That's all folks..

[darkbloom]

Stay strong na! We've had the same timeline for our breakup and I feel fantastic! Ive done over 6 months strict NC and not checking social media was a big hurdle for me. I used to check his obsessively to see if he was lying about what he was doing. I quit that cold turkey because it's not worth getting upset over. He is nothing to me now.

 

The only piece of information that has slipped through my NC boundaries is that he moved out of state to Las Vegas. Although it kinda stung at first, that is the most fantastic news because my odds of running into him drop to almost never.

 

Take her being with the new guy as the blessing that it is. She's allowing you to move on and heal. Yay. You can be the fantastic person that you really are and not worry about her.

 

Bigger and better things lie ahead.

[mtnbiker3000]

Dating is not, and never should be, a competition, between anybody. If you're single for a while, then so be it. Just because your ex, or some random, is dating and you're not. who gives a shyte? I've been mostly single for over 2 years since my BU. And, I assume she has not. Oh well. At this point, I just really hope she is happy. That's all!

 

Do what works for you. Get healthy. Get strong. Than worry about dating, but without any motivation from competition.

Edited June 30, 2015 by mtnbiker3000

[na49]

It really isn't worth getting upset over. I read stories about other people stalking their ex's social media, and none of them are positive. I got my "closure" when I saw her snuggled up with another random guy a week after she told me she had me on the hook thinking she wanted me back.

 

I'm afraid I won't be truly happy until I've found someone better than her. I don't want to continue the way I'm going, even if I'm doing fine. I just feel like part of me is missing, and I don't know if I'll have that without someone. I want to be content with my life, and be okay with being single instead of wishing I had someone.

 

When I have a weak moment, I check for emails from her. I checked last night and got nothing. Whatever.. it beats checking it obsessively every few hours like I used to.

[mtnbiker3000]

I'm afraid I won't be truly happy until I've found someone better than her.

 

Than you will never be happy. Seriously!! Someone else cannot make you happy. It's an illusion. And a dangerous one at that!!

 

I don't want to continue the way I'm going, even if I'm doing fine. I just feel like part of me is missing, and I don't know if I'll have that without someone. I want to be content with my life, and be okay with being single instead of wishing I had someone.

 

It takes time and effort. I'm 2+ years out and I still think about her all the time. Doesn't hurt as much now, but it's still there. Just like any scar.

[na49]

I know that I need to be happy with myself before a relationship, but I forgot how to do that. When something happens, I want to tell her. I realize I miss having a girlfriend, and she is just the only thing I know when it comes to that. I must love hurting myself mentally, because I insist on checking my school email even though I don't hear from her. I considered unfiltering her emails because it seems like a waste if I just check the trash folder.

 

Any holiday makes me think of her, which sucks. My birthday is this month, and I'd be lying if I said I don't hope to hear from her. (even though hearing from her will hurt me) I'm turning 21, and won't be doing anything crazy which makes me feel like a failure. It'll be my first birthday without her in 3 years..

[JollyDays]

You're alright na49, you're just having a nice little bump in the road right now. But it can't last forever.

 

 

I unblocked my ex a few days ago on FB just to be nosey, and afterwards, I felt REAL down.... So refrain from looking at social media of your ex. It'll do wonders for your mind. I blocked her again yesterday and it was like this anxiety that had been bearing down on my mind the past few days left.

 

 

As I told you a number of weeks ago, who cares who she's with? That mutha****a has to deal with ALL of her bull**** and drama, so see yourself as being paroled...HA!! She broke up with you, so she's free to see whoever, and SO ARE YOU NA49! Man, there's billions of women in the world, so stop sweating her, you understand me? I also remember telling you that there's probably a woman or two (or more) eyeing you right now on your college campus, ready to make a move on you. Think positively about all of this. This is a time for discovery and growth as a person.

 

 

Not to sound condescending, but you're 21. Get out there and improve your mind, heart, body, and soul, and the rest will follow. I think I told you a few months ago that if you don't start making plans for the final step in your journey---which will be erasing every online vestige of your ex through social media---you may eventually end up in your 30s and 40s like myself and others lamenting the fact that you blew so much of your youth sad, depressed, bitter, and letting life pass you by. Maybe bitter's a strong term in your case, but it isn't for so many of us. Good luck!

