mtnbiker3000 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Remind me of how you can see this? I'm really screwed up right now, and can't see it. Because she is dating other people and NOT dating you... Is she chained to a tree?? She sent me a long email pouring her heart out to me. She ended up holding off when I asked about starting fresh/her getting my parent's respect back, but I feel like she has to be serious. Otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to me. Her reaching out is all about her and her selfish motives and has NOTHING to do with you or your well-being Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Na, STOP THE MADNESS. You are not in a healthy enough state of mind to be in a relationship. Who gives a f--k if she poured her heart out? She is not stable and neither are you. The only hope you ever have of getting back together is to get yourself healthy and happy. Any other thought about her is a waste of time until you do that. The horse is dead. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Remind me of how you can see this? I'm really screwed up right now, and can't see it. She sent me a long email pouring her heart out to me. She ended up holding off when I asked about starting fresh/her getting my parent's respect back, but I feel like she has to be serious. Otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to me. Pouring her heart out to you does not equate to her wanting a second chance. You said that when she mentioned a second chance, you said it would take some time and it wouldn't be so easy. That's a completely understandable request, but she backed away at that point. So once the relationship wasn't on her terms, she wasn't interested. She is interested in coming in and out of your life as she pleases, and she wants all the power. You showed an ounce of backbone and a boundary, and she ran. Big red flag. What you did was actually a good way to weed her out as a potential partner, so good for you. If she were truly interested in an adult relationship with mutual love and respect, she would have respected your hesitation and had empathy for you. She would have said that she understood where you were coming from and that she was willing to do what it took to earn the trust back. She wasn't interested in doing that. At best, she poured her heart out because it felt good to her at the time. She was emotional, but she's not interested in any type of relationship that involves empathy, trust, love, or respect. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Remind me of how you can see this? I'm really screwed up right now, and can't see it. She sent me a long email pouring her heart out to me. She ended up holding off when I asked about starting fresh/her getting my parent's respect back, but I feel like she has to be serious. Otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to me. Stop being weird. Seriously. You're being an idiot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Situasian Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Now NA i'm not sympathizing with you here but i understand what you mean by easier to move on when your knew your ex was with someone else. As much as i was recovering from my break up and even though i knew she was seeing someone else, it didn't really hit me until it was so called "fb" official. One of her friends who i am good friends with let me know and whilst i was making a recovery hearing this news hit me like a ton of bricks. In saying that i know i have to move on well and truly and even though i was already on NC to begin with this just made me realise how far i still had to go. So stick it out man and forget about her cause i promise you once shes found some new boy toy your the last person she will think of 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Pouring her heart out to you does not equate to her wanting a second chance. You said that when she mentioned a second chance, you said it would take some time and it wouldn't be so easy. That's a completely understandable request, but she backed away at that point. So once the relationship wasn't on her terms, she wasn't interested. She is interested in coming in and out of your life as she pleases, and she wants all the power. You showed an ounce of backbone and a boundary, and she ran. Big red flag. What you did was actually a good way to weed her out as a potential partner, so good for you. If she were truly interested in an adult relationship with mutual love and respect, she would have respected your hesitation and had empathy for you. She would have said that she understood where you were coming from and that she was willing to do what it took to earn the trust back. She wasn't interested in doing that. At best, she poured her heart out because it felt good to her at the time. She was emotional, but she's not interested in any type of relationship that involves empathy, trust, love, or respect. Thank you for this. It would actually be her third chance. She left me once before, and came back. Then left again.. I needed this reminder, but I still have some questions. How does pouring her heart out to me make HER feel good? How is her pouring her heart out to me a selfish move on her end? I hadn't done an ounce of chasing since a few days post breakup when she told me "It is over, what's there to speak of? I'm not looking back" That's when I took her hint, and was on a very slow track towards moving on. Until she came back again.. Now I'm just confused as hell. