Have I screwed up so bad I've lost her?

[RafaelScheidt]

i registered here because i don't really have any friends in the know of these things. I really do need advice.

 

Basically me and my ex broke up 2 months ago. We were together two years and were in our early 20s. Within the first few weeks of our dating, we both suffered from bad bouts of depression. She lost a parent and I had a bad breakup. Mine faded into the insignificance in comparison obviously. Her sadness and depression continued and I believe it got worse over the two years. She'd constantly lose her temper and lash out on things that me and others over unrelated issues, it was clear she was hurting, deeply depressed. She knew this and would own up to this from time to time. I loved her because she was beautiful and caring and we would have fun and grew closer than I've ever been with anyone, no problem in saying she was my best friend.

 

In the last six months of the relationship, she was taking worse turns, I encouraged her to go to counselling but it never lasted for more than one or two sessions. The treatment of me went to the point of me giving her plenty of ultimatums in which I'd say go to counselling or I'd leave. I also felt in the last two months she was going off me a bit. As a depression sufferer, I felt myself being brought down with the negativity, I got very angry with her at times, I was trying to cruel to be kind approach and in retrospect, I was too harsh. She'd promise to go to counselling or I'd buckle after a few days and take her back. This happened two months ago and I left. Didn't talk to her for 5 days with the intention of finishing it. Started talking to her, still quite cold but considering getting back together.

 

All of a sudden, within a few days, she started to get quite angry with me, as I came around to wanting her back, she pulled away. I went into my begging stage, something I'm obviously ashamed of but I was losing the woman i love and care about more than anything. She was my life for two years, I got a well paid job to buy her things and bring her places, neglected friends and family to see her etc. she's all I thought about and cared about me. She's the only person who got me.

 

This continued through Christmas, I used to usual pathetic tactics "I'm moving away", "I'm thinking of going on a date, do you not want me to?" etc. all of which got a bad reaction. She said to me a number of times to "never contact her again". I got paranoid that maybe she was seeing someone new., I asked her about a guy she added on FB, she denied anything happening I did something really stupid. The day after Christmas I logged onto her facebook. Saw messages from this guy talking about having sex in future and messages to a new friend of hers about this guy in her college course that she was texting and sexting til 6.30am in the morning and that she really liked him. The language she used with this new friend was what I can only describe as bimbo language, something she'd usually mock. The thing is, she was texting this guy six days after we broke up, six ****ing days!!

 

I was already inconsolable and low with depression, this broke me down. I found these messages late at night after Christmas, stayed in bed all night crying and having panic attacks. I went to the hospital in the morning, I had never experienced anything like this, worried I could commit suicide, while I hadn't the intention, I felt my mental state was unstable and anything could knock me far enough. I was seen in the hospital and I texted her that it was an emergency, she rang me when she woke up and I told her what I found out and how I found out. She exploded with anger about going on her facebook. I shouldn't have obviously. I thought she'd be more considerate and worried about me but n. We had a 20minute conversation, most of which I was in tears and asking her what I had done and that I feel like I don't know her anymore. I deleted her on all social media with the intention of never talking to her again.

 

I was told again to not contact her, I didn't for awhile. I sought the advice of friends and met a few and was looked after. I texted her New Years eve just after 12 wishing her a happy new year, she responded with the same, asking me how I was. I said I was ok but I was on antidepressants (this is true and it's the first time I've ever been on them) and that I decided to write her a letter and she'd receive it in a few days, she wouldn't let me leave it at that and really wanted to know. I sent it on friends advice and wrote it basically admitting a lot of the faults I realised. She said she'd contact me once she got the letter. She showed that she still cared in a strong way. She then went onto asking me about this girl I had recently became friends with. She accused me of kissing her at midnight and telling her I had sex with this girl and rubbing it in her face, I never did. I asked her why she cared as she has a new guy. I explained to her I never even had sex since the breakup. To which she said "don't contact me again".

 

I texted her a few days later asking did she get the letter, no response. A few more days, no response. Got kinda worried. Didn't text her for a week, again got no response. I've now waited a month, after being on anti-depressants but still miss her terribly. I left it a month after reading about the no-contact rule and maybe I could try it. I still missed her terribly and decided tonight to contact her and she's going back to college soon and Im worried about what would happen if she's spend time with this guy on her course she was texting. While I realise no-contact isn't about that but I was fully prepared to just be courteous and friendly and hopefully get back on good terms and then see. No response, I'm utterly devastated and I know there will be plenty of people telling me to move on, I'm not going to contact her again, but I want to know firstly, is there anything I can do? And is all lost?

