That's all folks..

[Simon Phoenix]

Just dumping more thoughts here..

 

I feel like I want to give this one more shot, and just ask her where exactly she is at before I disappear. I realize that she basically has told me and shown me where she is at, but I'm still wondering "what if I fight a little harder?".

 

Then you look like even more of a schmuck. Don't be that guy.

[dontexpect]

Hi! I have to tell you that sometimes I come back here in LS just to lurk in your thread. Haha. We are almost going through a very similar experience. I was also very dependent on my ex. I also am suffering from low self-esteem. My ex meant the world to me. My ex also reached out to me a week ago after a month of not hearing anything from her. She wanted us to be friends again. I even agreed to meet up with her. That was a huge mistake. I got more mixed signals than closure. She was telling me about this new girl she is pursuing/seeing and, at the same time, telling me that I was the one she really loves. It was so confusing and whatever improvements I made over the past month just vanished. I ended up logging into her fb again and I felt more miserable than ever. Even more depressed than the start of the break up. And, ironically, that was what I was hoping for at the start--that she would contact me and we could be friends again.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. What I am trying to say is you are not alone and I am also rooting for you to pull this through! I agree with one of the posters here that said that you guys are still young and probably do not know yet what you want in another person. Maybe your ex wants to experiment what it is like to be with other people like mine. I know it is scary and lonely to be on your own but we are just still starting. You'll meet someone else in time. I'm sure of that. Just stick around and don't give up!

[mtnbiker3000]

It's been said many times here, and it's very true. You fight while you're in a RS. When it's over, there's nothing left to fight for... This RS is long dead!!

[na49]

Well I finally had my long awaited meeting with my counselor today. She told me she wasn't surprised that my ex came back, and told me that her new guy was able to see her flaws after a month. My ex needs to have a boyfriend, and only sees what these guys can do for her when she dates them. She wasn't looking at me when she dated me, but cared about how I made her look. That's why she didn't want to start slowly with our relationship, but have it on Facebook only hours after she was dumped. I was so good at seeing my ex for who she was before she emailed me.. I need to learn to do that again.

 

Meanwhile, I still have my rose colored glasses on when I look at her, even though she's hurt me so much. She is pushing me to start talking to girls, and asking girls if they want to go get something to eat. Just so I can get to know them, and see what I like.

 

I did see my ex briefly today. My heart dropped into my stomach, and I felt like crap. I felt like unblocking her and messaging her, but I think I can handle this urge.

[na49]

I thought that I'd be able to fight that urge, but I couldn't. I ended up checking her profile using a different account. I'm sitting here wondering "what if?" and want to just contact her one last time to see where we are at. Whether she wants me back, or not. She's definitely not sitting around thinking this over, and I'd hate to look desperate by messaging her while she's doing things with her friends.

 

I remind myself of all of the things she was writing about her new (ex) boyfriend, and it makes me angry. but I'm willing to just forgive and forget for another chance. I hate myself for responding to her email, and talking to her last week.

[Riptide91]

I have read every reply in this post and I can honestly say no matter what anyone tells you or how they try to advise you to get past this, you stick to your guns and keep digging your hole deeper. The people who are telling you not to contact, to block, all of these tips are trying to help you and honestly by the way you take their advice and throw it out the window every other post I'm really not sure what it is you want to hear or are looking for. I hope you figure it out because the more you prolong this and drag yourself over broken glass the more it is going to hurt you in the end. You need to help yourself heal and move on, that should be your only thoughts about this "relationship".

[Hopeful714]

"Where your at?"

 

Your at post break up! Everyone else sees this but you! I'm beginning to be concerned now.

 

She is not/has not been in touch with you. Is not trying to make up. She is/has

moved on.

 

Seriously na if you don't see this there's some really huge problems here and you better see you family doctor opposed to this counselor and get on some antidepressants.

 

Why aren't you grasping this?

[na49]

"Where your at?"

 

Your at post break up! Everyone else sees this but you! I'm beginning to be concerned now.

 

She is not/has not been in touch with you. Is not trying to make up. She is/has

moved on.

