Why is it cruel of me to tell the betrayed spouse if MM is breaking NC?

[deep_fried]

A question for BS's

 

I am an AP who's MM was discovered having affair.

 

As part of his agreement with BS after D-Day, he agreed to sever all ties with me. I agreed to this in email correspondence with wife that he was copied on.

 

However - he has not respected this at all, and continues to contact me daily. I tried to force NC, but it would be 1000x easier to do if he was on board with the program. I was getting totally stressed out trying to get him to bugger off and work on his relationship like he said he would (but appears to be making little effort).

 

So - I decided I would tell BS each time he contacted me. I did this twice and there was huge drama, but as soon as dust settled, he was back at contacting me like nothing had happened.

 

I mentioned that I had done this (contacted BS) on the other forum (OW/OM) and a bunch of BS's came over and said I was just **** disturbing by doing this, I was being spiteful and mean to the BS by doing this, and really my only motive was to end his relationship for him.

 

Well, sure, if he were single we might be together... but regardless I would say that keeping in contact with me and lying about it that *he* seems intent on ending their relationship but is cowardly and waiting to get caught and thrown out. Why not expedite the process and force him to leave or REALLY go NC and work on fixing things?

 

So - my question is - if a MM is totally not respecting NC, wouldn't you want to know? Is it better that I just let him carry on as before D-Day? I am sure she thinks their relationship is on the mend..

 

(FYI My current plan is to just let the MM do whatever he wants (contact me, stop fighting with him about NC) but keep my mouth shut and not tell BS. This creates the least drama for me for sure.. I don't see how it helps THEM at all, but I guess that is their problem. I will try in the meantime to carry on with my own life and find someone single. I am confident I am in a good place mentally to move on when the right opportunity presents itself.

[fellini]

As a BS I would love to know, at this point, because the whole point of implementing NC is not a gesture, it never was, it is a demand.

 

So if my WW stopped NC our marriage would be severed completely. There would be ZERO discussion about it, because that is what is understood. She works in the same building as him, so it is acceptable that if she is off to the toilets, and SEES him, that this is inevitable. NC means there is to be no more communication between them EVER. NC is not a step. It's a life decision. By consistently breaking NC this AP is not respecting his WS's requirements. She needs to know, and perhaps, she should do something about it. If she doesn't then that is her problem.

 

In my case none of this is going to work for me because my WW's AP actually wanted and no question continues to want my wife to leave me for him. So he would be open to breaking NC at any cost. It didn't bother him to be having sex with a married woman who was having sex with her husband, so why worry about it again? I however, do care. As does my WW. So it is she that tells me if HE is breaking NC, and I don't hold HER responsible for his attempts (early on) to do so.

 

A question for BS's

 

I am an AP who's MM was discovered having affair.

 

As part of his agreement with BS after D-Day, he agreed to sever all ties with me. I agreed to this in email correspondence with wife that he was copied on.

 

However - he has not respected this at all, and continues to contact me daily. I tried to force NC, but it would be 1000x easier to do if he was on board with the program. I was getting totally stressed out trying to get him to bugger off and work on his relationship like he said he would (but appears to be making little effort).

 

So - I decided I would tell BS each time he contacted me. I did this twice and there was huge drama, but as soon as dust settled, he was back at contacting me like nothing had happened.

 

I mentioned that I had done this (contacted BS) on the other forum (OW/OM) and a bunch of BS's came over and said I was just **** disturbing by doing this, I was being spiteful and mean to the BS by doing this, and really my only motive was to end his relationship for him.

 

Well, sure, if he were single we might be together... but regardless I would say that keeping in contact with me and lying about it that *he* seems intent on ending their relationship but is cowardly and waiting to get caught and thrown out. Why not expedite the process and force him to leave or REALLY go NC and work on fixing things?

 

So - my question is - if a MM is totally not respecting NC, wouldn't you want to know? Is it better that I just let him carry on as before D-Day? I am sure she thinks their relationship is on the mend..

