My Cake.....

[FireandIce007]

I'm a MW with a single AP, seeing him for 5 years. I have a wonderful and loving husband with beautiful kids. I have a good life with amazing family. I ask myself constantly why do I continue down this path? Why do I sit on the fence and why not just leave.....This is the million dollar question.

 

Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation?

[jm2013]

I'm a MW with a single AP, seeing him for 5 years. I have a wonderful and loving husband with beautiful kids. I have a good life with amazing family. I ask myself constantly why do I continue down this path? Why do I sit on the fence and why not just leave.....This is the million dollar question.

 

Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation?

 

The answer is simple. Your husband provides the financial stability you desire with your home and your kids while your affair partner drives the sex you desire.

[purplesorrow]

You obviously have no problem using people under the guise of loving them. Why not just give your husband the same option you have? Let him find a nice little side dish so he can be just as happy.

[Clay]

Wow 5 years. I can't imagine your marriage will survive if he finds out. Its really a tragedy just how cruel people are.

 

I hope you do the decent thing and let your husband go find a woman that will love him and only him. He may not deserve much in your eyes but he does deserve that.

 

Your poor kids. I can't imagine the lifetime of hell you will put them through once they learn what you put there father through.

 

I am so thankful my kids are older and understand what kind of a person there mother is. I was so lucky to get custody of them.

 

Hopefully your H will have the same luck.

 

Clay

[Buckeye2]

The answer is simple. Your husband provides the financial stability you desire with your home and your kids while your affair partner drives the sex you desire.

 

I agree. My analogy is that your husband is like a father or brother that you sincerely love. Your OM is the bad boy from down the street that you’re secretly dating.

 

There is no way someone that you live with can compete with someone you’re dating especially if you have to deal with kids at home and the date is forbidden.

 

The following is from this article:

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201501/is-your-brain-love

 

“looking at photos of a loved one, looking at photos of strangers, looking at photos of familiar but not beloved people, looking at pornographic photos, etc.

 

After pooling this data, the research team was able to differentiate between sexual desire and long-term love. In short, they found that both stimuli activate the nucleus accumbens (the brain’s pleasure center), but only love activates the insula (the region that assigns value).”

Edited February 3, 2015 by Buckeye2

[Wondering33]

I love how people throw kids into adult situations. Yes, kids do have to deal with a divorce but when people say wait till the kids find out, cheating on a spouse has nothing to do with kids. Do you think kids enjoy divorce no matter what the reason? If a parent is good to their kids but not the spouse, the kids shouldn't hate anyone or have to pick which parent based on just cheating. That's like saying because your mom/dad didn't love me, they didn't love you either & that's just so wrong.

 

Only you know why you're doing this, wether it's selfish or not. Long term affairs are tricky because you can truly care for two people at once (regardless if you put yourself in that situation or not) & letting go of either is a painful goodbye. At some point for your own sanity, you should figure out what the reasoning is behind your actions.

 

Good luck!

[jm2013]

Wouldn't it get weird for the other man? I mean 5 years he has to have developed feelings for her as well. It must feel like she's cheating on him too when she goes back to duty sex her husband. At any rate, OP I think you should disclose this to our husband because he WILL find out. It is only a matter of time. A 5 year affair is a pretty telling story.

[MJJean]

I'm a MW with a single AP, seeing him for 5 years. I have a wonderful and loving husband with beautiful kids. I have a good life with amazing family. I ask myself constantly why do I continue down this path? Why do I sit on the fence and why not just leave.....This is the million dollar question.

 

Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation?

 

You're husband provides love and security. Your AP provides escape, fantasy, etc. You haven't stopped the A because you don't want to. Why give up a decent real life and a great fantasy when you can have both, right?

 

Of course, the reality is that if your A is ever discovered you won't be able to make a choice and there will be a whole lot of hurt and drama. As time goes on you are running an increasingly high risk that the affair will be discovered and you will lose both men.

 

Set a time frame for yourself. Give yourself X days to figure out what you really want, come up with a plan, and a firm date by which to implement it. Better to end the marriage or the affair under your terms than stand there in shock watching the world burn.

[jbrent890]

I don't see this ending well. Five years is a very long time. My guess is that you have tried to end it before. Not to mention, I don't think your single AP will let you off the hook that easily. His ego won't allow it. This only ends two ways. Either you confess, which I don't see you doing or you get caught, which is probably going to happen. I'm sorry but I just don't see you stopping this. I think the emotional withdrawal will be too much for you. Also, at that point, your husband will probably notice something is off as well. I just read online that surprisingly a lot of women get busted after they end their affairs because of the depression they show. It caused their partners to go into detective mode to find out what was causing it.

