how to keep affair history secret if affair turns into relationship?

[anika99]

I don't think it bodes well for the OW or her relationship with the MM to continue to stay a hidden secret after the MM leaves his wife. I've read various forums and it just seems to never work out in the OW's favor. The longer she agrees to stay hidden the more the MM wants to hide her. It's like once she agrees to that position the MM also sees her in that position and won't bring her out of the closet. I've even read stories where the MM has left, kept the OW a secret and then gone on to get another gf while still keeping the OW on the side. If I were an OW I would insist on being brought out in the open as soon as possible.

 

 

Also I think this rarely goes according to plan. It's very unlikely that the MM will be able to exit his marriage without the BW finding out about the affair. The only way I could see that happening is if the BW is wanting out of the marriage as much as the MM wants out. Then she's not really going to care about his reasons for leaving, but if she wants her marriage and her husband she is not going to just walk away before turning over every stone and doing all the digging she can to find out why her marriage is ending. I think cheating MM get caught a lot more often then cheating MW because they mistakenly think their BW is too dense to find out so they don't go to great lengths to cover their tracks or conceal the affair.

[whichwayisup]

I can't put myself in his wife's shoes. I can imagine what it is like to be cheated on because I have been in that situation, but that is not the same thing. I don't have her life experiences, I don't have the experience of being married to him, I don't even know if she has any feelings left for him. I always feel like this sort of call is meant to have someone realize "I would hate this done to me, therefore the situation is wrong and I will not participate in it." But people and situations are more complicated than that.

 

You were cheated on by your husband, so you know firsthand what pain and betrayal feels like. Respectfully, not sure why you can't empathize or have compassion for his wife. Betrayal is betrayal and she will feel that way and feel hurt when she finds out.

[Sub]

I understand what you're going for here. And it's a - I guess - noble search for information. I would assume almost all people involved in A's don't think it will be found out, though, or do everything they can to "discover-proof" it. But best laid plains and all that. The one tangible thing you can do to possibly minimize the effects of it if it's discovered is to not leave a paper trail. My WW didn't do this, I found A LOT of information/dialogue, and parts of it kind of haunt me at times. (The flipside is that if I hadn't, my imagination would have filled in the blanks anyway.)

 

So the main point: you can only control so much. And there's another human being involved in this, whom you can't control at all.

[elaine567]

I don't think it bodes well for the OW or her relationship with the MM to continue to stay a hidden secret after the MM leaves his wife. I've read various forums and it just seems to never work out in the OW's favor. The longer she agrees to stay hidden the more the MM wants to hide her. It's like once she agrees to that position the MM also sees her in that position and won't bring her out of the closet. I've even read stories where the MM has left, kept the OW a secret and then gone on to get another gf while still keeping the OW on the side. If I were an OW I would insist on being brought out in the open as soon as possible.

 

 

In the same way perhaps a FWB tends to stay a FWB.

She is not seen by the man as gf or wife material.

[Realist3]

Talk about putting the cart in front of the horse...

 

"Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth."-- Mike Tyson

 

Your MM is going to get punched in the mouth. He will have to deal with a lot of things from every angle once he starts down that path.

 

But let's assume everything goes perfectly. On the first page someone mentioned a year, and that seems about right. You would be naive to think at least one or two people don't suspect something, including his wife. A year would give a decent believable buffer.

 

I'm going to guess that in the coming months, year, years... you will find the truth in my first statement.

[Realist3]

I don't think it bodes well for the OW or her relationship with the MM to continue to stay a hidden secret after the MM leaves his wife. I've read various forums and it just seems to never work out in the OW's favor. The longer she agrees to stay hidden the more the MM wants to hide her. It's like once she agrees to that position the MM also sees her in that position and won't bring her out of the closet. I've even read stories where the MM has left, kept the OW a secret and then gone on to get another gf while still keeping the OW on the side. If I were an OW I would insist on being brought out in the open as soon as possible.

 

 

Also I think this rarely goes according to plan. It's very unlikely that the MM will be able to exit his marriage without the BW finding out about the affair. The only way I could see that happening is if the BW is wanting out of the marriage as much as the MM wants out. Then she's not really going to care about his reasons for leaving, but if she wants her marriage and her husband she is not going to just walk away before turning over every stone and doing all the digging she can to find out why her marriage is ending. I think cheating MM get caught a lot more often then cheating MW because they mistakenly think their BW is too dense to find out so they don't go to great lengths to cover their tracks or conceal the affair.

