Which gender ends relationships?

[Mangiafuoco]

Hello all, this is an article published on Psychology Today. I found it very interesting so i share it with you.

 

Source: (link)

 

--------

 

Which gender ends relationships?

Post published by Elizabeth Aura McClintock Ph.D. on Feb 03, 2015 in It’s a Man’s, and a Woman’s, World

 

It is well-established that women end more marriages than men (Braver, Whitley, and Ng 1994; Brinig and Allen 2000; Hewitt 2009; Hewitt, Western, and Baxter 2006; Kalmijn and Poortman 2006). Regardless of who is asked (him or her) and what measure is used (e.g., who wanted the divorce more, who filed the legal papers), women are the “dumpers” and men the “dumpees” in about 2/3 of divorces (Braver, Whitley, and Ng 1994). This same pattern is reflected in the termination of dating relationships (Helgeson 1994). By both her and his report, women are more likely to end dating relationships than are men; in addition, regardless of who ends the relationship, women are more likely to have anticipated the breakup. This gender difference in desiring and anticipating relationship dissolution may partially explain the gender gap in well-being post-breakup (men fare worse after a breakup than women; see my earlier blog posting).

 

Why do women leave?

 

Rubin, Peplau, and Hill (1981) find that men fall in love more readily than women while women fall out of love more readily than men. Moreover, contrary to stereotypes of women as starry-eye and sentimental, women are more cautious about entering romantic relationships than men and quicker to exit a troubled union. Women also tend to be more aware of relationship problems (Helgeson 1994; Rubin, Peplau, and Hill 1981) and may have greater unwillingness to stay in an unsatisfactory union. Moreover, women may be more willing to relinquish troubled relationships despite strong emotional investment in the union. Consistent with this, only for men are strong concerns about missing a current romantic relationship associated with reduced intention to end the union (Hendy, Can, Joseph, and Scherer 2013).

 

Not only might men be less sensitive to relationship problems or more tolerant of discord, men may find it more difficult to leave because they are more emotionally-dependent on their romantic partner. Emotional support within romantic unions tends to be asymmetric: women give more emotional support than they receive. As a result, men are more likely than women to report that their main source of emotional support is their romantic partner (McClintock 2014). In addition, norms of masculinity may make it more difficult for men to confide in friends of family after breaking up. Men may be inhibited from ending romantic relationships by anticipated social embarrassment in seeking an alternative confidant or by anticipated emotional isolation (Hendy, Can, Joseph, and Scherer 2013).

 

Better off after breaking up?

 

Brinig and Allen (2000) argue that women are more likely to end marriages than men because divorce is more often in women’s best interests. Even though women generally suffer a steeper decline than men in their standard of living post-divorce, women may still benefit by leaving an unhappy or unequitable marriage, whereas men are usually the over-benefitting party within marriage. Similarly, women in dating relationships report greater emotional distress than men and this difference becomes larger for couples who remain together; in contrast, among those couples who have broken up, women report less emotional distress than men regardless of which partner initiated the split (Helgeson 1994). What is more, women who have broken up report less emotional distress than women who have not broken up (Helgeson 1994). Possibly the asymmetric nature of emotional support within romantic relationships takes a toll on partnered women’s emotional well-being while benefitting partnered men.

 

This asymmetry in emotional support may help explain why women suffer less distress than men after the dissolution of a romantic relationship, regardless of who dumped whom (Helgeson 1994). In addition, women may also be more able to cope with rejection (Rubin, Peplau, and Hill 1981). Thus, it is not only because women are disproportionately the “dumpers” that they are better-off post-breakup; women are also better-able to cope when they are the “dumpees.”

 

Why does it matter?

 

Insofar as women end more unions than men because women are less satisfied in those relationships or are more aware of relationship problems, reducing the gender gap in romantic well-being and romantic awareness would benefit both genders. Traditional constructions of femininity place the burden of monitoring and maintaining relationships on women (Hendy et al 2013); women may also take on responsibility for terminating failing relationships. At the same time, norms of masculinity may leave some men unprepared for the emotional labor required to maintain a healthy romantic relationship, unable to anticipate relationship dissolution, and uncomfortable confiding their romantic troubles to friends or family. A more equitable division of emotional labor in romantic relationships would likely increase their quality and stability and leave both partners better-prepared in the event of a breakup.