[na49]

You're right that I'm still young, and when I look at my situation from far away, it doesn't look so bad compared to those who are divorced/have kids with their ex/moved in with their ex and broke up/etc.

 

I'll be 21 in a few weeks, and I just know that this birthday will be difficult for me. I don't have anything exciting planned, and will probably end up just getting food and ordering a beer with my friends if they aren't busy. I'm actually hoping that I have to work just so I don't spend the day home checking my email praying she sends me something. It'll suck if she does, and it will suck if she doesn't.

 

I'm starting to wonder if being happy is simply a mindset. I have days where I'm feeling great, and things are really no different than the days I'm feeling like sh*t.

[Lizrd3000]

You're right that I'm still young, and when I look at my situation from far away, it doesn't look so bad compared to those who are divorced/have kids with their ex/moved in with their ex and broke up/etc.

 

I'll be 21 in a few weeks, and I just know that this birthday will be difficult for me. I don't have anything exciting planned, and will probably end up just getting food and ordering a beer with my friends if they aren't busy. I'm actually hoping that I have to work just so I don't spend the day home checking my email praying she sends me something. It'll suck if she does, and it will suck if she doesn't.

 

I'm starting to wonder if being happy is simply a mindset. I have days where I'm feeling great, and things are really no different than the days I'm feeling like sh*t.

Being happy is a mindset for me for sure, you have to work for it!

You can't sit on your ass and expect happiness to come, you have to do something to earn it.

 

What's wrong with getting a beer with your friends? That sounds about alright, man! I spend my birthday pining, don't do that to yourself. Have fun with your buddies, take a day off of work. You deserve that.

 

I hope you're doing well, glad to hear you're still alive!

[minimariah]

I'll be 21 in a few weeks...

 

you're 21... you're young and you will still be young in the next 20 years.

 

relax, young man. take it easy and enjoy the ride. happy early birthday.

[BriNyc82]

Happiness is a choice. All of your happiness cannot be dependent on one person. Imagine how much pressure it would be if someone else completely depended on you to make them happy? Yikes that's a scary thought.

 

Man, if I could look back at all of my relationships in my 20s I would shake my old self and say don't waste another tear on them! And I'm sure my future 40 year old self would be telling my 32 year old now self the same thing. Lol

 

Happy birthday!!!! Have fun! 21 is a big one!

[na49]

I've been doing well since I last posted. I went on vacation with my family, and really enjoyed myself. I saw couples all over the place, but didn't feel suicidal like I did the last time I went on vacation.

 

I feel like I should be further along in life than I am at the moment. I have no idea where exactly I expect to be, but I feel so far behind. My birthday is now a few days away, and I have no plans. I'm not excited about it at all. It'll just be another day, and the sooner it passes, the better. Her birthday is a few weeks after mine, so that will be my next obstacle. I have no intention of messaging her, just the thought of her spending it with her new boyfriend/friends and not with me will suck.

 

My ex really isn't the problem anymore. 3+ months of strict NC has made it all about me. I had a dream about her last night, and it sucked waking up this morning. I just remind myself that nothing's changed. I haven't went backwards in my healing, I had a bad dream.

[always.1985]

I have just read 43 pages of this thread.... I just couldn't stop myself.... I was kinda imagining the whole situation in my head...at some points I was getting frustrated and wanted to reach out of your computer and knock some sense into you.

 

You've been given some really great advice here and its obvious people really do care about your well being. I am 24 and I too made the mistake of taking my ex back and guess what he broke up with me AGAIN!! It happens to the best of us We are lucky though because we are so young and we can learn from these situations. I think like myself, you really need to work on your confidence and realise your worth. You are clearly a nice guy and will make someone very happy one day. BUT for that to happen you need to learn to LOVE YOURSELF first otherwise you will just be walked all over again. This girl is not worth your time, she has treated you like ****! Can you not see you deserve so much more!?!

I have been to University and so far they were the best years of my life - don't waste them please by stressing yourself over a silly girl.

[hunk]

na, i don't think i've posted in this thread yet but here i go.

