That's all folks..

[Ruby65]

Stay strong!

 

It's like quitting smoking -- if you don't act on it, eventually the urge passes on its own.

 

But if you give in and see something on Facebook that upsets you.... that can linger and really set you back.

[jus d'orange]

If you can't resist the urge to check her facebook, then unfriend her.

 

If you're talking about using her password to log into her facebook, come up with any way to prevent yourself from doing that, including sending her a "forgot password" email by clicking that button on facebook.

 

Seriously, don't demean yourself and violate her right to privacy by logging into her facebook. I've been in that situation and it makes you feel so so low, even if you don't find anything out. Snooping like that will only prolong your pain; there can simply be no justification for it.

 

If it helps to avoid from checking on her social media or whatever, then just keep posting here and keep staying strong.

[Chi townD]

Stay focused dude! Tell me your plans for the weekend.

[na49]

I wouldn't be unblocking her on my account or logging into her account. I made an account that I used to search for her and look at her profile. I deleted it, but I think it is still active for 2 weeks. I still want to look, but I am trying to push the urge away.

[lumberjac]

set yourself a target. say no checking up on her in any way for 1 week, and when the 1 week mark is up go for another week. you'll realise the love you have towards her will fade and wont be as strong. I know it sounds sad but its for your own good.

[runredlights]

Since you know the drill aren't you already desensitized to the situation? Wouldn't it be easier for you the second time since you know what to expect?

[darkbloom]

na-- You've been strong before and you can do it again. Your life is too short and you are too young to waste another second on her. You deserve so much better than her. I am at 58 days NC and I am feeling better than ever. Even better than I did in the relationship. AND I WAS DESPERATE TO GET HIM BACK.

 

 

Set your target and then go for it. Facebook is just an illusion. Go out and make your life happen instead of watching hers on FB.

[na49]

Since you know the drill aren't you already desensitized to the situation? Wouldn't it be easier for you the second time since you know what to expect?

 

That's what I thought originally. It actually is just as hard as it was the first time.

 

Thanks guys, I haven't checked in 10 days. I guess I'm just getting bored, and curious as to what she has been doing since I last checked. I'd want to know how she spent Valentine's Day, etc.

[Simon Phoenix]

That's what I thought originally. It actually is just as hard as it was the first time.

 

Thanks guys, I haven't checked in 10 days. I guess I'm just getting bored, and curious as to what she has been doing since I last checked. I'd want to know how she spent Valentine's Day, etc.

 

God damn it na. You know better.

[dontexpect]

Simon: It does feel like I don't want to get through it at times. It feels easier to just stay where I am than to push any ridiculous thoughts away, and move forward. Maybe I'm just not ready to move on yet. I'm almost 3 weeks post BU. I didn't choose to move on until like 3 months post BU the first time.

 

I woke up this morning still wanting to see her Facebook to remind myself that she is moved on. Then I realize how much it will ruin my weekend no matter what I see. If she is with her friend's brother, that will suck. If she is single, but happy without me, that will suck.

 

dontexpect: It's so hard when you're trying to study, or read something and your mind just can't actually take in what you're reading. I end up dozing off in class thinking about her. I had my ex's Facebook password too. She probably changed it because the password had to do with us. I never wanted to check her profile when we were together because I felt like if I needed to do that, then it meant I didn't trust her. I never wanted to check her Facebook because it would only start trouble.

 

Meanwhile, she was free to go through my phone, and knew my passwords. She checked my texts sometimes (never found anything, who am I going to flirt with?) but she was very defensive with her phone and messages between others. Also, don't be sorry for sharing lol. It's nice to know I'm really not alone in all of this.

 

I know what you mean. I'm trying to study right now but I just can't get her out of my mind. I have these strong urges too to look at facebook. But I just keep telling myself that I know she's happy and I'd just have to move on. And maybe someday I'd also be genuinely happy too and not just pretending to be happy for the benefit of other people. Posting here really helps for me. I have this hope that we will eventually get over them and come out stronger. I think we just have to cling to that hope that there will be better days ahead without them instead of hoping that they will come back.

[na49]

I'm starting to think that I will always want her to come back. I just need to learn to live with that for right now. Just because I want her to come back doesn't mean I have to sit in self pity waiting for her to come back. I can try living my life and worry about myself. Instead of focusing on someone who I haven't spoken to in almost 3 weeks. This is someone who hasn't reached out to me once, since the breakup. I was the one who initiated the contact a few days later, and she wasn't interested in talking.

 

I know that I shouldn't want her to come back at all, but until I find my pride and self respect, I'll keep wanting someone who has rejected me twice. (and been fine with it both times) I remind myself of other couples that I've seen that dated for a long time, but still broke up. It can happen to anyone, and happens to everyone at some point.

