Best Way to Handle an Ex that won't go away

[katinlc]

Hi all,

 

 

I would love to get some advice on how to handle this situation as I have never encountered it before. I have been engaged to my fiancé for almost 2 months and we are getting married in June. Love him, we are happy, and all that wonderful jazz.

 

 

He has an ex that he has quite a history with. They have been friends since high school (we are in our 30's) and they have also dated on/off over all these years. She's really not that great of friend to him as she will disappear on him for months/years and then pop back up when it is convenient for her or she needs something from him. I have never met her, but his brother/sil says she is crazy and is so glad he is finally realizing that and has moved on from her.

 

 

Anyways, he hadn't heard from her since a couple of months before we started dating. She called him on his birthday in January and he didn't answer and just deleted the voicemail. A couple of weeks later she texts him - you can't hide from me forever. He sends back a really classy text about how he is getting married and starting a new chapter and he thinks it is best they part ways and he hopes she respects his decision. This starts a barrage of texts from her that he does not respond to and they escalate into anger with her finally saying that she hopes he is happy with that controlling b*tch. I never asked him to end the friendship, but I was uncomfortable with it given their extensive history and he said that he did it out of respect for me and knew she wasn't good to have in his life.

 

 

Well, a couple of more weeks go by and she starts texting again asking for an explanation. She sends several texts that he doesn't respond to and ends with that she will make him realize how much he means to her even if it means bothering/calling/texting him until the end of time. This last text kind of worried us.

 

 

To date, he has just ignored her and plans to continue to do so. He also wanted to block her, but I thought maybe it was best not to block in case the crazy texts escalated so we would at least be aware of it. But I told him if it bothers him that much go ahead and block her.

 

 

Last night she simply sent - happy superbowl Sunday!

 

 

My question is this - does anyone have any experience with this type of situation they can share? Are we handling this correctly by just ignoring? Will she eventually get the picture and go away?

[PinkInTheLimo]

I would not ignore it. I think your boyfriend should send a clear message, not by text but by registered mail. Telling her that their relationship is over, that he has started a new life and that she has to stop contacting him. With an explicit mention that if she does not respect this, he will have to start a legal procedure against her.

That way she will clearly know where she stands.

Otherwise she might pop up in your lives every now and even if it is only once every year it will always create stress.

[Toodaloo]

This sounds like stalker behaviour.

 

Make it known to people around you and talk about it. Do not keep this a secret.

 

The letter is a good idea. Perhaps you could ask a mutual friend to talk to her as well? Report to the police? Do not under any circumstances respond via text/ phone call etc. Do not try to be nice. It will back fire.

 

Sounds like she doesn't want your man but doesn't want you to have him either.

 

As for the abuse towards you that can be ignored as she doesn't know you and clearly has jealousy issues. But she has threatened to carry on so personally I would go to police or similar. I suspect that she will drop for a few months then start up again.

 

Record and keep all communication from her and pass it on to police.

[No Limit]

Ignore, block, restraining order. Exactly in that order.

[Gloria25]

Agreed...

 

This ex sounds like she enjoys drama and needs a strong message that you all aren't game. I like the idea of the registered letter cuz right now the police may not do a thing.

 

As for him not blocking her cuz he wants to keep tabs if she escalates? I don't know, stalkers don't announce the date/time they are gonna do something stupid. So, IMO, blocking is best for your peace of mind.

[katinlc]

Agreed...

 

This ex sounds like she enjoys drama and needs a strong message that you all aren't game. I like the idea of the registered letter cuz right now the police may not do a thing.

 

As for him not blocking her cuz he wants to keep tabs if she escalates? I don't know, stalkers don't announce the date/time they are gonna do something stupid. So, IMO, blocking is best for your peace of mind.

 

This sounds like stalker behaviour.

 

Make it known to people around you and talk about it. Do not keep this a secret.

 

The letter is a good idea. Perhaps you could ask a mutual friend to talk to her as well? Report to the police? Do not under any circumstances respond via text/ phone call etc. Do not try to be nice. It will back fire.

 

Sounds like she doesn't want your man but doesn't want you to have him either.

 

As for the abuse towards you that can be ignored as she doesn't know you and clearly has jealousy issues. But she has threatened to carry on so personally I would go to police or similar. I suspect that she will drop for a few months then start up again.

 

Record and keep all communication from her and pass it on to police.

 

Thank you all for your responses. He was going to talk to a friend of his who is a police officer and get advice. At this point, I don't think she has done enough for us to be granted a restraining order and since I don't know her, I don't know what level of crazy she is capable of.

 

 

He has talked to several people that also know her so this situation is known by many people if that becomes necessary.

 

 

I agree - I don't think she necessarily wants him (I think she is living with some guy), I think it is more of the rejection and now a challenge to her. My fiancé couldn't understand why I wasn't upset she called me a controlling b*tch, but my thoughts were the same - she doesn't know me she's just speaking out of anger.

 

 

About the not blocking - that was me, not my FI. I thought we may need text evidence in case it did escalate to restraining order, as well as, if we started getting scarier messages about her bothering him we would at least know vs. having no knowledge.

[Gloria25]

Just be careful, cuz people that like drama will/can escalate...

 

This thread made me remember one chick who was juggling several guys, got this guy to leave his wife and all they did was fight. Well, she enjoyed provoking the fights, then running to the police, friends, and co-workers crying wolf.

 

Some people are dangerous, don't play around with them. Make sure you send that registered letter if the police can't get involved right now.

[preraph]

There are laws against electronic harassment in at least 48 states. Now, there is a hesitation by law enforcement to do anything about it if someone isn't threatening, but that ISN'T how the law reads, so LE is taking liberties with that. Do talk to the policeman friend. And he does need to write that letter. He needs to keep all her contacts she makes after the letter. He's already told her once, but he didn't say "Don't contact me again," and he has to do that. After that, she keeps it up, there is grounds for police charging her, but that doesn't mean they will. Still, it's the only option you have at this time.

