Rambling thoughts of a cheater

[BeneGesserit]

When I was younger, I was a very lonely person; all through high school, never having a date. Went to college, met someone, and fell for them. They in turn had a partner but showed me so much kindness and love that I couldn't part ways. Long story short, I lost my virginity to them while they were with their partner. I wanted so badly to be with them, they didn't want me and stayed with their partner.

 

I thought to myself, who the **** cheats? Who can have such disrespect for someone else? Who can be so careless with others emotions and so selfish with their desires? I will never be like that and I would never cheat on someone I love, actually, I would never cheat period. How naïve was I?

Fast forward 8 years, past nine month relationship that ended civilly without any dishonesty, past several one night stands, half of which were in committed relationships, and past a year and a half into a relationship. This relationship was going south. Sex once a month if lucky, hardly any honesty in communication, a secret from the partner’s parents. A friend visits me from college, a friend who I always had a crush on. A friend whom I hadn’t seen in years and thought it would all be plutonic, a third party friend was coming.

 

 

 

We all went out, and my partner went home early. Not much of a drinker. The other two friends and I stayed out and we drank until 3 am. Came back, and the extra friend passed out on my couch, leaving only my large bed for me and the other friend. I put on the sweat pants and tshirt. We had separate blankets; I went to bed with the intentions for nothing and the hopes for everything. I had already made my mind up but would not initiate; I didn’t have to. A slight kick and a laugh from them, a quick look into the eyes and my mouth was pressed against theirs. A passionate moment in my life, there was no stopping us. Taken by surprise and disbelief it was happening. It was everything I wanted five years earlier with terrible timing and the fact we lived three states away. Next day, we didn’t talk about it. They left and I was left sitting there, contemplating what had happened.

Did I justify my actions? I did what I did, my partner didn’t respect me, didn’t really know me. What am I doing with this person? I can’t be honest with my past with them, I hide my drug addiction from them, I show them what they want, but it’s not who I am. I am unhappy with our sex life, I am unhappy with our social life, how they treat me. They had this coming, I don’t regret doing this. I regret only that I have to end it. I should end it.

 

 

Life goes on. I grow apart even more. I stop babying them and stop pretending to be what I am not. I go out, I flirt, but that was where I now draw the line. I can’t be a serial cheater. I flirt some more, with a person that was wildly attractive. We start talking from time to time, we are on the same page sexually. We have similar interest. I drop my partner off at the airport to visit the family I am still a secret from after two years. I feel the best and freest I have felt in over a year. I meet the new person, we try to unleash ourselves. We fail. We had amazing sex. My partner comes home, quiet drive back from the airport. I break it off. Some bull**** excuse, I am unhappy and I can’t date you. When in reality, I’ve cheated. Twice. I have a huge pot addiction, I do all sorts of psychedelic drugs, they like none of them and would break up with me having known the truth. I have been sexually abused in the past, a coke head dad, an alcoholic mom I did not know until I was 8. They came from the perfect life, mom and dad still married, no stress in life. They don’t even know me. They cry, says they’re in love with me. Was going to tell the parents about me. What the **** do they know about me? It’s time to move on. I end it; like a bandaid. Should have done it months earlier.

 

 

Decide to let things move with the second person I cheated with. We start out great, good relationship, good communication, similar interest, blaze together, open about drug usage, about my parents. Feels good to be so open about these things I had to previously lie or keep secret. I am 25 at this point, time to stop living the life I think society demands of me, but the one that is me. We have an amazing sex life, nothing is lacking. I do not look at another. Such pride to exclaim I have a partner when I am hit on. Then about a year in, we start fighting, we start arguing. They have ADHD and want me to tutor them in my profession. I was getting my PhD in this subject at the time. They get so aggressive; don’t want to listen to me. I feel I am wasting my precious time if someone I am teaching is arguing with me despite the fact that I know I am right. I have taught this class so many times already. Other fights, fights over stupid things. Fights because I google an answer anytime we disagree because I don’t believe them. (nothing to do with them, I google everything I find out that is contrary to what I thought) The fights over everything. I am walking on egg shells. I go out with some friends, very attractive person is flirting with me. We drink, we drink, we flirt, we drink. I touch their ass, they sit on my lap. We all go back to my place, I am drunk and passed out basically, not answering my phone. My partner comes over and finds me half conscious, on the couch, while my friends are looking at something. My partner tries to get me to bed, I tell them to **** off. The other person comes to me, and I get touchy with them and they want to take me to bed. I smile but am to drunk to even move. Partner feels scared for me I am so drunk. They help me to bed, the others leave, the next day my partner tells me all of this. I feel awful, I feel bad, I say you should leave me. They do not. Why on earth do they not leave? I would have cheated had I not been so drunk. Why do they care so much about me when I am doing this? I have no idea. This puts our relationship on the death bed it seems, we were already on the rocks.