[dontexpect]

I'm starting to think that I will always want her to come back. I just need to learn to live with that for right now. Just because I want her to come back doesn't mean I have to sit in self pity waiting for her to come back. I can try living my life and worry about myself. Instead of focusing on someone who I haven't spoken to in almost 3 weeks. This is someone who hasn't reached out to me once, since the breakup. I was the one who initiated the contact a few days later, and she wasn't interested in talking.

 

I know that I shouldn't want her to come back at all, but until I find my pride and self respect, I'll keep wanting someone who has rejected me twice. (and been fine with it both times) I remind myself of other couples that I've seen that dated for a long time, but still broke up. It can happen to anyone, and happens to everyone at some point.

 

It is very hard getting over someone. Ugh. It really hurts. We are dealing with loss here, after all. Was she also your best friend and first love?

 

Yes, you are right. You should try to live your life and focus on yourself. Redirect that sadness and turn it into something positive. Like you, I think there will always be a piece of me that wishes she would come back or things were different. So, in a way, I can understand. We were very close. Despite all the bad stuff that happened, we did have some pretty great times. We knew each other inside and out. I think it is possible to learn to live with that wish. Someday, it won't hurt as much because we will get used to it. I've read a story about a person living near a waterfall. At first, she found the sound of the waterfall quite annoying. She'd hear the sound all the time. Until one day, she realized that she actually went through the whole day not minding the sound. The sound of the waterfall is still there but she just got used to it.

 

Yeah, I do know couples who have been together for so long but still they broke up. Every relationship comes to an end at one point or another. Either one of them dies or they decide to break up. Nothing lasts in this world.

[na49]

Yes she was my best friend. I never had a "best friend" like that before, so it felt awesome. Now it feels horrible. I don't have any use for my phone anymore because outside of texting her, I wasn't really texting anyone else. I feel so alone now.

 

I like that story about the waterfall. It puts things into perspective. I also thought about how love is not a contract. If they don't want to be with us, they don't have to be with us. No matter how long they were with us. It may not be right for them to be looking for their next man while they are with us. It's not right, but they aren't forced to stay with us if they don't want to. They know this, so they leave.

 

I'm really fighting my sadness right now. I feel like breaking down, and going into my miserable self, but I know that it won't bring her back. Nothing I do can make her come back.

[na49]

Posting here instead of stalking her.. again..

 

God damn, I don't remember this ever being so difficult last time. Maybe I just forget what it feels like, but I have been having a horrible couple of days. I'm still having a hard time believing that it's really over.

[jus d'orange]

I've been having some rough days as well.

 

Just keep going. Listen to music if it helps. Read if it helps. Watch films, especially if they can expand your perspective. Reading the news helps me sometimes. It reconnects me to humanity in some way, to remind me that there's so much out there than just the sad situation I find myself in.

 

It sounds like you don't have some truly close friends out there. I know what it's like to lose a best friend when losing a lover too, and it's terrible, but you have to promise yourself to find friendship out of this sphere. It won't necessarily show up tomorrow, but for your longterm health, you owe yourself that.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes she was my best friend. I never had a "best friend" like that before, so it felt awesome. Now it feels horrible. I don't have any use for my phone anymore because outside of texting her, I wasn't really texting anyone else. I feel so alone now.

 

And this here is your problem, and it's a problem you refuse to try to solve, yet you wonder why it never gets better. How old are you, 20 maybe? I mean, the three people I'd consider my best friends I didn't meet until I was 20 or older. I mean, you keep doing the same stuff and moping about the same things and you wonder why you stay in neutral emotionally. You wonder why everything with this girl repeated itself to the T, both in how you interacted with her and how she treated you. It's because you haven't changed and evolved and don't seem to want to. It's just excuses, excuses, excuses why you can't do things, be it money, her friends being around, or whatever. That's why you are jogging in place.

 

Going back with her is not an option. It's just not and you have to get it through your thick skull. Instead of obsessing about things that aren't realistic in any way, shape, or form, it's time to become a better na. You failed at this before, so don't fail again. I don't want to dismiss your sadness because that's a perfectly reasonable reaction to have, but use the sadness as an inspiration to never fall into this position with this woman again. Use it as inspiration to be a better you, to do things that you never thought would be possible.

 

When the relationship that brought me here died, I was devastated. I had never felt so helpless and bad. Instead of reveling it in, I have worked my ass off to be better than I was -- not for her, for me. I've made some great friends (and I'm in my 30s, it's a hell of a lot harder for someone my age to make friends than it is for someone your age), I've lost about 50 pounds and have gone from being fat and tired all the time to being less fat and diving around the sand playing beach volleyball, I've eradicated a bunch of my debt and have more money in savings now than I ever have, etc. What doesn't kill you can make you stronger. But you have to allow it. You don't want to allow it, and that saddens me, because you show glimpses of being that guy. You're just so damn afraid to really blossom and grow though, and you're too young for that sh*t.