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 How does pouring her heart out to me make HER feel good? How is her pouring her heart out to me a selfish move on her end? It makes her feel good to get the emotions off her chest, but she didn't need to pick you as the recipient. It's like when you are super angry at someone, and it might feel good to scream and act crazy in the moment. But it's a short sighted emotional response. She felt bad, wanted to let her emotions out on you, and she did. She didn't stop to think that since you still love her, maybe it would be a good idea to stay way. She never thought that just maybe, she shouldn't be so trigger happy, and it might be better to deal with the emotions herself or talk to a friend. At the least, it's completely immature because the majority of people realize that they don't need to go poking around in a ex's life that they dumped unless they are serious about reconciliation. I can't believe she's that obtuse. You need to block her at this point, so you don't hear anymore noise from her. However, I am curious as to what exactly she did way. I imagine it as being a bunch of blubbering nonsense with no real objective. Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 How does pouring her heart out to me make HER feel good? How is her pouring her heart out to me a selfish move on her end? Because it conveniently makes her the victim of her own emotions. I'm guessing you consoled her and generally responded with caring and kindness, correct? Objective completed. Her emotional slate is now clean as a whistle. Meanwhile you are more confused, upset and angry than ever. See?? Now I'm just confused as hell. Of course you are. Want to know how to end your confusion and suffering? Hint* She will not help you with this... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 It makes her feel good to get the emotions off her chest, but she didn't need to pick you as the recipient. It's like when you are super angry at someone, and it might feel good to scream and act crazy in the moment. But it's a short sighted emotional response. She felt bad, wanted to let her emotions out on you, and she did. She didn't stop to think that since you still love her, maybe it would be a good idea to stay way. She never thought that just maybe, she shouldn't be so trigger happy, and it might be better to deal with the emotions herself or talk to a friend. At the least, it's completely immature because the majority of people realize that they don't need to go poking around in a ex's life that they dumped unless they are serious about reconciliation. I can't believe she's that obtuse. You need to block her at this point, so you don't hear anymore noise from her. However, I am curious as to what exactly she did way. I imagine it as being a bunch of blubbering nonsense with no real objective. Well she emailed me a few hours after her new guy left her. The same fella she left me to be with... She told me that he made her "feel wanted" and was "just there for her" when she left me (ouch). Then she was telling me that he didn't really care for her like I did. (umm what?). Could she have been emotional from her new breakup? and wanted to pour her heart out? Why pick me? She told me that she felt used for sex, but also said she plans on being friends with him down the line... and she is still best friends with this guy's brother. Her email read like an "I want you back" email. She said how she made a mistake (again), everyone thought she was being stupid for leaving, etc. (I guess those people are different than the ones who were congratulating her on her new relationship) Then I told her that I thought we needed to work on our relationship, and couldn't pretend like nothing happened. The thought of us having to work on the relationship, her not being able to post it on Facebook right away, and her having to gain my parent's trust again, all seemed to turn her away. I think I remember her saying at one point that she "wasn't sure if she should just move on, or keep trying". Link to post Share on other sites
seminoles84 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Could she have been emotional from her new breakup? and wanted to pour her heart out? Why pick me? She told me that she felt used for sex, but also said she plans on being friends with him down the line... and she is still best friends with this guy's brother. Yes she was emotional from the breakup. She picked you as my ex picked me when she got dumped after a month with her rebound and eventually it all went the exact same way things are going for you. She didn't want to reconcile she wanted the emotional support without the strings attached. As soon as she got her fill she moved on again. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Well she emailed me a few hours after her new guy left her. The same fella she left me to be with... She told me that he made her "feel wanted" and was "just there for her" when she left me (ouch). Then she was telling me that he didn't really care for her like I did. (umm what?). Could she have been emotional from her new breakup? and wanted to pour her heart out? Why pick me? She told me that she felt used for sex, but also said she plans on being friends with him down the line... and she is still best friends with this guy's brother. Her email read like an "I want you back" email. She said how she made a mistake (again), everyone thought she was being stupid for leaving, etc. (I guess those people are different than the ones who were congratulating her on her new relationship) Then I told her that I thought we needed to work on our relationship, and couldn't pretend like nothing happened. The thought of us having to work on the relationship, her not being able to post it on Facebook right away, and her having to gain my parent's trust again, all seemed to turn her away. I think I remember her saying at one point that she "wasn't sure if she should just move on, or keep trying". Because you're a sucker, an easy mark. That's why she chose you -- because she thinks you'll always be there for her no matter what and you're a perfect tool for her to get her confidence back up. Then she can do whatever she wants once that's accomplished, which is almost certainly leaving you, because you don't challenge her and she doesn't really respect you. I mean, don't you get sick of rehashing the same goddamn thing every day? You invent so many damn reasons to undermine yourself and talk yourself into being a spineless doormat it's almost impressive if it wasn't so completely sad. Just imagine what you could accomplish if you actually redirected this energy into being more social and having more hobbies instead of desperately trying to apply different shades of lipstick to the pig that is your twice-failed relationship? You waste energy and time inventing excuses and scenarios. I don't expect this to register for you because nothing registers for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Could she have been emotional from her new breakup? and wanted to pour her heart out? Why pick me? She told me that she felt used for sex, but also said she plans on being friends with him down the line... and she is still best friends with this guy's brother. Her email read like an "I want you back" email. She said how she made a mistake (again), everyone thought she was being stupid for leaving, etc. (I guess those people are different than the ones who were congratulating her on her new relationship) Then I told her that I thought we needed to work on our relationship, and couldn't pretend like nothing happened. The thought of us having to work on the relationship, her not being able to post it on Facebook right away, and her having to gain my parent's trust again, all seemed to turn her away. I think I remember her saying at one point that she "wasn't sure if she should just move on, or keep trying". She picked you because she needed male attention after being rejected. She went right back to a source (you) that she thought would accept her back. Her decision to email you truly as a knee jerk reaction based purely on emotion. I bet she was surprised when you actually weren't willing to take her back so easily. So the part about you not wanting her to post the relationship status on FB is a huge red flag. She wants to be "in a relationship" on FB for show, not because she genuinely wants to be with you and work on the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
smellysocksuni Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Hi na, Hey man. You know... sometimes you just gotta let things go. This girl is no good for you. I still miss my ex, but she's gone. This time next year I'll be fine. You? The longer you drag this out, the longer it'll take to heal. I'm not here to judge you or to criticise you at all - we've all been there. But... I dunno. There just comes a point where you gotta throw your hands up and say "I'm done". You've seen my threads, right? I was a WRECK. I still think about her. But where is she? She's gone. I gotta get on with my own life. Just today I rearranged my living room and threw some things out - that hurt a bit because I saw some old receipts from when we were together but.... I wasn't born to pine away for someone else. Look at that German plane crash, the one where the co-pilot crashed the plane? We're still alive, breathing, not ill - those people died for no reason, and people lost their family members, going through immense pain. They might not get over that. But we can get over this, it's just some girl that didn't wanna be with you, just let it go. You CAN do it, you know. You just gotta try. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Yes she was emotional from the breakup. She picked you as my ex picked me when she got dumped after a month with her rebound and eventually it all went the exact same way things are going for you. She didn't want to reconcile she wanted the emotional support without the strings attached. As soon as she got her fill she moved on again. Yup, and, as soon as he wouldn't take her back with no strings attached, she disappeared. She wants something that requires little investment because the OP isn't worth it to her. He's just become someone to pass the time with and stroke her ego. