Any links to successful reconciliation attempts on LoveShack?

[VeryBrokenMan]

Anyone have links to successful reconciliation threads here on LoveShack?

 

It seems like everyone says R happens rarely, just wondering if there are any stories here?

[jbrent890]

I have seen a few on LS, but I can't remeber the title of the threads. DKTs does come to mind though. It might be easier to google successful R's after infedility. There may be some from LS that come up. All the stories I read weren't quck fixes. It took people YEARS to get back to somewhat normal. Not to steer you away, but just letting you know what I found.

[oldshirt]

People can and do recover and remain married after infidelity. That doesn't mean that many of them should however.

 

I occasionally read the blogs and discussions forums on <another> Website. On that site the underlying philosophy and default is to never attempt reconciliation and to always immediately proceed to divorce upon discovery of an affair as a personal policy.

 

While I rarely agree with "always" and "never" philosophies, I do have to admit they make a really great case for not even attempting the time, cost and emotional investment of attempting reconciliation.

Edited February 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[oldshirt]

....I am not a member there but I also occasionally read the forums at "<another forum>" where they deal with a lot of infidelity issues there as well.

 

There have been a number of long term success cases there but in almost every one of those cases, the BS came down like a ton of bricks imposing a laundry list of sanctions and requirements on the WS and instituted a number of significant changes to the core of their marriage and home life. And even in the cases of 'success' there was a huge expense paid by both the WS and BS.

 

in a number of cases the reconciliation occurred following an actual divorce and both people moving on with their lives and making significant changes to both of their lives and then becoming reunited later down the road.

 

In my memory I know of no case where a successful R was made and everyone lived happily ever after by maintaining the status quo of preexisting marriage as it was prior to the A. That marriage must be looked at as dead and over. The choice is whether to put in the great expense of burying the old marriage and beginning anew or cutting losses and moving on.

 

One of my favorite quotes is <personal information redacted> - "it's easier to give birth, than to resurrect the dead."

 

Meaning it's easier to declare a marriage dead and move on and find another relationship rather than it is to create a happy, healthy, satisfying relationship from the ashes of adulterous one.

Edited February 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[angel.eyes]

There are at least several active posters who are reconciling (some are 5+ years out). Please bear in mind that people don't come to message boards to tout their successes. Generally they post when they are faced with problems they are having difficulty handling. So the view you will get on a board such as this will be skewed to negative outcomes.

 

Sorry that you find yourself here.

[Bittersweetie]

Here is a link to my old thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/421926-my-story-fww

 

Over five years out and we are both doing well. Our path worked for us, but each person walks a different path, and you need to choose the one that works best for you.

 

Good luck.

[carhill]

OP, here's a thread started by a WW who apparently is in long-term reconciliation and you will find posts from her spouse in the same thread. That might lead you to other interactions which can be helpful. I read similar reconciliation threads when first joining LS and being in MC regarding my own affair and found them enlightening.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/218205-so-what-would-you-do

[VeryBrokenMan]

Here is a link to my old thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/421926-my-story-fww

 

Over five years out and we are both doing well. Our path worked for us, but each person walks a different path, and you need to choose the one that works best for you.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks, that is what I was looking for.

 

What in your opinion made the difference in success? Maybe telling him you were all in? Can you share any other secrets of success?

[VeryBrokenMan]

OP, here's a thread started by a WW who apparently is in long-term reconciliation and you will find posts from her spouse in the same thread. That might lead you to other interactions which can be helpful. I read similar reconciliation threads when first joining LS and being in MC regarding my own affair and found them enlightening.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/218205-so-what-would-you-do

 

Another good thread, thanks!

[VeryBrokenMan]

There are at least several active posters who are reconciling (some are 5+ years out). Please bear in mind that people don't come to message boards to tout their successes. Generally they post when they are faced with problems they are having difficulty handling. So the view you will get on a board such as this will be skewed to negative outcomes.

 

Sorry that you find yourself here.

 

Yeah, I had considered that. Seems like it takes a long time to come to terms even if you divorce. And divorce has a whole new set of pains.

[Bittersweetie]

Thanks, that is what I was looking for.

 

What in your opinion made the difference in success? Maybe telling him you were all in? Can you share any other secrets of success?

 

I don't know of any secrets of success, just what worked for us. Even though I made a horrible choice, there was still some love between us. I was willing to work on myself and look into all of my issues...which is not an easy thing, and not something that everyone can do. I understand how fortunate I am to be receiving a second chance, and work hard not to have him regret it. My H was willing to look at his issues too, and after a period of time make the choice to look forward. I know there are some who think by looking forward, a BS is forgetting, but not in my case. I know my H has not forgotten, it is part of who he is now. He has also made it crystal clear that if I made the same choice again, I would not be given another chance.

 

Some people can decide what to do after a d-day immediately, while others need some time to figure it out. It is a personal matter, and other's experiences can educate, but one must decide what works for himself.

[Trimmer]

Yeah, I had considered that. Seems like it takes a long time to come to terms. . .

Yes, and even when you think you've reconciled, things can turn out differently. My wife had an affair, and we "moved on" without really working at it (pretty much rug-sweeping - "let's move forward and get things back to where we used to be...") It was a full 10 (apparently good) years later that things blew up - again, with her becoming vaguely unhappy, in spite of all appearances, and turning to another man outside our relationship.

 

So be careful, if you are defining "successful reconciliation" as simply decided not to divorce afterward. I would consider a true candidate for a successful reconciliation as one in which the partners frankly addressed the infidelity and made changes in themselves and the relationship as a result of the lessons learned.

[waterwoman]

So be careful, if you are defining "successful reconciliation" as simply decided not to divorce afterward. I would consider a true candidate for a successful reconciliation as one in which the partners frankly addressed the infidelity and made changes in themselves and the relationship as a result of the lessons learned.

 

Agreed, Reconciliation doesn't mean 'staying together and doing things the same way' it means 'staying together (or getting back together) and doing things differently'

[fellini]

There is a lot of talk about reconciliation, about THE marriage, as if it was something solid or worse, an image to aspire to, rather than what actually goes on between two growing consenting adults.

 

I like what Esther Perel has to say about marriage, because it helps me to free myself from thinking of THE marriage as though it was something outside of me, my wife, my daughter:

 

What would you say to people who want to preserve a marriage?

 

Perel: Most people today, for the sheer length we live together, have two or three marriages in their adult life, and some of us do it with the same person. For me, this is my fourth marriage with my husband and we have completely reorganized the structure of the relationship, the flavor, the complementarity.

[dichotomy]

Anyone have links to successful reconciliation threads here on LoveShack?

 

 

 

Define successful.

 

and compare this(staying after affair) to any long term marriage "happiness" or "issues" people have with their spouse.

 

 

I guess it was successful if I feel it was right choice all these years later. There are a few other here who have stayed married for a long time after an affair. Different degrees of feelings about their decision to stay.

 

DKT comes to mind - but there was a divorce, partners in between, and a remarriage. So its a special case.

Edited February 3, 2015 by dichotomy