how to keep affair history secret if affair turns into relationship?

[Got it]

I really think there is some hyped up fantasies of what may or may not happen. Could them, sure. Do they always, no. I will say, and have said, having an affair is playing russian roulette. There are too many chances at play that can cause you to get caught. You have to be analytical and really decide what is the best idea moving forward.

 

For me, since I had no ties to my ex, and I have stood by my reasoning to divorce and have never second guessed it, adding in the knowledge of the affair was adding insult to injury. But I stand by knowing that he could one day find out and I will be there to hear out anything he wants to say.

 

The hard part you are dealing with is kids. Kids are always going to matter greatly, their opinions are going to matte greatly and they outcome of getting caught cheating, even decades later, is going to impact greatly. So it is a roll of the dice on what you/he decide to do.

 

Telling the truth is easiest because it is the truth. Lying can be done but it is harder when you have to actively remember the lie. So do a risk analysis. But. (and big but) until he actually divorces this is all a moot point. Just take one step at a time and don't mix the kids. You won't regret not having interacting with them but you can easily regret adding them in and then adding to the fall out.

 

What you two can also look at doing is actually putting the relationship on hold and let him decide/move on what he needs to do.

[Shadowburn]

I wouldn't worry too much about what to do when your affair turns out to be real relationship.

It won't. He won't leave his wife. it's sad that you wasted year and a half already on this man. Don't waste another minute and find someone available.

[Have_hope]

Regardless of the ending, honesty is the only way to truly move forward, together or apart.

[Ruffian1]

" If you left your spouse without disclosing an affair and continued your involvement with your affair partner in the open, did your former spouse ever find out that the relationship started prior to the marriage ending, or were you able to keep that part a secret? Same question if you were the affair partner in such a scenario. Do you have suggestions for how to minimize the chances of such an after-the-fact discovery? Did you take conscious steps to avoid it?"

 

Well, you two seem to have been successful hiding it for a long time now, it should be even easier once he is not living with the BS anymore.

 

 

Logically, being successful in keeping it a secret will depend upon several factors, namely, where he physically moves into once he leaves. From there you two will have to come up with a plan on how to get together where it is safe (no eyes). If he is lives somewhere with neighbors near, that could be a problem for you to meet there. Most AP's meet each other in some secluded spot, like a parking lot or back road. Then there are out of town hotel/motels when meeting in back seats get's old. Seems easy enough if you don't mind being hidden, which you don't seem to mind.

[goodyblue]

" If you left your spouse without disclosing an affair and continued your involvement with your affair partner in the open, did your former spouse ever find out that the relationship started prior to the marriage ending, or were you able to keep that part a secret? Same question if you were the affair partner in such a scenario. Do you have suggestions for how to minimize the chances of such an after-the-fact discovery? Did you take conscious steps to avoid it?"

 

Well, you two seem to have been successful hiding it for a long time now, it should be even easier once he is not living with the BS anymore.

 

 

Logically, being successful in keeping it a secret will depend upon several factors, namely, where he physically moves into once he leaves. From there you two will have to come up with a plan on how to get together where it is safe (no eyes). If he is lives somewhere with neighbors near, that could be a problem for you to meet there. Most AP's meet each other in some secluded spot, like a parking lot or back road. Then there are out of town hotel/motels when meeting in back seats get's old. Seems easy enough if you don't mind being hidden, which you don't seem to mind.

 

I never did what you are describing. Never really been a back seat of a car kind of gal. Really, that is offensive. But what you say is correct, being hidden is part of the affair dynamic, but it doesn't mean OW like it. Most of us mind.

[Raena]

I've never witnessed this scenario working out well for anyone. Usually the BS finds out the truth one way or another. It might be before they divorce, it might be after, but sooner or later, the truth comes out.

 

My ex husband tried to keep his affair hidden from me like this as well and he was successful... until his OW made a point of telling me the truth a couple years later. By the time I found out, I didn't care anymore because I was over the relationship and had already been divorced for 2 years. We didn't have children together though.

 

It's highly unlikely that the scenario you have described could ever really happen. The only way I see that it could is if the BS doesn't care and wants to divorce him anyway and doesn't want to know the truth about why he left or when you two met. That's probably not going to happen since there are children involved. She may want to get to the bottom of why their marriage didn't work out... even if it's just to make sense of it all. The chances of her never figuring it out, no matter how long you wait afterwards, are slim.

[bathtub-row]

Posted in wrong thread...

[Sub]

By the time I found out, I didn't care anymore because I was over the relationship and had already been divorced for 2 years. We didn't have children together though.

 

This brings up an interesting point as it pertains to the percentages of people who get away with it. Obviously, the people being asked in some of these surveys are the WS's or APs. But I wonder how common it is for BS's to in fact know about the infidelity, but don't let on because they either didn't care at that point or were in some way embarrassed.

[goodyblue]

This brings up an interesting point as it pertains to the percentages of people who get away with it. Obviously, the people being asked in some of these surveys are the WS's or APs. But I wonder how common it is for BS's to in fact know about the infidelity, but don't let on because they either didn't care at that point or were in some way embarrassed.

 

I had a friend in high school who's father had a girlfriend. He tooled around the neighborhood with her squished up next to him in his truck all the time. Everyone knew and nobody discussed it, including his wife, who turned a blind eye. They are in their late 70's now... still together. He is still an arrogant jerk and she is still a doormat.

[Lurkeraspect]

I had a friend in high school who's father had a girlfriend. He tooled around the neighborhood with her squished up next to him in his truck all the time. Everyone knew and nobody discussed it, including his wife, who turned a blind eye. They are in their late 70's now... still together. He is still an arrogant jerk and she is still a doormat.

