My Cake.....

[thechild]

This kind of low blow says a lot more about the person writing it than the person it is written to

 

Perhaps, but I think she needs to hear it. She comes across as competing with the girl's dead mother. That is not healthy for her or the girl.

 

ETA: But, you may have a point. My communication skills have always needed practice. Let me clarify. Violet1, I am not in anyway implying that you are responsible for your stepdaughter's condition. I am not familiar with you or her. What I have gleaned from your writing, however, is that you seem to be in some kind of competition with your daughter's mother. Insisting that your bond is the same as a biological mother, insinuating that her mother caused her illness, etc. Stop that. It's not the same. It never could be. It never will be. No two relationships could ever be the same, for one. There is a special bond between biological parent and child, for two. This attitude can only harm both of you. For the sake of your relationship, don't set up comparisons like that.

Edited February 4, 2015 by thechild

[Sticky Fingers]

OP, have you considered that just maybe your husband does know about your affair but is keeping it to himself for his own reasons?

[Trotters]

OP, have you considered that just maybe your husband does know about your affair but is keeping it to himself for his own reasons?

why would you keep quiet?. I wouldn't be "able" to keep quiet & blow my top

[Sticky Fingers]

why would you keep quiet?. I wouldn't be "able" to keep quiet & blow my top

 

You'd be surprised but not all betrayed spouses come out and tell their cheating spouses that they know about the affair(s). I personally know of 5 men who discovered their wives affair(s) but kept it to themselves. 3 of them have started their own affair(s) as a way of dealing with it and the other 2 have begun a plan of action to minimize being screwed by the court system such as quitting their jobs and becoming househusbands so they can get spousal support and custody of their kids.

[violet1]

So, your stepdaughter is in the psych ward, you blame it on her dead mother, and we are all supposed to defer to your opinion on child rearing. Riiight.... And for the record, as a stepchild myself I can attest that there is and always will be a difference between step children and biological children. My stepfather took wonderful care of me and did everything that my biological father couldn't and wouldn't do due to his mental illness. He never openly displayed favoritism, but I knew. I resented it as a kid but grew to understand after having my daughter. Dad would have done anything for me, within reason. He would do absolutely anything for my brother, including the unreasonable. And it doesn't make him a bad person. Neither does it make our bond any less valuable. He's hard wired to kill for my brother, but he chose to raise me. Both bonds are special and unique.

 

(And off on a tangent here... I once had one of my younger friends who just finished a walking dead marathon ask me if I would put my daughter down in the event that she became a zombie or if I would lock her up and keep her alive. I of course answered keep her alive. That silly hypothetical really made me think about the nature of my bond with my baby. I honestly believe that I have it in me to kill for her, which is a surprise. The last time my fight or flight was triggered in a truly dangerous situation flight definitely won. Now, I think the primal instinct to protect her could drive me to choose fight instead. I, a usually middle to low aggression individual, became incredibly protective and aggressive postpartum. Another friend once joked that anyone who tried to take her from me without permission would probably lose an arm.)

 

How exactly do you define a happy marriage? Why is your happiness more important than your stepdaughter's? And why is mere happiness what you aim for, anyway? Being "happy" does not mean that your life as a whole has been meaningful. I am 99% certain that Pol Pot, Mussolini, etc were happy at some point in their lives.

 

It's not any harder to keep a marriage healthy and intact than it was 50 years ago, its just that people don't want to do the work anymore. My great grandparents have been married for over 65 years. My grandfather spent about four years occupying Germany while my grandmother raised eight kids, one of whom was very ill, and took care of her mother. There was no internet, no cell phones. They saw each other once every year or two and mailed the occasional letter. He came home from Vietnam/Korea both legally blind and legally deaf, with tremors from agent orange that got progressively worse. So, she took care of him. Whine to one of those two that you're not "happy" for silly little reasons and they'll laugh in your face and explain to you that marriage isn't meant to make you happy. Nor is it easy. It gets old doing the laundry, making the money, cooking dinner, putting up with his farts or her incessant need to keep the house spotless. But you do it anyway, because you put the well being of your spouse and kids above petty wishes disguised as "needs" of your own.