 

 

Let’s fix it. Why? Why don’t I end it? I am so angry at them for the fights, for the aggression, or getting in the way of the life I want to live. The fact we only do what they want to do. I get pushed around in this relationship. Sometimes I feel it is emotionally abusive. I am a bad partner of it too. I don’t help matters, I am selfish, stubborn and proud. The fights need to end with a winner and goddamnit, I am going to be it. Our fights are never resolved because I can not talk about my emotions or my feelings. Anytime I have too, it comes out in anger and rage. I can’t say to them you know what, I don’t feel so good about us, or our relationship, or I dislike this or that. No, I just get angry and tell them they are ****ing wrong and I hate the way they do this or that. We talk until we are exhausted, never resolving anything. ****ing to make up for the argument, ****ing away the anger for each other; for a time. We continue down this path of fighting, not resolving anything. Them becoming more and more attached, wanting more and more from me in commitment. I want to back out. I want to escape. I want to find something different. I don’t know what I want, but I want someone who can relax and not argue with me about the way I wash dishes, the way I fold a towel, the way I make plans. I want someone who hasn’t punched me in the head in a fight over me wanting to visit friends I hadn’t seen in 5 years the moment we get off a plane after a 20 hour trip. They could have gone back home, but they didn’t trust me still. Why should they? It happens again. A coworker gets dumped after six years with the same person. I am so angry and tired of our life. The coworker flirts a little with me at a party. I flirt back. Two days later there’s a text, they are finishing at the bar. I pick them up, we go back to their place and ****. It is what it is. No expectations, they know I am in a relationship, I know they just want fun. We **** and I have this odd feeling, I didn’t feel so good about it. The sex was not as good as with my partner, it was just different and mediocre. But I didn’t feel bad, I just didn’t think it was worth it. I didn’t regret it, they treat me like ****, why should I care? In fact, my whole life I was always just the friend and now maybe, maybe I am getting mine. Why can’t I be selfish like everyone else was to me?

 

 

 

I let another year go by in this relationship of fighting, throwing things, toxic behavior from both of us. I hate you is a common phrase dropped during a fight. I love you was more common, but I hate you was shockingly common. Packing the bags and threatening to leave was also common. I am 29 at this time. Still ****ing instead of resolving. I get a job in another country and we move together. A very expensive flight across the pond. This whole year I hadn’t cheated, but I sure as hell flirted with a lot of people and wanted to **** so many, and would have given the opportunity. I emotionally cheat. Before we leave, I take a trip home to see my parents and friends. They do not like my home city and always seemed to try to avoid my family. I go visit that friend. Yes, first person that I ever cheated with. Yes, it happened again, I cheated again with the same person. I have deep feelings for this person. They tell me that if I was single, we should see where it goes. I am moving to a new country, it is not the time for this.

 

 

We move to the new country, and fighting gets worse. They feel isolated, can not speak the language, can’t find a job, just sitting at home all day. I come home, we argue. They don’t want to just clean up after us daily, but I am working 10+ hours, and I think it sucks that I have to wash the dishes afterwards, but I do my best to help out . I am getting yelled at for how I sweep, how I wash dishes again. The same fights and they keep pushing. Let’s get married! HOW THE **** CAN WE GET MARRIED? We barely can stand each other. I have cheated more than once! How can I go forward with this relationship. Why am I so cared to end it? The feeling of being alone? Maybe, I was alone for 23 years of my life, why should I be scared of that again? The feeling of failure? Maybe. The feeling of not finding something better? The fact that all my friends think we have the perfect relationship because we put on such a front to them? I have no idea. The fights get worse, they apply for jobs in our home country. They get one. I say, good go home. They leave, but we stay together. We do the long distance thing.

 

I have become one thing, a serial cheater. I have ****ed two and when on countless dates and made out with many more since then. We are still together, and we have talked and been more open than we ever have up until now. We had to communicate our problems, resentments, and issues instead of ****ing it away.

 

 

 

I don’t even feel guilty about ****ing so many people during relationships. Why not? Why don’t I feel the nagging feeling of cheating and being dishonest that so many others have described here? I am the kind of person who doesn’t cheat at video games, board games, or work. I am honest with my friends, with money, and feel I have a moral compass. Except for this. I feel they deserve it, I feel it doesn’t matter. Why can’t break up and why can’t I stop cheating. Like I said, how naïve was I? I want to go back to that time I was innocent and never cheat. I want to love someone, and love them so much I can’t imagine cheating. This is my life. What is wrong with me?