 

 

The reason it doesn't bode well is because keeping a relationship secret sucks. It sucks much worse after you are free from the marriage.

[stillafool]

the universe (or our own unconscious mind) will find or create situations that will bring it out into the light.

 

You are correct about the above and the universe will also bring your secret to light. Best to be honest because it will be found out.

[miseenscene]

You are correct about the above and the universe will also bring your secret to light. Best to be honest because it will be found out.

 

Those are completely different things. I don't actually believe the universe is a magical powerful force that can do things. The point I was making is, the neglected or suppressed parts of us have a way of making themselves known if we ignore them, if not in one way then in another, in a way that often seems like "the universe" is just giving us signs. I don't think there is some magical automatic mechanism by which secrets automatically come to light. Statistics I have seen on the subject range from 50% to 80% of affairs never being discovered.

[Minnie09]

Those are completely different things. I don't actually believe the universe is a magical powerful force that can do things. The point I was making is, the neglected or suppressed parts of us have a way of making themselves known if we ignore them, if not in one way then in another, in a way that often seems like "the universe" is just giving us signs. I don't think there is some magical automatic mechanism by which secrets automatically come to light. Statistics I have seen on the subject range from 50% to 80% of affairs never being discovered.

 

Yeah, but that applies to those that end, not to those that result in an official relationship. I think chances are slim to maintain the secrecy. Many people will suspect and put two and two together, no matter how long you wait.

[Sub]

I wouldn't pay attention to statistics in regards to an A. I'm sure the 20-50% that were discovered had the same thought you did.

[miseenscene]

You were cheated on by your husband, so you know firsthand what pain and betrayal feels like. Respectfully, not sure why you can't empathize or have compassion for his wife. Betrayal is betrayal and she will feel that way and feel hurt when she finds out.

 

Sure, I know what that feels like, and I can feel compassion in that sense. But people and situations are complicated. I can genuinely regret that this is how this situation is happening, but that does not mean I am going to break off our relationship. I don't think it would help anything in any real sense. I am not the problem in their marriage, just like the problem between myself and my ex-husband was not his affair partner. Affairs are just symptoms that get mistaken for causes. Maybe they truly are causes in perfectly happy marriages that are suddenly shattered by an affair, though I don't believe that ever happens, but definitely not in marriages that are circling the drain. My compassion or even my non-involvement is not going to change the fact that he does not love her. And contrary to what I have seen people say on here (the grass is greener where you water it, etc.), I don't believe that you can make yourself love someone, and like everyone else I make choices based on what I believe to be true.

[miseenscene]

I wouldn't pay attention to statistics in regards to an A. I'm sure the 20-50% that were discovered had the same thought you did.

 

I didn't quote the statistics in support of any certainty on my part that we won't get found out, we might or might not. I quoted them in response to a post that said essentially that eventually all affairs come to light. Which they don't.

[miseenscene]

Yeah, but that applies to those that end, not to those that result in an official relationship. I think chances are slim to maintain the secrecy. Many people will suspect and put two and two together, no matter how long you wait.

 

I mean this as a completely genuine question--what statistics did you look at that were specifically about affairs that end? The ones I saw did not make such a distinction, but rather assessed overall how many affairs in general were never found out, regardless of duration or outcome.

[Trimmer]

Those are completely different things. I don't actually believe the universe is a magical powerful force that can do things. The point I was making is, the neglected or suppressed parts of us have a way of making themselves known if we ignore them, if not in one way then in another, in a way that often seems like "the universe" is just giving us signs. I don't think there is some magical automatic mechanism by which secrets automatically come to light. Statistics I have seen on the subject range from 50% to 80% of affairs never being discovered.

I actually agree with you that the universe isn't some magical being with a will that delivers things to us based on our prayers, our misdeeds, or how much we visualize an outcome.

 

However, I'm not sure, but I thought the statistic about 50-80% of affairs not being discovered, as someone pointed out, is for affairs within a marriage, when the affair ends and the marriage continues. If you are applying that to your situation, you should realize that you are talking about just the opposite, so that statistic may not give you much guidance.

