edgar allan bro Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago, and he kept initiating contact, until he finally asked to see me about a month ago (I'm still not sure what the point of that meeting was). Anyway, while we were there, I told him that if he didn't intend on reconciling with me, that I wanted to be left alone, and that I wouldn't entertain the idea of being ''friends'' or hooking up with him like he asked. So I went into NC. Well, a few days ago, he writes to me, and tells me that he misses me. He says he screwed up, that the breakup was rash, that there wasn't really any good reason for it, and that he was just at a peak of anxiety in his life, which resulted in a massive tantrum. He just moved out out of his parents' house, is having trouble with college and work, and so I totally believe that he's stressed. I just wish I didn't have to pay the price. He says he keeps dreaming about me, and asked me to block him so he would stop stalking me online. He recognizes that he hurt me, and seems hesitant about returning to the relationship because he says he doesn't want to hurt me again if things end up going downhill. He says he would just be wasting my time, and at the same time, tells me that ''one day'', when he grows up, he might have the guts to ask me out again. I should add that he's hooking up with a bunch of other girls right now, and they're all completely crazy about him (he's a bit older than them, and so, he's like superman to them ). He realizes that I have a lot more to offer, and a lot more value than these girls, yet he still insists on delaying the decision to get back together. I feel like I'm being played. But to be honest, I have no clue what's going on his life. I have this hope that he doesn't want me to see him while he's having trouble standing on his own two feet in terms of work and school - that he wants to ''feel like a man'' or whatever it is that makes guys withdraw from their SOs for a while. Anyway, I could really appreciate some insight if anyone has experienced anything similar. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago, and he kept initiating contact, until he finally asked to see me about a month ago (I'm still not sure what the point of that meeting was). Anyway, while we were there, I told him that if he didn't intend on reconciling with me, that I wanted to be left alone, and that I wouldn't entertain the idea of being ''friends'' or hooking up with him like he asked. So I went into NC. Well, a few days ago, he writes to me, and tells me that he misses me. He says he screwed up, that the breakup was rash, that there wasn't really any good reason for it, and that he was just at a peak of anxiety in his life, which resulted in a massive tantrum. He just moved out out of his parents' house, is having trouble with college and work, and so I totally believe that he's stressed. I just wish I didn't have to pay the price. He says he keeps dreaming about me, and asked me to block him so he would stop stalking me online. He recognizes that he hurt me, and seems hesitant about returning to the relationship because he says he doesn't want to hurt me again if things end up going downhill. He says he would just be wasting my time, and at the same time, tells me that ''one day'', when he grows up, he might have the guts to ask me out again. I should add that he's hooking up with a bunch of other girls right now, and they're all completely crazy about him (he's a bit older than them, and so, he's like superman to them ). He realizes that I have a lot more to offer, and a lot more value than these girls, yet he still insists on delaying the decision to get back together. I feel like I'm being played. But to be honest, I have no clue what's going on his life. I have this hope that he doesn't want me to see him while he's having trouble standing on his own two feet in terms of work and school - that he wants to ''feel like a man'' or whatever it is that makes guys withdraw from their SOs for a while. Anyway, I could really appreciate some insight if anyone has experienced anything similar. He didn't respect your request that he not contact you unless he wanted to reconcile. Right there, that is a person who is not respecting your boundaries and is only thinking of himself. Based on what he has said, he is absolutely not serious about any type of reconciliation. He is making sure you are still there in case he wants to use you as a fallback. He sounds all over the place, so I would take anything he is saying with a grain of salt. It all sounds very impulsive and in the moment. Personally, I'd block him, and go NC. I suggest blocking because he clearly can't be trusted to stop contact on his end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Reading your past threads, he sounds like the kind of guy that revisits to get attention. The thing is, if he really felt that he lost a woman of value, he wouldn't have asked you to be a hook up. Nothing much has changed in a month. You can do better than this clown. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgar allan bro Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 He didn't respect your request that he not contact you unless he wanted to reconcile. Right there, that is a person who is not respecting your boundaries and is only thinking of himself. Based on what he has said, he is absolutely not serious about any type of reconciliation. He is making sure you are still there in case he wants to use you as a fallback. He sounds all over the place, so I would take anything he is saying with a grain of salt. It all sounds very impulsive and in the moment. Personally, I'd block him, and go NC. I suggest blocking because he clearly can't be trusted to stop contact on his end. I was puzzled when he wrote to me. I was even more puzzled when the conversation did not end with an agreement to try to get back together. My request was very clear, so the fact that he contacted me gave me hope that he had taken some time to think about some kind of prospect with me, but now... Yes, I have to agree with you. I'm just baffled that someone could really be this impulsive and selfish. It hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgar allan bro Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 Reading your past threads, he sounds like the kind of guy that revisits to get attention. The thing is, if he really felt that he lost a woman of value, he wouldn't have asked you to be a hook up. Nothing much has changed in a month. You can do better than this clown. But by now, he does understand that I won't just sleep with him - I've said it a million times. Do you really suppose that he's still looking for a shag? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 But by now, he does understand that I won't just sleep with him - I've said it a million times. Do you really suppose that he's still looking for a shag? Of course you won't just sleep with him but it's only a matter of time that you'll eventually give in. He knows this. Some guys can ride it out until they get what they want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgar allan bro Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 Of course you won't just sleep with him but it's only a matter of time that you'll eventually give in. He knows this. Some guys can ride it out until they get what they want. Are guys really that primitive? We had such an intense history, and I really thought he cared for my emotional well-being. I went into therapy shortly after the BU and he found out about it. Would he really damage me like that? Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 I was puzzled when he wrote to me. I was even more puzzled when the conversation did not end with an agreement to try to get back together. My request was very clear, so the fact that he contacted me gave me hope that he had taken some time to think about some kind of prospect with me, but now... Yes, I have to agree with you. I'm just baffled that someone could really be this impulsive and selfish. It hurts. It's called a bait and switch, and it's very, very common. It's difficult to understand when you don't have that mindset. It would probably never occur to you to treat someone like that, but I can assure you that it happens all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Are guys really that primitive? We had such an intense history, and I really thought he cared for my emotional well-being. I went into therapy shortly after the BU and he found out about it. Would he really damage me like that? One thing that I've learned in my many years is to never project your values, morals, standards and principles on other people. More than likely you'll be disappointed. If you had to go into therapy after your ending, isn't that proof enough that he is more than capable of inflicting damage? And when someone cares about you, they let you go so that you can heal from your pain, but this clown kept breaking NC and disrupting your recovery to fulfill his own selfish needs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgar allan bro Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 It's called a bait and switch, and it's very, very common. It's difficult to understand when you don't have that mindset. It would probably never occur to you to treat someone like that, but I can assure you that it happens all the time. I'm not familiar with that term. Could you please expand upon it? Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Are guys really that primitive? We had such an intense history, and I really thought he cared for my emotional well-being. I went into therapy shortly after the BU and he found out about it. Would he really damage me like that? Yes, guys really do like to keep women around to sleep with. Exes are a prime source for that. I had an ex try to pull this same thing multiple times, and I'm sure he was hitting up other women as well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgar allan bro Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 One thing that I've learned in my many years is to never project your values, morals, standards and principles on other people. More than likely you'll be disappointed. If you had to go into therapy after your ending, isn't that proof enough that he is more than capable of inflicting damage? And when someone cares about you, they let you go so that you can heal from your pain, but this clown kept breaking NC and disrupting your recovery to fulfill his own selfish needs. Yeah, I agree with you. He is very selfish. Disappointment in someone is probably the worst feeling to haunt people after a break-up. I just can't believe that this is the same guy who gave me so much to smile about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgar allan bro Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 Yes, guys really do like to keep women around to sleep with. Exes are a prime source for that. I had an ex try to pull this same thing multiple times, and I'm sure he was hitting up other women as well. Wow, I'm really saddened to hear that. Some people make me so sick. But I'm just too naive and optimistic for my own good. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 I'm not familiar with that term. Could you please expand upon it? I'm sorry:-) Basically, he baited you in by offering what sounded like a reconciliation attempt (saying the breakup was spur of the moment). Then, he switched the terms, asking you to block him on social media and showing no interest in reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Wow, I'm really saddened to hear that. Some people make me so sick. But I'm just too naive and optimistic for my own good. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/502923-did-he-leave-me-someone-else-updated Read that first post again. The jerk that he truly is. You need a reminder. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgar allan bro Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 I'm sorry:-) Basically, he baited you in by offering what sounded like a reconciliation attempt (saying the breakup was spur of the moment). Then, he switched the terms, asking you to block him on social media and showing no interest in reconciliation. Why on earth do they do that? To make sure they still have a foot in the door? Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Wow, I'm really saddened to hear that. Some people make me so sick. But I'm just too naive and optimistic for my own good. I was also fairly naive as far as relationships go until my last breakup. There are genuinely good people out there, but there are also people who mean you harm, people who would use you for their own means. I'm not saying all of these people are malevolent, malicious individuals. Some are, but some are not. At the very least, they are self-centered and not in a good head space. But yeah, it is kinda common for men to keep women on back up for sex. Especially younger men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgar allan bro Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/502923-did-he-leave-me-someone-else-updated Read that first post again. The jerk that he truly is. You need a reminder. Ugh. I want to throw up. These past three months have been hell for me. I wish he had just left me alone. I was looking forward to moving on at first, and then he started contacting me, and I became so confused. I feel so hurt and cheated. I spent my holidays at the hospital because I needed anti-depressants. I've opted out of taking them since then, but I can't explain how much pain I'm in right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgar allan bro Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 I was also fairly naive as far as relationships go until my last breakup. There are genuinely good people out there, but there are also people who mean you harm, people who would use you for their own means. I'm not saying all of these people are malevolent, malicious individuals. Some are, but some are not. At the very least, they are self-centered and not in a good head space. But yeah, it is kinda common for men to keep women on back up for sex. Especially younger men. But he's having all the sex in the world right now with girls who are more than willing, why would he even need a back-up? I can't help but think that whenever he thinks of me, I represent responsibility and commitment in his head. Not some easy lay. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Ugh. I want to throw up. These past three months have been hell for me. I wish he had just left me alone. I was looking forward to moving on at first, and then he started contacting me, and I became so confused. I feel so hurt and cheated. I spent my holidays at the hospital because I needed anti-depressants. I've opted out of taking them since then, but I can't explain how much pain I'm in right now. You need to block him. It's the only way to get over him and to completely heal. This guy won't leave you alone because he knows you are an easy target. He knows he can affect you. If you truly want to get over this you need to remove him and that means no access into your life i.e text, call, FB, Instawhatever, etc. You asked in your previous post that you can't imagine someone inflicting damage on you -- damage done my dear. It's time you put a stop to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 But he's having all the sex in the world right now with girls who are more than willing, why would he even need a back-up? I can't help but think that whenever he thinks of me, I represent responsibility and commitment in his head. Not some easy lay. Those women are possibly women he just has sex with. You're the one he will have sex with, have fun with, provide him with company, a safe place he can go home to at the end of the day -- a sure thing. You don't represent responsibility and commitment because in his head it doesn't have to be that way. You're projecting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 But he's having all the sex in the world right now with girls who are more than willing, why would he even need a back-up? I can't help but think that whenever he thinks of me, I represent responsibility and commitment in his head. Not some easy lay. I think you probably represent someone familiar. It sounds impersonal, but I feel that is closest to the truth. He doesn't want responsibility and commitment. He wants all the benefits of commitment without the actual commitment. Don't reduce yourself to being that person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgar allan bro Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 I think you probably represent someone familiar. It sounds impersonal, but I feel that is closest to the truth. He doesn't want responsibility and commitment. He wants all the benefits of commitment without the actual commitment. Don't reduce yourself to being that person. No, I don't want to and I don't think I'll ever allow myself to sink to that level. I'm just having a very rough night. I just feel so cheated by someone who was very close to me, and broke up with me on a whim. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 No, I don't want to and I don't think I'll ever allow myself to sink to that level. I'm just having a very rough night. I just feel so cheated by someone who was very close to me, and broke up with me on a whim. I understand completely. For a long time, I felt very betrayed, cheated, scammed, just like I was basically thrown out like trash, like my ex played a big trick on me. Those are tough feelings to get through in general, but, when the person causing those feelings was supposed to love you, well. . . . it can get pretty bad. I've often said that when the dust settled and I was past the hyper emotional stage, the most difficult thing to come to terms with was the fact that there was someone out there who could hurt me so deeply. A person who strung me along for his own purposes and seemed to show little remorse. It changes the way you view life and people. It changes your entire life map. My ex was like yours. Always texting, saying he missed me, saying it might work "one day." Trust me, I've been there and done that. It's all BS. Complete and utter shyte to keep you in the fallback position. This person could care less about your healing and well being. All he is concerned about is talking to you when he wants to. Getting his fix of you when it's convenient for him. You can get through this, but you need to block him and go NC. You will slowly realize that you deserve better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Why on earth do they do that? To make sure they still have a foot in the door? I think it's more to see how far they can push your boundaries. In your case, you ex legitimately made it sound like he wanted a second chance, but he never outright said it. He said he "make a mistake in the spur of the moment." He was just saying that stuff because he knew it would get your attention, and you would listen to him. Before you knew it, he was asking you to block him. So your ex got what he wanted, which was an audience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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