 

I know I've done so much that 's wrong, I know I'm going to get criticised for contacting her, but during our minor breakups she might say that and text me an hour later and I'm willing to do the right things, I tried no contact as it was in both our interests but my self-esteem is the crapper here and im truly lost. Advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

 

I know I can move on but I want to know, is all lost?

[marcelo.santos]

Hi Rafael!

 

Very sorry about your situation. I know that it is hard to you now.

 

Its impossible to be sure, but probably its all done - even she try again and you both try, this girl has a lot of issues and all these issues will continue all over again - so the best could happen for you now is this girl do not decide to contact you again.

 

Depression is something very hard to deal with - it worst for this kind of case that the person do not want to search for a cure.

 

My advice is to go Super NC: Block everything! - I know that this is hurting you now, but you will learn that the time cure anything.

 

You have learned some lessons: Never put pressure to someone do something you want (look for a counseling); never login in someones Facebook account like you did (no, you do not need this) - if you login, never let the person know you did it.

 

You did some mistakes, but its ok as this will force you to stay away from this problematic girl (she breaks a serious relationship and is ready for sex just 6 days after it?) - this girl has some serious issues.

 

I'm sure that you will heal and find a better girl in 2015: You will look back and learn that this is the best thing happened to you.

 

Good luck!

[JustDeadInside]

Rafael, I am so sorry about your situation. I understand your devastation as I am feeling much the same way. I am not one to ever really say all is lost as I have had various things that I had concluded were lost wind up coming to me. I am going to be honest with you though - in my opinion I think there are certain things that go on during a relationship or breakup that are harder to undo than others... For example, having the police called on you, or a restraining order put on you, physically destroying someone's property...unfortunately things that are suicide-related, or hacking (sort of) into someone's account are up there on the list

 

I think the best course of action is to just stay quiet and try to seek as much solace as possible in your life or by coming here. If nothing else, at least know that I for one can't condemn the behaviors of someone so desperately in love. I know how it is. And I think it's a terrible, rotten insult to you to be thinking of boffing some guy not even a week after your relationship ended. This behavior is a red flag and hopefully will help you think hard about all of this...if she came back, could you ever trust her again?

[RafaelScheidt]

Hi Rafael!

 

Very sorry about your situation. I know that it is hard to you now.

 

Its impossible to be sure, but probably its all done - even she try again and you both try, this girl has a lot of issues and all these issues will continue all over again - so the best could happen for you now is this girl do not decide to contact you again.

 

Depression is something very hard to deal with - it worst for this kind of case that the person do not want to search for a cure.

 

My advice is to go Super NC: Block everything! - I know that this is hurting you now, but you will learn that the time cure anything.

 

You have learned some lessons: Never put pressure to someone do something you want (look for a counseling); never login in someones Facebook account like you did (no, you do not need this) - if you login, never let the person know you did it.

 

You did some mistakes, but its ok as this will force you to stay away from this problematic girl (she breaks a serious relationship and is ready for sex just 6 days after it?) - this girl has some serious issues.

 

I'm sure that you will heal and find a better girl in 2015: You will look back and learn that this is the best thing happened to you.

 

Good luck!

 

 

Hi Rafael, thanks for your response. The toughest thing right now is not being able to understand why she hasn't responded or talked to me in over a month. It's heartwrenching.

 

For all her issues, she is an amazing person and we've had some lovely memories, I truly loved her and she did me. I'd never turn my back on her due to her depression, not truly.

 

She stood by me through some tough times, I couldn't abandon her. There's been times I've taken care of her because that's what you do when you love someone, it's your duty.

 

Her issues would never be good reasoning for me to want to move on. I still love her deeply and depression has made her make some very bad mistakes. I'm truly worried about her but equally, I want her back.

 

Moving on isn't not really an option I forsee.