 

You need to realize that your ex is not special. The things you did with your ex are not special, the emotional connection you had wasn't special and you there are literally millions of women who you will connect with on the same level, who enjoy the same things your ex did, who will do the same things with you and make you feel the same way. Right now you are trapped in a bubble, blinded to reality and the limitless potential for connection with other women. Everyone is replaceable, no one is special and no connection is truly rare or irreplaceable. The idea is to find someone who values you and respects you in the same way you value and respect them which leads to a long term relationship. Your ex just wasn't this person, just like millions of other women aren't that person, but millions of them ARE. She is a grain of sand and completely insignificant. Please enjoy your life and put yourself out there, try to put things in perspective and understand you are the only one hindering your healing and happiness right now. What you're doing now is essentially draining yourself and quite literally torturing yourself, she has nothing to do with this anymore, this is all on you. It's time to get out there and get on with it. It's time to be happy again and to make a conscious effort to be happy.

 

Hammer it into your head that she means nothing in the grand scheme of your life. She's just another chapter that's done - your childhood is over, high school is over, so is your time with her. You don't desperately cling onto high school memories do you? No, you look back at them fondly and realize what you learned from them and how they've shaped you as a person. You WILL find someone else but in order to do this you need to let go of the past and leave it there.

[dyna85]

I have to just say that I completely and utterly disagree with hunk and think he oversimplifies things way too much here. I think the connection you had with your ex was special, and there is no denying that fact or you wouldn't have been together for ~4 yrs. It's not every day that you meet someone with whom you'll want to be together for that long, let alone in a relationship.

 

 

With that said, it will take time to heal and process your emotions regarding the end of that relationship. You are only a few months out, and I think you're doing pretty well. I think holidays and birthdays are especially hard after a significant breakup such as yours because you always reminisce and think 'just maybe' you'll reconnect at that time for some reason. I remember after a breakup in college I felt the same way. Every holiday I wondered what he was doing and if he was thinking of me. However, it gets less and less as time goes on. You'll contemplate when you'll get over the person and stop thinking about the person, and the thoughts will be a constant in your life, until one day, they aren't a frequent nuisance, and you will have truly moved on and be in a better place.

 

 

While I think hunk has the best of intentions, I think it's easier said than done to just 'get out there and get on with it.' Sure it's best to make every effort to live your life, even in the midst of the emotional upheaval. However, healing is not an overnight thing, and you can't twist your mind into just accepting and moving on... it has to work its way through your system.

 

 

I just write this because I think its important not to deny yourself of your innermost thoughts and feelings, and you don't have to stuff it down and try to block it out. You can just be one with your feelings and still live and make it to the other side.

 

 

You will get there. It will just take time.

 

 

It's good that people are encouraging you and being firm to try to light a fire under you to heal quicker and move forward with your life, but the reality is that you cannot force feelings.

 

 

It took me ~3-4 yrs to get over my first love, so I can say that with you being only 5 months out, you're definitely normal to still have lingering emotions regarding the whole situation.

[na49]

Tomorrow's my birthday, but I got an early gift from my ex.. A f*cking email. I get it, I shouldn't have looked, but I was feeling weak, and I knew I would check at some point tomorrow. I'm not asking for answers, or what to do. I deleted it already, and feel sick right now. It read as follows..

 

The title was "I thought of you"

 

Hi *my name*,

I wanted to wish you a good birthday tomorrow. . . I wish that you could come back into my life. I know that the chances of that are pretty unlikely. I'm sorry that I ruined everything. I know that you said for a very long time it would be nearly impossible to even be friends, but I want you to know that no matter where you are in life I will always care for you. You deserve the best in life, and it is yet to come, I promise you. This e-mail is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do...so please understand that I'm actually at work right now and trying to keep my composure as I type. Happy 21st *my name*...let's talk of you're comfortable with that.

Sincerely,

I still care about you.

*her name*

 

 

Well, my day is f*cked tomorrow. This blows.. I get it. I shouldn't have checked my email trash folder. I couldn't help it. I'm to blame. I guess I just need some support right now.

Edited July 27, 2015 by na49

[Simon Phoenix]

Tomorrow's my birthday, but I got an early gift from my ex.. A f*cking email. I get it, I shouldn't have looked, but I was feeling weak, and I knew I would check at some point tomorrow. I'm not asking for answers, or what to do. I deleted it already, and feel sick right now. It read as follows..

