Time to let go

[Spectre]

I actually feel safer believe it or not. This is now out and on the table boundaries are laid out and we both know what would happen if this happened again. We started very young together and didn't communicate well. We do now and things are different. I understand you have a hard line for once a cheater always a cheater, I don't. I don't feel unsafe, this thread was about me still focussing on someone who is not in my life anymore.

 

This is all fine and dandy for you. My only problem would be with the "boundaries are now laid out" thing. The boundaries were already laid out though, that happened when you guys got married.

 

Look, I don't know you, I just can't help but feel maybe you are somewhat in denial. Especially with you feeling "safer". I mean, not cheating once married is common sense I feel. The act of getting married cements that, and thinking cheating is okay after you get married is a thing that needs to be discussed. You shouldn't have to lay out boundaries that should of just been fundamental.

 

I wish you the best and hopefully you can get this OW out of your mind, but I think you still need to stop and think about the problems in your line of thinking. Mostly..that the "boundaries now being out" would somehow prevent cheating, when the guy kinda already had to of known cheating was off the table. Unless shortly after you got married you had an actual discussion about how cheating was okay. Did..did you?

Edited March 6, 2015 by Spectre

[Rainbowlove]

Just posting to share that I feel a chapter closing. We are moving in the morning. Moving in to a beautiful home that we picked together and that our girls love. I loved my current home but since the A, all of the pain, sorrow, fights etc. it has become somewhat tainted for me. So I am sad and relieved all at the same time. Moving forward and moving on to a fresh start. Anyone else have an experience like this? I can literally feel a weight coming off of my shoulders that I didn't even realize was there.

 

My wife and I talk about this all the time. I think this is a positive step in the right direction.

 

A full move isn't possible for us right now, but we redid our bedroom.

 

As much as we love our house, I do think buying a new one and getting a fresh start in that regards would be a warm welcome.

 

It's exciting and something you can work on together to build. It can be a very bonding, healing experience.

 

I wish you the best. Keep moving forward.

[Red123]

This is all fine and dandy for you. My only problem would be with the "boundaries are now laid out" thing. The boundaries were already laid out though, that happened when you guys got married.

 

Look, I don't know you, I just can't help but feel maybe you are somewhat in denial. Especially with you feeling "safer". I mean, not cheating once married is common sense I feel. The act of getting married cements that, and thinking cheating is okay after you get married is a thing that needs to be discussed. You shouldn't have to lay out boundaries that should of just been fundamental.

 

I wish you the best and hopefully you can get this OW out of your mind, but I think you still need to stop and think about the problems in your line of thinking. Mostly..that the "boundaries now being out" would somehow prevent cheating, when the guy kinda already had to of known cheating was off the table. Unless shortly after you got married you had an actual discussion about how cheating was okay. Did..did you?

 

Obviously we did not have the conversation. I don't mean boundaries for whether cheating is ok or not, I mean boundaries in our relationship overall. We didn't set these at the beginning and kind of plowed through life winging it. I get your hard line on cheating, but you don't know the whole story and there's a lot more to it than just cheating. I am no where near denial believe me. He has shown me his remorse and has worked for this chance, I would have given up after a few months of what he has done to show me this. You appear to make a lot of blanket judgment about affairs and what you would or wouldn't do, I am curious, are you married or in a long term relationship? Have you ever had to make a choice to forgive someone you have been with for over half of your life? I said what I would do before it happened, you would be surprised at the decisions you might make if you walked in those shoes

[Red123]

My wife and I talk about this all the time. I think this is a positive step in the right direction.

 

A full move isn't possible for us right now, but we redid our bedroom.

 

As much as we love our house, I do think buying a new one and getting a fresh start in that regards would be a warm welcome.

 

It's exciting and something you can work on together to build. It can be a very bonding, healing experience.

 

I wish you the best. Keep moving forward.

 

Thank you,I wish you both well too!

[WhiteOrchid]

Red, congratulations on your new home and your new beginning.

 

This thread resonates with me because I too had a hard time not obsessing over the OW, while my H clearly had moved on (and like in your situation didn't care about her in the first place).

 

I finally got to the point where I realized I was the one that was still letting her interfere in our lives. And I realized I had to focus on the present, and not the past. When I would get the urge to check her public social media accounts, or wallow in bad thoughts, I would tell myself I wasn't going to waste any of my day and time on this person anymore. She isn't worth it.

 

Obviously we did not have the conversation. I don't mean boundaries for whether cheating is ok or not, I mean boundaries in our relationship overall. We didn't set these at the beginning and kind of plowed through life winging it. I get your hard line on cheating, but you don't know the whole story and there's a lot more to it than just cheating. I am no where near denial believe me. He has shown me his remorse and has worked for this chance, I would have given up after a few months of what he has done to show me this. You appear to make a lot of blanket judgment about affairs and what you would or wouldn't do, I am curious, are you married or in a long term relationship? Have you ever had to make a choice to forgive someone you have been with for over half of your life? I said what I would do before it happened, you would be surprised at the decisions you might make if you walked in those shoes

 

I could have written this myself. I'm almost two years into successful R. My H has completely changed and proven himself time and time again. Our marriage now is completely different. We are happier than we ever have been, fully committed to making our marriage the number one priority.

 

My H and I had poor boundaries from the beginning as well (young and in love, but very naive). No one thinks when they get married they will ever have to deal with infidelity. Poor boundaries (along with other marital problems that aren't dealt with properly) can lead people down a path they otherwise wouldn't go. Hindsight being 20/20, there is so much we would have done differently from the beginning.

 

Ironically, I too used to say infidelity was a dealbreaker. I would look down on people who forgave a cheating spouse, thinking they were nuts. I firmly believed I would NEVER forgive a cheater. But you truly never know what you will do until it happens to you. It's so black and white from the outside looking in. Painful lesson to learn.

[Red123]

Red, congratulations on your new home and your new beginning.

 

This thread resonates with me because I too had a hard time not obsessing over the OW, while my H clearly had moved on (and like in your situation didn't care about her in the first place).

 

I finally got to the point where I realized I was the one that was still letting her interfere in our lives. And I realized I had to focus on the present, and not the past. When I would get the urge to check her public social media accounts, or wallow in bad thoughts, I would tell myself I wasn't going to waste any of my day and time on this person anymore. She isn't worth it.

 

 

 

I could have written this myself. I'm almost two years into successful R. My H has completely changed and proven himself time and time again. Our marriage now is completely different. We are happier than we ever have been, fully committed to making our marriage the number one priority.

 

My H and I had poor boundaries from the beginning as well (young and in love, but very naive). No one thinks when they get married they will ever have to deal with infidelity. Poor boundaries (along with other marital problems that aren't dealt with properly) can lead people down a path they otherwise wouldn't go. Hindsight being 20/20, there is so much we would have done differently from the beginning.

 

Ironically, I too used to say infidelity was a dealbreaker. I would look down on people who forgave a cheating spouse, thinking they were nuts. I firmly believed I would NEVER forgive a cheater. But you truly never know what you will do until it happens to you. It's so black and white from the outside looking in. Painful lesson to learn.

 

Very painful way to learn indeed. Thank you for your reply. I think it's hard for people to understand that some couples who are young don't know to lay out boundaries and as you said no one ever thinks they will be dealing with something like this. I also think that when it comes to infidelity people also struggle to believe the WS can change or that it was a one time thing. Reading your response helped. Thank you, I wish you continued success in your R.