[na49]

Yes I am 20. I have a few best friends, but not enough. I never really text any of my friends either. I thought I did change, but it turns out that I really didn't. I always thought she was the one who was dependent on me, but it was really me who was dependent on her. The person who cares the least really does control the most. She always threatened to leave when she was mad. I never had the balls to do that because I knew I could never leave her. She knew she'd be alright without me. I didn't think that I could be alright without her.

 

I do have moments where I realize that going back to her is not an option. I realize that it is unrealistic to believe that she will come back again. I have moments where I want to get better for me, and I really feel like I take steps. but then I go back to being the old me, and do what I'm doing right now. I'm just sitting here on Facebook, looking through people's profiles (those I haven't blocked) trying to find a window into her life. I saw some old pictures of her, and it sucked. I saw a few statuses that I'm pretty sure she liked. I'm ashamed to admit that I did all of that, but I did. I got into one of these moods a few days ago, and just haven't been able to get out of it. I get out of it temporarily, but it comes back the next day.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes I am 20. I have a few best friends, but not enough. I never really text any of my friends either. I thought I did change, but it turns out that I really didn't. I always thought she was the one who was dependent on me, but it was really me who was dependent on her. The person who cares the least really does control the most. She always threatened to leave when she was mad. I never had the balls to do that because I knew I could never leave her. She knew she'd be alright without me. I didn't think that I could be alright without her.

 

I do have moments where I realize that going back to her is not an option. I realize that it is unrealistic to believe that she will come back again. I have moments where I want to get better for me, and I really feel like I take steps. but then I go back to being the old me, and do what I'm doing right now. I'm just sitting here on Facebook, looking through people's profiles (those I haven't blocked) trying to find a window into her life. I saw some old pictures of her, and it sucked. I saw a few statuses that I'm pretty sure she liked. I'm ashamed to admit that I did all of that, but I did. I got into one of these moods a few days ago, and just haven't been able to get out of it. I get out of it temporarily, but it comes back the next day.

 

I mean, if anything, the first thing you need to do is STOP DOING STUPID SH*T LIKE TROLLING FACEBOOK. I mean, this is what makes me want to belt you with a crowbar. You know it's stupid, but you do it anyway, which makes your stupidity worse than if you didn't know. Choosing to do stupid things when you know they're dumb makes it hard for me to sympathize with you.

 

That being said, you need to change the reactions to those thoughts when they do come up, and trust me, they are going to continue to come up. Right now you just start feeling sorry for yourself and go into a cocoon of self-loathing and foolishness. What you need to do is actively combat against that. When you feel the malaise coming, you have to go out of your way to do something, even if it's going for a walk, going to the gym, or even taking a drive somewhere. Anything that prevents you from being a dumbass, being you are being a dumbass right now. The feelings of helplessness and malaise are normal and nothing to be ashamed of -- waving the white flag and doing stuff like you are doing is awful.

 

Everytime you cave and do this crap, you are resetting your misery meter, going back to the beginning of the level. You aren't in No Contact because you are actively looking to snoop on her. GOD DAMN IT STOP!!!!

 

I mean, I don't know what to say to you. You keep doing the same sad bastard things and wonder why nothing seems to improve. It doesn't improve because you use the low moments as opportunities to completely sabotage yourself. It's almost like you revel in it.

 

There's nothing wrong with feeling sad, feeling bad, mourning. But sitting in your room poring over the Facebooks of strangers to try to make a flowchart of what your ex is doing as if you are John Nash in A Beautiful Mind is just dumb. And you know it is, yet you do it anyway. A way to keep being the victim is to keep acting like the victim.

[mtnbiker3000]

Again... You show textbook signs of low-self esteem, low self-worth and poor /no boundaries. Your behaviors, patterns and personality scream "Nice Guy". You refuse to put yourself first. I'd wager you think the way to get what you want is to cater to others. Bend over backwards. All this does is make people lose respect for you. Especially women.

 

I know what I'm talking about because I have dealt with this stuff first hand for years and years. I wish someone would have pointed out these things to me when I was in my 20's...

 

It took me until I was 41 to figure these same things out about myself. Why not be way ahead of the game and start to address these behaviors while you're young and it's much less difficult to modify?

 

Dr. Glover's book will help you see what I'm saying. It will give you a different perspective. Read it. I dare you!!!

[dontexpect]

Yes she was my best friend. I never had a "best friend" like that before, so it felt awesome. Now it feels horrible. I don't have any use for my phone anymore because outside of texting her, I wasn't really texting anyone else. I feel so alone now.

