jbrent890 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Just out of curiosity, for those of you who caught their spouses in the affair and chose to stay, how did you deal with watching your spouse detox from the affair? Personally, if I saw my wife numb or constantly crying because she missed the affair, that would just solidify the notion that I'm not who she truly wants, which would cause me to leave. 6
Friskyone4u Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 That's exactly why when a woman has an affair it is more likely to end the marriage according to most stuff I have read. That is because men normally detox quickly once the affair is outed or the sex stops. If you read the book "Not Just Friends" it says a wife's affair is more likely to result in the end of the marriage because women are usually emotionally checked out of the marriage and involved with OM before the sex even begins . You don't see too many men continue to break NC when no sex is a certainty of insist on remaining "friends" with AP. but the forums are filled with some who cannot get out of the so called "fog", who continue to lie and break NC and even lose their marriages while insisting on staying friends with AP. In my opinion this "fog" is also enhanced by the BH who begs and pleads and plays the "pick me game". The quickest way to end the fog is to Knock her out of it with divorce papers that show the real consequences but give her time to get off the fence . Again, there are a lot of men who continue the affair but almost 100% because sex is still being provided by AP. 4
Be_Strong Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Personally, if I saw my wife numb or constantly crying because she missed the affair, that would just solidify the notion that I'm not who she truly wants, which would cause me to leave. I had to live through this. You can't imagine pain until you have to comfort your crying wife in bed at night because she is missing her AP. To a much lesser extent, it's still there and my WW is coping with the loss still. She has a strong enough control over it now though that she can mask it from me and wait to cry when she's by herself. I didn't interpret my wife's grief as me not being who she truly wanted. If she had lost me and was with her AP, he'd have to comfort her crying over the loss of me. She was a classic cake eater and didn't want to lose either of us. So she was going to grieve over whoever she ended up losing. 6 1
EverySunset Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 My ex went through this. He kept breaking NC with her, but when he suddenly stopped living on his phone, he was broken hearted and walked Round moping and sullen. I picked up on it and asked if he was grieving the loss of the relationship and he said yes. I told him that I never saw him so torn up over losing me (he'd been kind of abrasive and very distant, dismissive after Dday) and while I understood, I asked him to indulge his breakup emotions in his own space, and stop bringing it into our space when I was so fresh on the heels of his betrayal. He admitted later he'd had sex with her again back then, so he was likely feeling it twice as hard - breaking up again after intimacy. I was blown away. 1
Sub Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I took the "do what you gotta do and we'll see what happens" route. My WW didn't go cold-turkey. It was more of a weening, I guess. Still very hard for us, but I wanted her to resolve whatever it was she had with him and know she wanted to be with me. I knew she was still talking to him, and she told me what they talked about. She told me every time she would speak to him or see him. At one point, while we were in limbo and about to separate, she told me she was going to spend the night with him. It was a total gamble, but I think it paid off. 1
whatatangledweb Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 My husband didn't go through this. I think because he was tired of the affair and her. He seemed more reliefed than anything. If he had gone through it , I wouldn't have stayed. I couldn't have dealth with that on top of all he had already done . 1
snappytomcat Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 My husband didn't go through this. I think because he was tired of the affair and her. He seemed more reliefed than anything. If he had gone through it , I wouldn't have stayed. I couldn't have dealth with that on top of all he had already done . yup this is true for us also
DKT3 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Men are wired differently and don't have to detach from the wife in order to have an affair. Men tend to hold their wives as highly as they did before the affair. Women tend to have to distance themselves from the husband as they grow closer to OM. Normally finding those things about the husband and marriage that she doesn't like to focus on. Because of those things men don't hold on to affairs emotionally. I think the mistake that so many BH make is as another poster said, they do the pick me dance. Begging, pleading or trying to enforce boundaries for her. I admit, I went dark on mine. Detached totally over about a six month period. I really couldn't say if she detoxed during that period because I didn't spend much time and/or energy with or on her. To answer the question, absolutely not, would I watch her. That would be that, and I would tell her to go be with him I'm out. 5
Confused48 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Just out of curiosity, for those of you who caught their spouses in the affair and chose to stay, how did you deal with watching your spouse detox from the affair? Personally, if I saw my wife numb or constantly crying because she missed the affair, that would just solidify the notion that I'm not who she truly wants, which would cause me to leave. You see a lot of answers here and elsewhere about how "if" this had happened in "my" case, I'd be gone. You don't know till it happens. How many of us thought we would spend more two seconds trying to decide to stay or leave if there was a Dday? Until there was a Dday. As far as the specifics of your case jb, some WS are better at hiding what they feel about the loss of the AP. They hid the A for how long? You think they can't hide a little break up grief? As for my case, I think one can have compassion for another person who you had a long close relationship with, without wanting to continue that relationship. The two are not linked in my mind. I saw my WS suffering and wanted to help. That did not mean all was forgiven, far from it.
