compulsivedancer Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Feeling kind of unexpectedly emotional. I went to an event today because my STBXH asked if I could help him out by taking a few pictures. It's an event that I used to attend monthly and take photos, so I thought it would be fun to go to and see some of the regulars. It was his father's birthday, so his mom was there. I had a great time seeing her. I think it was the first time I've seen her since we separated, and it really was nice to catch up. You know, when you are married, you don't just marry the person you are with, but his whole family. And when you divorce, you lose that family, too. It's so incredibly unfair. On the one hand, it's truly impossible to keep the relationships you had, but on the other hand, they can be an important part of your life. Sure, I'm still friends with them on Facebook, but it's just not the same as seeing them on the holidays and during important moments in your life. I didn't realize how much I missed my mother-in-law until I saw her today. She has been an important person in my life, and it just kind of sucks to lose her. I don't think there's really a solution to this. I'm divorcing her son. I'm planning to move out of this town. I'm never going to "go home" to her house for holidays with her son again. It's always possible that this was the last time I'll see her. It just feels incredibly sad. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Feeling kind of unexpectedly emotional. I went to an event today because my STBXH asked if I could help him out by taking a few pictures. It's an event that I used to attend monthly and take photos, so I thought it would be fun to go to and see some of the regulars. It was his father's birthday, so his mom was there. I had a great time seeing her. I think it was the first time I've seen her since we separated, and it really was nice to catch up. You know, when you are married, you don't just marry the person you are with, but his whole family. And when you divorce, you lose that family, too. It's so incredibly unfair. On the one hand, it's truly impossible to keep the relationships you had, but on the other hand, they can be an important part of your life. Sure, I'm still friends with them on Facebook, but it's just not the same as seeing them on the holidays and during important moments in your life. I didn't realize how much I missed my mother-in-law until I saw her today. She has been an important person in my life, and it just kind of sucks to lose her. I don't think there's really a solution to this. I'm divorcing her son. I'm planning to move out of this town. I'm never going to "go home" to her house for holidays with her son again. It's always possible that this was the last time I'll see her. It just feels incredibly sad. It IS sad...but a sad fact of divorce. I was not super close to my husband's family, but it still feels odd that all contact has been cut off and I have no idea what, if anytning, he has told them. He is so private, it is possible he has told them nothing...only one sister lives nearby. So I am not in the same situation as you, but I can see how it could be another source of pain. I know my sister's ex (divorced many years ago) was not willing to "lose" my parents, and managed to keep up a good relationship with them until they died. So you may be able to do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 My brother and sister-in-law were divorced 17 years ago. He was an alcoholic (recovering alcoholic for past 12 years). THey had two kids together so of course we stayed in touch. Some years were rougher than others. Kids in their 20s now. Neither my brother or my ex-sister in law got remarried. Her family was small. She has been invited to Christmas and Thanksgivings over the years. This year right before Thanksgiving her mother passed unexpectedly. Her kids were worried for their mom and she had no plans for Thanksgiving. I invited her and she came. My brother was there too. They get along now for the most part. She was so grateful and enjoyed her time with us. I invited her for Christmas and she came again. I guess my point is that over time, I think you could have a relationship with your ex's family. It doesn't sound like you have kids, but it doesn't mean you won't stay in touch. Of course, if you meet someone else, you might not have time. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Its a result of the choices we made along the way. Some people can actually maintain a good relationship with x's family members but I think in your case its not going to work out well. I hope this helps you see how important it is to be honest with people and get more help for yourself. There is nothing wrong with leaving someone when you are not in love with them anymore but bringing other people into the relationship really never works out. I hope as times goes on you will be able to move on and live a more healthy life. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Have you spoken to her about this? Don't assume just because you and your H are divorcing that she is out of your life for good and you two will never get together or speak again, especially since you were close with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 Not specifically, but we had a good time and I invited her over to see my new kitten (and by extension, my apartment). She seemed happy to see me. I still run into H's brother and dad semi-regularly, so as long as I'm in town, I don't think they will be out of my life completely. I doubt I'll ever see his sister again. I'd probably have to attend a family event, and I don't see that happening. Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 Its a result of the choices we made along the way. Some people can actually maintain a good relationship with x's family members but I think in your case its not going to work out well. I hope this helps you see how important it is to be honest with people and get more help for yourself. There is nothing wrong with leaving someone when you are not in love with them anymore but bringing other people into the relationship really never works out. I hope as times goes on you will be able to move on and live a more healthy life. Clay H and I actually parted fairly amicably. We still see each other at least once a month to talk about various things like bills, the house, mail, etc. And we spent almost 2 years together post DDay. I'm not expecting everyone to invite me to Christmas, but I'm not on bad terms with anyone in the family (though his brother doesn't seem to be my biggest fan...but there are some additional reasons for this, due to him being our roommate for a while). Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 I too have been thinking about this just recently, I miss my MIL (FIL died a few years ago) and now that we are no longer in contact I wish I had spent more time with her and talking to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 ExFIL was a bad drunk. So bad that the MIL grabbed the kids and moved them across country to get away from him. ExW had a younger brother just starting high school. Fantastic kid, studied hard, helped around the house. I am a model builder, and I taught him how to scratch build Star Wars models, as kits were not available. In so doing I became a father figure to him. This was over 30 years ago. He came to me one day, as he had a shot at getting a paper route, if I could loan him $25 to buy a used bike. He paid me back within a month. He wanted the route not so much for himself, but also to help out his mom. Fantastic kid. He was devastated when Ex and I breakup. 