 

I don't know if she'll ever talk to me again or come around to realise how good I was to her (which I genuinely was). I wish she'd just talk to me and that's all I can and want to focus on, if anyone has advice that doesn't border on stalking, it'd be appreciated

[RafaelScheidt]

Rafael, I am so sorry about your situation. I understand your devastation as I am feeling much the same way. I am not one to ever really say all is lost as I have had various things that I had concluded were lost wind up coming to me. I am going to be honest with you though - in my opinion I think there are certain things that go on during a relationship or breakup that are harder to undo than others... For example, having the police called on you, or a restraining order put on you, physically destroying someone's property...unfortunately things that are suicide-related, or hacking (sort of) into someone's account are up there on the list

 

I think the best course of action is to just stay quiet and try to seek as much solace as possible in your life or by coming here. If nothing else, at least know that I for one can't condemn the behaviors of someone so desperately in love. I know how it is. And I think it's a terrible, rotten insult to you to be thinking of boffing some guy not even a week after your relationship ended. This behavior is a red flag and hopefully will help you think hard about all of this...if she came back, could you ever trust her again?

 

Thanks for your understanding JDI. Really appreciate it.

 

Thing is, I don't know if anything happened between them. In the chat, he mockingly said "**** you" to which she responded "you should" and she said she was sexting him to her friend.

 

I don't know if anything still happens, seem some things on her social media (not by logging on hers) to say they are and some to say they aren't. My impression is she was looking for a rebound but I worry she'll return to college and something will happen.

 

Regarding trust, I fully trusted her during the relationship, never questioned anything. Don't believe she ever cheated. If we decided to give things another go, I've a lot of hurt that needs to heal and it would be a process but I belie I could if we were committed as I never had reason to doubt when we were.

[JustDeadInside]

Thanks for your understanding JDI. Really appreciate it.

 

Thing is, I don't know if anything happened between them. In the chat, he mockingly said "**** you" to which she responded "you should" and she said she was sexting him to her friend.

 

I don't know if anything still happens, seem some things on her social media (not by logging on hers) to say they are and some to say they aren't. My impression is she was looking for a rebound but I worry she'll return to college and something will happen.

 

Regarding trust, I fully trusted her during the relationship, never questioned anything. Don't believe she ever cheated. If we decided to give things another go, I've a lot of hurt that needs to heal and it would be a process but I belie I could if we were committed as I never had reason to doubt when we were.

 

I understand your fears. And I know how it feels to desperately want to keep something from happening. I fear my ex is looking for a rebound and frankly I want to die. I wish I had better advice on what to do but the horrible thing is we can't make people do things, I can't make my ex even consider giving me another chance, just as you've been unsuccessful in getting your ex to respond to you. All we can definitely do is take this one day at a time and support each other.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. She is showing you that she wants to move on and seemingly was serious when she said not to contact her.

 

I know it's extremely painful. But you are not in a place to be in a healthy relationship at the moment, and particularly not with her. It didn't work. Focus on your healing and you will in time move past this and find someone who appreciates you.

[RafaelScheidt]

OP, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. She is showing you that she wants to move on and seemingly was serious when she said not to contact her.

 

I know it's extremely painful. But you are not in a place to be in a healthy relationship at the moment, and particularly not with her. It didn't work. Focus on your healing and you will in time move past this and find someone who appreciates you.

 

Thanks for your response, logically youre probably right but unfortunately, we don't react well to logic at this stage.

 

My mind is so focused on her, the beautiful girl I loved and loved me and told me all these things doesn't want to hear from me. How can that happen in two months when we had two good years together? It doesn't make sense to me and I can't bring myself to focus on other women because no-one can compare, how can I meet someone or even want to give someone a chance when they have little chance of comparing?

 

She won't talk to me but maybe she will. I don't know what I've done to deserve it but I hope she might tell me and we can talk about it. I won't contact her again but I can't decide if all is lost or not...

[gnick]

I can tell you there's nothing worse than when the person you most want to talk to in the world refuses all contact. I'm going through that now. I also know from experience that anything you do to try to communicate with her will make it worse. Ask me how I know this. You have to stop contact. Every time you try you will set yourself back and push her further away. I bet if you leave her alone she will call you eventually. Mine never will. Also Google oneitus and do some reading

[RafaelScheidt]

I can tell you there's nothing worse than when the person you most want to talk to in the world refuses all contact. I'm going through that now. I also know from experience that anything you do to try to communicate with her will make it worse. Ask me how I know this. You have to stop contact. Every time you try you will set yourself back and push her further away. I bet if you leave her alone she will call you eventually. Mine never will. Also Google oneitus and do some reading

 

Thanks gnick, read a bit, sounds about right. I hope I can't be blamed for having this for a long term girlfriend who reciprocated those feelings for a long time.