 

The title was "I thought of you"

 

Hi *my name*,

I wanted to wish you a good birthday tomorrow. . . I wish that you could come back into my life. I know that the chances of that are pretty unlikely. I'm sorry that I ruined everything. I know that you said for a very long time it would be nearly impossible to even be friends, but I want you to know that no matter where you are in life I will always care for you. You deserve the best in life, and it is yet to come, I promise you. This e-mail is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do...so please understand that I'm actually at work right now and trying to keep my composure as I type. Happy 21st *my name*...let's talk of you're comfortable with that.

Sincerely,

I still care about you.

*her name*

 

 

Well, my day is f*cked tomorrow. This blows.. I get it. I shouldn't have checked my email trash folder. I couldn't help it. I'm to blame. I guess I just need some support right now.

 

Yeah, you f--ked up by not only checking that folder, but by opening the e-mail. It's not the end of the world though.

 

Don't respond, mope for the rest of the day, then move forward tomorrow and enjoy your birthday. This just shows that you have more work to do to get to indifference, which you knew. You won't fall apart as long as you don't take the bait. There was a lot of selfishness, talking about her emotions in writing it. That's BS, don't fall for it.

[na49]

Yeah, you f--ked up by not only checking that folder, but by opening the e-mail. It's not the end of the world though.

 

Don't respond, mope for the rest of the day, then move forward tomorrow and enjoy your birthday. This just shows that you have more work to do to get to indifference, which you knew. You won't fall apart as long as you don't take the bait. There was a lot of selfishness, talking about her emotions in writing it. That's BS, don't fall for it.

 

I realize that. Once I saw it, I knew I'd open it. Not opening it leaves me wondering what it said, and opening it leaves me where I am now. It's not an excuse, but it felt like a lose/lose. I wish I could put up a wall to prevent any and all contact. It'd make my life easier. This isn't a junk email either. Once the semester starts, I'll need to check it frequently to get information from my professors. Naturally, I'll probably check the trash folder because it's right there.

 

I wish I could say I don't care about her motives at all, but I do wonder. Why is it so important to have me be her friend? Why does she think that I'd want to get a happy birthday email from her? Does she really think I believe that sending me this email on her phone while she's at work is the hardest thing she had to do?

 

Somehow she managed to make wishing me a happy birthday about her. She's so dramatic, and exaggerates everything. Everyone knew that about her. That's why I am trying to just roll my eyes about this whole thing. It's hard though.

Edited July 28, 2015 by na49

[Simon Phoenix]

I realize that. Once I saw it, I knew I'd open it. Not opening it leaves me wondering what it said, and opening it leaves me where I am now. It's not an excuse, but it felt like a lose/lose. I wish I could put up a wall to prevent any and all contact. It'd make my life easier. This isn't a junk email either. Once the semester starts, I'll need to check it frequently to get information from my professors. Naturally, I'll probably check the trash folder because it's right there.

 

I wish I could say I don't care about her motives at all, but I do wonder. Why is it so important to have me be her friend? Why does she think that I'd want to get a happy birthday email from her? Does she really think I believe that sending me this email on her phone while she's at work is the hardest thing she had to do?

 

Somehow she managed to make wishing me a happy birthday about her. She's so dramatic, and exaggerates everything. Everyone knew that about her. That's why I am trying to just roll my eyes about this whole thing. It's hard though. I think I'm going to try crying later. (I'm pathetic, I know)

 

There is a wall preventing contact. You just keep leaping over that wall when you check the junk mail folder. You have the defense mechanisms to prevent this, but you aren't allowing them to do their job. You need to stop doing that.

 

As for the rest of it, it doesn't matter what she's thinking. I think her e-mailing you was completely self-serving. She wants you to think of her in a good light so she doesn't have to live with the guilt of f--king you over. She doesn't care if you want her e-mail -- she cares more about you letting her off the guilt hook. That's where the motivation lies.

 

As for the crying, no judging. Do what you need to do. But don't let this continue to beat you down. Using the sh--tiness of you crying as motivation to a) have the best birthday possible and b) to stop checking the damn junk mail folder. This was a completely self-inflicted wound, and now you are feeling the consequences from it. Learn -- don't make the same mistakes over and over. You kept feeling the flame, you got careless and jumped in it. Now you're burned. Lesson learned.

[Chi townD]

Come on, dude! You should be at the point when you opened it and read all of the trash that was in there, you should have said "WHATEVER" and carried on with your day. You got this frickin mental block in you that just won't let go of the pain. And it's frustrating to see.

