of legit argument? Answer...Nope!

[LookAtThisPOst]

I'd probably walk away from any guy who came off as an interrogator.

 

Interrogator is a misnomer here. In fact, she said she wanted me to be honest about my intentions with her yesterday...part of which was the confirmation of this going somewhere as a long term relationship (her words..L.T.R.) on that 2nd date.

 

She was likely quite baffled I even remembered that conversation.

[BlueIris]

I’d believe her that she was attracted and thought you two might have long-term potential, and that she changed her mind as you got to know each other. It’s difficult to tell someone that, so I think she was trying to be tactful and avoid discomfort for either of you.

 

Perhaps in the future spend less money on dates before you know each other well and know that you’re mutually developing a more serious intent so that you don’t feel resentful if it doesn’t work out.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I’d believe her that she was attracted and thought you two might have long-term potential, and that she changed her mind as you got to know each other. It’s difficult to tell someone that, so I think she was trying to be tactful and avoid discomfort for either of you.

 

Perhaps in the future spend less money on dates before you know each other well and know that you’re mutually developing a more serious intent so that you don’t feel resentful if it doesn’t work out.

 

I suppose so. She actually told me in the end that she's not sure "at this point" how to feel. She's new to Meetup and was actually happy to find someone that she got along with and I think I fulfilled some kind of void as I was the only person that ever clicked with her since she's joined the group. She was lonely and happy to at least have someone she was compatible with on SOME level.

[MidwestUSA]

Not sure where this is even done...perhaps it's your culture or family that only does this, but you actually WAIT for your brother to walk around and open the passenger side car door for you? Sorry, this argument doesn't hold water.

 

 

 

This doesn't compare. Your brother always pays? You actually think using your brother as a comparison in this argument is any kind of legit argument? Answer...Nope!

 

Well I guess it's my family AND culture. My point was that opening a door for someone, or giving them a chance to open it for you, doesn't imply a date. If that were the case, my husband picked up six elderly women at IHOP this morning. And I can't stop my brother from doing it for me, he's got more spring in his step. Must be all that running from the women chasing him.

 

As for paying, I guess you've learned that paying, or allowing her to allow you to pay, in it's passive way, doesn't make it a date either. Don't part with your money beyond the first perceived 'date' if you don't want to. She should have stepped up and offered to pay her share, even if it was a 'date'.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Well, after our coversation about where we stood that we had on Sun. morning...she texted me last night basically saying "Hi, and that she had a long work day and hoping everything is well with me." Like she's usually been doing (even during the time I was 'dating') her...so we'll see on this one since she's still keeping in touch...means here interest in me is still there.

 

My parents would laugh at this modern day dating crap....it was pretty black and white with our parents and grand parents....either it was a date or it was not (meaning they never even accept the date invite.)

 

They would tease me by saying, "So how was your da......or whatever they are calling it these days? lol!"

 

Personally, I think she was lonely as she has no real friends currently in her life ...at all....right now I'm the only "friend" she's got.

Edited February 3, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst

[GemmaUK]

Actually, it sounds like she may have thought there was potential but found something she didn't like so it's just friends for her. Which is fine by you anyway as it was OK to be friends initially.

 

 

This is why people date after all - to see whether or not we want to continue dating.

 

 

If as you say she is not wanting to date then she is just being friends and she never saw it as more than that.

 

 

So, all is clear and it was from when you first met.

[EngnimaticResponse]

To the OP, and everyone else who didn't notice, a back-PEDALER is one going in reverse. A back PEDDLER is.. something else.

[EngnimaticResponse]

Well, I had been on 3 dates with a woman that claimed she was attracted to me and had seen long term potential with me, but then later revealed, "Well, when I said I was attracted to you...I meant it in a friendship kind of way."

 

And I'm thinking, "What other kind of attraction is there?" The only reason I continued to see her was for that reason.

 

She also let me continue to pay for her meals, open car doors, and also flirt a bit with me as we dated. She said she really enjoys my company, but never really intended to do anything romantic with me...as she's "new to Meetup, and trying to network and make new friends."