 

And all this is rather perfectly described by CS Lewis in "The Four Loves." "He [Eros] is notoriously the most mortal of our loves. The world rings with complaints of his fickleness. What is baffling is the combination of this fickleness with his protestations of permanency. To be in love is both to intend and to promise lifelong fidelity. Love makes vows unasked; can't be deterred from making them. "I will be ever true," are almost the first words he utters. Not hypocritically but sincerely. No experience will cure him of the delusion. We have all heard of people who are in love again every few years; each time sincerely convinced that "this time it's the real thing," that their wanderings are over, that they have found their true love and will themselves be true till death." If by "happy" you mean constantly in the throes of passionate, all consuming desire you are sure to be disappointed in any relationship. If you mean not having to work at it, you are going to be disappointed. And that is apparently what you failed at. Rather than putting your family first you decided that you were unhappy and abandoned your spouse rather than work on your marriage. You run the serious risk of always chasing "happiness" to both your and your loved ones' detriment.

Excuse me? I don't blame my stepdaughter's problems on her dead mother. It was her therapist that mentioned it. It was her therapist who mentioned my SD's mom. I'm not giving any parenting advice. I stated my opinion, just like you stated yours.

 

 

I hate to break your bubble, but marriage has changed over the years. Just look at the divorce rate from 30 years ago to now. I'm sure the increase in technology has played a role with that. It's easy to cheat. All a person has to do is jump online. It's so very easy to divorce. Again, jump online and start the paperwork step by step. I think in the past people would stay in unhappy marriages because divorce was not socially accepted like it is now.

[violet1]

So, your stepdaughter is in the psych ward, you blame it on her dead mother, and we are all supposed to defer to your opinion on child rearing. Riiight.... And for the record, as a stepchild myself I can attest that there is and always will be a difference between step children and biological children. My stepfather took wonderful care of me and did everything that my biological father couldn't and wouldn't do due to his mental illness. He never openly displayed favoritism, but I knew. I resented it as a kid but grew to understand after having my daughter. Dad would have done anything for me, within reason. He would do absolutely anything for my brother, including the unreasonable. And it doesn't make him a bad person. Neither does it make our bond any less valuable. He's hard wired to kill for my brother, but he chose to raise me. Both bonds are special and unique.

 

(And off on a tangent here... I once had one of my younger friends who just finished a walking dead marathon ask me if I would put my daughter down in the event that she became a zombie or if I would lock her up and keep her alive. I of course answered keep her alive. That silly hypothetical really made me think about the nature of my bond with my baby. I honestly believe that I have it in me to kill for her, which is a surprise. The last time my fight or flight was triggered in a truly dangerous situation flight definitely won. Now, I think the primal instinct to protect her could drive me to choose fight instead. I, a usually middle to low aggression individual, became incredibly protective and aggressive postpartum. Another friend once joked that anyone who tried to take her from me without permission would probably lose an arm.)

 

How exactly do you define a happy marriage? Why is your happiness more important than your stepdaughter's? And why is mere happiness what you aim for, anyway? Being "happy" does not mean that your life as a whole has been meaningful. I am 99% certain that Pol Pot, Mussolini, etc were happy at some point in their lives.

 

It's not any harder to keep a marriage healthy and intact than it was 50 years ago, its just that people don't want to do the work anymore. My great grandparents have been married for over 65 years. My grandfather spent about four years occupying Germany while my grandmother raised eight kids, one of whom was very ill, and took care of her mother. There was no internet, no cell phones. They saw each other once every year or two and mailed the occasional letter. He came home from Vietnam/Korea both legally blind and legally deaf, with tremors from agent orange that got progressively worse. So, she took care of him. Whine to one of those two that you're not "happy" for silly little reasons and they'll laugh in your face and explain to you that marriage isn't meant to make you happy. Nor is it easy. It gets old doing the laundry, making the money, cooking dinner, putting up with his farts or her incessant need to keep the house spotless. But you do it anyway, because you put the well being of your spouse and kids above petty wishes disguised as "needs" of your own.

 

And all this is rather perfectly described by CS Lewis in "The Four Loves." "He [Eros] is notoriously the most mortal of our loves. The world rings with complaints of his fickleness. What is baffling is the combination of this fickleness with his protestations of permanency. To be in love is both to intend and to promise lifelong fidelity. Love makes vows unasked; can't be deterred from making them. "I will be ever true," are almost the first words he utters. Not hypocritically but sincerely. No experience will cure him of the delusion. We have all heard of people who are in love again every few years; each time sincerely convinced that "this time it's the real thing," that their wanderings are over, that they have found their true love and will themselves be true till death." If by "happy" you mean constantly in the throes of passionate, all consuming desire you are sure to be disappointed in any relationship. If you mean not having to work at it, you are going to be disappointed. And that is apparently what you failed at. Rather than putting your family first you decided that you were unhappy and abandoned your spouse rather than work on your marriage. You run the serious risk of always chasing "happiness" to both your and your loved ones' detriment.

