Why is it cruel of me to tell the betrayed spouse if MM is breaking NC?

[Bootsie]

A question for BS's

 

...

 

As part of his agreement with BS after D-Day, he agreed to sever all ties with me. ...continues to contact me daily. ...

 

So - I decided I would tell BS each time he contacted me. I did this twice and there was huge drama, but as soon as dust settled, he was back at contacting me like nothing had happened.

 

I mentioned that I had done this (contacted BS) on the other forum (OW/OM) and a bunch of BS's came over and said I was just **** ...

 

 

So - my question is - if a MM is totally not respecting NC, wouldn't you want to know? Is it better that I just let him carry on as before D-Day? I am sure she thinks their relationship is on the mend..

 

(...

 

 

I think you may not have yet worked out who the BSs, OWs, WSs etc are yet, because from my knowledge of who is who, a bunch of BSs did not do what you've said.

 

 

Anyway as a BS I'd want to know. If you're not sure just ask her. Or you could tell him that all contact from him will be communicated to her. If either responds in a personally abusive manner then do what you want.

[the_artist_1970]

A question for BS's

 

I am an AP who's MM was discovered having affair.

 

As part of his agreement with BS after D-Day, he agreed to sever all ties with me. I agreed to this in email correspondence with wife that he was copied on.

 

However - he has not respected this at all, and continues to contact me daily. I tried to force NC, but it would be 1000x easier to do if he was on board with the program. I was getting totally stressed out trying to get him to bugger off and work on his relationship like he said he would (but appears to be making little effort).

 

So - I decided I would tell BS each time he contacted me. I did this twice and there was huge drama, but as soon as dust settled, he was back at contacting me like nothing had happened.

 

I mentioned that I had done this (contacted BS) on the other forum (OW/OM) and a bunch of BS's came over and said I was just **** disturbing by doing this, I was being spiteful and mean to the BS by doing this, and really my only motive was to end his relationship for him.

 

Well, sure, if he were single we might be together... but regardless I would say that keeping in contact with me and lying about it that *he* seems intent on ending their relationship but is cowardly and waiting to get caught and thrown out. Why not expedite the process and force him to leave or REALLY go NC and work on fixing things?

 

So - my question is - if a MM is totally not respecting NC, wouldn't you want to know? Is it better that I just let him carry on as before D-Day? I am sure she thinks their relationship is on the mend..

 

(FYI My current plan is to just let the MM do whatever he wants (contact me, stop fighting with him about NC) but keep my mouth shut and not tell BS. This creates the least drama for me for sure.. I don't see how it helps THEM at all, but I guess that is their problem. I will try in the meantime to carry on with my own life and find someone single. I am confident I am in a good place mentally to move on when the right opportunity presents itself.

 

I would want to know the very first time he broke NC. There wouldn't be a second time the XAP would have to contact me because my WH would be out of my life faster than I can spell mississippi. Obviously this MM is a habitual liar who is good at conning women and has convinced her that you are lying. Or, she could be like a good friend of mine who found out her DH was cheating and when he kept cheating she started saving money and getting her ducks in a row for her and her kids and left him years later after she had secured a lifestyle for her and her kids. She knew he continued to cheat and she divorced and is happily remarried to another guy while her XH is still mad at her some 12 years later.

 

The only reason I could see it causing conflict if you told her is that the MM has control over you and her and he is gaslighting and manipulating you both.

[Thicke2013]

Yes I would agree with this. She obviously has no intention of acting on her threats. I predict they will be together for a long time. So I don't see continuing to contact her as productive - I won't bother again.

 

My question was really more in a general sense... why wouldn't you want to know? I would... if you decide to tolerate the behavior, that is your decision- I think still better than being duped.

 

As far as I am concerned - I actually feel better about the fact that I now know the truth 100% than when I was always wondering if he would really commit to leaving her - question answered, NO - and she will apparently suck up whatever he dishes out. It is easier to move on when you have an answer to this question.

 

Re: Leaky NC - I have to maintain a business relationship with the company where the MM works, so if he contacts me at work, I have to deal with it unless I want to escalate to HR or risk that he will do the same if I get insistent (and who knows what he would say...).

 

Why bother fighting this fight if they appear to have reached an agreement as to what behavior she finds acceptable? Might as well be civil and then carry on with life. Presumably he will get bored and move on sooner or later.

 

 

You act as if you have no say in the matter. " I have to maintain a business relationship with the company where the MM works, so if he contacts me at work, I have to deal with it unless I want to escalate to HR or risk that he will do the same if I get insistent (and who knows what he would say...). " If he does reach out to you in a non professional manner, you save it, record it, or make a note of it. Tell him not to contact you unless in a business manner. If you are on the phone with him and he says anything away from business, you hang up on him. When he calls back let him know that if he continues that you will go to HR with your evidence of recorded calls or saved emails.

 

 

Why don't you be honest with everyone on here and say you are butthurt that he chose her and not you and you still want him to flirt with you or contact you because it strokes your ego? If he contacts you it makes you feel like you still win. If that is the prize, you can have it. It seems you wanted to come off a saint for letting his W know he is still contacting you but it seems clear to me from what you wrote that she is correct about your intentions. It isn't at all about helping her, its about you still wanting him.

 

 

"If she accepts it why bother" Really? Because she accepts a scumbag you have to as well? Give me a break. It's almost as if you feel that because she won't leave him for his indiscretions then you have a right to continue sleeping with him. Honestly, why does their behavior affect you at all? You can think for yourself right? If you want the affair over it will be over. It doesn't matter what he thinks or does or what his W thinks or does. Do you really want someone else to have this much control of your life?

Edited February 4, 2015 by Thicke2013