 

(FYI My current plan is to just let the MM do whatever he wants (contact me, stop fighting with him about NC) but keep my mouth shut and not tell BS. This creates the least drama for me for sure.. I don't see how it helps THEM at all, but I guess that is their problem. I will try in the meantime to carry on with my own life and find someone single. I am confident I am in a good place mentally to move on when the right opportunity presents itself.

[purplesorrow]

I would want to know. But it sounds like you are telling her to nip at her a little, not because you want him to stop. She probably feels that too and could be the cause of the anger. If you really didn't want contact, you would block him. As for the 'husband' he'd be out of my house.

[A.Moscote]

So - I decided I would tell BS each time he contacted me. I did this twice and there was huge drama, but as soon as dust settled, he was back at contacting me like nothing had happened.

 

Perhaps you could try it a bit different this time. Instead of just emphasizing on telling her, which I think you should, why not you politely and tactfully ask her further if she really want to know any instance of breaking NC by his H. Asking her that could make your next steps easier.

 

If her answer is yes, then you just need to forward any piece of contact to her. You don't even have to know what the information is, just forward it. It's their problem, in fact I see it as her gain, of course if she is wise.

 

If her answer is no, then it is much easier, no need to trouble yourself about her (assuming it's not something that can terribly affect her life, e.g. inheritance, major std).

 

Anyway, I would understand if you choose to stick with your current plan. It is the easiest and safest way for you, avoiding much more drama. Protect yourself first from the emotional turmoil, grow up and out of that past mistake.

 

Maybe you can implement a more effective and proactive NC, seems very leaky as it is now, leaving too much risk and opening to fall back into his charms.

 

I will try in the meantime to carry on with my own life and find someone single. I am confident I am in a good place mentally to move on when the right opportunity presents itself.

Great, be careful and good luck.

[goodyblue]

Most BS's say that the motive for exposure doesn't matter, just that you are honest. My opinion is that if she knows, she obviously is going to stay with him even with the breaches in NC. No point in driving it home over and over. Tell him to eff off and block everything.

 

It sucks, I know, but I truly believe their marriage is their baby to rock. You can't fix it. Your only job is to walk away.

[gettingstronger]

I mentioned that I had done this (contacted BS) on the other forum (OW/OM) and a bunch of BS's came over and said I was just **** disturbing by doing this, I was being spiteful and mean to the BS by doing this, and really my only motive was to end his relationship for him.

 

 

I read through that thread and did not see a "bunch of BS's....." can you point me in the right direction on that-

 

For me, I would want to know- of course I would like it to be done kindly, but even if you smashed it in my face, I would still want to know-

[HereNorThere]

At this point, have enough respect for yourself to just ignore the jerk. Otherwise, it may be you writing the his next OW NC letters.

 

And I think you've caught a glimpse of how it really works. Everyone says "if they broke NC, I'd be gone for good" but they didn't leave when they caught their spouse having sex with someone else, so the WS knows they're in a position of power and can do whatever they want. Most take it a bit more underground so they don't have to deal with the nagging, but not of respect for the BS.

[gettingstronger]

And I think you've caught a glimpse of how it really works. Everyone says "if they broke NC, I'd be gone for good" but they didn't leave when they caught their spouse having sex with someone else, so the WS knows they're in a position of power and can do whatever they want. Most take it a bit more underground so they don't have to deal with the nagging, but not of respect for the BS.

 

 

What are you basing this on? From my personal experience, from reading the OW forum with OWs longing to hear from their AP after dday and from my group therapy I do not see this as "most" and I do not see the WS as being in a position of power- to me, reconciliation is the marriage evens back out again where no one is in a position of power- can you clarify where you got this idea from?