Confused48 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 That's exactly why when a woman has an affair it is more likely to end the marriage according to most stuff I have read. That is because men normally detox quickly once the affair is outed or the sex stops. You don't see too many men continue to break NC when no sex is a certainty of insist on remaining "friends" with AP I don't buy this great divide, men are all X and women are all Y. There may be slight preponderances but nothing so black and white. Already on this thread we see a BW posting about her WH breaking your stereotype. There are very many more examples here on LS for those with eyes open. 3
Wondering33 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Just out of curiosity, for those of you who caught their spouses in the affair and chose to stay, how did you deal with watching your spouse detox from the affair? Personally, if I saw my wife numb or constantly crying because she missed the affair, that would just solidify the notion that I'm not who she truly wants, which would cause me to leave. I'm confused, your first thread said your wife had a one night stand? Yes, one night stand is cheating & hurtful but I don't understand how someone would be detoxing from something that was just one night. Unless I've missed that you found out she was seeing him long term. In that case, it's like detoxing from anything. A strong urge in the begining but subsides. I've never heard of a woman that really allowed her husband to see that part of it, if your wife is showing that to you, it means she being 100% open & honest which I would say is a good sign. 2
drifter777 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I had to live through this. You can't imagine pain until you have to comfort your crying wife in bed at night because she is missing her AP. To a much lesser extent, it's still there and my WW is coping with the loss still. She has a strong enough control over it now though that she can mask it from me and wait to cry when she's by herself. I didn't interpret my wife's grief as me not being who she truly wanted. If she had lost me and was with her AP, he'd have to comfort her crying over the loss of me. She was a classic cake eater and didn't want to lose either of us. So she was going to grieve over whoever she ended up losing. Wow - and you stayed with her and dried the tears she was shedding for another man? Unbelievable to me but we are all different. I wish my wife would have acted this way so I could have regained my courage and divorced her. 3
drifter777 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I took the "do what you gotta do and we'll see what happens" route. My WW didn't go cold-turkey. It was more of a weening, I guess. Still very hard for us, but I wanted her to resolve whatever it was she had with him and know she wanted to be with me. I knew she was still talking to him, and she told me what they talked about. She told me every time she would speak to him or see him. At one point, while we were in limbo and about to separate, she told me she was going to spend the night with him. It was a total gamble, but I think it paid off. Amazing! I guess sex is just sex to some men - even when it involves their wife and OM. 3
harrybrown Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 My ex went through this. He kept breaking NC with her, but when he suddenly stopped living on his phone, he was broken hearted and walked Round moping and sullen. I picked up on it and asked if he was grieving the loss of the relationship and he said yes. I told him that I never saw him so torn up over losing me (he'd been kind of abrasive and very distant, dismissive after Dday) and while I understood, I asked him to indulge his breakup emotions in his own space, and stop bringing it into our space when I was so fresh on the heels of his betrayal. He admitted later he'd had sex with her again back then, so he was likely feeling it twice as hard - breaking up again after intimacy. I was blown away. Is this why he is your ex?
Sub Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Amazing! I guess sex is just sex to some men - even when it involves their wife and OM. Not really. Much more complicated than that. 1
drifter777 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Not really. Much more complicated than that. Actually after re-reading your post, amazing isn't the word to describe it. While figuring out whether to reconcile or not you actually allowed her to spend the night with him. Cuckold fantasy? Nothing else could support your behavior. 1
Spark1111 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Just out of curiosity, for those of you who caught their spouses in the affair and chose to stay, how did you deal with watching your spouse detox from the affair? Personally, if I saw my wife numb or constantly crying because she missed the affair, that would just solidify the notion that I'm not who she truly wants, which would cause me to leave. Jbrent, I saw my H detox from the affair, not the AP. In the affair, he was Superman and she was Wonder woman. Everything was perfect and ego-boosting....and wonderful. Of course it was! Reality was NEVER allowed to intrude. he missed the way the affair made him feel, like a superhero, not the AP so much. In time, with de-fogging, he realized how full of sh$! he was, and how she was too. They would say ANYTHING to keep those feel good brain chemicals flowing. Like I told him, I've been in love before you and I never had to text my lover 20 times a day. An affair is a different animal. With time, and clarity, he was deeply ashamed of his actions. I held onto that dogs in heat on brain chemicals similiar to cocaine addiction with warped perceptions of reality HAD nothing to do with me, our marriage, our relationship. It still doesn't. 4
atreides Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I absolutely love the subject title "detox" OP, you truly understand the nature of an affair. It is an addiction and with that, keep to your understanding in knowing what really "love" is in a relationship and what a "high" is as in the context of "missing" it or "withdrawal" sending strength. 1