[Nawlins]

Not to sound crass, but may I ask how old are your children? If you are going to tell your BH he might take some comfort in knowing the children are his if they are older than the length of your affair.

[autumnnight]

I am sure there are lots of people walking around earth in your type of situation.

 

They ask themselves: How did it get here? What am I doing? How can I get out of this?

 

Here are the answers:

 

1. I made choices

 

2. I am betraying my spouse, my kids, and myself

 

3. Stop

[No Limit]

Feeling sorry for the kids only in this situation. And some honest pity for the husband.

[jbrent890]

Not to sound crass, but may I ask how old are your children? If you are going to tell your BH he might take some comfort in knowing the children are his if they are older than the length of your affair.

 

Let's be real, she is not going to confess this. It's hilarious actually. The rule of thumb is that if you cheat by having a ONS, then keep your mouth shut and never do it again. However, if you continuously, cheat then you should confess as a means to stop yourself. I find the exact opposite happens. More people confess to ONS than LTAs. From personal experience, a ONS is easier to deal with. A LTA is soul crushing. As much as I would like her to confess to her husband, I think she realizes that it will more than likely end her marriage.

[Trotters]

Let's be real, she is not going to confess this. It's hilarious actually. The rule of thumb is that if you cheat by having a ONS, then keep your mouth shut and never do it again. However, if you continuously, cheat then you should confess as a means to stop yourself. I find the exact opposite happens. More people confess to ONS than LTAs. From personal experience, a ONS is easier to deal with. A LTA is soul crushing. As much as I would like her to confess to her husband, I think she realizes that it will more than likely end her marriage.

And by not confessing she gets off scot free or do you think the truth comes out somehow, eventually?

[Nawlins]

Let's be real, she is not going to confess this. It's hilarious actually. The rule of thumb is that if you cheat by having a ONS, then keep your mouth shut and never do it again. However, if you continuously, cheat then you should confess as a means to stop yourself. I find the exact opposite happens. More people confess to ONS than LTAs. From personal experience, a ONS is easier to deal with. A LTA is soul crushing. As much as I would like her to confess to her husband, I think she realizes that it will more than likely end her marriage.

 

 

I don’t disagree with you, but regardless if she confesses or if he discovers, I think he’d like to have some assurance the kids are biologically his. If the children are six or under, then the knowledge of the affair length and the kids ages are going to weigh on his mind and cause an additional problem for both of them.

[DKT3]

I love how people throw kids into adult situations. Yes, kids do have to deal with a divorce but when people say wait till the kids find out, cheating on a spouse has nothing to do with kids. Do you think kids enjoy divorce no matter what the reason? If a parent is good to their kids but not the spouse, the kids shouldn't hate anyone or have to pick which parent based on just cheating. That's like saying because your mom/dad didn't love me, they didn't love you either & that's just so wrong.

 

Only you know why you're doing this, wether it's selfish or not. Long term affairs are tricky because you can truly care for two people at once (regardless if you put yourself in that situation or not) & letting go of either is a painful goodbye. At some point for your own sanity, you should figure out what the reasoning is behind your actions.

 

Good luck!

 

I'm going to take a huge leap here, and say you too are married with kids and having an affair.

 

Kids can be wreaked by affairs not only in their childhood but they are much more likely to repeat this in their adult life.

 

Make no mistake affairs are selfish there is no IF.

 

Here is the thing its not about caring for or loving two people at once, its about how do you get to the point of loving a second person when your committed to a first? That is where all the betrayal lays. Its easy to say stuff like that, it takes away your responsibilty, as if you just instantly fell in love with someone and it was out of your control.

[Spectre]

I'm a MW with a single AP, seeing him for 5 years. I have a wonderful and loving husband with beautiful kids. I have a good life with amazing family. I ask myself constantly why do I continue down this path? Why do I sit on the fence and why not just leave.....This is the million dollar question.

 

Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation?

 

The title of your thread says it all. Why? Because you are a selfish person who wants to have their cake and eat it too. You know that "good life" you just talked about? Well you flushed all that down the drain the second you cheated.

 

There is only one course of action you can take if you want to prove you have even a shred of respect or love for your husband. Or hell, it doesn't even have to be love..you can just do this to prove you don't HATE the man, and that thing is of course setting him free from you by telling him the truth. If you hate your husband then by all means continue to make a fool of him, if you hate your children then by all means continue to make a fool of their father and continue to make a mockery of your family.