 

Seriously na if you don't see this there's some really huge problems here and you better see you family doctor opposed to this counselor and get on some antidepressants.

 

Why aren't you grasping this?

 

The reason I have all of these questions now is because she emailed me last week, and made me think she wanted me back. Then once she heard I couldn't just jump right back into the relationship with her, and she'd need to wait to put it on Facebook/work on it, she changed her tune and didn't want me back/thought we needed more time/wanted to be best friends. Even though she was pouring her heart out to me in her email.

 

She hasn't been in touch with me since Saturday when I told her I didn't think we should be talking. She used to be so persistent and would message me again after I told her that. Maybe she is just respecting my wishes? I have no idea where her head is at.

 

I honestly wish she was still with the guy she left me for. It'd make my life a lot easier to know that she was still getting stuffed by her new guy. Now that she is single again, I'm wondering if she wants me back as bad as she says she did.

[BC1980]

The reason I have all of these questions now is because she emailed me last week, and made me think she wanted me back. Then once she heard I couldn't just jump right back into the relationship with her, and she'd need to wait to put it on Facebook/work on it, she changed her tune and didn't want me back/thought we needed more time/wanted to be best friends. Even though she was pouring her heart out to me in her email.

 

She hasn't been in touch with me since Saturday when I told her I didn't think we should be talking. She used to be so persistent and would message me again after I told her that. Maybe she is just respecting my wishes? I have no idea where her head is at.

 

I honestly wish she was still with the guy she left me for. It'd make my life a lot easier to know that she was still getting stuffed by her new guy. Now that she is single again, I'm wondering if she wants me back as bad as she says she did.

 

Well, she's obviously not serious if she is so wishy washy. She is only concerned about her feelings and has zero concern for you. She doesn't even attempt to understand why you might be hesitant to try again. You asserted a boundary and a concern when you said you couldn't just press the reset button, and she ran. That tells me she wants her way, and she want what she wants when she wants it. Don't you see that awful quality in a partner? She only wants you back if you are ready to play doormat and abide by her rules. Otherwise, she isn't interested, and I think the fact that you asserted a concern about getting back together was a great litmus test. She failed, so good riddance.

[Hopeful714]

She is a young girl becoming a woman and she doesn't know what she wants because she hasn't had enough life experience yet to know.

 

Did you ever discuss a future with her? Marriage, kids, finances? Where you want to live? Or was this all about having a good Time hanging out and having sex? Are you ready to marry her? Be together and make a commitment for the rest of your entire life? If not your just clinging because you really don't have a life outside of her. And if you want to marry her don't you think marrying a 2 time cheater and a girl like this may just be a bad idea?

 

She tells you one thing....does another...wants to be friends..then you say let's not talk and she does respect that and moves on and now your upset again. Do you really want her as a friend while she's dating other dudes?

 

I'm just trying to throw out some reality here. Etc...if you want to be with her THAT bad then go ahead....contact...but I am willing to bet 100% she will either leave you again within a week or two, or think you are being stalkerish and see you as a low value doormat.

Edited March 27, 2015 by Hopeful714

[Hopeful714]

Have you gone out? Done anything with friends since the break up? Do you have people to go out with? Were all your friends her friends? You always complained about all her friends...this really isn't right. You can't isolate her.

 

THis is dependancy. You are basing all your happiness in life on whether or not you are still dating a girl who cheated on you. Certainly you've got to be seeing this.

 

What do you really have to offer her now anyhow? Pls get yourself together again and build a life based on you then find someone who wants to be with you because they appreciate you. Do you want her to come back because she feels bad for you? She's YOUNG...She wants to have fun... and be with someone who is confident.

 

Let this girl go ..or go buy a ring and propose marrige!

She will say no. you have work to do on YOU before you get in a rs again.

See that this rs has run its course.

Edited March 27, 2015 by Hopeful714

[mtnbiker3000]

Your mind is playing severe tricks on you. You are in crisis!!! Seek immediate intervention. This is dangerous!!! Seriously... Your mental health and well being are coming into question.