[Thicke2013]

A person can only contact you if you allow them to. Period. You owe it to no one to tell them. You only owe it to yourself to do as you said you would and that is to ignore him. Block his #, refuse his calls, block emails, etc. If you see him on the street cross to the other side of the street and go around. Don't even make contact. If he continues to harass you get a restraining order. If you aren't willing to do all of this the BS knows that your motives aren't to help her, but to hurt her.

[elaine567]

And I think you've caught a glimpse of how it really works. Everyone says "if they broke NC, I'd be gone for good" but they didn't leave when they caught their spouse having sex with someone else, so the WS knows they're in a position of power and can do whatever they want. Most take it a bit more underground so they don't have to deal with the nagging, but not of respect for the BS.

 

 

What are you basing this on? From my personal experience, from reading the OW forum with OWs longing to hear from their AP after dday and from my group therapy I do not see this as "most" and I do not see the WS as being in a position of power- to me, reconciliation is the marriage evens back out again where no one is in a position of power- can you clarify where you got this idea from?

 

The point is.

If a BS says, "if you contact the OW again, I will divorce you".

The WS ignores her for whatever reason and still contacts the OW.

Then if the BS finds out she says "Oh OK, that's awful, how could you do that?" Gets very upset, tears her hair out...

BUT doesn't divorce him.

The WS is then in a position of power, he called her bluff, he contacted the OW, but there were no consequences.

The BS may have been upset, but she doesn't leave.

He then knows he will get away with just about anything including continuing the affair. The ball is back in his court, he holds the power.

His wife will not leave, he now knows that.

[goodyblue]

The point is.

If a BS says, "if you contact the OW again, I will divorce you".

The WS ignores her for whatever reason and still contacts the OW.

Then if the BS finds out she says "Oh OK, that's awful, how could you do that?" Gets very upset, tears her hair out...

BUT doesn't divorce him.

The WS is then in a position of power, he called her bluff, he contacted the OW, but there were no consequences.

The BS may have been upset, but she doesn't leave.

He then knows he will get away with just about anything including continuing the affair. The ball is back in his court, he holds the power.

His wife will not leave, he now knows that.

 

I completely agree with this.

[elaine567]

..and he now knows he has a long term glorified nanny for his kids, a housekeeper and a mistress too.

Win, Win

[gettingstronger]

I get you two think that's how it works but where on here do you see that happening. That was my question. The quote I used said most and I just don't see that.

[goodyblue]

I get you two think that's how it works but where on here do you see that happening. That was my question. The quote I used said most and I just don't see that.

 

I have not seen it in the specific thread they are talking about but I see threads... one the other day: He broke NC AGAIN!! Just the way it goes.

[gettingstronger]

Still wondering about the "most"

[goodyblue]

Still wondering about the "most"

 

I am assuming you found it offensive. My apologies. I will say 'a lot'. We all know not all, not most, but a lot of affairs go deeper underground. And tbh I am basing it on more than just LS. Lots of websites for OW/OM where the OW says something along the lines of 'DDay! MM has contacted me and says to lay low for now, he will reach out as soon as he can.' Then halfway down the responses you see how she has heard from her MM. Bentley was one. I certainly was. Lot's of instances. I didn't agree with Elaine to upset anyone, it is simply what I see. As I said though, not in the specific post OP mentioned.

[elaine567]

HereNorThere said "most" of those who break no contact, go underground with the A to avoid nagging and that I would guess is most likely, who wants to be involved in constant arguments

 

BUT taking things underground is always to be seen as a big possibility surely? We are dealing with adults here, not little naive children.

Some are highly invested in the A, I do not see those just giving up without some sort of a fight post D day.

If the human race can put a man on the moon, then the thought a WS can take an A underground is not outwith the realms of fantasy is it?

 

An AP on here said he and his OW have codes in the event of being found out, others have secret accounts. Technology can hide stuff easily and burner phones, secret laptops, tablets, work computers can keep contact going, despite being "open the honest".

