Watching Spouse Detox From Affair

[drifter777]

Wow. No. Not at all. R wasn't sent in stone at that point. We were saying the words, that we wanted to try to make it work. But she still had an apartment lined up, and I was wavering. I didn't want to move forward with someone who left a lot unresolved. Thus the "do what you got to do and we'll see what happens". I made no promises. Also, there was no sex. She actually went with the specific intention of not being physical with him. She got sick from the dinner she had and slept on the couch. (All information that was confirmed via chat transcript.) Trust me. I hated her for it at the time.

 

As I said, it was a gamble. But in the end, she wanted to make it work with us, he showed his true colors, she saw him for what he was and got some closure, and we moved forward.

Look, I understand what you thought you were doing. I just know that it would have been impossible for me to keep trying after she chose other man AGAIN! And the no sex part? What ever "verification" you got from a chat script is totally and completely meaningless. Those things can be altered tell you exactly what you wanted to hear. You are one of the most gullible men I have ever chatted with - but if that's what gets you through the night then so be it. Be happy.

 

Why do you come to this forum? What is left for you?

[TrustedthenBusted]

yup this is true for us also

 

Same. My wife said she actually hoped I'd find her emails. Not like they were very well hidden.

 

Said she was already feeling pressure from OM to keep seeing her, when she had already sort of decided that the A wasn't solving whatever problem was leading her to have it.

 

Twice she used the word relieved.

[VeryBrokenMan]

The only time I saw my wife cry was when we were talking about the details of the affair or if we were staying together or whatever. As far as I could see she ended it and was over him within a few days and she never had a long detox period. And she has said she was relieved it was over more than once.

[Sub]

You are one of the most gullible men I have ever chatted with - but if that's what gets you through the night then so be it. Be happy.

To each their own, drifter. I'm just talking about my experience. There's a bigger picture I think you may be missing, but it is what it is. Gullible? Who knows. I went through a ton of pain, worked it out with her, and here we are.

 

Why do you come to this forum? What is left for you?

To lend some advice when I can, share parts of my story, read about people with common experiences, etc. But only when I'm not busy giving money to Nigerian businessmen and buying bridges.

[badkarma2013]

Not every BS is in your specific situation. I can see why you reacted the way you did. Having to see photos/videos? of your wife doing sex acts with OM that she never did with you! Holy Cow! That had to be worse than anything other than catching a WS in the act, in person, doing things you never got them to do with you.

 

What you are not thinking about is that there are many here on this forum that have a far less traumatic situation. Some that have a WS that they know, from verifiable evidence, have never had even enjoyable sex with the AP. Some that only had an EA that never turned PA.

 

However, whatever the case, even if someone caught their WS in the act in a full on orgie with multiple partners in the marriage bed, if that person still has the kindness in their heart to feel compassion for the WS, to feel sorry for the train wreck that is about to become the WS life, I applaud that.

 

It is never wrong to feel compassion for someone who is suffering. It is normal to do so especially if that someone suffering has been close to you for years, is the parent of your children, has a long good history with you aside from the bad acts that lead to their pain.

 

I'm not saying that if I were in your shoes I'd be that big of a person myself. I very much doubt I would be able to but I sure don't disparage the person that could do that.

*****************************************************************

 

Thank you for your post....I agree ...mine was different than most here..but even without the pics the outcome would have been the same...

 

My life and everything I held dear was torn to pieces in an instant..

for ANYONE to expect kindness or understanding when you have Betrayed me and PIS%ED on my emotions you must have a traumatic head injury...

 

When she whor%d herself out to the OM...she lost Respect for herself...Then I lost Respect for her...I could give a da*n what she needed ..why she did it..or any other reason most WSs give to the betrayed...

 

If anyone here feels kindness for the "Train Wreck" that the WS is about to feel ...have at it..one word comes to mind..doormat..but if thats you ,again so be it..

 

I napalmed Everything with regard to Her and the OM...and never looked back...

 

Remember..

“Karma bides it's time. You will always have to watch out. Karma is unforgiving and always gets payback.”