[na49]

We did talk about the future, and even had promise rings. Sometimes when I'd call her my girlfriend, she'd correct me and say "you mean fiance". I honestly saw myself marrying her, but I guess everyone saw themselves marrying their ex. I have asked myself why I would want to marry someone who has left me twice over the course of 3 years.

 

She might not know what she wants, but I think it's best for me to assume she doesn't want me. Someone who wants me doesn't leave me twice. She brought up how she thought we should be "best friends" and told me that she didn't care if she was the one who was making me happy. She didn't seem very sorry for anything she did to me. When she was apologizing, the apologies seemed pretty empty. She knows how to contact me, and I honestly won't be surprised if she contacts me again. She hasn't contacted me though, which should tell me all I need to know.

 

Hopeful, you're right. She is young. She's very immature, and probably doesn't really know what she wants. What frustrates me is how she wants to be a free soul and flirt with as many guys as she wants, but she also wants to have a boyfriend on her arm and have a relationship status on Facebook.

[Hopeful714]

I'm going to guess she acts like that because she has an attention seeking personality type. I'm sure you've taken psychology 101. Look up histrionics and or narcissistic personalities. Everyone possesses different personality characteristics to a certain degree.

 

But figuring her out is not the problem here. The problem is that you are "stuck" on thoughts of her, and that is very unhealthy to remain in that state. You should be concentrating on your own plans and life thus ultimately accepting that this didn't work out most likely because you are both very young.

[Simon Phoenix]

I really don't know what to say to you dude. You are so driven to deny reality that everything that everyone says to you falls on deaf ears. Besides seeing a counselor (which is good) you haven't done one thing to add to your life. You'd rather sit around and wallow than try to move forward and make yourself better, and that's sad to me. 31 pages and you're still rehashing the same sh*t you were rehashing on page one even though you have overwhelming evidence suggesting that it's over. You're almost becoming a Diet whatdoido123 (or whatever his name is, you know what I'm talking about) at this point.

 

This will go on another 31 pages, or more, until you actually make a concerted decision to try to move forward. But it's hard to want to help someone who doesn't really want help. These could be the best years of your life, but you are wasting them away by toiling for someone who has dumped you twice. You say you don't like it, but you sure aren't in a hurry to rectify the problem. It's just backsliding and excuses, backsliding and excuses.

[Jamesgar]

What you need to do here is to become the MAN! You are consistently rehashing things with this women. Not healthy man! She is confused and no good right now.

 

Within two weeks of a breakup I had signed up to a dating course, met three amazing women and had three cool dates. I had signed up to climb the tallest mountain in africa, joined a running club, signed up to a sailing course, booked a holiday with a friend I traveled with and am IN counselling.

 

I have also had 4 funerals within the past 6 months including one during the breakup.

 

My job affords me the chance to do these things but that's because I have ambition.

 

My point is you either sit here living your life in the past or you go and do something with your life! You only live once my friend. You either live in pain doing great things or you live in pain doing nothing but rehashing the past! Whats your choice here?

[na49]

I appreciate all of the help that I've gotten the last 30+ pages of this thread, and everyone's responses give me a little extra strength to push through this. I have had moments where I believe that things can get better if I make them better. I'm basically back to the start of my healing process, and although it's frustrating, I'm don't want to beat myself up.

 

I can work on getting myself out there, and my counselor can help me deal with these delusional thoughts. I won't be there over night, but I agree that it will take a conscious decision on my end to get out of this sh*t hole instead of trying to fix something that's been broken twice. I would have such an easier time with this if my ex was still with the guy she left me for. I'm not as angry about her leaving me to be with him now that he broke up with her..

 

I hope I continue to get support from everyone, but I don't blame anyone for feeling like their advice is for nothing because I haven't gotten much better. (because of my unwillingness to get better)

[mtnbiker3000]

Healing is like watching paint dry. It can be slow and un-noticeable... Give it time. Just don't throw a bucket of black paint over your freshly painted white wall!! You know what I mean...