 

 

I know so many here have been on the other side here. I know that this is going to incite some angry angry responses. Hey, I understand that. I once got afraid I was being cheated on and it made me sick to my stomach. Maybe there is some advice for me in all of this or some insights that help me understand myself. I’ve thought about counseling, but I just can’t. I can’t even talk about most of this stuff with someone I have been close with for five years. I can’t talk about the pains in my past without crying and I am not about to start crying in front of someone. I will feed those counselors the same line of bull**** that I feed everyone else. I am an emotional fortress, and no one will fix this, not even myself.

[kendahke]

This relationship was going south. Sex once a month if lucky, hardly any honesty in communication, a secret from the partner’s parents.

 

Those were your cues to leave them.

 

As for the rest, it reads like a writing assignment for a creative writing class...

[smackie9]

Who does and why do they cheat?....as you discovered for may different reasons. Even tho you were single, you are just as guilty being a part of the infidelity with those who are still involved in a relationship. Those are the cues that you might want to question your moral values, and respect for those who are being cheated on.

 

Straighten yourself out man, and learn to think before you act. Impulsive behavior leads to guilt and self loathing.

[Chi townD]

When I was younger, I was a very lonely person; all through high school, never having a date. Went to college, met someone, and fell for them. They in turn had a partner but showed me so much kindness and love that I couldn't part ways. Long story short, I lost my virginity to them while they were with their partner. I wanted so badly to be with them, they didn't want me and stayed with their partner.

 

 

 

 

 

Who the hell are "them, they, we and their"? This is the most non-gendered specific post I've ever read here.

 

 

If your gay, lesbian, straight or bisexual...it's all good here. No one is going to bash you. This is a safe place.

[BeneGesserit]

Those were your cues to leave them.

 

As for the rest, it reads like a writing assignment for a creative writing class...

 

I sincerely reassure you, this is the truth of my life, and the real thoughts I have. Mess of thoughts is probably a better descriptor. I don't quite understand my fickle thoughts of feeling in love, scared to be without someone, and then yet cheat on them and feeling there is something better for my life out there.

 

Who does and why do they cheat?....as you discovered for may different reasons. Even tho you were single, you are just as guilty being a part of the infidelity with those who are still involved in a relationship. Those are the cues that you might want to question your moral values, and respect for those who are being cheated on.

 

Straighten yourself out man, and learn to think before you act. Impulsive behavior leads to guilt and self loathing.

 

I know. When I was younger, I thought, hell I was not the one in the committed relationship. That I was not violating anyone's trust. However, as I get older I realize I was just ignorant to the problem I played in it.

 

I think some of it stems from watching my dad have an affair with a married woman as a kid. I mean, I sat atop the stairs crying because I knew there was something wrong with hearing my dad kiss a woman I knew was married to another man. ****ed.

 

To somewhat justify my history, half of the women that had boyfriends that I slept with, I was unaware of their situation before hand.

 

In fact, I so much want to feel true love, I never aim for a one night stand. I just have had several but I want a real emotional connection. Even the girls I have cheated with, I have wanted more than a ****. I have wanted emotional attachment. I yearn for this connection and feel like I never get it. Even with a five year relationship.

 

Who the hell are "them, they, we and their"? This is the most non-gendered specific post I've ever read here.

 

 

If your gay, lesbian, straight or bisexual...it's all good here. No one is going to bash you. This is a safe place.

 

I am a straight male, but was you know, for the sake of transparent unbiased advice, purposefully making it ambiguous in result to gender. However, if you think it will help people give me some advice, then there you go.

 

I was a dude who grew up in a **** situation of being made fun of. Being laughed at, teased and ignored by women. All of this changed when I hit 22. Now I am just a ****ed up individual who is seemingly in capable of loving someone for real. I am emotionally distant and walled off to everyone. I have never let a woman fully in my heart. I don't even love my parents, I never talk to them. Three times I talked to my recovering alcoholic of a mother and my straightened out dad in this entire year.

[kendahke]

To somewhat justify my history, half of the women that had boyfriends that I slept with, I was unaware of their situation before hand.

 

and it never occurred to you to ask them if they were in a relationship before your pants were around your ankles? Did/do you use protection when you have these trysts?

 

I was a dude who grew up in a **** situation of being made fun of. Being laughed at, teased and ignored by women. All of this changed when I hit 22. Now I am just a ****ed up individual who is seemingly in capable of loving someone for real. I am emotionally distant and walled off to everyone. I have never let a woman fully in my heart. I don't even love my parents, I never talk to them

 

Have you ever talked with a professional therapist about all of this? You might get better results than trying to get a bunch of non-professionals to shrink you. If I break a bone, I go to a doctor to set it, not the folks at the pub down the road.