 

I think Realist's point is reasonable:

But let's assume everything goes perfectly. On the first page someone mentioned a year, and that seems about right. You would be naive to think at least one or two people don't suspect something, including his wife. A year would give a decent believable buffer.

It's not anything deterministic, but I would say a few weeks or a month would be too soon (i.e. suspicious) and you certainly shouldn't need to wait 5 or 10 years....

 

However, even in the "year" type timeframe, you will be working against people's natural suspicions. Even if you hadn't had anything going with your new partner, if he divorced and then ended up with you after a year or so, many people would incorrectly assume that this relationship was related to his breakup. (After all, you knew him and worked with him during your marriage, right?)

 

So your desire to keep it all a secret is already working against an uphill battle: even if you hadn't been together, and there existed no indication or clue of a relationship, people will still gravitate to that assumption.

 

Now, given that you do already have a relationship, you may think you've kept it a secret, but the people around you know that you know each other well, they can probably read that you are fond of each other, etc. No matter how careful you've been about your actual relationship, you've probably dropped subtle - maybe even subconscious - clues. These perceptions will only add to the presumption that any relationship that forms after a divorce must have been in play at (or before) the time the marriage broke up.

 

Bottom line:

BH, put 2+2 together and realized how far back this must have gone.

People (including the BS) will have a tendency to look for a reason for the divorce. They will try to "put 2 and 2 together." A relationship that develops - even if you manage to hold out, and suffer through a whole year of continued high secrecy until you allow anything to "go public" - will only add fuel to that process. And then, even though you've been careful, you've probably been dropping subtle clues all along the way, which will all come into focus.

 

Edit to add: I see your additional comments about affair statistics. I don't have any solid info for my thoughts above. I just think that if you are looking at "overall" statistics, you might find that the statistics for your particular situation are a relatively small subset, and the overall stats may not give you much useful guidance, as it will also depend very much on the perceptions of the people around you - people who know you work together, people who probably sense that you are good friends, and fond of each other, etc...

Edited February 3, 2015 by Trimmer

[truncated]

i don't know if this will help or not, but it may give you something to consider.

 

My brother met his second wife while he was still married to his first. His marriage ended, and after what he and his former ow considered to be an appropriate legth of time, they "came out" and pretended they had met after the divorce.

 

The problem was that, as these things often do, the truth came out, and everyone in both our family, his ow's family, and his ex wife all felt lied to. This led to all concerned parties not trusting either one of them or their relationship, which ended a few years after they married.

 

I can't advise what to do in your own situation, but I would take away from the story I related that honesty is usually the bet policy, as you never know when the truth could come you, and if it does, it can hurt a lot of people to know they have been lied to.

[spookysonata]

Say he does leave. Are you prepared to maintain a lie about your relationship to the world, for the rest of your life? Just so you can avoid messy unpleasantness?

The poster above really said it best; honesty is the best policy.

[miseenscene]

Say he does leave. Are you prepared to maintain a lie about your relationship to the world, for the rest of your life?

 

yes, I am prepared to do that.

[Minnie09]

I mean this as a completely genuine question--what statistics did you look at that were specifically about affairs that end? The ones I saw did not make such a distinction, but rather assessed overall how many affairs in general were never found out, regardless of duration or outcome.

 

I am saying this because all surveys I've ever looked at usually focus on married couples that are asked whether or not they've ever cheated in their M, and if so, have they come clean / been found out / been able to keep it a secret? I may have misinterpreted this, and maybe they DO include those that have left and remarried. Generally speaking, statistics are usually very biased and prone to inaccuracy, so percentages usually don't really say much. Participants lie and answers are often inconsistent.

[Furious]

 

he has a child, as do I. That is the main reason--it would be my preference to minimize anger and tension for the sake of easing a blended family situation.

 

Additionally, although we don't actually work together, all three of us are in the same relatively small professional community, we attend the same professionalization workshops and conferences, so a second concern is avoiding gossip among colleagues if possible.

 

I don't know if he is going to leave his wife for me or not, that is something that he is sorting out.

 

if he were to leave his wife it would be because he could not continue in his marriage regardless of what would happen with us, but if he decided that he was going to leave for that reason, then yes, we would be openly involved.

 

 

You, MM and his wife are in the same small professional community and attend the same workshops and conferences.

