I am so lost.

[Dream Catcher]

Hello everyone,

I am new to this forum. Anyhow sorry if this is in the wrong section, feel free to move it if it is. So here is my story:

I am 34 old woman and I have been dating my fiance for 10 years. We are living together for past 6. He is just perfect guy, the kind of guy every mother wants their son to be or their daughter to marry. And he adores me. He would do anything for me . I do love him, but I am not in love with him and it has been like that for a very long time. But I have been depressed for years, 4 years; there were a lot of reasons for it, main one being that I couldn’t find a job. I barely left the house, I would just watch TV or play video games for days, I lost most of my friends.. But my fiance was there, he never once told me to snap out of it, or told me he was sick of it. He was there and I knew that and I will forever be grateful for that. During that time I didn’t even think I wasn’t in love with him, I didn’t have any desire for sex with him or any intimacy but I just wrote all of that to depression. I honestly don’ t know how but I somehow found a job and that is where all the trouble started…I met this guy at work and I felt instant connection, we started talking more and more, going for coffee breaks that lasted for hours etc. After 6 months of this “friendship” we started having an affair. I fell so madly in love with him, it was just perfect. I suddenly felt happy, desirable, I started taking care of myself ( something I didn’t care about for a long time), I reconnect (still work in progress) with lots of my friends…I just felt alive. You know how most people feel during an affair. But guilt was way too big and I told my fiance everything. I didn’t have a plan, I just said it during one argument. His reaction shocked me, he told me it will pass. And then he said he can’t live without me, that nothing makes sense without me, that he will never find someone as great as me (the woman that just cheated on him…?) and so on. I ended my affair shortly after. I decided I can’t hurt him that much. That was 2 months ago. Since then I miserable. I can’t stop thinking about my lover, I miss him and honestly I feel like he is the only person that can make me happy. But I am afraid, I am afraid of leaving not just because I don’t want to hurt my fiance, there are so many other reasons. I am use to this life, I am afraid of everything, of new life, of moving out , finding new place or getting back to my parents, of being alone. Mostly I am use to this way of life, its safe it’s secure, comfortable. I am also not so sure in myself after that depression, I am never sure in anything. I am not sure if I am going to make a huge mistake by leaving this wonderful man, a perfect guy.

But I can’t stop thinking about my now ex-lover, about our talks, about the way he makes me feel, I just miss him so much. I feel like I am going to my depression again, I just go to work and sit in front of pc for the last two months. It’s the same as it was….

Also I changed jobs since so I am not seeing my lover at all. My fiance never wanted to talk about my affair since the time I told him. He never wants to talk about problems and if I bring them up he just shuts down and looks at me with such sad eyes that I can’t bring myself to start this topic.

I really don’t know what is my question…I guess will this pass, how can I help myself and can this relationship be saved?

Thank you all for reading this…I tried to keep it as short as can be…but there is so much…I guess I should see therapist…

[angel.eyes]

I think your boyfriend's unwillingness to discuss what happened and his preference to sweep everything under the rug and pretend it never happened is detrimental to any attempts to salvage the relationship. A couple's counselor might be able to help you two address the situation. The elephant will sit in the room until he does.

 

Ultimately, you can't stay with someone out of guilt and obligation. And that's where you are right now--in part because of your affair and illness, and in part because of the rug sweeping. Neither of you will be happy if you don't resolve your underlying issues as a couple, and communication is critical to that effort.

 

That being said, given that he stuck with you through your lowest lows when no one else did, he deserves your very best effort to try and get beyond the affair before you call it quits. It's a difficult situation.

[WhiteWingedDove]

Well.. NO ONE can 'make' you happy. But yes it is easier to be happy around one person over another.. but what do you *really* know with this new love, vs. the man you live with? Not much... not much at all, really. You haven't lived with him, you don't 'know' if you could be happy with the new guy. Be Careful. The infatuation stage IS real, if you see what I mean.. you can't really hold a lot of stock is what someone appears to be in the beginning.

 

That's just #1. #2, you really have to *pick one* of these men and commit to the choice. And I'd think long and hard about leaving the man who adores you.... those don't come around every day. There was something that once drew you to him, what was it?

 

Of course, ultimately, (IMHO) you have to be with someone you can really talk to, but have you really tried to talk to your long term bf? Maybe he takes a bit more 'work' to draw out, but can you tell him you *need* connection, you need to talk, and try? I mean, if he's really the sort to 'do anything' for you, you think he'd be willing to try to understand what you need.

[StalwartMind]

With depression it's difficult to say if you'll be happy (forever) with your "lover", or if things will arise again. It depends on you but as you also know a lot of people get attracted by the "grass is always greener on the other side". As mentioned, the infatuation stage can hook you but also cloud your vision. This may or may not be the case, you likely have some feeling that push you in either direction if you actually think about it.

 

As perfect as your boyfriend may be for the most part, I'll have to echo as well that if some part is unwilling to communicate about a certain/any topic, then that is not good. You are clearly not happy, and regardless of how great a guy he is, I can't recommend any person to spend their life being unhappy.

 

None of us are perfect, although some can get pretty damn close, but ask yourself this, shouldn't you once in the far distant future, be able reflect back on your life and feel like it has been a fantastic journey completely worth living. I'd like to think that is what most people desire, that they've lived a meaningful life.

 

As much as the guilt may plague you, ultimately the truth is that sometimes certain people just don't really belong together, no matter how great a catch one might have to let go. This of course would seem illogical to most if you just look at the issue on the surface, but most will recognize that happiness is not something worth faking.

 

Since I can't in good conscience tell anyone to start an affair or continue one, as I feel it's disrespectful and immature to one's partner, what has happened has happened, and you should likely do some significant searching inwards to find out where your biggest pull is in life and follow your heart.