darkbloom Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Social Media is so bizarre with relationships and breakups. I unfollowed my ex on Instagram a week after the breakup because I realized I couldn't handle it. She unfollowed me the very next day. A month later she followed me back, and I still don't know why. Because girls are psycho. That is why. Kidding. I was once an emotional stalker on social media (although we were in a relationship together, is it still considered stalking someone if you are officially in a relationship with them?) I digress. But he would only tell me half truths while social media filled in the blanks. I.e. Did you go out last night? Why yes, yes you did. Because SomeStupidSlut on Insta posted a photo with you. I felt like some sort of Sherlock Holmes with my detective work and discovering his lies. (I realize now that this is unhealthy. When you love someone though you participate in wacky behavior because your brain has stopped receiving blood and rational thoughts to it.) This last breakup I committed to stopping the nonsense. I am no longer dating him so it matters not what he does. Haven't peeked once. I have kept the blocks on him through every social site we were connected on. I live in a city that pretends to be a small town though so I hear he is still checking my insta feed. Dudes are weird. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 I'm trying to convince myself that I'm just having a bad night tonight. I felt awesome yesterday, why can't I feel like that again? I am so close to just looking though. If I see that she's moved on, then it should help me. right? Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Have you actually tried real, 100% NC?? For more than 30 days? If not, I would try that. That will help for sure!!! Cyber stalking will not help!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 I know that it's pathetic, and I guess it really is on par with real life stalking. I found myself looking at her mutual friends Facebook's again earlier. I saw an old picture of her with her friends. Her smile in the picture though... Ugh it brought back so many memories. I tell myself that what I did wasn't as bad as actually looking at her Facebook and seeing new pictures, but it isn't good at all. I told myself that I didn't want to be that "crazy ex", but I have really turned into one. She just doesn't know it. Dude ..... I mean, you know it's wrong, yet you keep doing it. I mean, the f*ck man? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 I'm trying to convince myself that I'm just having a bad night tonight. I felt awesome yesterday, why can't I feel like that again? I am so close to just looking though. If I see that she's moved on, then it should help me. right? No, nothing like that will help you because you have this obsessive need to delude yourself at this point. You'll come up with some other excuse to feed your denial because you want to keep it alive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 I know.. I know. I've just been having another weak couple of days. I couldn't stop thinking about her during class, and wanted to just come home and check her Facebook already. I've been obsessing over it, and am just praying that this urge passes. I know that if I want to ever move on, I'll need to go months without looking. I've been beating myself up recently again too. I'm highlighting everything that I did wrong in the relationship, and everything that she ever did that made me happy. It's making me feel like a jerk. I think about how quickly she moves on and it still kills me. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Geez dude! GET A HANDLE!!!!! What good would come to looking at her facebook? Give me ONE positive! You want to see if she's in a relationship? You already know that she is, so it can't be that! Do you want to see pics of her out partying? You already know that she is, so it can't be that! You want to know is she's having a good time with friends and doing things with her new boyfriend? You already know that she is, so it can't be that! You want to see her smiling face with any trace of thought about you? I've already seen that, so it can't be that! So, what are you hoping for? Some cryptic message that YOU would only understand? That's not going to happen. You want to see if she changed her relationship status form dating to engaged? You want to see pics of her kissing her new guy like you got some kind of cuckold fetish? Dude, there I NO REASON to look at her facebook. None at all. You need to focus on fixing YOU and not on what she's doing. You are WAY behind the positive changes you should be making. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 na-- you will get better when you decide to get better. you've got to give up this notion of getting her back and checking on her. you should be checking on yourself and worrying about you. commit to this so you can heal. it all gets so much easier after you make the decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 I really haven't completely committed to moving on. I haven't blocked her, and still want to check up on her. I'm thinking that if I can just make it to my counseling appointment tomorrow without checking, it might help with this urge. I can't stop thinking about doing it though. I'm so curious to know what she's been doing... I want to see her having fun so it will motivate me to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Trapito Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 I had an ex who, 8 weeks after our break up would post for the world to see (not a private fb) how: - They missed each other - Sexual compatible they are - More smoochy stuff Yes, he had met a new girl. I was barfing in my mouth when I saw that. Maybe you should see something like that too, because in time you will. It hurt like hell and gave me the kick in the uterus I very much needed. I for the first time, saw him as the asswhipe he was (and probably still is). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 I really haven't completely committed to moving on. I haven't blocked her, and still want to check up on her. I'm thinking that if I can just make it to my counseling appointment tomorrow without checking, it might help with this urge. I can't stop thinking about doing it though. I'm so curious to know what she's been doing... I want to see her having fun so it will motivate me to move on. It won't though. All it will do is perpetuate this sad bastard funk you are clinging to for dear life. You are so committed to living out this delusion that nothing will get you out of it until you decide that you've had enough with being a tub of blubbery goo. You don't seem very motivated to do that, so who knows when that'll be. But checking up on her is going to feed the lie you are telling yourself, not free you from it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
seminoles84 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 You don't seem very motivated to do that, so who knows when that'll be. Agree with this. You seems perfectly fine going around in circles. Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 I want to confirm everything that I think about her, but I realize that it won't help me. That's why I haven't gone ahead and did it already. I just remind myself of what she told me last time I talked to her, and what I saw when I last saw her Facebook. Our pictures were gone, her friend's brother and her smiling in her profile picture, posts about "starting a new life", how "some people can only handle the idea of you, not the reality of you" and how "amazing her friends are". She isn't looking back. She's gotten rid of me and wants to find bigger and better things. Why can't I just see her as she is? Someone who doesn't want to be with me. How do I get rid of these delusions that she'll be back without seeing her Facebook? Until I get rid of that delusion, I really can't take the next step. Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 You need to kill that delusion. It's keeping you sick. She's your drug. Time to focus on being healthy. Emotionally speaking. Cut the cord. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I want to confirm everything that I think about her, but I realize that it won't help me. That's why I haven't gone ahead and did it already. I just remind myself of what she told me last time I talked to her, and what I saw when I last saw her Facebook. Our pictures were gone, her friend's brother and her smiling in her profile picture, posts about "starting a new life", how "some people can only handle the idea of you, not the reality of you" and how "amazing her friends are". She isn't looking back. She's gotten rid of me and wants to find bigger and better things. Why can't I just see her as she is? Someone who doesn't want to be with me. How do I get rid of these delusions that she'll be back without seeing her Facebook? Until I get rid of that delusion, I really can't take the next step. That's on you dude. We can keep telling you this stuff until we're blue in the face but as long as you are being willfully obtuse and ignorant, it doesn't matter, nothing will change. You'd much rather live in a world of falsehood and delusion than join the rest of us. You can't rid yourself of something you don't want to rid yourself of. Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 There are moments where I want to rid myself of this delusion that she'll be back. I still have her number unblocked, and haven't heard anything. I insist on leaving the line for communication open, and feel uncomfortable when I block it. I've been blaming it on the amount of time, and how it's been a little over 3 weeks since the BU, and since I last texted her. For some reason I just can't get myself to believe that it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
dontexpect Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 There are moments where I want to rid myself of this delusion that she'll be back. I still have her number unblocked, and haven't heard anything. I insist on leaving the line for communication open, and feel uncomfortable when I block it. I've been blaming it on the amount of time, and how it's been a little over 3 weeks since the BU, and since I last texted her. For some reason I just can't get myself to believe that it's over. You and me both. It hurts like hell. I find it unfair that we are suffering like this while they are probably out there enjoying themselves. Today was pretty rough for me, too. Broke NC and she was kind but blunt about it. I feel so bad afterwards. Yeah, don't ever break the NC. Not until you have completely moved on, at least. Maybe you should block her so you can concentrate on you right now. Stop holding on to that illusion. Just let it go. And, believe me, I know how hard that can be. We will just have to try our very best effort. Link to post Share on other sites