[purplesorrow]

I am assuming you found it offensive. My apologies. I will say 'a lot'. We all know not all, not most, but a lot of affairs go deeper underground. And tbh I am basing it on more than just LS. Lots of websites for OW/OM where the OW says something along the lines of 'DDay! MM has contacted me and says to lay low for now, he will reach out as soon as he can.' Then halfway down the responses you see how she has heard from her MM. Bentley was one. I certainly was. Lot's of instances. I didn't agree with Elaine to upset anyone, it is simply what I see. As I said though, not in the specific post OP mentioned.

 

This doesn't mean the mm's wife knows there is still contact. It just means mm is slimy enough to keep lying to his wife.

[goodyblue]

This doesn't mean the mm's wife knows there is still contact. It just means mm is slimy enough to keep lying to his wife.

 

Of course.

[anika99]

A question for BS's

 

I am an AP who's MM was discovered having affair.

 

As part of his agreement with BS after D-Day, he agreed to sever all ties with me. I agreed to this in email correspondence with wife that he was copied on.

 

However - he has not respected this at all, and continues to contact me daily. I tried to force NC, but it would be 1000x easier to do if he was on board with the program. I was getting totally stressed out trying to get him to bugger off and work on his relationship like he said he would (but appears to be making little effort).

 

So - I decided I would tell BS each time he contacted me. I did this twice and there was huge drama, but as soon as dust settled, he was back at contacting me like nothing had happened.

 

I mentioned that I had done this (contacted BS) on the other forum (OW/OM) and a bunch of BS's came over and said I was just **** disturbing by doing this, I was being spiteful and mean to the BS by doing this, and really my only motive was to end his relationship for him.

 

Well, sure, if he were single we might be together... but regardless I would say that keeping in contact with me and lying about it that *he* seems intent on ending their relationship but is cowardly and waiting to get caught and thrown out. Why not expedite the process and force him to leave or REALLY go NC and work on fixing things?

 

So - my question is - if a MM is totally not respecting NC, wouldn't you want to know? Is it better that I just let him carry on as before D-Day? I am sure she thinks their relationship is on the mend..

 

(FYI My current plan is to just let the MM do whatever he wants (contact me, stop fighting with him about NC) but keep my mouth shut and not tell BS. This creates the least drama for me for sure.. I don't see how it helps THEM at all, but I guess that is their problem. I will try in the meantime to carry on with my own life and find someone single. I am confident I am in a good place mentally to move on when the right opportunity presents itself.

 

I read your other thread and it wasn't exactly as you describe. You neglected to mention on this thread that you actually do want the MM to leave his wife to be with you and you forgot to say that on top of letting his wife know that he contacts you, you also took it upon yourself to write her an email telling her what you think she is doing wrong in her relationship. Lastly you will not take steps to ensure that he doesn't contact you. All this adds up to making it look like you are enjoying, maybe even encouraging, the drama.

[gettingstronger]

Well, that changes things. BS, WS, OW whomever that are now living authentically regardless of how their relationship started or what's happened in it will see things differently. For those like goody whose MM left is a whole different person that those whose MM are still lying to the BS. And those OW who truly want out are totally different than those still trying to get their MM to leave their wives.

[fellini]

On what experience do you base this incredibly offensive comment?

 

You talk as if getting caught didn't involve anything except getting caught. When Dday happens A TON of sh-t hits the fan. This is not nothing.. When that ton of **** is then funneled into the clear statement that if NC is ever broken the marriage is over you have no evidence to say that the BS is going to roll over and take it again. You simply do not because this world is RICH with stories of getting caught, getting your act together and not screwing up again.

 

NC is put into place in a marriage when it has become clear that both wish to continue, and are willing to accept boundaries,, which NC is - a very strict boundary..

 

This has in no way any bearing on the WS having an affair while the marriage was eyes wide shut.. Now it is boundaries eyes wide open..

 

That some broken WS'S get right back into bed with their AP is not the rule. You make it sound like a second chance is a joke, and if that is your true position, which you are entitled to, then just say that rather than making up something not based on fact, experiencer or expert knowledge.