Edited February 3, 2015 by Mangiafuoco

[Priv]

McClintock could be a good LS'er...

 

 

Not going to criticise every study cited, just her article and especially her conclusion as the rest is well researched and known.

 

 

She argues reducing the gender gap and romantic awareness would be beneficial. Her claim that emotional support within romantic unions tends to be asymmetric wherein women give more emotional support than they receive is not backed up by any of her studies cited. Just her own article. The laughable part reading that article is that it makes no such claim as well...

 

 

Nor does any of her cited research claim that norms of masculinity leave men unprepared for the emotional labor required to maintain a healthy romantic relationship, for that one she can't cite any research at all.

 

 

With the same research she uses I could write articles claiming for example women should learn how to compromise and/or how to work on a relationship, revert back legal changes that make divorce easier, or other nonsense.

 

 

She is cherry picking some non-relating journal headlines to make a rather absurd case. Which is also the reason this is published in a tabloid, and not the Psychological Review.

[autumnnight]

I would say whichever one most wants out of the relationship. Of course, people with a victim mentality who do not want to examine their role in relationship troubles might find it comforting to blame the other gender. But a mature self-aware adult won't think that way

[oldshirt]

I read a reply from ann Landers in her newspaper column way back when I was in high school that has stuck with me all these years (I am 50 now)

 

In her column a teenaged girl wrote to Ann saying she hadn't heard from her BF in a week or two and was wondering what was up.

 

ann told her that boys do not formally break up with girls, the just stop calling and stop coming around (except for when they want a late night booty call, but that is another topic).

 

She went on to say that girls want well defined borders on when relationships begin (ie a formal declaration of when a BF/GF, when going steady, when exclusive, when engaged, when married etc) and they want a well defined border on when a relationship ends.

 

Boys on the other hand are basically day by day and one day they may be all up in your stuff and the next day you never hear from them again. And she also said that boys will often not break up with a girl but will just kind of disappear for awhile and start dating another girl without breaking it off with the first one but may show up days, weeks or months later acting like nothing happened.

 

And she concluded the article saying women had to set their own boundaries and standards and that it was basically women's jobs to formally end relationships and break up with men in relationships that weren't working.

 

I read that article meant for teenagers over 30some years ago and I haven't seen anything that disputes it in the adult word either all these years later.

 

Men just don't break up with women. If they are dissatisfied and not connected, they'll go off and do their own thing and they may even take up with another woman or women, but they don't formally cut the ties except in maybe the most extreme examples of a chronically cheating wife or when their new partner twists their arms enough to divorce the wife.

[oldshirt]

....and I have to confess I have been very guilty if that myself at times. There are several women out there that I was dating in my younger days where there has been no break up and no end of the relationship declared by either party - I just haven't called them in 20 years.

 

If I ran into them in the street today I probably would stop and shoot the sht with them and be glad to see them and act like I had just had a Sat night date with them this past weekend.

[candie13]

....and I have to confess I have been very guilty if that myself at times. There are several women out there that I was dating in my younger days where there has been no break up and no end of the relationship declared by either party - I just haven't called them in 20 years.

 

If I ran into them in the street today I probably would stop and shoot the sht with them and be glad to see them and act like I had just had a Sat night date with them this past weekend.

 

Great laugh, oldshirt, at least u'r honest ! I mean, I'd still be pissed if that happened to me, but well... It's not the disappearing act that would dissApoint me, but the part before, especially if it involves lying.

 

If a guy acts all interested and talks about future dates and implies he had a great time and does some more future facking, yeah, I'd be pissed with him as hell. If he says nothing about the future, fair enough

[Frank2thepoint]

I'm going to play devil's advocate. What's the point for a woman to be in a relationship in the first place, if she has to end it, and she ends up being better off than the man post-breakup?

[coolheadal]

Worst part of all of this are those women who had bad marriages and bad dating habits and also bad relationships with live-in boyfriends. So now here you come along into their odd dysfunctional behavioral world. They have set rules for you to follow and obey. But this is not the type of relationship you want to be in.

[RedRobin]

I'm going to play devil's advocate. What's the point for a woman to be in a relationship in the first place, if she has to end it, and she ends up being better off than the man post-breakup?

 

...because being in a relationship for either a man or woman is viewed as a higher status than being single...