 

I mean, none of you were there, but I felt she led me on and then back peddled when I called her on what she said at the end of our 2nd date (the fact she was attracted, and wanted to continue to see me indefinitely).

 

She said to me yesterday she wasn't "at that point yet" for anything romantic, and did mention that most of her relationships started off as friendships. She said when she wanted to continue to "see me", she meant it in a friendship fashion, nothing romantic.

 

When she attempted to "clarify" the situation, I said, "That's not what you said to me last time." and she said, laughing nervously, "What am I, under the 'hot lamp' here?"

 

So basically, when I called her on what she had told me in the past, she did a serious series of back peddling attempts, only for me to counter argue every arguement she made.

 

She said she would still like to continue to see me, but if I want to go dutch, that's okay, too.

 

I said, "I'll think about it, as I was really starting to like you romantically, but...I'm not sure."

 

She went on to tell me that she always disliked the fact that every guy she's attempted to be "friends" with, cut contact with her...and the fact she's rathe r new in town....and really just overall in general attempting to make friends (male or female) is really what her goal is these days. She's 51 by the way, just to give you an idea of her maturity level.

 

Also, never married and no children like myself. I think we had initially liked each other for that reason and also held dear to us our own parents, traditional values when it came to dating.

 

That being said, why do some women (or men) agree to go out on dates, call it "dating", but then back peddle stating, "Well, I was never really attracted to you...in THAT way, but I DO enjoy your company!"

 

( I am thinking...what other possible way could you be attracted to someone)

 

You see...the only reason I continued to see her is that she POINT BLANK told me she was attracted, because MOST women would be able to say, "I think you'r ea great guy, but I'm just not attracted" Where as she said she was attracted.

 

Yet, she continued to acknowledged what we had as being full fledged dates.

 

I have no trouble opening/holding doors. It's called being a gentleman, and costs me nothing. I do not, however, make it a point to pay for my Friend's meals. They can pay their own way.

Edited February 4, 2015 by EngnimaticResponse

[MidwestUSA]

To the OP, and everyone else who didn't notice, a back-PEDALER is one going in reverse. A back PEDDLER is.. something else.

 

 

 

Good catch, ER!

[kendahke]

Well, I had been on 3 dates with a woman that claimed she was attracted to me and had seen long term potential with me, but then later revealed, "Well, when I said I was attracted to you...I meant it in a friendship kind of way."

 

And I'm thinking, "What other kind of attraction is there?" The only reason I continued to see her was for that reason.

 

She also let me continue to pay for her meals, open car doors, and also flirt a bit with me as we dated. She said she really enjoys my company, but never really intended to do anything romantic with me...as she's "new to Meetup, and trying to network and make new friends."

 

I mean, none of you were there, but I felt she led me on and then back peddled when I called her on what she said at the end of our 2nd date (the fact she was attracted, and wanted to continue to see me indefinitely).

 

She said to me yesterday she wasn't "at that point yet" for anything romantic, and did mention that most of her relationships started off as friendships. She said when she wanted to continue to "see me", she meant it in a friendship fashion, nothing romantic.

 

When she attempted to "clarify" the situation, I said, "That's not what you said to me last time." and she said, laughing nervously, "What am I, under the 'hot lamp' here?"

 

So basically, when I called her on what she had told me in the past, she did a serious series of back peddling attempts, only for me to counter argue every arguement she made.

 

She said she would still like to continue to see me, but if I want to go dutch, that's okay, too.

 

I said, "I'll think about it, as I was really starting to like you romantically, but...I'm not sure."

 

She went on to tell me that she always disliked the fact that every guy she's attempted to be "friends" with, cut contact with her...and the fact she's rathe r new in town....and really just overall in general attempting to make friends (male or female) is really what her goal is these days. She's 51 by the way, just to give you an idea of her maturity level.

 

Also, never married and no children like myself. I think we had initially liked each other for that reason and also held dear to us our own parents, traditional values when it came to dating.