 

Yes Indeed...Badkarma

Edited February 4, 2015 by badkarma2013

[italianjob]

However, whatever the case, even if someone caught their WS in the act in a full on orgie with multiple partners in the marriage bed, if that person still has the kindness in their heart to feel compassion for the WS, to feel sorry for the train wreck that is about to become the WS life, I applaud that.

 

It is never wrong to feel compassion for someone who is suffering. It is normal to do so especially if that someone suffering has been close to you for years, is the parent of your children, has a long good history with you aside from the bad acts that lead to their pain.

 

??? You find your wife in a gang bang and feel sorry for her suffering?

What would she be suffering? Too many dicks?

...

Unless she has some serious and diagnosed disorder, no, I would feel sorry for myself for having been fooled into marrying someone like that...

[badkarma2013]

??? You find your wife in a gang bang and feel sorry for her suffering?

What would she be suffering? Too many dicks?

...

Unless she has some serious and diagnosed disorder, no, I would feel sorry for myself for having been fooled into marrying someone like that...

 

 

 

AS most BHs here feel...FOOLED!

[fellini]

Not every BS has to cuddle and feel sorry for a WS disentangling themselves from an AP.

 

But to make the decision to stay means inevitably enduring the idea that disconnecting from the AP is absolutely necessary. Those BS'S who have a "dealbreaker" mentality have already staked their position that R is not on the table, so I'm not that convinced that they have something to add to this aspect of recovery. You simply are not on the same page.

 

So accepting that one has to kick the wayward to the curb because s/he has made the BS plan BB, surely you can see that if for those of us who stick it out, we are going to have to accept that becoming plan A again is not a switch that gets pressed. It's a process. It is what it is.

[badkarma2013]

Not every BS has to cuddle and feel sorry for a WS disentangling themselves from an AP.

 

But to make the decision to stay means inevitably enduring the idea that disconnecting from the AP is absolutely necessary. Those BS'S who have a "dealbreaker" mentality have already staked their position that R is not on the table, so I'm not that convinced that they have something to add to this aspect of recovery. You simply are not on the same page.

 

So accepting that one has to kick the wayward to the curb because s/he has made the BS plan BB, surely you can see that if for those of us who stick it out, we are going to have to accept that becoming plan A again is not a switch that gets pressed. It's a process. It is what it is.

 

*****************************************************************

Fellini...thanks once again ...sometimes your post are like a Valium to me...

i calm down and see thru my... well my issues..Your and Mrs. Adams post and stories have softened me greatly..

 

You are indeed correct..Those of us with That Dealbreaker type of thinking..

"we are truly not on the same page and more than likely will never be.."

 

I will never think i am wrong in stating my position,,However you have shown me there are other ways besides the "scorched earth" policy I live by...and by god for some they make it work..

 

I dont think You and anyone else that is a BS will ever have Plan A ...I believe it died D-DAY....But we can at least agree to disagree...

 

Thank you again..Badkarma

Edited February 4, 2015 by badkarma2013

[road]

I don't think I'd be able to sit there and watch my wife "detox" from her affair partner. The lack of respect would run even deeper for the BS.

 

 

 

It is not about a lack of respect it is about a WW having addicted chemical actions in her brain from the affair. She was getting a high from the excitement.

 

 

With addictions some people can quit cold turkey and never look back some it is very hard to withdraw.

 

 

You were not willing to recover. I support your decision. Though being you did not want recovery makes you biased against a WW having a legitimate need to detox. Giving up an addiction does not mean the WW does not see her BH as her first choice. It is showing that now that her head is pulled out from her butt and the fog is clearing she values her BH more now then the OM. This is why she is going through the pain of withdrawal.

[Confused48]

??? You find your wife in a gang bang and feel sorry for her suffering?

What would she be suffering? Too many dicks?

...

Unless she has some serious and diagnosed disorder, no, I would feel sorry for myself for having been fooled into marrying someone like that...

 

 

Again, I am not claiming to be that enlightened, that I could be compassionate in that situation. I'm not completely insensitive and self absorbed though either. I can understand that someone getting caught having an affair is going to suffer greatly, and then also feel sorry for them. That they ended up in such a bad way. Depending upon how hurt I was personally, I may or may not be able to express my condolences to them.