 

Well yuck. Just yuck.

 

Funny how I've read about many affairs here that seemed to transpire in a truck.

 

I made out in a truck once...I was 16.

[gettingstronger]

Sorry, but quoting stats from a dating website for married persons made me laugh- of course their research shows if you use their product nothing bad will happen-

[Harborview]

What is your goal on not getting found out? The kids will be devastated by a divorce regardless of the reason, his wife will be devastated too. I don't buy your reason is to minimize their pain, it's to keep your hands clean. I'm guessing his wife is in a higher position than you in your field, I'm guessing she could destroy you and that's why you are so concerned with her finding out the truth. It's to protect you, not his poor kids or wife's feelings.

 

Nonetheless, the best way to hide the A is for the MM to leave no electronic paper trail. No cell records or credit card transactions tying him to you. Then once he leaves his wife you may want to wait 6-12 months before dating publicly. In fact, he might want to casually date another woman before going public with you. I would even encourage him to become more argumentative with her, maybe start drinking heavily to give her a reason to not suspect an A and that her marriage is ending because of marital problems. Pretty crazy right? Manipulative, dishonest... Do you see that all of these behaviors/strategies are on the MM. It's because this is really out of your control. I would focus on what you have control of.

 

On a side note, my good friend's husband left her two years ago saying he was unhappy in the marriage and denied any A. She believed him completely. Never, ever thought he'd cheat. It was her attorney that encouraged her to hire a PI and what do you think they found? He cheated on her with multiple OW's for at least the last 10 years of their marriage. He tried so hard to hide his trail as they have significant assets that he wanted to protect, and the A's and current OW was still discovered.

 

Like I said, focus on the things that you have control of.

[autumnnight]

What is your goal on not getting found out? The kids will be devastated by a divorce regardless of the reason, his wife will be devastated too. I don't buy your reason is to minimize their pain, it's to keep your hands clean. I'm guessing his wife is in a higher position than you in your field, I'm guessing she could destroy you and that's why you are so concerned with her finding out the truth. It's to protect you, not his poor kids or wife's feelings.

 

Nonetheless, the best way to hide the A is for the MM to leave no electronic paper trail. No cell records or credit card transactions tying him to you. Then once he leaves his wife you may want to wait 6-12 months before dating publicly. In fact, he might want to casually date another woman before going public with you. I would even encourage him to become more argumentative with her, maybe start drinking heavily to give her a reason to not suspect an A and that her marriage is ending because of marital problems. Pretty crazy right? Manipulative, dishonest... Do you see that all of these behaviors/strategies are on the MM. It's because this is really out of your control. I would focus on what you have control of.

 

On a side note, my good friend's husband left her two years ago saying he was unhappy in the marriage and denied any A. She believed him completely. Never, ever thought he'd cheat. It was her attorney that encouraged her to hire a PI and what do you think they found? He cheated on her with multiple OW's for at least the last 10 years of their marriage. He tried so hard to hide his trail as they have significant assets that he wanted to protect, and the A's and current OW was still discovered.

 

Like I said, focus on the things that you have control of.

 

First, this post is amazing!!

 

Second, all bets are off. If either of you have told anyone at all about your A, you are subject to being found out. And because you have posted it on the internet, anyone with an obsessive personality, an axe to grind, and some tech saavy could expose you too. So you will never be able to rest easy.

[miseenscene]

Thank you everyone who responded to this thread on-point and actually engaging with my question. It was interesting and helpful to hear the range of people's experiences.

[Ruffian1]

"I never did what you are describing. Never really been a back seat of a car kind of gal. Really, that is offensive. But what you say is correct, being hidden is part of the affair dynamic, but it doesn't mean OW like it. Most of us mind."

 

 

Ahh, I was addressing the OP questions, Goody, not you.

 

 

And she did clarify she was ok with hiding and being a secret.

 

 

And I certainly did not preach to her or question her morals.

 

 

And ALOT of AP's bring their own cars to a pre-determined out the way spot to meet. It is a standard way of being together when you can't meet at each others houses or in a public area. If that is "offensive" to you, well, get real, it happens a lot in A situations.

[goodyblue]

"I never did what you are describing. Never really been a back seat of a car kind of gal. Really, that is offensive. But what you say is correct, being hidden is part of the affair dynamic, but it doesn't mean OW like it. Most of us mind."

 

 

Ahh, I was addressing the OP questions, Goody, not you.

 

 

And she did clarify she was ok with hiding and being a secret.

 

 

And I certainly did not preach to her or question her morals.

 

 

And ALOT of AP's bring their own cars to a pre-determined out the way spot to meet. It is a standard way of being together when you can't meet at each others houses or in a public area. If that is "offensive" to you, well, get real, it happens a lot in A situations.

 

Hm. Maybe. I just know it didnt happen in mine, and tbh I don't know anyone who did that...

[goodyblue]

"I never did what you are describing. Never really been a back seat of a car kind of gal. Really, that is offensive. But what you say is correct, being hidden is part of the affair dynamic, but it doesn't mean OW like it. Most of us mind."

 

 

Ahh, I was addressing the OP questions, Goody, not you.

 

 

And she did clarify she was ok with hiding and being a secret.

 

 

And I certainly did not preach to her or question her morals.

 

 

And ALOT of AP's bring their own cars to a pre-determined out the way spot to meet. It is a standard way of being together when you can't meet at each others houses or in a public area. If that is "offensive" to you, well, get real, it happens a lot in A situations.

 

Lol. Point taken.