Past issues disrupting present, possibly ruining future

[trickysara1980]

Hi, I have an issue that advice from internet strangers can hopefully help me with.

 

 

I am going to make a long story short here. My husband is lying about something that happened before we got married. I know the truth, as I had seen it with my own 2 eyes. He WILL NOT come clean about it, so now I am wondering what else he may be lying about. I know its a tough subject to talk about and he would prefer to just rug sweep, but....

 

 

I am seriously considering leaving until something gives. Am I crazy? Should I let it go?

 

 

(its over cheating, while we were dating)

[coolheadal]

So he was cheating on you while you were dating? But you just found this out now while you had married him. But is he still doing it while your married, that's more of a concern now than what has happen in the past. Your married him so you have to now consider that he could be cheating or now still. It's habit he's use too. Can't change his ways nor can you change him.

 

Look for signs in his behavior. Has things changed when you got married to him.

 

Is he acting differently around you?

Is going out more without you?

Only you can tell something is up with him?

Are you two on the "SAME PAGE"? If not then might consider things are not as they seem to be then.

[d0nnivain]

What's your end game here? Do you just want to be right? Do you want to punish him? Do you want a reason to end your marriage? You don't have to tell me but you do need to know

 

 

My advice, it was before you were married. If he has been faithful since he took vows find a way to get over it.

 

 

If you can't do that, communicate with him in a straightforward unemotional matter. Sit him down tell him you saw the pre-martial cheating with your own eyes & his continued denials (lying) are upsetting you & undermining your trust which is eroding your marriage. See where things go from there.

 

 

If you can't be unemotional during this conversation do not have it unless you have a qualified marriage counselor present.

[trickysara1980]

Thank you. He isn't denying the cheating, but some of the actions surrounding it. Basically down playing.

 

 

You are right though, I decided to marry him and am certain he hasn't cheated since....he has made a 180 change.

 

 

So I guess the end result is to get my way? I don't know. I certainly don't want to end my marriage.

 

 

I am very glad I came here...thanks for the insight!

[Trimmer]

So I guess the end result is to get my way? I don't know.

I agree with d0nnivain - I think it's important for you to know what you are trying to accomplish. Note, I'm not taking a position on whether you should or shouldn't pursue this; I'm just saying that you should have a clear sense of your own motivations and expectations as you move forward.

 

This will help you approach him (if you decide to continue) with a clear sense of purpose, and also help you realize when you have either achieved your goal, or when you should stop so you don't cause more damage than you are trying to repair.

 

For example, if things are getting testy, and he asks "Why are you still bringing this up?", if all you can say is "I don't know..." then it's going to seem like you are just fighting for the sake of fighting, and I can't see anything getting better from there. If you are able to clearly articulate why it's important to you, then there is hope for, as donnivain put it, an 'endgame', as opposed to an endless fight.

[elaine567]

I am going to make a long story short here. My husband is lying about something that happened before we got married. I know the truth, as I had seen it with my own 2 eyes. He WILL NOT come clean about it, so now I am wondering what else he may be lying about. I know its a tough subject to talk about and he would prefer to just rug sweep, but....

I am seriously considering leaving until something gives. Am I crazy? Should I let it go?

(its over cheating, while we were dating)

If you see this as a deal breaker then you have to tell him and follow through.

If you say "This is a dealbreaker",

he says "so?",

you say "I'm leaving",

he says "..and", and refuses to discuss or continues lying

then you have to go.

If you then say, "OK we will work it out" then you lose your credibility.

He knows that whatever he does after that you will be OK with, as your threat to go was empty.

 

If he is steadfastly sticking to his story and you know he is lying, then you have to decide if you can live with him lying to you.

This is not really about cheating, although of course that is a big issue too, this is about fundamental trust.

If he can lie to you about something so serious that you know about, you are correct to think then what else is he lying about?

 

Also this may or may not be relevant in your situation but be aware.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | What is Gaslighting?

[MJJean]

It seems like some part of you doesn't trust him and you want to fully trust him. So, you think you'll be able to trust him if he is totally honest about the details of the past. Thing is, he can tell you exactly what you want to hear tomorrow but you will still wonder what else he hasn't told you.

 

What you're actually upset about is the cheating, not getting out of him the details of the cheating. If you believe he is sincere in his vows to you an that he will never cheat on you again then you're going to have to let it go. Completely. And you're going to have to trust him.

 

If you keep bringing it up it's going to keep opening the wound for you and it's going to put distance between you and your husband. Trust me, just leave the past in the past unless he does something to make you suspicious in the present. Then all bets are off and you can take history into account.

[dichotomy]

Hi, I have an issue that advice from internet strangers can hopefully help me with.

 

 

I am going to make a long story short here. My husband is lying about something that happened before we got married. I know the truth, as I had seen it with my own 2 eyes. He WILL NOT come clean about it, so now I am wondering what else he may be lying about. I know its a tough subject to talk about and he would prefer to just rug sweep, but....

 

 

I am seriously considering leaving until something gives. Am I crazy? Should I let it go?

 

 

(its over cheating, while we were dating)

 

I understand this.

 

but what have you seen with your own two eyes. Emails? or? Are there things you have to show him, then just lay it out there.

[Trimmer]

I understand this.

 

but what have you seen with your own two eyes. Emails? or? Are there things you have to show him, then just lay it out there.

The only problem with that: if it's his trustworthiness that she needs evidence of, then that has to come from him volunteering the information.

 

The more leverage she applies to force him to "admit" whatever he is holding back (right up to revealing her proof), the less valuable his admission will be in restoring her trust. If you back him into a corner with irrefutable proof, then his admission doesn't really convey much about his trustworthiness, does it?

[dichotomy]

The only problem with that: if it's his trustworthiness that she needs evidence of, then that has to come from him volunteering the information.

 

The more leverage she applies to force him to "admit" whatever he is holding back (right up to revealing her proof), the less valuable his admission will be in restoring her trust. If you back him into a corner with irrefutable proof, then his admission doesn't really convey much about his trustworthiness, does it?

 

 

Very few, rare, cheaters confess it all. All most all of them minimize, hide, lie about details or significance. It human nature....I did not cheat, or I cheated but it was not sex, ok it was sex but it was just once, okay it was a few times but it was not good, ok it was good but I did not love them, okay I did say I love them but....

 

Again its not right - but minimizing and hiding our misdeeds is human nature.

 

In some cases once the BS gets details and they throw it down in front the WS, or they lie and say they have it all, and then the WS breaks down and finally confesses- usually in tears and fear.

 

She might was well tell him she knows it all, expose the evidence and just finish this one way or another.

[Satu]

Very often a small truth can be used to distract from a greater untruth.

 

Full confessions are rare when there has been great wrongdoing.