 

However, no matter what, if I saw some other BS showing compassion to their WS b/c their WS was suffering, I would not call them a doormat. I would not taunt them about how many dicks their WS had in them. I would consider them to be better than those that feel no compassion. Better than those that just see their own pain and have no feeling for others who are even less fortunate than themselves.

 

After all that has happened to me, all the pain I have suffered bc of my WS's A, I still feel like my WS is far worse off, more hurt, more damaged. As bad as it is to be a BS, it is worse still to be a WS and exposed. If your situation is so horrific, the betrayal so egregious, that you can't feel compassion for your WS then ok. I can see that in some situations that it IS too much to expect. But all situations? No, and in NO situation do I think it is wrong or weak to have compassion. None. It is not always possible or expected but if it happens, compassion is always good. IMHO.

[italianjob]

Again, I am not claiming to be that enlightened, that I could be compassionate in that situation. I'm not completely insensitive and self absorbed though either. I can understand that someone getting caught having an affair is going to suffer greatly, and then also feel sorry for them. That they ended up in such a bad way. Depending upon how hurt I was personally, I may or may not be able to express my condolences to them.

 

However, no matter what, if I saw some other BS showing compassion to their WS b/c their WS was suffering, I would not call them a doormat. I would not taunt them about how many dicks their WS had in them. I would consider them to be better than those that feel no compassion. Better than those that just see their own pain and have no feeling for others who are even less fortunate than themselves.

 

After all that has happened to me, all the pain I have suffered bc of my WS's A, I still feel like my WS is far worse off, more hurt, more damaged. As bad as it is to be a BS, it is worse still to be a WS and exposed. If your situation is so horrific, the betrayal so egregious, that you can't feel compassion for your WS then ok. I can see that in some situations that it IS too much to expect. But all situations? No, and in NO situation do I think it is wrong or weak to have compassion. None. It is not always possible or expected but if it happens, compassion is always good. IMHO.

 

Again, compassion for what? Cheating is not a disease or an accident. It's something they decided to do knowing perfectly well what could come out of it. Come on...

[Confused48]

Again, compassion for what? Cheating is not a disease or an accident. It's something they decided to do knowing perfectly well what could come out of it. Come on...

 

Compassion for a person in a very bad situation, suffering from it.

 

The analogy of drunk driving is often used. A drunk driver kills someone, goes to jail for a very long time. Family members of the deceased may feel compassion for the driver. Not wishing they did not have to do the time, but feeling compassion for the suffering that became their fate when they decided to drink and drive.

 

I'm not saying I could do that. However, I do admire anyone that can. I don't see it as weak or foolish. I see it as stronger and more evolved than the alternative.

[italianjob]

Compassion for a person in a very bad situation, suffering from it.

 

The analogy of drunk driving is often used. A drunk driver kills someone, goes to jail for a very long time. Family members of the deceased may feel compassion for the driver. Not wishing they did not have to do the time, but feeling compassion for the suffering that became their fate when they decided to drink and drive.

 

I'm not saying I could do that. However, I do admire anyone that can. I don't see it as weak or foolish. I see it as stronger and more evolved than the alternative.

 

This would lead too far away from the subject matter. Anyway, cheating won't get you in jail or killed. You just end up losing something you decided to gamble away anyway.

Besides, about your example, I've sadly known several family members of people killed by drunk drivers. Never heard about any of them feeling compassion for the drunk driver. Frankly, I wouldn't feel any, either...

[drifter777]

Not every BS has to cuddle and feel sorry for a WS disentangling themselves from an AP.

 

But to make the decision to stay means inevitably enduring the idea that disconnecting from the AP is absolutely necessary. Those BS'S who have a "dealbreaker" mentality have already staked their position that R is not on the table, so I'm not that convinced that they have something to add to this aspect of recovery. You simply are not on the same page.

 

Actually, I got the impression from OP that he wanted opinions from men that see this aspect of infidelity from both sides - his included. There was no admonition that they have to be on some page.