 

Beyond a certain age, single people are viewed with some element of suspicion about their value, character, mental wellness, etc.

 

I happen to agree with the emotional weight and maintenance of the relationship being carried by the woman most of the time. My relationships have been pretty balanced, but yea, when they ceased being balanced, I dumped the guy... And the older I have gotten, I have afforded a lower cycle time to that imbalance before dumping them.

 

I don't see too much value in a committed relationship for most self sufficient women who have a solid social network unless her BF or H is a partner in most ways.

[BlueIris]

The article is right in regard to my relationship history. I’ve been the “dumper” and it’s been when my partner didn’t provide emotional support, or was an emotional drain- asymmetry.

 

I'm going to play devil's advocate. What's the point for a woman to be in a relationship in the first place, if she has to end it, and she ends up being better off than the man post-breakup?

 

At first, when I was young, I just didn’t know the importance of reciprocity and it wasn’t tested until about 15 years in. It all depends upon when the need arises or the lack of emotional support becomes apparent. You can value BEING loving and emotionally supportive, so there is still a point to being in a relationship simply because giving is wonderful. But it’s a mistake to marry someone who doesn’t reciprocate and you might not know he doesn’t have your back until later. Or, as RedRobin said in regard to independent women, you might not need much support, especially if you’re strong and independent yourself.

 

Edited to add: I haven’t ALWAYS been the dumper since plenty of men I dated for a month or so just floated away, like oldshirt described. It doesn’t bother me any more and if they circle back, which it seems many tend to do, I just say no. I do consider those break-ups where they're the dumpers.

Edited February 3, 2015 by BlueIris

[RedRobin]

I haven't had the float away phenomenon on any of my relationships.

 

I think more women these days are probably also just floating away when they barely know the guy too. Probably is happening more amongst women in longer term relationships too, because the stigma for sleeping around is somewhat lesser for women than it was in the past. Overall, I would say that fewer people are seeking to solve relationship issues proactively... Both men and women... Because it is a lot easier to dump them and find someone new these days unless kids are involved.

[central]

I dumped my ex wife, and several subsequent g/f's, but was also dumped by other g/f's. I've never just faded away - that seems rude to me.

[hotpotato]

I agree with some of the article.

 

Some of it is stuff i've said before, like how women are responsible for the emotional well being of the relationship. This is something that happens everyday but no one notices or discusses it. If a man encountered a woman who wasn't carrying the emotional weight, he'd very likely leave.

 

My criticism:

Article makes it sound like women get a little bored then up and leave. Honestly, I see way too many women who stay way too long.

[Priv]

I would say whichever one most wants out of the relationship. Of course, people with a victim mentality who do not want to examine their role in relationship troubles might find it comforting to blame the other gender. But a mature self-aware adult won't think that way

 

Beautifully said.

 

 

Since absolutely nothing suggests women are responsible for the emotional well being of a relationship the data can easily suggest otherwise. Women suffering less emotional distress over the end of a relationship and are more likely to end it would actually suggest the emotional investment is larger for men... not women.

 

 

Not saying I agree with it because quite frankly it is as absurd as saying that women are responsible for the emotional well being of a relationship.

 

 

I think it is a problem of perception, not reality. Whether nature versus nurture doesn't really matter. Women (and men) see women as caretakers which is a large part of a woman's self identity. To see themselves as NOT pulling the larger emotional weight would hurt your identity as a woman. Ergo... you have to see yourself that way. It has little to do with the actual dynamics of a relationship.

[newmoon]

i've read this before, or similar, perhaps from the sources she cited. i have always figured it's the person who is the least invested/in love, it just comes down to feelings and who is less "in love" - whether male or female it's easier for that person to go. women recover faster and cope better because they have social networks and close friends to help them and men just hold it in. it's probably a lot of support that gets women to file for divorces and to see the relationship going down before it does. the one thing men just don't have is female intuition.

[alphamale]

all this is common knowlegdge and nothing new

[Frank2thepoint]

...because being in a relationship for either a man or woman is viewed as a higher status than being single...

 

Beyond a certain age, single people are viewed with some element of suspicion about their value, character, mental wellness, etc.

 

I understand that single people have a stigma to bear for being single, especially being single for a long time, and/or never being married. But the stigma is nonexistent, from my perception, in large cities, and especially independent people that don't ever want to be tied down. Since women have educational and professional opportunities, independence, and often find status through their self sufficiency, many women have turned away from pursuing relationships. The article just ostensibly reinforces that a relationship is a bad deal for a woman.