[BeneGesserit]

Hrmm, in most cases, I do indeed use protection. More so I am worried about babies than stds. Heh. Almost all of my one night stands had protection.

Though I do not ask them because I figure if they had a bf, they would go and **** him, not me.

 

Absolutely never talked to a therapist, and I don't know if I could. I once tried to open up to my ex gf about some of the **** in my life and I just cry. I can't even spit out the words, and then tears come and I can't even say anything. I am not going to do that in front of a stranger. Plus, I will just feed them the same bull**** I feed most people. I am a good faker.

[kendahke]

So, you're here faking, too, is that it?

 

If you cry in front of a therapist, they are professionally trained to help you navigate your way out of that emotional minefield. Ex girlfriends aren't.

[BeneGesserit]

So, you're here faking, too, is that it?

 

If you cry in front of a therapist, they are professionally trained to help you navigate your way out of that emotional minefield. Ex girlfriends aren't.

 

Sweet anonymity. This is the first time I have outted all of this. Not even my closest friends know what I do.

 

Just the thought of talking in front of someone, these things, make my stomach uneasy. Maybe I fear judgement. In all of my break ups, I have never ended them with the truth, more or less try to make them amicable and look like I am not such a prick, just didn't want to pursue the long one with them.

 

Maybe I should give it a real shot, two people in my life have suggested it. My longest relationship ex and that specific girl that I cheated on my partners with.

[Chi townD]

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am a straight male, but was you know, for the sake of transparent unbiased advice, purposefully making it ambiguous in result to gender. However, if you think it will help people give me some advice, then there you go.

 

I was a dude who grew up in a **** situation of being made fun of. Being laughed at, teased and ignored by women. All of this changed when I hit 22. Now I am just a ****ed up individual who is seemingly in capable of loving someone for real. I am emotionally distant and walled off to everyone. I have never let a woman fully in my heart. I don't even love my parents, I never talk to them. Three times I talked to my recovering alcoholic of a mother and my straightened out dad in this entire year.

 

 

AHHH!!! See, that tells me a lot more than your original post! Okay, now where to start.

 

 

You find it hard making a connection to people because you've put up a wall between you and others. Because you have a fear of getting hurt. If you don't let anyone on your side of the wall, then you can't get hurt.

 

 

You don't trust because you've never had a nurturing upbringing and you don't know what that's like especially with women considering that you had to deal with an alcoholic mother that probably wasn't the poster woman for Mother of the Year. You've probably felt that you were on your own throughout your entire life. You don't know what maternal instincts look like because you probably had very little exposure to it. Therefore, I might have made you look and seem awkward around girls. And let's face it, kids can be cruel and the laughing, taunting and teasing only resulted you into putting more bricks on that wall.

 

 

Here's the thing. You need personal counseling to help you tear down those walls. We're not kids anymore and there are girls out there that are looking for guys that are grounded and don't want to play games and vice versa. A lot of girls are getting sick and tired of chasing after "the bad boys" and are looking for someone that is grounded and will treat them the way that they deserved to be treated. They're out there.

 

 

But; with you, it seems that you have a hard time giving your heart away completely. A good definition of love is giving your heart to someone and trusting them not to break it. Sometimes, you just got to take that leap! Relationships are hard and sometimes, they are fantastic and sometimes, they're heartbreaking. But, you need to sit with someone and learn how to take down your barriers. You got a lot of hurt that needs to be addressed.

Edited February 5, 2015 by Chi townD

[mickleb]

Cheating is very passive-aggressive. You weren't given what you needed as a kid and you're taking it out on those who don't deserve it. Sure, girlfriends aren't perfect, and if yours is rude, you need to tell her. You don't screw the next thing that catches your eye and lie through your teeth about it.

 

Do you think counsellors don't see people crying? You need to man up and let your guard down. Let your anger surface under the guidance of someone who can help you process it. You'll be happier in every aspect of your life if you bother to. If you never do, you never will be.

 

Your choice to make. Stop dragging the unsuspecting into your own sh*tpile.

[hoping2heal]

Hi Bene,

 

I think you just crossed a line and you felt badly then but once that line is already crossed, it is that much easier to cross it again. Almost like a gateway drug premise if you will.

 

Eventually, you just learned to compartmentalize and rationalize. This made the cheating okay and something you didn't have to feel guilty about and something you decided you would not think about. Denial is a strong coping mechanism. Even if one decides to use it to cope with themselves.

[irresolute]

Whom are you talking about? Them, their? Is it a couple you met?

The post was extremely long, id say people cheat for different reasons. If you are not comfortable with a situation, walk away. Life is hard and confusing. I hope you find your happiness somewhere.