fellini Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 (edited) Actually NOT seeing my WW grieve the loss of a man she had been devoting her emotional energy to during more than a year alerted me to the fact that she wasn't doing the necessary work to clear out the drug. This caused us to have a short lived structured separation 8 months in past DDAY so that she could do the work necessary to find closure for herself. I say structured separation as it is used CLINICALLY to mean an agree separation with isolation and personal work, not a free ticket to visit the AP. From DDAY on she was completely NC all this time, but her mind was wandering back to "thinking" about him, and she needed to get "him" out of her system. Being apart allowed her to shift from letting my pain be the focus of our collective attention to herself. But I agree, she needed to also see it wasn't really the REAL him she was seeing, it was the feelings she was getting looking at him looking at her making her feel like the queen bee. It was their secrecy, the mystery, the thrill of the chase, the focus on nothing but each other for those few hours of each encounter. This is not knowing someone, this is merely being with someone. Hyper bonding and the rawness of the emotional reconnection after DDAY helps enormously as a substitute for these feelings as well. The marriage begins again to be the source of "cocaine" and "heroine" high simultaneously, often transferring these powerful feelings back away from the AP onto the BS where they belong. Step one: remove the imminent threat of a rebound. This is going to require a BS to see something solid happening and I don't see that as a reason to divorce, I see it as a positive and challenging attempt to get back in. Edited February 4, 2015 by fellini
Sub Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Cuckold fantasy? Nothing else could support your behavior. Wow. No. Not at all. R wasn't sent in stone at that point. We were saying the words, that we wanted to try to make it work. But she still had an apartment lined up, and I was wavering. I didn't want to move forward with someone who left a lot unresolved. Thus the "do what you got to do and we'll see what happens". I made no promises. Also, there was no sex. She actually went with the specific intention of not being physical with him. She got sick from the dinner she had and slept on the couch. (All information that was confirmed via chat transcript.) Trust me. I hated her for it at the time. As I said, it was a gamble. But in the end, she wanted to make it work with us, he showed his true colors, she saw him for what he was and got some closure, and we moved forward. 1
EverySunset Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Is this why he is your ex? Part of it yeah! When he was detoxing tho, he was still with me. He had to stay in touch for business reasons which rankled me, but I knew it was more. I found out more later. Everything, really. And when I did... Man I got cold all the way through. It's one thing to be betrayed. It's quite another to watch them pine for the one they lost. 1
jm2013 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I don't think I'd be able to sit there and watch my wife "detox" from her affair partner. The lack of respect would run even deeper for the BS. 2
badkarma2013 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I don't think I'd be able to sit there and watch my wife "detox" from her affair partner. The lack of respect would run even deeper for the BS. ******************************************************************* My God am I on the cuckold forum??? Console my WW after she had (at the very least) Lied to me...Deceived me and Betrayed me ...while she had a fu&kfest with her Boss for over a year..Are you out of your mind....?? Again ..she served me a Platter of sh^t sandwiches ... I chose NOT to eat them......I filed for D as soon as I had found out more that I EVER wanted to know.. I could care less (at that time) What her Reasons were ..What her Unmet needs were or what she thought... Amazing how most of them Whine when caught,,but would have Never stopped until caught... Again,,If my WW and the OM thought they would walk away unscathed ..WE ALL learned an very hard lesson... For the record I knew I could never over the betrayal and had the good sense to act on it... Good luck you the rest of you who want to console a liar,and someone who has betrayed the very thing most hold dear... I have more respect for myself because She DA*N well did not! 5
coryreply Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I can't imagine how difficult this type of scenario would be for me. My heart goes out to all of you that have had to try and be there emotionally for your BS after D day.
Confused48 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 ******************************************************************* Console my WW after she had (at the very least) Lied to me...Deceived me and Betrayed me ...while she had a fu&kfest with her Boss for over a year..Are you out of your mind....??For the record I knew I could never over the betrayal and had the good sense to act on it... Good luck you the rest of you who want to console a liar,and someone who has betrayed the very thing most hold dear... Not every BS is in your specific situation. I can see why you reacted the way you did. Having to see photos/videos? of your wife doing sex acts with OM that she never did with you! Holy Cow! That had to be worse than anything other than catching a WS in the act, in person, doing things you never got them to do with you. What you are not thinking about is that there are many here on this forum that have a far less traumatic situation. Some that have a WS that they know, from verifiable evidence, have never had even enjoyable sex with the AP. Some that only had an EA that never turned PA. However, whatever the case, even if someone caught their WS in the act in a full on orgie with multiple partners in the marriage bed, if that person still has the kindness in their heart to feel compassion for the WS, to feel sorry for the train wreck that is about to become the WS life, I applaud that. It is never wrong to feel compassion for someone who is suffering. It is normal to do so especially if that someone suffering has been close to you for years, is the parent of your children, has a long good history with you aside from the bad acts that lead to their pain. I'm not saying that if I were in your shoes I'd be that big of a person myself. I very much doubt I would be able to but I sure don't disparage the person that could do that.
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