15 years later I run into the ExMIL at the post office as she is getting out of a white car. Only question I have is how is my ExBIL doing. He got a college degree, married with two girls. Last summer, another 15 years plus later, in a residential area, that I pass frequently, I notice a man doing yard work who looks like he could be a grown up version of my ExBIL, being helped by a young boy who calls him grandpa. And there is a white car in the drive way. Google the address, it belongs to my ExMIL Now that I know, I have seen him and a couple of times the kids working the lawn on the weekends. I so badly want to stop and talk. But that is the past, so never will 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I myself am not sure how to handle this. I wrote off my in-laws and my wife's siblings. Not to be cruel but I figure they are going to end up accepting the om eventually and it would just make things more uncomfortable. However I think I am going to stay in contact with the nieces and nephews. We have been in each other lives for almost 30 years and they have expressed to me that I will always be their favorite uncle no matter what has happened, though they understand me stepping away for a while. We will see how it works out I guess. The nephews on my side have expressed no interest in maintaining anything with my stbxw. It will be interesting to see how this plays out over time. I suspect I will drift out of the picture as time goes on but we will see. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 H and I actually parted fairly amicably. We still see each other at least once a month to talk about various things like bills, the house, mail, etc. And we spent almost 2 years together post DDay. I'm not expecting everyone to invite me to Christmas, but I'm not on bad terms with anyone in the family (though his brother doesn't seem to be my biggest fan...but there are some additional reasons for this, due to him being our roommate for a while). Cheating really is like a bomb that just keeps on blowing up over time. Its something that people really do not just get over or move passed easily. I understand why you might want to engage with his family and have some kind of a relationship with them but over the course of time most of the secrets of your betrayal will come out and they will more than likely side with there family member than the person that hurt them. I am glad to hear the both of you are doing things in a nice reasonable way but there is not much you can do but try to keep your mind open and give them time. Who knows maybe in time you will grow to be close with them again. The best thing you can do now is just be honest and respectful. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsOptimist Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 It is sad indeed, but as others have mentioned, you can still keep a relationship with his family. It will not be the same, but it has been comforting to know that my exH's family has kept up with me and my life since the D. I email one of exH's sister's regularly to stay in touch. She lives in another state, but if she were closer I have no doubt we'd see each other every now and then. When we were divorcing she told me that gaining a sister doesn't happen often, and that just because her brother and I were divorcing that she didn't want to lose me as a sister. She also still mails me a Christmas gift every year. I also keep up with my former mother in law via email. I used to see her on occasion during and post-D, but she also lives out of state now and that's much harder. She has even met my fiance! She is truly happy to know that I am doing ok and moving on well with my life. She always tells me that other extended family members of his pass on their well wishes to me. I am still friends with most of his family on facebook. She, too, mails me a Christmas card and gift every year, and it still makes me cry that she cares enough to do that. I sent her a photo Christmas card with my fiance and future step sons and told her that I hoped she could hang it on her fridge with other cards, but that if she couldn't, that was ok. I still wanted to send it. ExH used to be very sensitive to seeing photos of me moving on - he even told his mom to stop commenting on my photos on facebook. She did stop for awhile, but not anymore. She tells me she loves seeing new photos of my happy new start in life. Even though I don't physically see his family much at all post-D, some of the relationships have actually grown since the D. I feel closer to his sister and mom after the D, and I know I still have their support if I ever need it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 2.50, you should stop and see him. As long as you're not creepy about it, he'd probably appreciate catching up. No need to become his best bud - just stop and say hi, and see where life has taken him! Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 Cheating really is like a bomb that just keeps on blowing up over time. Its something that people really do not just get over or move passed easily. I understand why you might want to engage with his family and have some kind of a relationship with them but over the course of time most of the secrets of your betrayal will come out and they will more than likely side with there family member than the person that hurt them. I am glad to hear the both of you are doing things in a nice reasonable way but there is not much you can do but try to keep your mind open and give them time. Who knows maybe in time you will grow to be close with them again. The best thing you can do now is just be honest and respectful. Clay H told them about the A after DDay, so they have known for two years. I imagine he told them the broad strokes vs the fine details, but even so. Link to post Share on other sites
lgspot Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 CD, no reason you can't transition from MIL/DIL to her close friend. The greater portion of your adult life was spent as her "family." As your life goes forward with class and dignity, she most probably would enjoy sharing in your accomplishments. My ex used to get aggravated how close I remained to her family and has been known to make $hitTy comments. Once she was angry they weren't paying any attention to her new flavor and commented to her mom and grandmother "you love him more than you love me." Her grandmother told her, he left you; he didn't leave us!" Gotta love those grannies! Even today, all these years later, they expect to meet anyone I'm dating. Her daughter even tries to set me up with her friend's divorced mothers and will not let me get serious without her stamp of approval. For Thanksgiving there was a plus-one invitation to their family dinner. True that blood is most often thicker than water, but divorce doesn't necessarily dictate total closure of family connections. Nor does distance in this age of technology and instant communication. I would suspect if you are happy, she would be happy for you and the rest of the family would follow her lead. Only reason I could see not to cultivate the continuation of a friendship with her/them is if its too emotional for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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