 

 

So accepting that one has to kick the wayward to the curb because s/he has made the BS plan BB, surely you can see that if for those of us who stick it out, we are going to have to accept that becoming plan A again is not a switch that gets pressed. It's a process. It is what it is.

 

Yeah, I understand that if you have a genuine, unwavering desire to reconcile with your WW then you have to accept this. But, generally, this happens soon after d-day. At that time I'm sure there are BH's wanting to try to R but are still on the fence about it (maybe most BH's?) so the WW should probably suffer in silence. He doesn't need to know about her broken heart over OM. And crying for the OM will not only push a lot of them over the edge to divorce, it is likely horribly hurtful to the BH.

[Furious]

Just out of curiosity, for those of you who caught their spouses in the affair and chose to stay, how did you deal with watching your spouse detox from the affair? Personally, if I saw my wife numb or constantly crying because she missed the affair, that would just solidify the notion that I'm not who she truly wants, which would cause me to leave.

 

 

The detox is not about the affair partner. If they really want the affair partner they would go off with him or her. Of course, if the affair partner bails, then there is the detox from the rejection and having to deal with their worth as not being as special as they were led to believe.

 

An affair is an insulated relationship, it's difficult to let go of the high from having a double life. In an affair the ego is insatiable but also fragile, it's a double edged sword.

 

When an affair is discovered the WS is not prepared to deal with a real choice. They mourn the good old days when they can have it all, and it's a very lofty height to come down from. The self pity, the hours without texts and validation, the end of compliments, the fun, the excitement....how will they fill in the time and function without it. It's not pretty, the loss of an inflated ego and inflated entitlement.

 

I believe the best thing for a betrayed spouse to do is to take themselves out of the triangle as quickly as possible. Ironically, a spouse who is clingy and shows no self respect validates the disrespect their WS has shown them.

 

The value you place in yourself has a direct cost to the value your spouse will treat you with. In my situation, I had no intention to compete with an affair, he was free to make it more than an affair. Odd, that very often this seems to curb the detox and reality sets in.

Edited February 4, 2015 by Furious

[drifter777]

The detox is not about the affair partner. If they really want the affair partner they would go off with him or her. Of course, if the affair partner bails, then there is the detox from the rejection and having to deal with their worth as not being as special as they were led to believe.

 

An affair is an insulated relationship, it's difficult to let go of the high from having a double life. In an affair the ego is insatiable but also fragile, it's a double edged sword.

 

When an affair is discovered the WS is not prepared to deal with a real choice. They mourn the good old days when they can have it all, and it's a very lofty height to come down from. The self pity, the hours without texts and validation, the end of compliments, the fun, the excitement....how will they fill in the time and function without it. It's not pretty, the loss of an inflated ego and inflated entitlement.

 

I believe the best thing for a betrayed spouse to do is to take themselves out of the triangle as quickly as possible. Ironically, a spouse who is clingy and shows no self respect validates the disrespect their WS has shown them.

 

The value you place in yourself has a direct cost to the value your spouse will treat you with. In my situation, I had no intention to compete with an affair, he was free to make it more than an affair. Odd, that very often this seems to curb the detox and reality sets in.

Thanks - very enlightening. I don't think it would have mattered to me whether she was pining over him or just all the fun and excitement she had and will now lose. Both pretty hurtful but interesting because there is a big, fundamental difference.

 

You say BS should remove themselves ASAP - are you referring to 180? Like tossing them out or leaving yourself?

[Furious]

Thanks - very enlightening. I don't think it would have mattered to me whether she was pining over him or just all the fun and excitement she had and will now lose. Both pretty hurtful but interesting because there is a big, fundamental difference.

 

You say BS should remove themselves ASAP - are you referring to 180? Like tossing them out or leaving yourself?

 

Drifter

 

I was so naive, didn't even know what a 180 was.

 

How can I explain it.. It was a deep set resolve within myself that it's over...game over.

 

In my situation, I handed him his suitcase and wished him well. I really did not want to be a part of a triangle that I did not sign up for.

[autumnnight]

Look, I understand what you thought you were doing.

 

I'm always amused when someone thinks they know what someone did or was thinking better than the actual person. Especially someone who won't take their own advice.