 

 

At first, when I was young, I just didn’t know the importance of reciprocity and it wasn’t tested until about 15 years in. It all depends upon when the need arises or the lack of emotional support becomes apparent. You can value BEING loving and emotionally supportive, so there is still a point to being in a relationship simply because giving is wonderful. But it’s a mistake to marry someone who doesn’t reciprocate and you might not know he doesn’t have your back until later. Or, as RedRobin said in regard to independent women, you might not need much support, especially if you’re strong and independent yourself.

 

You made me think of another question. What about the relationships where a woman does get reciprocated emotionally? Relationships where the man invests equally just as the woman does. But a woman still ends the relationship, such as on the basis they've fallen out of love with the man. Is there still a need for the woman to be in a relationship after that?

 

 

My criticism:

Article makes it sound like women get a little bored then up and leave.

 

I want to point this out as well, because that's the perception I've gotten from the entire narrative of the article. Hence why I figured I ask why should a woman get into a relationship at all, especially since after a few relationships, maybe a failed marriage, educated, and happy with her professional success, it doesn't sound like a woman even needs to be in a relationship at all.

[RedRobin]

I think it is a problem of perception, not reality. Whether nature versus nurture doesn't really matter. Women (and men) see women as caretakers which is a large part of a woman's self identity. To see themselves as NOT pulling the larger emotional weight would hurt your identity as a woman. Ergo... you have to see yourself that way. It has little to do with the actual dynamics of a relationship.

 

 

I'm a woman. It's not a large part of MY self-identity to be viewed as the sole caretaker, as much as it's convenient for some men to be emotionally half-assed in a relationship and think they are entitled to all that nurturing and care that they don't feel like providing to their partner.

 

 

In the past, lots of women did it because they had no choice. They were also fortunate (maybe forced too) to get their emotional needs met by other women since the men couldn't be bothered.

 

 

These days, women have just as much on their plate as men in more ways than one, and aren't likely going to tolerate the imbalance as much as their moms and grandmothers did.

 

 

It doesn't hurt my identity whatsoever to have a man share the load that way. Just like it shouldn't hurt HIS identity when I share the load financially. Times are changing, and thank god for that.

[RedRobin]

Hence why I figured I ask why should a woman get into a relationship at all, especially since after a few relationships, maybe a failed marriage, educated, and happy with her professional success, it doesn't sound like a woman even needs to be in a relationship at all.

 

 

That's pretty much where I'm at these days. Maybe I'll just tell the men I'm looking for a relationship so I can get the goodies that come with it... just like the men do... until I get bored with them.

 

 

On second thought, naah, that would be mean. Then again, I don't really want the guys who are into FWB and casual sex either, so it is back to telling them I'm looking for a relationship, just like so many tell all the women, even when they are full of shyte.

 

 

Ah jeez, the whole dating world just seems so effed up these days.

[Art_Critic]

I guess I bucked the trend with my first marriage.. I divorced her...pushed for it..pushed more and more and poured more money in it and got it...

[Woggle]

As a guy I have found a way of never getting dumped or at least making them want to come back when they do. I refuse to beg a woman to love me. If a woman dumps me then that is that and I my hands are clean of her. It actually makes them come back because being happy without them is a very attractive trait in a man. Every woman I have split from has eventually wanted me back.

 

As for emotional needs I have always been willing to give it 100% but it was me who was left emotionally fending for myself. With the exception of the woman I am married to now most women have required me to be some kind of emotionless robot or else my masculinity was called into question. I have seen the same situation with other guys and we wonder why men are emotionally closed off. It is a relief to be with a woman who lets me breathe.

[ufo8mycat]

Beautifully said.

 

 

Since absolutely nothing suggests women are responsible for the emotional well being of a relationship the data can easily suggest otherwise. Women suffering less emotional distress over the end of a relationship and are more likely to end it would actually suggest the emotional investment is larger for men... not women.

 

 

Not saying I agree with it because quite frankly it is as absurd as saying that women are responsible for the emotional well being of a relationship.