 

I like that story about the waterfall. It puts things into perspective. I also thought about how love is not a contract. If they don't want to be with us, they don't have to be with us. No matter how long they were with us. It may not be right for them to be looking for their next man while they are with us. It's not right, but they aren't forced to stay with us if they don't want to. They know this, so they leave.

 

I'm really fighting my sadness right now. I feel like breaking down, and going into my miserable self, but I know that it won't bring her back. Nothing I do can make her come back.

 

This sounds so similar!! I am in my 20s, too. Yes, I also never had a "best friend" like that before. It was a very intense relationship. And I also don't really text anyone aside from her, too. I know she has a new "best friend" and a new thing going on right now. Or that's what I would like to assume. I think we might have been in a very co-dependent relationship. We might not see this now but I think they probably did us a favor. It is time to be healthier. I have a hard time making friends too so I'm really scared to be alone. I feel so alone now. I feel more alone and miserable when I think that she's having a grand time in her life without me. And I want to be like that. I want to have genuine fun without her. Maybe we needed this so we can be stronger. Don't rely on other people too much for your happiness.

[na49]

Is it really as simple as just changing my reaction to the thoughts when they come up? When I have these thoughts, I don't have the energy to do anything else. I walk up to the ledge of setting myself back, but have not completely crossed it yet.

 

I have so many people blocked on Facebook already, but I guess I need to block more people. I want to avoid windows into her life.

[na49]

This sounds so similar!! I am in my 20s, too. Yes, I also never had a "best friend" like that before. It was a very intense relationship. And I also don't really text anyone aside from her, too. I know she has a new "best friend" and a new thing going on right now. Or that's what I would like to assume. I think we might have been in a very co-dependent relationship. We might not see this now but I think they probably did us a favor. It is time to be healthier. I have a hard time making friends too so I'm really scared to be alone. I feel so alone now. I feel more alone and miserable when I think that she's having a grand time in her life without me. And I want to be like that. I want to have genuine fun without her. Maybe we needed this so we can be stronger. Don't rely on other people too much for your happiness.

 

We probably were very co-dependent in our relationship. I know in my case, she was never THAT co-dependent on me because she had a bunch of friends on campus to hang out with. She had a few friends back home that she'd go out with. I had my friends, but I didn't have as much going on as she did. It's what allows her to recover after these breakups quicker than me. She doesn't spend time stalking my profile, thinking about what I'm doing, or researching how to get over this. She just goes out with her friends, and meets someone new.

 

I try to remind myself that the person I am right now is not someone that anyone would want to date. I need to fix everything that's wrong with me before I think about having any relationships.

 

also mtnbiker3000: I watched a few videos, and read a lot of his website. I read it during the first breakup too. I haven't bought the book, but I do agree with him when he talks about covert contracts. I also like how he talks about "having an interesting life to invite a woman into" because ideally that's what I'd like to do in the future.

[Stercrazy]

Simple? No. It takes work. In psychology it's Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT). Basically the event isn't really the issue. It's your IRRATIONAL BELIEFS about the event that determines your emotional reaction. That's the interpersonal journey. Change your beliefs and you change your reaction. Look it up. It definitely helps when dealing with unpleasant feelings.

[na49]

I read about it a little, and it can definitely help with what I am going through.

 

I don't have strong urges to do anything stupid, but I feel the urges are still there. I'm also having irrational beliefs that she will come back, or that she isn't happy with her decision to leave me. Is there any way to really get rid of those?

 

I found out about two family vacations that I am going on this summer, and am afraid that I will be miserable during both of them because I won't be able to share my experiences on the vacations with her. I won't buy her a souvenir like I always do. I understand that I need more friends, but I wouldn't share experiences with friends like I would with a significant other. I want to be better by the time these happen, but I'm freaking out about them instead of being excited.

[Simon Phoenix]

Is it really as simple as just changing my reaction to the thoughts when they come up? When I have these thoughts, I don't have the energy to do anything else. I walk up to the ledge of setting myself back, but have not completely crossed it yet.

 

I have so many people blocked on Facebook already, but I guess I need to block more people. I want to avoid windows into her life.

 

It's not simple, but it's necessary. You have to find some sort of inner resolve and power through it. It's not going to be easy, but after the first few times you power through it, your body will want to go out and do something when the thoughts come.

 

You have to stop living in the fetal position. It's not going to be easy, but it has to be done. What you are doing right now is bad. The fact that you say "have not completely crossed it yet" is bad. You are already giving up and conceding that you are going to cut corners and take the easy way out. You are planning on failing. You can't recover when you are planning on screwing up. It's one thing to screw up, it's another to so easily concede to it and plan how you are going to do it. I mean, you have to stop being your own worst enemy right now. Your ex isn't holding you back, you are. She's let you go. Don't be that guy that needs to be kicked out the door to figure out that he needs to go outside.

Edited February 22, 2015 by Simon Phoenix