 

His wife knows you in a professional setting, and correct me if I'm wrong, you've most likely chatted with her in various work related functions and appear friendly. You are not a stranger, and as you describe the small professional community, chances are people may have noticed, despite your best effort to remain below the radar.

 

But..the thing is, as you say, "you don't know if your MM is going to leave his wife for you, it is something he is sorting out". It's obvious he has not made you any promises or given you a time line, as you don't know what he intends to do. He is sorting things out in his head, which in my observation translates into... can we just leave things as they are.

 

To specifically seek out how to conceal an affair in the event you should become a legitimate couple after his divorce seems like putting the cart before the horse if you are not even sure he will leave his wife, as you say "he" is sorting this out.

Edited February 3, 2015 by Furious

[SoleMate]

OP, I understand you want advice only on HOW to do something and the likelihood of success. I hope you'll forgive me for both answering that and adding some thoughts as to WHETHER you should do it. First of all, the HOW:

 

.........for people who were involved in affairs that went on to become primary relationships........did your former spouse ever find out that the relationship started prior to the marriage ending, or were you able to keep that part a secret? ........Do you have suggestions for how to minimize the chances of such an after-the-fact discovery? Did you take conscious steps to avoid it?

 

Although I don't have firsthand experience, I'll answer based on 2nd-hand observation. To minimize the chances of discovery, minimize the discoverable footprint: the calls, letters, being seen together (including when and where and how you act), adopting each other's activities, habits, turns of phrase. In fact this was all well known back in frontier days: People Will Say We're In Love Lyrics by | From Oklahoma Soundtrack Basically, as others have said, the pattern is so common and assumption is so automatic that it's really hard to fight. You'd have to go to low contact or NC, plus each member of the A would have to carefully maintain a cover r/s. You could have a faux boyfriend, whereas the cheater could pretend to be happily married. Moving out of state and changing your employment and social circles would be ideal. Putting LOTS of time in there will help, as long as it's at least two years, preferably 4 or 5. (NOTE: I do not recommend this entire scheme, but nevertheless I am answering the question you asked.)

 

Now as to WHETHER you should do it: I wish you could find a relationship that doesn't have to be hidden. The very act of hiding any r/s tends to distort it and flavor it with dishonesty. And I believe it's the height of wishful thinking to believe that this plan results in a smoother happier time for anyone, let alone overall. You'd have to work very hard at hiding this truth.

 

Statistics I have seen on the subject range from 50% to 80% of affairs never being discovered.

As others have noted, that applies to ongoing marriages, in which case the fact of continued marriage provides 75% of the needed cover. If MM's marriage ends, people will look around for the reason. You'd have to be in extreme deep hiding or longterm NC to avoid being prime suspect #1.

[miseenscene]

He is sorting things out in his head, which in my observation translates into... can we just leave things as they are.

 

Thank you. As I wrote, the feedback I am looking for is not speculation about his motivations or the likelihood of him leaving his marriage.

[goodyblue]

My guy was preparing to leave and our timeline was for August. The December before his ex dug into his gym back, got in his runners and pulled out a pair of socks to wear to work. Our bat phone was inside those socks. There was no paper trail etc... my point is, I guess, she will find out. Be prepared for that.

 

Something else, both my guy and I were honest with our families about what was happening with us and that helped the transition. If they accepted us, so would everyone else eventually. And they did. We did keep our relationship quiet, not flaunting it, for some time after he left. We didn't live together, we didn't go to work functions together, we kept it quiet. When we did go public it was fine. His family likes me and mine, his. Had we been stupid about it things could have been bad. We pretty much started a new relationship, dated, got to know one another as two single people. I think that saved us, we took it slow and didn't rush. Some people know, but don't really care. Except his ex. She HATES me and would stab me in the eye with an ice pick if she could get away with it.

 

Just take it slow, don't worry who knows and be prepared to stand behind your decision.

[miseenscene]

My guy was preparing to leave and our timeline was for August. The December before his ex dug into his gym back, got in his runners and pulled out a pair of socks to wear to work. Our bat phone was inside those socks. There was no paper trail etc... my point is, I guess, she will find out. Be prepared for that.