 

You really think she'll call me? I hope you're right. I've been told this and been told she'll come around and it's getting increasingly worrying that she hasn't yet and it's been two months. The longer this goes on, the less chance I have I believe.

 

I also worry she'll enter into a new relationship, she was only two months out of a LTR when she met me. It's also pretty apparent that I was her emotional crutch. I worry that maybe she'll latch onto a new guy to make up for that rather than me who was harsh on her in regards to getting help.

[sober and dry]

I'm sorry for saying this mate but, old patterns will must probably repeat themselves...

Please stop wishing and worrying about it. You will be stuck to that pain as longer as you keep wishing that to happen...

[RafaelScheidt]

I'm sorry for saying this mate but, old patterns will must probably repeat themselves...

Please stop wishing and worrying about it. You will be stuck to that pain as longer as you keep wishing that to happen...

 

Maybe but I have to consider that a lot of the negatives in our relationship were sourced in depression. We had times when we were happy and would let our respective guards down. We wouldn't have stayed so long together if that weren't the case and people can recover from depression. She looked out for me in tough times when she could have given up.

 

Regarding forgetting about it, much easier said than done. I can definitely agree to having oneitis but I have no interest in other women and in love with her. Thanks for your reply anyways.

[sober and dry]

By old patterns I was talking about:

I also worry she'll enter into a new relationship, she was only two months out of a LTR when she met me. It's also pretty apparent that I was her emotional crutch.

So probably she will enter into a new relationship fast and maybe sooner than what you are hoping just like she did with you and the new guy will be her emotional crutch again.

 

Regarding the forgetting, of course it much easier said than done, I'm going trough it too! But trust me when I say, if you don't start by your own willing to take some proactive choices to forget, you will never get there.

Edited February 5, 2015 by sober and dry

[Nolan 93]

Hey man I feel the pain, it's almost 3 months of post break up. I did nothing wrong to my ex, she was confused on what she wanted and went back to her ex. After 11 months so the pain is real, but this is what she wanted. She talked to me even after the break up, and I know she still has feelings for me, but her ex is stronger. I made the mistake of trying to beg and tried taking about it....never again I learned from that this was her choice and I should let her do what she wants.

 

Keep that NC I broke mine right around the jan 4th, and I wrote her a letter just to move on and get all the tension off my chest. She writes me back at 1am a longer essay of mine saying all good things about me, and how sorry she is for hurting me the way she did. Words mean nothing when you see the actions. But any way there has been no communication between us now and the pain is going away. But I miss her everyday and think she's the most stoopidest person in the world for going back to someone who hurt her.

 

But it's her choice let her go through it again. But SOBER AND DRY. Is right there's a pattern. I know my ex has one, and I can see it she got with her ex #1 left him for the guy she liked when he came back to town, then they broke up and came back with the ex #1. He left her to find himself then me and her dated for almost a year and she left me fot ex #1. So my ex has a pattern she is only 18 and is young so I don't for see her being with ex #1 forever. She dated me and I raised the bar really high so it's only a matter of time before she goes looking for something better. I want her back, but I can't take her back. She hurt me after I helped mend her broken heart, gave her a better relationship experience than any ex, trust is gone.

 

NC is helping me heal, I know She's in the honeymoon phase with her ex, and I'm just working out again trying to lose weight and tone up. I'm lonely yes and I miss her but what's the point of chasing her when this is what she wanted in the end, even after everything. So each day gets better and better only if you make it better.

[RafaelScheidt]

By old patterns I was talking about:

So probably she will enter into a new relationship fast and maybe sooner than what you are hoping just like she did with you and the new guy will be her emotional crutch again.

 

Regarding the forgetting, of course it much easier said than done, I'm going trough it too! But trust me when I say, if you don't start by your own willing to take some proactive choices to forget, you will never get there.

 

I believe I had made some proactive choices, I did go on anti-depressants to feel better, I stopped contact for a month, I have gone on dates but still I'm caught in this rut.

 

I still love her, I still only want her. I'm still only concerned about wanting to talk to her as opposed to moving on. I don't want to spend years and years looking for someone who comes in anyway close to her (I have very high standards on personality and rarely enter into relationships).