[Spectre]

I love how people throw kids into adult situations. Yes, kids do have to deal with a divorce but when people say wait till the kids find out, cheating on a spouse has nothing to do with kids. Do you think kids enjoy divorce no matter what the reason? If a parent is good to their kids but not the spouse, the kids shouldn't hate anyone or have to pick which parent based on just cheating. That's like saying because your mom/dad didn't love me, they didn't love you either & that's just so wrong.

 

Only you know why you're doing this, wether it's selfish or not. Long term affairs are tricky because you can truly care for two people at once (regardless if you put yourself in that situation or not) & letting go of either is a painful goodbye. At some point for your own sanity, you should figure out what the reasoning is behind your actions.

 

Good luck!

 

It's hard to believe a rational thinking person could believe any of what you just said. Cheating has no effect on the kids? Of course it does. Here is the thing: when you cheat on your spouse you risk them finding out, you risk splitting up your family. Therefore, if someone is married with kids? The very act of cheating is not only disrespectful to the spouse, but to the kids as well. They are basically saying "I am willing to gamble with your childhood so I can have sex outside the marriage!". So nope, you don't get to say it has nothing to do with the kids. You are risking tearing the family apart with your actions.

 

Fact is cheating can cause a drastic change to a child's life. This is not about saying if someone doesn't love their spouse they do not love their kids, this is about saying if someone risks DESTROYING their family for sex with another person? Yeah, you are hurting your kids too. Unless your kids are already grown and raised by the time it happens, otherwise nope.

[jbrent890]

And by not confessing she gets off scot free or do you think the truth comes out somehow, eventually?

 

I have no clue. I would hope so though. I think everybody deserves to know the truth of their lives, and her husband is no exception. Yes, the vast majority of affairs go undiscovered, but I will say those are brief encounters. A five year affair has a good chance of coming out. You never know what text or email her husband might stumble upon.

[autumnnight]

If the WS doesn't confess or get sloppy, then unless they tell or piss of wrong people, sadly a lot probably go undiscovered.

[aliveagain]

My ex cheated on me for two years, key word is "EX" and it definitely affected her and her 3 children, two from a previous marriage that I accepted as my own and one that belonged to the other man as a result of her affair. Major change in her lifestyle, car she drives, lives in a home 1/3 the size of what she had with me, her children are now in public schools and on and on and on. A long term affair is very hard to get over, no explanation can ever be good enough. What a train wreck about to happen. My question, why are you being so self destructive? Was there some form of abuse in your past? How do you expect this to turn out?

[road]

I'm a MW with a single AP, seeing him for 5 years. I have a wonderful and loving husband with beautiful kids. I have a good life with amazing family. I ask myself constantly why do I continue down this path? Why do I sit on the fence and why not just leave.....This is the million dollar question.

 

Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation?

 

 

 

Stop lying to your BH and tell him the truth. He needs and deserves the truth.

[bubbaganoosh]

Good luck. Sooner or later a slip up happens and then you better get used to the idea from being called "Fire and Ice" to "Fire and Brimstone" cause your gonna get burned big time. Then you'll finally wake up after you torched your husband and family and by then it's too late. Just saying.

[Mrs. John Adams]

only you can answer why you are in this situation..and only you can answer of you are happy in the place you have chosen to be in.

 

I would ask...if you reversed this situation...if your husband had an AP...while you supported him...if he kept secrets from you....how would you feel?

 

I make no judgement against your choices....but you are the one who has come here to find answers ...to find encouragement...to find approval.

 

The first step is to be honest with yourself. What exactly are you looking for?

[Nawlins]

FireandIce,

Below are two posts you made in other threads.

 

"Please take this from a woman that stepped out on her H..If she can't decide at this very moment that she wants you and only you than please pick your head up and walk away from this. File for divorce and know that however painful this may be that its the best decision you can make for you and your kids right now..."

 

"It's only a matter of time before she goes back to him. She's addicted to this man, once the dust settles between you both she'll return to him and get better at covering up her tracks."

 

In one post you advised the BH to leave and file for divorce. In the other you informed the BH that his wife would return to the AP. Give your BH the same courtesy as you have advised/informed those BHs. Make a decision to leave or attempt reconciliation.

 

Either way tell your BH everything including giving him a timeline of the affair and don't TT him. Please take the same advice you are giving others here in LS, your BH and children deserve to know the truth.