[Pinkdisney]

Wow...I could have almost written this post. My BF has the same history with his ex, they split in 2010 after 3 yrs of marriage and 7 years of dating (she left for another man) but she kept coming and going out of his life until BF met me in May 2012. She finds the next flavor of the month and when she gets dumped she sends my BF texts and e-mail. Just recently it was NYE and he got an e-mail from her at 11:55 about a family member and I was pissed.

 

She has a history of being sue happy, she's Bi-Polar and quite a nut. BF says to just ignore, delete, but it makes me angry and upset that he doesn't just tell her to F-off - he said if he told her that she'd text more frequently.

 

I know BF isn't contacting her, but it has gotten much less frequent as of late. I can only hope she finds a husband soon and goes away for good.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you all for your responses. He was going to talk to a friend of his who is a police officer and get advice. At this point, I don't think she has done enough for us to be granted a restraining order and since I don't know her, I don't know what level of crazy she is capable of.

I think you both should also talk to his brother since he thinks she's crazy. And your bf/fiance should know if she is crazy or not too. Though some people can get too attached and used to someone 'being there' all the time for them and when it's taken away or changed, they freak and act out. Seems her ego is hurt that he's moving on and she figured he'd always be there for her no matter what. Life goes on and she needs to move on now.

 

Good idea to talk to the police officer friend, he can make some suggestions on how to handle things calmly and without aggravating her and making things worse.

 

He has talked to several people that also know her so this situation is known by many people if that becomes necessary.

 

Yup, this is good.

 

 

I agree - I don't think she necessarily wants him (I think she is living with some guy), I think it is more of the rejection and now a challenge to her. My fiancé couldn't understand why I wasn't upset she called me a controlling b*tch, but my thoughts were the same - she doesn't know me she's just speaking out of anger.

 

It's competition! She's known him longer and feels she's his even though they aren't a couple anymore. And of course she is blaming you for why he can't be in her life, like you forced him to do this. She's got a little ego fantasy going on.

 

 

About the not blocking - that was me, not my FI. I thought we may need text evidence in case it did escalate to restraining order, as well as, if we started getting scarier messages about her bothering him we would at least know vs. having no knowledge.

 

As long as he doesn't respond to any of her texts, even if they escalate and she continues to say hurtful things.

 

Though with that said, IF they do continue to get worse and more frequent he should send one clear text to her that says for her to leave him alone, stop all contact and that if she doesn't then he will file a harassment charge against her. Not sure if an RO is necessary unless she becomes threatening and starts following you/him or does damage physically.

[katinlc]

Thank you for your response whichwayisup - it sums up exactly what I was thinking and makes me feel better that we are handling this correctly right now.

 

 

And thank you everyone for their responses and insight. It helps to have someone on the outside of the situation to bounce ideas and thoughts off.

 

 

I discussed it further with my fiancé and we are going to continue to ignore but if the texting continues, I suggested that he needs to send some type of message stating clearly that he no longer wants contact with her that way there is no question if things escalate down the road.

 

 

I think the only reason it bothers him so much is he is worried about it affecting me and of course the only reason it bothers me is because I'm worried it affecting him.

[Jessie1231]

I was dating a guy last year who had an ex like this. They dated briefly ages ago, then had a weekend together after he had divorced about six months to a year before he and I started dating. She would pop up randomly and the texts were all over the place. Sometimes she seemed to just want to hear from him, sometimes she wanted to date him, then she would go crazy if he didn't respond. She threatened suicide a few times. I felt bad for him - he was a therapist but seemed at a total loss about what to do.

 

He explained once or twice that he was in a relationship, and aside from that there wasn't much he could do. Luckily she lived a few states away so it would have been a little more difficult for her to become physically violent. He didn't block her either because if it did escalate he wanted to know. It never got past the moody rambling texts.

 

He and I broke up eventually but I did see him a few months ago and while we were talking I asked if she ever got over things. She didn't! He still hears from Her with these moody texts. So unfortunately there may be nothing you can do to really stop it. He was nice enough to her and never was mean, but I think if he had been mean to her it would have only made things worse. There may not be a way to make it stop, but I would keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't turn to threats or anything. Good luck.

[katinlc]

I was dating a guy last year who had an ex like this. They dated briefly ages ago, then had a weekend together after he had divorced about six months to a year before he and I started dating. She would pop up randomly and the texts were all over the place. Sometimes she seemed to just want to hear from him, sometimes she wanted to date him, then she would go crazy if he didn't respond. She threatened suicide a few times. I felt bad for him - he was a therapist but seemed at a total loss about what to do.

 

He explained once or twice that he was in a relationship, and aside from that there wasn't much he could do. Luckily she lived a few states away so it would have been a little more difficult for her to become physically violent. He didn't block her either because if it did escalate he wanted to know. It never got past the moody rambling texts.

 

He and I broke up eventually but I did see him a few months ago and while we were talking I asked if she ever got over things. She didn't! He still hears from Her with these moody texts. So unfortunately there may be nothing you can do to really stop it. He was nice enough to her and never was mean, but I think if he had been mean to her it would have only made things worse. There may not be a way to make it stop, but I would keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't turn to threats or anything. Good luck.

 

Oh dear - this is not something I want to deal with years down the road. We will definitely nip this in the bud if it continues. We will eventually block or change his number if we have to. Neither one of us want this stress in our marriage.

[preraph]

Block her all ways possible once he notifies her in writing not to contact him -- because one you block her, then she's going to show up at his work or home and that's when you can call the police.