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 You ever heard of the term "Side Chick"? That's what you are. You're her "side guy". She runs off and hooks up with whoever fills her fancy but strings you along. She gave herself fully to this other dude. She said she felt used just for sex (which must have been really awesome to hear about!). Therefore, she was probably throwing it at him a lot to keep him interested. But, he got his fill, he got bored and kick her ass to the curb. Now, she comes running back to her "side guy" to waste time with while she's looking for the next guy to be with. And trust me, she would be looking. Dude, you are no ones' second choice. You are not a consolation prize. You deserve a girl that wants to be with you and no one else. A girl that you can say that she belongs to you as much as you belong to her. This girl isn't it. She'll be yours (for now) and will be with you (conditionally). You deserve more than that. The moment to can look yourself in the mirror and truly believe when you say to yourself "I deserve more, I deserve better" THAT'S when you start to heal. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) This is sooooo dysfunctional and I wish I could just shake you until you could see clearly. Once you finally have your moment of clarity you will be forever changed. Just how do we get you there?????? Edited March 31, 2015 by Hopeful714 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Reading my posts from the past few days have made me cringe. I really am in a sh*t hole, but I'm the only one who can get myself out of it. No amount of advice here will do me any good. It's nice to still have everyone's support, but this is my problem at the end of the day. I might keep thanking everyone, but I really can't help but feel appreciated by everyone here. I want to share what my counselor helped me to realize today. She helped me realize that the reason why I can't move on is because I am waiting for permission from my ex to move on. She isn't with me anymore, and hasn't been with me for almost 2 months. She left me to be with someone else. Even though that relationship failed, she still didn't want to be with me at the end of the day. Whether she was still with him or not doesn't matter though. That wouldn't give me the "permission" I'm looking for either. Unless I want to message her and ask her "Hey ex, can I move on, or should I wait for you to come back again?" (which I'm not going to do) I need to work on accepting that she is gone. It really is as simple as pushing her out of my thoughts. No amount of distractions will help me not think about her. I hope to work less on "getting over her" and more on me, my social skills, and my self image. I realize this is a lot of words with no action right now, but I want to finally get moving on this. I am sick of being stuck. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Well there's some positive stuff! I don't necessarily buy the permission thing but as long as you don't contact her asking for that...whatever. To be honest...you don't need her permission for anything and if you really think you do ....I'd say by not hearing from her...you got it. This won't be an easy journey but it's one you gotta take. And you will be so much stronger once your on your way. After 2.5 yrs...I still think of my ex....probably more then I should. Most likely because the relationship was real bad...and because I haven't met a replacement...yet,.... and because my ex...like your ex ..basically flitted away to the dating field like a bumblebee pollinating flowers, then found someone else. But that's just how they are. It has nothing to do with you or I as a person. Honestly though I can say I'm happy and in a great place. Have much to be thankful for ...and much going for myself. You,'ll get there too. And in the end, you will be happy you took the time to do the hard work on yourself that needed to be done. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 Thanks Hopeful! It's taking a lot for me not to act on these stupid urges, but I know that staying NC is what is best for me. It'll be a week of NC today (and a little more since I last talked to her). I've been through this enough to know that I will have good days and bad days. Today I woke up feeling guilty for telling her how badly I was hurting. She probably loved hearing that from me. I gave her the ego boost she needed during her newest breakup. Our anniversary would be next week, so I expect to have a hard time with that. I remember a few years ago, she ended up coming back on our anniversary and we got back together. So I'd be lying to everyone if I said I won't be scanning my email like a hawk, hoping to see an email from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Share Posted April 5, 2015 (edited) I haven't been posting in this thread every day because I've found that not writing about my feelings/ex has helped me feel better. Not significantly better, but I haven't felt like complete sh*t for a while. Well, I'm sitting here watching the Final Four, and I check my school email. Another freaking email from my ex... She wished me a Happy Easter, guilted me about blocking her everywhere, and not talking to her in person. She told me she doesn't think we should be together right now, but should stay in each other's lives if we want anything to happen in the future. She says that she is trying to figure things out for herself and explore. (if you want to explore, then go explore! leave me alone though! :mad:) According to her, "closing each other off is never a good idea because things can happen for us in the near to distant future." She acknowledges that she was the one who hurt me, but is very quick to say that we are both at fault. She did say that it's completely up to me what I want. but honestly I wish I didn't