Excuse me? I don't blame my stepdaughter's problems on her dead mother. It was her therapist that mentioned it. It was her therapist who mentioned my SD's mom. I'm not giving any parenting advice. I stated my opinion, just like you stated yours.

 

 

I hate to break your bubble, but marriage has changed over the years. Just look at the divorce rate from 30 years ago to now. I'm sure the increase in technology has played a role with that. It's easy to cheat. All a person has to do is jump online. It's so very easy to divorce. Again, jump online and start the paperwork step by step. I think in the past people would stay in unhappy marriages because divorce was not socially accepted like it is now.

 

 

My unhappiness in my M had nothing to do with lack of passion. Believe it or not, I did try to work on it. I begged my H to do counselling, etc before I ever cheated. That's irrelevant at this point. My H and I are in R and we're doing fine. We've worked through our issues in marital counselling. I'm completely aware of what I've done and what work I need to do repair my marriage.

[harrybrown]

How do you know that you AP of 5 years does not have sex with other married women?

 

Have you been tested for stds? Why don't you tell your H that you have loved the OM for 5 years and realize that you could not love your H to have an A this long with someone else.

 

Just tell your H that you don't love him so you can be with your AP. Or tell your H that you have an open marriage, you just forgot to tell him 5 years ago

 

tell Your H to get busy and catch up. Do you think your H will mind? If he was having an A would you want to know or would you be happy for him?

 

Do you respect your H at all? Just dump your H, divorce him, let him pay for child support and tell him that he is worthless. Replace him with the AP.

 

At least your H will be able to know the truth and you will have succeeded in crushing him as a human for the rest of his life, however long that may be.

 

Good luck to your H. I do hope that this is not true and you are pulling our leg. If it is true, send your H here. He will need some support to ever feel like a man again.

[violet1]

Perhaps, but I think she needs to hear it. She comes across as competing with the girl's dead mother. That is not healthy for her or the girl.

 

ETA: But, you may have a point. My communication skills have always needed practice. Let me clarify. Violet1, I am not in anyway implying that you are responsible for your stepdaughter's condition. I am not familiar with you or her. What I have gleaned from your writing, however, is that you seem to be in some kind of competition with your daughter's mother. Insisting that your bond is the same as a biological mother, insinuating that her mother caused her illness, etc. Stop that. It's not the same. It never could be. It never will be. No two relationships could ever be the same, for one. There is a special bond between biological parent and child, for two. This attitude can only harm both of you. For the sake of your relationship, don't set up comparisons like that.

Seriously the things you are stating about my situation are ridiculous. The reason my stepdaughter is in the psychiatric ward are because of the things that happened with her mother before the death. That's a fact! I have a thread in the family section all about the situation. Please don't try to tell me what is healthy for me or my SD. My H has two kids. He found out about the SD in question when she was 4. He and I were together at the time. I met her the first day he met her. My situation is not the typical step parent situation.

[elaine567]

Almost all women who cheat never get caught by their partners.... but a fifth of men DO get found out | Daily Mail Online

 

"The research carried out by a dating website for married people found 95 per cent of women and 83 per cent of men claim to have successfully conducted illicit encounters without their spouses finding out"

[road]

Don't you dare come at me that your REAL children are more important than my STEP who I have been around since toddlers. That was offensive and I have lost all respect for you as a poster because of that comment. I guess you would consider a child who is adopted as not someone's REAL child as well???

 

 

Any trained child psychologist will tell you that's it's not wise to involve children in adult situations. My 15 year old stepdaughter is in a psych ward. Her therapist specifically said she knows too much. She said children especially teens think they want to know, but don't have the tools to process it. Her mother (who is deceased now) like you believed that my daughter or step deserves to know this or that. I don't agree that a child deserves to know, but it's your life do as you please. I just don't agree that cheating is on the family, but it's fine if you do. Yes children are effected from a divorce, but two parent homes are no longer in the norm. In MY opinion, it's more important to teach children coping tools than to dwell on what has or hasn't happened. As long as parents effectively co-parent and keep children out of the middle, a child can still have a happy and healthy life.