 

That said, I don't think I could comfort someone over hurt they chose to cause themselves, especially betrayal.

 

My brother has diabetes. I felt for him when his sugar would crash in the middle of the night or go sky high when he had an infection or virus. But if it crashed because he was to lazy to stop gaming and fix a snack? Or if he felt like crap because his sugar was 350 after eating a huge slice of cake? Nope. He knew what would happen.

[drifter777]

Drifter

 

I was so naive, didn't even know what a 180 was.

 

How can I explain it.. It was a deep set resolve within myself that it's over...game over.

 

In my situation, I handed him his suitcase and wished him well. I really did not want to be a part of a triangle that I did not sign up for.

Same here - I didn't have a clue what to do or where to turn. When my wife told me to get out and that she was going to move her boyfriend into our apartment I numbly packed some stuff and left. I swore to myself that I would hate her forever and that there would never be a reason to communicate with her again other than strictly must-know information about our 6 year-old son. During her 3 weeks of playing house with her exciting new man, I spoke with her once. I told her to have our son outside so I could pick him up every Friday at 4:00 PM and I would bring him back Sunday at 6:00 PM. That's it.

 

Three weeks later she threw her boyfriend out and started crying & begging for me to come home. You know the rest.

 

The key item in all this is that I never intended to speak to her again after she told me what she told me. My heart was hard and my resolve to forget her and move on was very strong. This terrified her because the fantasy of what she was doing turned real in a hurry. I let her have her cake but took myself away. She was dead to me at that time and that's exactly how I treated her. It was the perfect 180.

 

If only she would have waited a few more weeks to kick him out I would have been past the point of no return and would never even known LS existed.

[RightThere]

If only she would have waited a few more weeks to kick him out I would have been past the point of no return and would never even known LS existed.

 

Amazing they can almost sense when we are approaching the point of no return. If my wife hadn't given me the sob story about how abusive her OM was and needed to get out of his place when she did, I don't think I'd be in reconciliation today.

 

Much harder when kids are involved. People hate to hear "we stayed together for the kids" but it's a reality of the situation I know full well.

[fellini]

Badkarma. Just to be infinitely clearer because you are one of the few BS's open to hearing things that don't / didn't work for you.

 

I believe in Dealbreaker thinking. I think it's healthy. As I have said before, I would even say that I have a dealbreaker mentality. But theory is not practice. Theory is theory, and Practice is practice. We are not obliged to put our theories into practice, and worse, as we see here in LS too often, to take our individual practice and attempt to theorize it for everyone.

 

I'm not going to imagine what you have gone through. ONE image would be enough for me. Had I seen ONE image of what you had seen, I would be a separated man today. But not because her infidelity was a "dealbreaker" for me, but because, like you, that experience would cloud any ability I had to survive a reconciliation. But again. That is all opinion, and when push comes to shove I don't know, nor can most people know, how they are going to accommodate cognitive dissonance when theory slams up to the brick wall of practice.

 

Unlike how another poster above has taken my comment "not on the same page", the point was well taken by you. Maybe a different metaphor was needed. I'll quote Frost just to say, "I chose the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."

 

The truth is our spouse's infidelities have forced us both to choose roads. And with different roads you are going to have different results. People who have chosen different paths in their personal journey have many things to share, but not all things can be shared.

 

A man who chooses to travel by sea has a different set of needs and expectations on his journey than a man who travels on horseback. While they coincide with their ability to discuss their isolation and loneliness, each one sees that the surrounding terrain explains more their differences than their intersections.

 

I do not see how anyone who has chosen the road to separation and divorce - for the reasons that they have: the woman deserves nothing more of me ever again - is in a solid position to comment on those who have declared that they wish to continue to share an intimate life with theirs. I simply don't expect you or any "dealbreaker" BS to understand what practice has taught me: that my WW must also grieve the loss of her A. It is a necessary step FOR ME as much as it is for her This concept of "detox" never once crossed my mind prior to discovering my wife's A, watching movies about affairs... thinking or talking about infidelity way back when, it never presented itself ... it is something that suddenly reveals itself as necessary and obvious only when you are in it. And as people have pointed out, there are many ways in which a WS can grieve his/her loss. It's all part of the process. There is no way around it.