 

 

I don't know how many times I got to tell you to make those positive changes in your life. They not a quick fix to make you feel better. THEY HEAL YOU!!!!! They get your self confidence, self worth and self esteem back up on their feet. They get you to a point that you could open up that email and say "WHATEVER! My life is great right now." Do you need me to go on?

[darkbloom]

Na,

 

Why do you keep jumping willingly on her roller coaster of craziness? All that time of NC lost. Again. You are better than this. Delete and block her email and enjoy your 21st birthday. You should be celebrating that you can do whatever the hell you want with no psychotic ex girlfriend to hold you back.

 

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

[Seralynette]

Hello there, OP!

 

I just want to wish you a brighter day even though your ex tried to bludgeon the chances of it last night while she was bored at work and trying to email you to relieve her "might as well" empty slot of time. It has been months that she placed you in a miserable spot, and too long that you let yourself simmer on the pan. And honestly?

 

You DESERVE to feel good again, and for good!

 

I know you feel terrible sometimes and it's really, really hard to get through the day without feeling like you just want to curl up in the bed and let the world pass you by (because to hell with trying so hard when your ex is clearly OK without you while you're not!). But that's not true!

 

You should give yourself a birthday gift as well. By writing a letter to yourself. Compliment yourself on all the little achievements you've accomplished. Remind yourself of dreams you had before you knew her. Look at a blank piece of paper and tell yourself, "This is my life. Blank right now, and full of space for chances." And know that YOU are its own author, own artist. YOU choose what to put in. You won't let her manipulate you anymore. Set yourself free.

 

Stay young at heart, stay fresh-minded, and stay brave; happy birthday!

[na49]

I tried listening to sad breakup music to make me cry last night, but I stopped after a few minutes because I just couldn't. I wanted to just burst out in tears, but it didn't happen.

 

I don't think I am breaking NC by reading an email she sends me. I'm not that far back in my healing. It's a bump in the road for sure. It's my fault for reading it, and feeling this way. I think I can get over this if I don't react though. I'm not responding. It's deleted. Now I need to practice my self control to not check the trash folder.

 

I knew today would be hard for me whether I heard from her or not. Her birthday is next week, so that'll be difficult too. If I could skip that day, I would. After that, I should be fine until I go back to school and have to worry about seeing her..

 

Also, Seralynette, thank you for that. It's exactly what I needed to read this morning.

[darkbloom]

I tried listening to sad breakup music to make me cry last night, but I stopped after a few minutes because I just couldn't. I wanted to just burst out in tears, but it didn't happen.

 

I don't think I am breaking NC by reading an email she sends me. I'm not that far back in my healing. It's a bump in the road for sure. It's my fault for reading it, and feeling this way. I think I can get over this if I don't react though. I'm not responding. It's deleted. Now I need to practice my self control to not check the trash folder.

 

I knew today would be hard for me whether I heard from her or not. Her birthday is next week, so that'll be difficult too. If I could skip that day, I would. After that, I should be fine until I go back to school and have to worry about seeing her..

 

Also, Seralynette, thank you for that. It's exactly what I needed to read this morning.

 

Na. We are on page 44 of this nonsense. It is a cycle.

[Simon Phoenix]

I tried listening to sad breakup music to make me cry last night, but I stopped after a few minutes because I just couldn't. I wanted to just burst out in tears, but it didn't happen.

 

I don't think I am breaking NC by reading an email she sends me. I'm not that far back in my healing. It's a bump in the road for sure. It's my fault for reading it, and feeling this way. I think I can get over this if I don't react though. I'm not responding. It's deleted. Now I need to practice my self control to not check the trash folder.

 

I knew today would be hard for me whether I heard from her or not. Her birthday is next week, so that'll be difficult too. If I could skip that day, I would. After that, I should be fine until I go back to school and have to worry about seeing her..

 

Also, Seralynette, thank you for that. It's exactly what I needed to read this morning.

 

Have you actually done anything this summer to better your life? darkbloom is right, it's page 44 and your progress is still incremental. I feel like you almost revel in staying in the muck out of fear or something.

[mtnbiker3000]

I don't think I am breaking NC by reading an email she sends me.

 

Really?? If you blocked her or changed your email, you would have never seen it. So, yes, it is breaking NC. You might as well meet for coffee...