 

Something else, both my guy and I were honest with our families about what was happening with us and that helped the transition. If they accepted us, so would everyone else eventually. And they did. We did keep our relationship quiet, not flaunting it, for some time after he left. We didn't live together, we didn't go to work functions together, we kept it quiet. When we did go public it was fine. His family likes me and mine, his. Had we been stupid about it things could have been bad. We pretty much started a new relationship, dated, got to know one another as two single people. I think that saved us, we took it slow and didn't rush. Some people know, but don't really care. Except his ex. She HATES me and would stab me in the eye with an ice pick if she could get away with it.

 

Just take it slow, don't worry who knows and be prepared to stand behind your decision.

 

Thank you, this is helpful to read.

[Got it]

I have. My ex husband doesn't know about the affair. I separated about 4-5 weeks after the affair started and we divorced a year later (state law). We divorced amicably and have stayed friendly with both of us remarrying. I did date and marry my AP. We did have a dday with his ex wife and kids, so his kids did know who I was. We have been married for a couple years, together in total almost a decade. His oldest has a bit of a strained relationship with us, his two younger ones have a close relationship with us, the relationship with his ex wife is cordial and has improved since our marriage (I did not meet the kids until the divorce was finalized so that was two years after dday, we didn't marry for another two years).

 

In regards to others, some people know (I was very open about the affair with my family and friends so many knew) and some people don't know.

 

I would recommend not introducing the kids and having them interact during the affair with the AP. One, it compounds the outrage of the BS when it is found out and you deal with the kids feeling an extra level of betrayal for their unaware role. I think it is hard to keep things a secret. It can be done but it needs limited involvement, a short time period, and I think limited future involvement.

[MissBee]

Hello. I have been reading these fora for about three months now and have found the diversity of opinions and perspectives interesting and valuable. This is my first post here, and I hope people who have been in my situation can share their experiences.

 

I have been involved with a married man for a year and a half. I don't know whether he will leave his wife--he may or may not, that is something that he is in the process of figuring out--but if he does, it is my deep hope that his wife does not find out that he was involved in an affair prior to leaving. My question is specifically for people who were involved in affairs that went on to become primary relationships. If you left your spouse without disclosing an affair and continued your involvement with your affair partner in the open, did your former spouse ever find out that the relationship started prior to the marriage ending, or were you able to keep that part a secret? Same question if you were the affair partner in such a scenario. Do you have suggestions for how to minimize the chances of such an after-the-fact discovery? Did you take conscious steps to avoid it?

 

I hope that it is okay and does not offend anyone to add that what would be helpful to me is limited to answers to this specific question. Although this is my first post, as I mentioned, I have been reading LS for some time, and while it is full of thought-provoking and helpful discussions, I often see threads on here that are about specific aspects of affairs become free-for-alls for people's opinions about affairs in general. I hope that by posting in this sub-forum I can get concrete advice about this particular scenario without it becoming a discussion about morality of affairs in general or speculations about whether or not he will leave his wife, whether married men in general leave their wives, etcetera. I turn to this community because I don't know a lot of people who have been in such a situation in real life, so I hope that a forum dedicated to people involved in affairs can help me learn how this scenario has played out for others.

 

 

I think this is one of the wishes, among others, that stems from conflict avoidance, i.e. I've seen many questions over the years where the OP wants to know that everything can work out but with zero to minimal conflict at all, no one finds out anything and there is absolutely no fall out. I don't fault that desire, I mean who doesn't want that? But more often than not, that's only in a perfect world, and usually the reality is that there is some conflict or something we have to resolve and it all doesn't just come together seamlessly.

 

I'm saying that to say that there are lots of variables to this which you can't control. He hasn't left as yet, so it's all very much still a gamble in terms of what factors will come into play if and when he leaves and how they will affect if you can hide it or not. It is still possible for a dday to occur, there isn't any 100% fool proof way to prevent it, so I think you're probably going to have to revisit it when your situation is more immediate, as if it's all in the speculation stages now of if he leaves, then we don't really know all the facts which will be current and relevant at the time.

 

In theory though, I suppose you'd have to continue being in a secret relationship with him for several months to a year after he leaves before you come out as a couple if you want to make it seem like he just met you recently. You'd probably also have to come up with a story about when and how you met that you can tell people when asked socially as people sometimes do ask how you met your SO or when. I figure this all will be more of an issue more recently after the divorce than later on.