 

I don't need you to understand it. Only I need to. I am alone on the sea battling high winds, you are on horseback riding through a sandstorm. I wish you luck, and I know you wish me the same. But unlike what others here have tried to surmise from this perspective I do not think this makes either of us a better man, a better person or more experienced or more knowledgeable. LS has taught me a lot about the commonality those of us who are BS's and those who are in fact WS's have with each other. This is for me one of the great advantages of LS: I am not alone in what I am going through. But as much as I have found stories here that are almost mirrors of my own, when I look into that mirror, I need to see myself in it, not some generic BS suffering from infidelity. And this quality, of all of us having some things we can share, must never be allowed to erase what makes us different. I like the idea of bibles. But I do not wish to be cast as a character in any one of them, not as JC, not as Judas, not as the Virgin Mary or Magdelena or Joseph or Isaac. I want to be, quite frankly, me, and NOT MERELY play out a role handed to me by my wife and a vociferous group of hardened, relatively angry BS's in LS whose sole purpose (with the odd exception of course) seems to be to play me, and others like me, rattle me, trigger me with "sausage" talk and "sluts", but worse, deny me my dignity and my self respect by challenging those very two basic things just because I didn't choose to go by horseback, but rather, made the perilous seas my means of transport to get to my next destination. Yes, I might drown before getting there. I might seek harbour at any time and continue on under the safety of foot. But that is another story to tell in the future. For now I am a sailor.

 

 

 

So I think we are not on the same page in terms of our personal journey, but I would agree that we are on the same page about how each person must travel through their reconciliation or their separation/divorce post DDAY as they wish. And that you have respect for that says a lot about your character. I do not disagree, never have, with your personal decision regards your WW. I think we can agree to agree, and agree to disagree. What is most important is the respect that you show here.

 

I thank you in return.

 

 

*****************************************************************

Fellini...thanks once again ...sometimes your post are like a Valium to me...

i calm down and see thru my... well my issues..Your and Mrs. Adams post and stories have softened me greatly..

 

You are indeed correct..Those of us with That Dealbreaker type of thinking..

"we are truly not on the same page and more than likely will never be.."

 

I will never think i am wrong in stating my position,,However you have shown me there are other ways besides the "scorched earth" policy I live by...and by god for some they make it work..

 

I dont think You and anyone else that is a BS will ever have Plan A ...I believe it died D-DAY....But we can at least agree to disagree...

 

Thank you again..Badkarma

Edited February 5, 2015 by fellini

[Grizzly101]

It takes a very strong man to comfort his spouse when her heart is broken over something that was disrespectful and betrayal.

 

In my case, I had the affair. I loved my H and was in love with OM after an EA. He wasn't stupid. He tried to ignore that I was broken and missing OM. I think the reason he did it was because I was honest with him about my feelings about them both and what allowed me to take part in the affair. And the fact that I validated his feelings and took responsibility for his pain. I am 100% to blame, but there were things in the marriage that made my justification very easy.

 

He gave me an option. He said to come home or not to come home. He knew by my choice to come home that I was willing to work and recommit to make it work. I saw the pain in his eyes, heard and wiped his tears at night. We both found true compassion for each other. We have both made changes in how we treat each other and are more caring and respectful to each other. He said that part of a marriage was to be my best friend. That is the role he took, even though he was devistated. In doing that and walking by my side after years of telling him what wasn't working without an attempt to change, I knew that I had this one chance to go "all in". I did, I'm working through it. I miss OM, but realized that life without my husband is not worth anything. I am very lucky and will never take it for granted.

[JohnAdams]

I am sorry, but, helping my wife detox from an affair is the last thing I would do. If she was still pining for another man, it would be over.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I have read an account where the ww was held in her husbands arms while she screamed and mourned for the om.

 

If i had done that...john would have kicked my a$$ to the curb no questions asked.

 

This is something i just do not understand. If you want to reconcile...how can you grieve for the AP? I am open minded and understanding...but this one baffles me.