 

 

 

Many trained shrinks think the kids should be told. Not details but that moms and dads do not have BF/GF when they are married on go on dates with them. That is what is known as having an affair. Then so they can protect themselves the identity of the AP must be told to them.

 

 

Many kids do see the signs of an affair they sense something is not right. They may have seen enough clues to suspect an affair. They may know for sure. When things are rug swept the kids are taught that it is ok to cheat because there were no consequences.

 

 

The time is always now to tell the kids the truth. Without the truth the cycle for affairs will go unbroken into the next generation. Kids handle the truth better then lies and deception.

[Sticky Fingers]

It never ceases to amaze me how naive we adults are when it comes to teenagers powers of perception and deduction.

 

If a teenager comes to the correct conclusion that mom or dad has been cheating, more than likely there will be fall out. If the teen reacts with anger towards his cheating parent and or becomes depressed, then the fault lies squarely with that parent.

 

The cheater is not only being dishonest with his/her spouse and family, but to him/herself as well.

[sidney2718]

Excuse me? I don't blame my stepdaughter's problems on her dead mother. It was her therapist that mentioned it. It was her therapist who mentioned my SD's mom. I'm not giving any parenting advice. I stated my opinion, just like you stated yours.

 

 

I hate to break your bubble, but marriage has changed over the years. Just look at the divorce rate from 30 years ago to now. I'm sure the increase in technology has played a role with that. It's easy to cheat. All a person has to do is jump online. It's so very easy to divorce. Again, jump online and start the paperwork step by step. I think in the past people would stay in unhappy marriages because divorce was not socially accepted like it is now.

 

I can' agree. Thirty years ago was 1985. To some of us that was just yesterday. And while the divorce rate may be higher today (I'd not bet on that) the infidelity rate was about the same or higher.

 

The late '60s and early '70s were the "free love" period. Wife swapping was in, what we now call XXX movies played in major movie theaters, and sex and drugs were king. Before the "free love" period folks cheated and stayed in their marriage because divorce was stigmatized. If divorced you might be shunned. Marriages were no happier, and the number of sexless marriages was quite high.

 

And yes, I'm writing from memory. I was married in 1959 and lived through it all. Don't ask for details...

[sidney2718]

How do you know that you AP of 5 years does not have sex with other married women?

 

Hey, she doesn't even know if her husband has not had sex with other married women...

[sidney2718]

It never ceases to amaze me how naive we adults are when it comes to teenagers powers of perception and deduction.

 

If a teenager comes to the correct conclusion that mom or dad has been cheating, more than likely there will be fall out. If the teen reacts with anger towards his cheating parent and or becomes depressed, then the fault lies squarely with that parent.

 

The cheater is not only being dishonest with his/her spouse and family, but to him/herself as well.

 

I do think that children can be too young for the details. Childhood covers a long range of ages. A kid 14-19 will guess the details. Many if not most in that age range are sexually active and may have been cheated on themselves.

 

Kids from 10-13 don't need the details, but they know about divorces and the reasons for them.

 

Kids from 6 or 7 to 10 can understand separation, but the emotional dynamics of divorce are likely overwhelmed by their own feelings of abandonment.

 

Below 6 one ought to be very very careful with what they know and don't know.

 

Executive Summary: "children" is a very broad term.

[jbrent890]

This whole kid conversation is detracting from the original post.

[Sassy Girl]

Changed my mind...off topic

[gettingstronger]

Almost all women who cheat never get caught by their partners.... but a fifth of men DO get found out | Daily Mail Online

 

"The research carried out by a dating website for married people found 95 per cent of women and 83 per cent of men claim to have successfully conducted illicit encounters without their spouses finding out"

 

oops- I posted a reply to this on the wrong thread-I have to say, I laughed when I read this-of course a website such as this will have research that says using their product will not result in an adverse outcome-

[Nawlins]

I cannot find good statistical research on these so I’m just posting them to the group:

1) What are the long-term effects FireandIce can expect from her affair? I mean the effects that she will deal with internally regardless if she never stops the affair or stops it but keeps the secret? Perhaps Mrs. John Adams can chime in here since her affair was quite some time ago and she can give some perspective to what she has experienced over the years.

 

2) I’ve read that men are more likely to suspect a wife is cheating than vice-versa. Regardless what the posts about the percentages of husbands and wives that don’t get caught say, what if her husband suspects something, but cannot prove it or has not made an effort to investigate. What would change about him with regards to their relationship and could that lead to marital troubles?