 

That being said, why do some women (or men) agree to go out on dates, call it "dating", but then back peddle stating, "Well, I was never really attracted to you...in THAT way, but I DO enjoy your company!"

 

( I am thinking...what other possible way could you be attracted to someone)

 

You see...the only reason I continued to see her is that she POINT BLANK told me she was attracted, because MOST women would be able to say, "I think you'r ea great guy, but I'm just not attracted" Where as she said she was attracted.

 

Yet, she continued to acknowledged what we had as being full fledged dates.

 

Because while she may have felt that way last week or two weeks ago, at some point in your presence, you either did or said something that made her take a step back out of romantic head space and into critically analyzing what went down and if she really wants to take on that energy yet again.

[GemmaUK]

To the OP, and everyone else who didn't notice, a back-PEDALER is one going in reverse. A back PEDDLER is.. something else.

 

 

Doh!

 

 

Kicking myself for not spotting that!

 

 

I do actually pay for a friend of mine a fair bit when we go out. She helps me out in various ways though so it's a fair swap in my opinion.

 

 

OP, you could just keep dates cheap/free instead of shelling out when in this kind of scenario where you are aware that she is not going to rush into relationship status with someone until she is sure about wanting to have a long term relationship.

 

 

I always think dating is about seeing how you get on though and finding out similar or dissimilar values, seeing what the other person is like rather than knowing that a date or 3 in this case is going to lead anywhere beyond a few fun dates.

I take things day by day and things usually work out OK.

 

 

After my last experience though I think I now would ask the 'intentions' question if early on I was feeling like it was going too fast.

[kendahke]

I suppose so. She actually told me in the end that she's not sure "at this point" how to feel. She's new to Meetup and was actually happy to find someone that she got along with and I think I fulfilled some kind of void as I was the only person that ever clicked with her since she's joined the group. She was lonely and happy to at least have someone she was compatible with on SOME level.

 

so you're not flexible enough to be her friend while still looking for someone else to be romantically involved with?

 

Where exactly did you take her on these 3 dates? The guy I'm getting to know and I have met up twice since Sunday. We met for coffee first and then saw each other day before yesterday at the mall where we walked around the mall and grabbed a cup of coffee. I was going to pay, but he handed the guy his credit card before I got mine out of my wallet. No candle lit dinners--in fact, I declined every time he asked me if I wanted to eat something.

 

A good rule of thumb: avoid romantic type setting like dinner and go for a walk and a cup of coffee.

[LookAtThisPOst]

A good rule of thumb: avoid romantic type setting like dinner and go for a walk and a cup of coffee.

 

The rule is only subjective. I took her to dinner (not sure why you're throwing "romantic" behind dinner, is it assumptive that dinner is already romantic? LOL) and then we played mini golf on one of the dates. Not sure why you're touting this as a "rule of thumb". Funny.

[rester]

To clarify on our 2nd date she said she was attracted to me. When I walked her to her door. I had asked if she'd like yo see me again. She said she would and do so multiple times.

 

So it looks like things changed from the first to 2nd date.

 

I didn't follow up after the 2nd.

 

Also I Never insisted on paying and... she was always waiting for me to come around AND open the door for her which. makes it rather obvious that its a date.

 

It sounds like she told you weeks ago she was just looking for friends, after your first date.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/512175-emotional-availability#post6122120

 

From January 22nd:

Gemma, good point...the woman I met recently, we went on a wonderful date together...first a festival, then dinner, and then walk in the park, talking even more.

 

She enjoyed our time, but did let me know that since she's new to Meetup and socializing since the death of her mother, she's wanting to focus on friendships...if a relationship becomes of such a friendship as ours, then more power to us.

 

She said she's vulnerable at this transitional period in her life as she gets her feet wet into a new social life and exploring the outside world as she had been rather reclusive for a time.

 

I don't agree with her accepting two more dates from you, but I'm not sure why this is a surprise to you now. When a woman says things like what she told you on your first date, it's your cue to not continue pursuing a romantic relationship.