 

 

I think it is a problem of perception, not reality. Whether nature versus nurture doesn't really matter. Women (and men) see women as caretakers which is a large part of a woman's self identity. To see themselves as NOT pulling the larger emotional weight would hurt your identity as a woman. Ergo... you have to see yourself that way. It has little to do with the actual dynamics of a relationship.

 

There are lots of studies that provide data on the division of emotional work within relationships. It is called wifework for a reason. A quick search of google scholar or any of the social science data bases will give you the data. Most women are happy to have their feminine identity hurt if it means more equal maintenance of the relationship and equal communication. I would challenge the assumptions of your perception as the data doesn't support this

 

In terms women being less distressed than men in the ending of the relationship also indicates that women are more aware of the deterioration of the relationship and thus are not blind sighted by its ends. I don't think it necessarily reflects emotional investment, rather than men benefit more from marriage so in ending a marriage men have more to lose than women.

[Revolver]

For the most part, as long as a guy is getting laid on a regular basis and there is peace on the homefront(no fights)he won't dump her even if he doesn't really like her or see anytype of future. For women that isn't good enough

[Justanaverageguy]

As a guy I have found a way of never getting dumped or at least making them want to come back when they do. I refuse to beg a woman to love me. If a woman dumps me then that is that and I my hands are clean of her. It actually makes them come back because being happy without them is a very attractive trait in a man. Every woman I have split from has eventually wanted me back.

 

It truly is amazing how well this actually works. All about psychology. Women expect men to fall apart when they leave them. When they don't .... they are completely confused. Always want what they can't have .... if they know you want them back they are not interested.

 

On the larger discussion I think women are more likely to end marriages for a few reasons.

 

1 - They expect a great deal more from marriage. Women's expectations are just higher. They are taught from a young age to want marriage, to strive for commitment from men. "if you like it then you should have put a ring on it". A lot have some weird idea that some how life will be better when married. Seriously look at women who has recently been married and the photos they post online, Its a status thing - they make such a huge deal about the ceremony and the dress etc. Sadly many find the unrealistic expectations they had of what marriage will be aren't really the reality 5 years in.

 

2 - Men its almost the opposite. Men getting married means they have been tied down - losing their freedom. Its like how long can you hold out before you have to pop the questions. Now a lot of men do actually want to get married but they still don't have these ridiculous expectations going in that it will change their life and they will now have true happiness. So when they get to the real meat and potatoes of marriage 5 years in when the honey moon period has warn off they don't feel as let down as most women do.

 

3- Women and men often create unbalanced relationships where women do more of the house work. I don't hold men solely accountable for this (even though most women do) its as much womens fault as men. They normally offer to do these tasks at the beginning of the relationship due to wanting to be a good carer. Over time however the man perhaps takes this for granted the work the women does and the relationship becomes unbalanced. Women grow to resent the fact it has become a habit that the husband expects. People withdraw from relationships were one party is giving more then the other.

 

4- Women are more emotional and more likely to get bored in marriage. You can say what you want about men but we are normally pretty happy to just not rock the boat and sail down the river. Women will put up with many things but the one thing you can never do with a woman is bore them. I feel like they have an expectation that the men will provide them with happiness and entertainment and that a lot of women just get bored and want change. If a woman doesn't "feel" like she is in love then she will go looking for that feeling elsewhere.

Edited February 4, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

[Priv]

There are lots of studies that provide data on the division of emotional work within relationships. It is called wifework for a reason. A quick search of google scholar or any of the social science data bases will give you the data. Most women are happy to have their feminine identity hurt if it means more equal maintenance of the relationship and equal communication. I would challenge the assumptions of your perception as the data doesn't support this

 

In terms women being less distressed than men in the ending of the relationship also indicates that women are more aware of the deterioration of the relationship and thus are not blind sighted by its ends. I don't think it necessarily reflects emotional investment, rather than men benefit more from marriage so in ending a marriage men have more to lose than women.

 

Which data? I am discussing the article the OP mentioned. Not your 'lots' of studies you don't cite and have no relevance to discussing this article.

 

 

You can challenge my perception of the data all day long. I would however advise you to reread what I said that I don't think man's emotional investment is greater, just that it can just as easily be explained as such. Or that women have no compromising ability/relationship skills or whatever I feel atm that would serve my point if I feel like gender blaming (that is always the easiest route isn't it ).

 

 

Th article is a load of crock and the conclusion would be sad if it wasn't so hilarious.