 

I'm stuck here, I had bad dreams last night thinking about talking to her again and her rejecting me. She's moving back to my town next week for college and I am worried I might bump into her (possibly with this guy in her course), which would be like a knife in my heart. I just want her to talk to me but I really don't know if she ever will, it's getting more heartbreaking as it goes on.

[sober and dry]

As you said, you did made some proactive choices, but it seems that you need to make some more.

 

First of all you shouldn't be concerned about talking to her, instead you should be concerned about letting her go out of your head and heart.

 

Why do you still want her if she clearly doesn't want you? If you have very high standards doesn't this fact put her under those standards?

 

That's why you are stuck in there. If you were moving on you wouldn't be afraid of her possible rejection and you would be much better prepared to bump into her with or without this guy.

 

Try to stop wanting to talk to her if you are not prepared and not somewhat healed.

It's getting more heartbreaking because of this all and it shouldn't be!

 

It seems that you are still in some kind of denial. Try to face the facts.

[RafaelScheidt]

Im going for a promotion in work over the next few weeks but thinking of withdrawing my application as I can't cope with the process which is tough and mentally arduous. I wish she knew or cared about what this was doing

[RafaelScheidt]

As you said, you did made some proactive choices, but it seems that you need to make some more.

 

First of all you shouldn't be concerned about talking to her, instead you should be concerned about letting her go out of your head and heart.

 

Why do you still want her if she clearly doesn't want you? If you have very high standards doesn't this fact put her under those standards?

 

That's why you are stuck in there. If you were moving on you wouldn't be afraid of her possible rejection and you would be much better prepared to bump into her with or without this guy.

 

Try to stop wanting to talk to her if you are not prepared and not somewhat healed.

It's getting more heartbreaking because of this all and it shouldn't be!

 

It seems that you are still in some kind of denial. Try to face the facts.

 

What kind of proactive choices though? I've tried most I can.

 

Yes I am focused on this but I can't understand how someone that loved me all of a sudden doesn't want me anymore. It's not right and doesn't make sense.

 

Any possible answer could kill my self-esteem. I give her allowances due to her mental state and know how volatile her emotions can be. It's not her fault, it's the depression which I know too well about

[JustDeadInside]

Im going for a promotion in work over the next few weeks but thinking of withdrawing my application as I can't cope with the process which is tough and mentally arduous. I wish she knew or cared about what this was doing

 

I totally get this. My situation has screwed up important personal goals I had. Because I wasn't at work yesterday I missed a meeting where I would have definitely interacted with someone important - the type of opportunity I drooled over not too long ago. Also since things have gone this way, I have abandoned studying for an exam to get into graduate school. Now I am months behind.

[RafaelScheidt]

Has anyone been in this situation and reconciled with their ex? What steps do you recommend taking?

[sober and dry]

What kind of proactive choices though? I've tried most I can.

 

Yes I am focused on this but I can't understand how someone that loved me all of a sudden doesn't want me anymore. It's not right and doesn't make sense.

 

Any possible answer could kill my self-esteem. I give her allowances due to her mental state and know how volatile her emotions can be. It's not her fault, it's the depression which I know too well about

I stated some of them in that post...

 

Has anyone been in this situation and reconciled with their ex? What steps do you recommend taking?

Again Rafael, first step to get her back or not is to heal!

[RafaelScheidt]

I stated some of them in that post...

 

 

Again Rafael, first step to get her back or not is to heal!

 

Maybe it is, but NC, as much as any other step feels like I might lose her. If I take this time to heal, she will have moved on and lose interest/made me a distant memory. If that happens, I'm screwed...

[sober and dry]

So I will repeat myself.

... Rafael, first step to get her back or not is to heal!

So to heal, you NEED to do NC and all the other things. That's as linear as it sounds.

[RafaelScheidt]

So I will repeat myself.

 

So to heal, you NEED to do NC and all the other things. That's as linear as it sounds.

 

It doesn't feel like I've the time to heal when the risk of losing her for good in the near future is so imminent

[ExpatInItaly]

It doesn't feel like I've the time to heal when the risk of losing her for good in the near future is so imminent

 

This is where you're really shooting yourself in the foot. She is already gone, and has been for a little while. You're just not allowing yourself to see it yet, which is normal because it's so painful. You won't be able to start recovering until you start to look at your life in a different way, so for your own sake, stop telling yourself you're going to lose her forever. She made a choice to walk away and her lack of a response over the last while indicates she's standing by that choice for the time being. You need to give yourself time.