Stercrazy Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Please block her on all social media.....it's liberating and you don't need reminders of your pain.....unless you want to torture yourself. Once you block them its time to start healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 There are moments where I want to rid myself of this delusion that she'll be back. I still have her number unblocked, and haven't heard anything. I insist on leaving the line for communication open, and feel uncomfortable when I block it. I've been blaming it on the amount of time, and how it's been a little over 3 weeks since the BU, and since I last texted her. For some reason I just can't get myself to believe that it's over. Because you don't want to. It's easier for you to live a lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) I had my first counseling appointment today, and I learned a lot. She said a lot of the things everyone here has been telling me, but it sticks a bit more hearing it in person I guess. She told me that I like to be hurt/be the victim, I don't love myself, I'm not my own person, that she was my security blanket. I was never able to meet people, because I was comfortable with her, and only doing things with her. She made me realize that I beat myself up too much, and have to give myself a break because it was my first relationship. When she asked me to list positive qualities about my ex, I didn't come up with much. I had plenty of negatives to mention though. She told me that she believes that my ex wasn't really "in love" with me, but "in love" with having a boyfriend. That's her problem, and my counselor also thinks I should never go back to her. She told me that I dodged a bullet lol. She also is going to push me to meet new people, and get involved with clubs on campus. I feel good right now. Before I left, I asked her if she thought I should text her (I was being serious). The look she gave me was priceless. Edited February 26, 2015 by na49 Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) I don't love myself And the clouds lift... This should be your number one concern. And it's a big one. Probably the biggest!!! Until you address this, you will never see lasting change. However, after you do begin to reach this goal, everything will be different. You will approach relationships (romantic and other) from a place of abundance. You will not be emotionally tied to any outcome. It won't matter what other people do or don't do. You won't need acceptance, approval or validation from anyone. You will give all of that to yourself!! I too am on this journey. And after about 2 years, I am getting closer. It's a challenge, but absolutely necessary. There are many books that can guide you on this journey. And, counseling is very helpful too. Sounds like you have a good one. Keep going!!! I've been seeing a personal counselor on and off over the last 2 years, and attending a No More Mr Nice Guy support group every Sunday for almost a year straight. Both invaluable experiences!!! The last piece of the recovery puzzle? Absolutely 100% NC. Nothing! No cyber stalking. No texting. Nothing. Radio silence. Ne exceptions!! Keep up the good work! Edited February 26, 2015 by mtnbiker3000 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 I knew I didn't love myself, but now I'll learn how to love myself. I feel really good after this first meeting. I'm looking forward to meeting with her for the rest of this semester, and hopefully being in a different place mentally at the end of the semester. I'm trying to think about positive qualities that I have, but I find myself thinking of more positive qualities that I left out about my ex.. I saw one of her close friends on my way to my appointment. I just looked at him. He said "how's it going?" I just said "it's going great" in a frustrated tone and kept walking. Was that a good idea? Should I just stop thinking about these interactions with people she knows? Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Good for you na! Everything she told you was what you already knew. I think you were also in love with the idea of being in a relationship and not necessarily in love with her. You couldn't list that many positive qualities and that's a huge sign. Self love is the hardest work you're going to do. You've got to love yourself before you can love anyone else! Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Before I left, I asked her if she thought I should text her (I was being serious). The look she gave me was priceless. She probably wanted to shove a parking cone up your ass for asking that question after that conversation That being said, I'm glad it was a good thing and if talking to someone in person can get you to channel some self-respect and create some self-love and boundaries, then that's a really good thing. Keep going and actually put the stuff she tells you into action. No more sitting around and moping. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NC-Thomas Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 self-respect and create some self-love and boundaries I am not looking for any direct answer to this question, but how do you love yourself? I see many people talking about self-respect and self-esteem. I know how to work on that, but self-love? I think self-love just sounds like a mix of self-esteem and self-respect. Link to post Share on other sites
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