[Simon Phoenix]

I appreciate all of the help that I've gotten the last 30+ pages of this thread, and everyone's responses give me a little extra strength to push through this. I have had moments where I believe that things can get better if I make them better. I'm basically back to the start of my healing process, and although it's frustrating, I'm don't want to beat myself up.

 

I can work on getting myself out there, and my counselor can help me deal with these delusional thoughts. I won't be there over night, but I agree that it will take a conscious decision on my end to get out of this sh*t hole instead of trying to fix something that's been broken twice. I would have such an easier time with this if my ex was still with the guy she left me for. I'm not as angry about her leaving me to be with him now that he broke up with her..

 

I hope I continue to get support from everyone, but I don't blame anyone for feeling like their advice is for nothing because I haven't gotten much better. (because of my unwillingness to get better)

 

The thoughts, while completely stupid and self-defeating, aren't why I'm at my last leg with you. It's the relapsing to checking her profile, answering her, blocking and unblocking, blocking then creating a false account to snoop and stalk her. It's one thing to stand in place when you aren't able to take a step forward, but it's one step forward, two steps back. Even the first time around you weren't like this. You were definitely whiny, but at least you were sticking to No Contact. You haven't even done that this time.

 

You need to stop making excuses and you need to stop being your worst enemy. This crap is hard, but it's even harder when you willingly sabotage yourself. I mean, I used to threaten you by smashing you with a crowbar. If I still had that crowbar, I'd have beaten the living piss out of you by now.

[na49]

That's a fair point. I do remember being able to ignore her text messages during the first breakup, and I would avoid her Facebook like the plague. This time, anytime she reaches out, I'm basically guaranteed to respond. Anytime I have the urge to look, I end up looking.

 

She knows just how to frame her messages to get a response out of me. She gave me the "my heart belongs to you, I'm so stupid" speech, but did a complete 180 when I talked about rekindling our relationship. I'm having such a hard time dealing with these thoughts. I hate not knowing exactly what she wanted. It's no excuse though, and I know I need to work on it.

 

I haven't looked at her Facebook in a few days, and haven't talked to her since last week. I'll take the little victories again because they're all I have. (again) I'm also going to work on my social skills, and just try talking to people. Every time that I've done that, I've felt better. It's a nice reminder that there are other people out there who aren't my ex.

[Simon Phoenix]

That's a fair point. I do remember being able to ignore her text messages during the first breakup, and I would avoid her Facebook like the plague. This time, anytime she reaches out, I'm basically guaranteed to respond. Anytime I have the urge to look, I end up looking.

 

The point is, it doesn't have to be this way. It's this way because YOU make it this way. Page 32 and you're making rookie mistakes.

[na49]

I just wish she was still in a relationship with the guy that she left me for. I had no trouble moving forward with the knowledge that they were together. It angered me to no end, and gave me the motivation I needed. Now that I know she is single, and emailed me asking for me back, I feel so messed up. If she wanted me back, why aren't we together? I'm so curious to know where she is at, and if she really wants to be with me.

 

The urges are all there right now. It's taking a lot for me not to crack and look at her Facebook/message her. I'll probably go for a run or something.

[mtnbiker3000]

[BC1980]

I just wish she was still in a relationship with the guy that she left me for. I had no trouble moving forward with the knowledge that they were together. It angered me to no end, and gave me the motivation I needed. Now that I know she is single, and emailed me asking for me back, I feel so messed up. If she wanted me back, why aren't we together? I'm so curious to know where she is at, and if she really wants to be with me.

 

The urges are all there right now. It's taking a lot for me not to crack and look at her Facebook/message her. I'll probably go for a run or something.

 

Her relationship status doesn't have any bearing on your healing. Nothing she is doing should have any bearing on you. We can all see that she is not serious about getting back together, and, even if she were, I'd advise against it.

[na49]

We can all see that she is not serious about getting back together

 

Remind me of how you can see this? I'm really screwed up right now, and can't see it.

 

She sent me a long email pouring her heart out to me. She ended up holding off when I asked about starting fresh/her getting my parent's respect back, but I feel like she has to be serious. Otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to me.