 

Can any BS here share what they were thinking before the affair became known?

Can any WS share what they were thinking their BS were thinking before the affair became known.

 

I guess my thought is that FireandIce should understand that while she has maintained an affair for five years, there are effects from the affair to both her and possibly her spouse that she may or may not see.

[HurtOfGlass]

Why are people fighting on the issues in someone's thread when the person who made this thread has not given any 2nd comment since her initial post?

 

Seems to me like a troll who wanted to get people worked up. And its working.

[Arieswoman]

Nawlins, post 70#,

 

Can any BS here share what they were thinking before the affair became known?

 

Yes - I was wondering if my then husband was having some kind of a mental breakdown, or was under stress at work, as he seemed to be having a personality change.

eg ; He 'forgot' our Wedding Anniversary and when I asked why we weren't going out he said "You don't deserve to be taken out".

 

After a catalogue of nasty remarks spanning 4 months I was ready to walk out and told him so. He begged me to stay as 'he didn't want his parents upset over Christmas' (and like a fool I did).

 

I find it hard to believe that the OP's husband hasn't noticed anything is wrong - she must be a very good actress !

[elaine567]

Almost all women who cheat never get caught by their partners.... but a fifth of men DO get found out | Daily Mail Online

 

"The research carried out by a dating website for married people found 95 per cent of women and 83 per cent of men claim to have successfully conducted illicit encounters without their spouses finding out"

 

oops- I posted a reply to this on the wrong thread-I have to say, I laughed when I read this-of course a website such as this will have research that says using their product will not result in an adverse outcome-

 

LOL!

It's from the Daily Mail - I highly doubt if it was a proper scientific study.

I am sure the DM would love to encourage folk to have affairs, especially "celebrities" - more gossip for them to print.

[Sticky Fingers]

Why are people fighting on the issues in someone's thread when the person who made this thread has not given any 2nd comment since her initial post?

 

Seems to me like a troll who wanted to get people worked up. And its working.

 

Yep, throw a chunk of cheese and watch the mice scurry about to eat it.

[William]

For everyone's reference, the original post is quoted below, from this point on lets keep this thread friendly and on topic.

 

I'm a MW with a single AP, seeing him for 5 years. I have a wonderful and loving husband with beautiful kids. I have a good life with amazing family. I ask myself constantly why do I continue down this path? Why do I sit on the fence and why not just leave.....This is the million dollar question.

 

Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation?

[Cali408]

You're sitting on the fence because the logical (using your brain) side is telling you the right thing. That's your moral compass recalibrating.

 

Your (can't believe I got my contractions correct) emotional dopamine side loves the high and thrill you get from the special attention of falling in love every time you see him.

 

And I empathize with you. It's hard, really freaking hard to break away. I struggled for years, but finally have been able to break free.

 

How? You have to get to the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Where you know it's occupying way too much of your brain and time when all you need is right in front of you. You're wasting life pining for what can't, won't and shouldn't be.

 

I had been looking to get out for awhile. Finally after 9 years, I had had enough. I had the perfect out/reason (major league gaffe on her part) and played the card. When you want it to end and are ready, it's easy to get out.

 

When D-Day hits and you're being forced to, it's terrible all over. Your spouse hates you and is devastated, you, as the fool who cheated is devastated for the loss and pain you've caused.

 

What I would suggest is do a T-Bar. What you love about your AP and what you don't like. Trust me, you have them on a pedestal, but take a hard look. I'll guarantee you, if you're honest, the negatives will out-weight the positives.

[CarrieT]

I can' agree. Thirty years ago was 1985. To some of us that was just yesterday. And while the divorce rate may be higher today (I'd not bet on that) the infidelity rate was about the same or higher.

 

The late '60s and early '70s were the "free love" period. Wife swapping was in, what we now call XXX movies played in major movie theaters, and sex and drugs were king. Before the "free love" period folks cheated and stayed in their marriage because divorce was stigmatized. If divorced you might be shunned. Marriages were no happier, and the number of sexless marriages was quite high.

 

And yes, I'm writing from memory. I was married in 1959 and lived through it all. Don't ask for details...

 

You are absolutely correct. In fact, divorce rates have DECLINED since the 70s.

 

"Divorce rates increased in the 1970s and 1980s, but in the last 20 years they have dropped."

 

Read about it here.