 

 

 

 

[QUO. E=HereNorThere;6140601]At this point, have enough respect for yourself to just ignore the jerk. Otherwise, it may be you writing the his next OW NC letters.

 

And I think you've caught a glimpse of how it really works. Everyone says "if they broke NC, I'd be gone for good" but they didn't leave when they caught their spouse having sex with someone else, so the WS knows they're in a position of power and can do whatever they want. Most take it a bit more underground so they don't have to deal with the nagging, but not of respect for the BS.

[goodyblue]

Well, that changes things. BS, WS, OW whomever that are now living authentically regardless of how their relationship started or what's happened in it will see things differently. For those like goody whose MM left is a whole different person that those whose MM are still lying to the BS. And those OW who truly want out are totally different than those still trying to get their MM to leave their wives.

 

It is very true. And to be fair, we really never did go underground. But what we did do is keep things very quiet after he left to preserve as much dignity as we could. Yeah,I know,we pretty much lost all of that when we had the affair, but we have worked hard to make things right. It gets hard reading three threads because I see what I went through, and it sucked even though things worked with us and we had steps, a plan, I just see a lot of pain.

 

. I think going underground is the worst thing to do because it tells MM you will put up with it. And to OP... if he went back, let him. Get him out of your life for your own sanity. If BS is willing to take him back, let her. Walk away, you will be so much better off. Xx

Edited February 3, 2015 by goodyblue

[BlueIris]

So - my question is - if a MM is totally not respecting NC, wouldn't you want to know? Is it better that I just let him carry on as before D-Day? I am sure she thinks their relationship is on the mend..

...

 

I guess that is their problem. I will try in the meantime to carry on with my own life and find someone single.

 

Though I wasn't a BS (that I know of), I'd want to know if my husband or boyfriend was still lying to me and breaking his promise to me.

But I agree with you that it's their problem if the betrayed spouse doesn't want to know. He sounds like a Drama King to me and I'd go NC myself toward him, block and delete and find a decent guy who doesn't create clouds of emotional debris around himself. Ick.

 

I read your other thread and it wasn't exactly as you describe. You neglected to mention on this thread that you actually do want the MM to leave his wife to be with you and you forgot to say that on top of letting his wife know that he contacts you, you also took it upon yourself to write her an email telling her what you think she is doing wrong in her relationship. Lastly you will not take steps to ensure that he doesn't contact you. All this adds up to making it look like you are enjoying, maybe even encouraging, the drama.

 

I just read this bit, and I can’t fathom why you’d want this guy, OP.

Edited February 3, 2015 by BlueIris

[deep_fried]

 

And I think you've caught a glimpse of how it really works. Everyone says "if they broke NC, I'd be gone for good" but they didn't leave when they caught their spouse having sex with someone else, so the WS knows they're in a position of power and can do whatever they want. Most take it a bit more underground so they don't have to deal with the nagging, but not of respect for the BS.

 

Yes I would agree with this. She obviously has no intention of acting on her threats. I predict they will be together for a long time. So I don't see continuing to contact her as productive - I won't bother again.

 

My question was really more in a general sense... why wouldn't you want to know? I would... if you decide to tolerate the behavior, that is your decision- I think still better than being duped.

 

As far as I am concerned - I actually feel better about the fact that I now know the truth 100% than when I was always wondering if he would really commit to leaving her - question answered, NO - and she will apparently suck up whatever he dishes out. It is easier to move on when you have an answer to this question.

 

Re: Leaky NC - I have to maintain a business relationship with the company where the MM works, so if he contacts me at work, I have to deal with it unless I want to escalate to HR or risk that he will do the same if I get insistent (and who knows what he would say...).

 

Why bother fighting this fight if they appear to have reached an agreement as to what behavior she finds acceptable? Might as well be civil and then carry on with life. Presumably he will get bored and move on sooner or later.