hear from her about this. "I don't think we should talk" means I don't think we should talk. I was getting ready to enjoy Easter with my family tomorrow, and now all I'll be thinking about is this email. (No I didn't respond. No I don't intend on unblocking her.) help me LS! Edited April 5, 2015 by na49 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 I haven't been posting in this thread every day because I've found that not writing about my feelings/ex has helped me feel better. Not significantly better, but I haven't felt like complete sh*t for a while. Well, I'm sitting here watching the Final Four, and I check my school email. Another freaking email from my ex... She wished me a Happy Easter, guilted me about blocking her everywhere, and not talking to her in person. She told me she doesn't think we should be together right now, but should stay in each other's lives if we want anything to happen in the future. She says that she is trying to figure things out for herself and explore. (if you want to explore, then go explore! leave me alone though! :mad:) According to her, "closing each other off is never a good idea because things can happen for us in the near to distant future." She acknowledges that she was the one who hurt me, but is very quick to say that we are both at fault. She did say that it's completely up to me what I want. but honestly I wish I didn't hear from her about this. "I don't think we should talk" means I don't think we should talk. I was getting ready to enjoy Easter with my family tomorrow, and now all I'll be thinking about is this email. (No I didn't respond. No I don't intend on unblocking her.) help me LS! Delete her email and block her e-mail address. She's trying to guilt you into being a safety net. Don't do it. No response, nothing. She's basically harassing you at this point. Don't let her win. She's desperate to get you back into a comfortable position. Don't let her desperation ruin your day. You don't have to obsess about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 na, It will be exciting for you the day you decide to start a new book. You have been rereading the same chapter over and over again hoping that the ending will be different. You know it is not going to change but you are not yet ready to close the cover and put it down. Having feelings for someone does not give them liberty to mess with your mind. When you accept that you alone control how much power she has in your life. We are on the same timeline for our heartbreak. You fell down her rabbit hole and haven't gotten back out. Come over to the side of healing and coping without her. 100+ days NC and feeling amazing. You can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 I haven't been posting in this thread every day because I've found that not writing about my feelings/ex has helped me feel better. Not significantly better, but I haven't felt like complete sh*t for a while. Well, I'm sitting here watching the Final Four, and I check my school email. Another freaking email from my ex... She wished me a Happy Easter, guilted me about blocking her everywhere, and not talking to her in person. She told me she doesn't think we should be together right now, but should stay in each other's lives if we want anything to happen in the future. She says that she is trying to figure things out for herself and explore. (if you want to explore, then go explore! leave me alone though! :mad:) According to her, "closing each other off is never a good idea because things can happen for us in the near to distant future." She acknowledges that she was the one who hurt me, but is very quick to say that we are both at fault. She did say that it's completely up to me what I want. but honestly I wish I didn't hear from her about this. "I don't think we should talk" means I don't think we should talk. I was getting ready to enjoy Easter with my family tomorrow, and now all I'll be thinking about is this email. (No I didn't respond. No I don't intend on unblocking her.) help me LS! That's a pretty manipulative email. She really knows how easily she can manipulate you, and it seems like you are stuck in the dysfunctional dynamic you have created over the years. I think you like the victim role because you only have yourself to blame for how you feel right now. Pages and pages of advice, yet you still leave your email open for her to contact you. Surprise surprise, she contacts you again, and now you are going to sulk on Easter. You need to get to a place where you actually want to help yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 That's a pretty manipulative email. She really knows how easily she can manipulate you, and it seems like you are stuck in the dysfunctional dynamic you have created over the years. I think you like the victim role because you only have yourself to blame for how you feel right now. Pages and pages of advice, yet you still leave your email open for her to contact you. Surprise surprise, she contacts you again, and now you are going to sulk on Easter. You need to get to a place where you actually want to help yourself. Yep, she knows exactly what she's doing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 Yep, she knows exactly what she's doing. And na knows exactly what he should be doing. And isn't doing it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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