Divorcing a serial cheater

[Thatsunpossible]

Hi, I'm new here.

 

My story, in brief:

 

2010. I discover that my wife of five years had been having an affair. She says she is sorry, feels horrible and wants to pursue marriage counseling. I agree to do so.

 

2011. I discover after 8 months of marriage counseling that she never stopped with the person she had been having the affair with. I think I'm going to leave, but in a weak moment, I have sex with her. She gets pregnant (and yes I suspect it was on purpose to keep me in the marriage). I agree to stay and try to work it out.

 

2012. In January our daughter is born. In November my wife is diagnosed with stage IIIa breast cancer.

 

2013. We spend the year fighting her cancer. My wife has chemo followed by major surgery, followed by more chemo followed by radiation. By Thanksgiving her treatment is more or less finished. However, unbeknownst to me, she also has an opiate habit. She had gotten a prescription for oxys while undergoing radiation. She was a recovering addict with 12 years clean and decides that after everything she had gone through, she had the right to get high.

 

2014. On New Year's Day, I find out about the oxys. She tells me that when her prescription ran out, she looked up an old boyfriend/using partner, who got her more oxys. I am understandably upset. She says nothing happened between them, I predict that it will, she denies it. By March at the latest, she was having an affair with him, which I found out about in May. She says she doesn't want to be married, that I didn't take good care of her, that I didn't love her etc.

In late July she says that she is showing symptoms of a possible cancer recurrence. I try to be as supportive as I can. She goes not to her boyfriend whom she claimed took better care of her than me, not to her siblings, not to her mom, but me, the person she insisted didn't care about her and didn't take good enough care of her the first time she had cancer. I agree to accompany her to the hospital where she is very apologetic. The tests come back negative, and suddenly she wants to work it out again. I agree to explore the idea, but it lasts for only a couple of weeks as she is already up to her old tricks again, contacting the old boyfriend, not being transparent as she agreed to in therapy. I finally say enough is enough.

Now she wants to be friends. I cannot stand this woman. The woman I married is long gone. We haven't even had a court date yet, so I can't get her out of the house. She was here through two major snowstorms in the past week or so, sleeping in the bed. She is all friendly with me. I have asked for space and been told rudely "I have just as much right to be here as you", which is true. I won't be rude to her in front of the kids, but this forces me to be much nicer than I would like to her. I cannot wait for this to move forward!!!

I am sorry this was such a long rant. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

[Yasuandio]

Your eyes are open. Your brain is functioning logically above your heart. You are at acceptance, the hardest stage, it appears. Even better, you seem to have completely detached as well, and want her out. You have come almost to the end of the tunnel.

 

The only problem is she is camped out at your doorstep and (for now) is clinging.

 

My prediction is that history will soon repeat itself. She is an addict. Doesn't sound like she went to rehap. Furthermore, your statements indicate she has a sense of an "entitled addict," which is probably far worse than a regular addict. I guess that means if she runs out of dope, she can just lie to another doctor, OR seek drugs illigally (even if it means being the sqeeze of the drug provider).

 

Well, something is for sure wrong with that picture, and such conduct will assist you in getting her out of the home if you play your cards right.

 

She is not going to stop. Think of the potential hazzards that reach beyond HER. What about you? What about if she got busted? What about if a dealer showed up at your house, asking for money?

 

Yeah, those thing can happen. That kind of drug is the type you build a tolerance to, and need more and more. Perhaps she might try meth if she runs out, then what? You never know what drug addicts are going to do.

 

After the various assaults on your so-called marriage, is it your problem? I don't think so now. If you see dope activity, I'd get the narcotics division of the police department involved NOW. That gets a record started.

 

Cause this lady COULD going to be getting a lot of sympathy from the Court for her illness, and you've already have wittnessed she does not appreate your good will in caring for her. What do you think she would report to a Judge to save her drug addicted azz?

 

I'm sorry to be so crass, but, the reality is that drug addicts are master manipulators. These comment are just my opinion based on my experiences. Yas

[sandylee1]

She doesn't sound like a nice person at all. Move swiftly on with your divorce and only communicate for issues relating to the children and essential finances.

 

Don't ever get sucked in by her again. She's shown you who she is. I would also out her affairs to her family and make it clear this is why you are divorcing.

[Thatsunpossible]

Thank you for your support and for this forum in general. I think you're both right. She is very nice to me sometimes, but at this point it has taken on a kind of Ike Turner vibe to me. I do not and cannot trust her. Hopefully things will resolve themselves soon.

[KBarletta]

You are living in the same house, but is there enough space for you to have separate sleeping arrangements? I would attempt to do that, and also move as swiftly as possible with divorce and asset division so you can leave her behind and move on. She sounds like not only a serial cheater but someone who will use you when she needs you, and then toss you aside as she sees fit.

[whichwayisup]

Cancer obviously hasn't changed her in a positive way. She still lies, cheats and says awful/hurtful things to you. Shame on her, you looked after her during her cancer and that's not easy! For her to claim that you didn't love her or look after her and care for her properly and someone else did is disgusting and it's good to hear that you are divorcing.

 

Sleep on the couch, stay distant from her.

 

Sorry that she did this to you and the kids. Have you spoken to them about anything yet?

[Thatsunpossible]

and he is fine with it. He says he likes his time with mom and he likes his time with me. I'm fine with that, I certainly don't want him to not love his mom. My younger one just turned three and she doesn't really seem bothered at all, so we haven't said anything to her. And yes, the days she sleeps here, I sleep on the couch.

[Ralph79]

@Thatsunpossible:

I have a question for you

 

Have you given any thought to how you would handle interactions with her in the future is her cancer does come back?

 

I support your decision to get a divorce. You are more than entitled to live happily and be with someone that appreciates you. Unlike her.

 

I'm merely concerned because she's the mother of your kids, she wants to be friends, and you can't stand her. I don't think anyone in your shoes could stand her to be honest. But are you prepared emotionally to turn your back on her if a real emergency does come about?

 

I asked that question myself until I realized I was making unnecessary drama in my head a long time ago. So I gave up. But your situation is really difficult. I really admire you for helping her. And I respect you even more for having the courage to move on from her asinine behavior.

 

But once the divorce is finalized would you still help her? It wouldn't be your responsibility anymore the way I see it. But damn, it is complicated.

[bubbaganoosh]

First thing you do is change the sleeping arrangements and let her know that she now sleeps on the couch becuause she lost the right of sleeping in the same bed with you and if she doesn't like it then she can go live with her junkie boyfriend.

 

You have gone far and above what most would do and truth be told, if you keep extending a glad hand to her, sooner or later she's going to chop it off since she already bit it how many times now.

 

You have to stop being the nice guy here and start taking charge of the situation. She's way ahead of you in this race and if you don't wise up, your going to lose big time.

 

Start now by securing your finances before she dips in to that for her junk and get your lawyer to move his ass in high gear and unload this woman ASAP.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now she wants to be friends.

 

Dictionary defines friend as "a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard". Doesn't sound like her, does it.

 

So that makes her a roommate with no rights to your bed. Get a lock on the bedroom door if necessary. And as others have said, full speed ahead on the proceedings...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GoBlue]

I am so sorry for your heartache and pain. The worse experience in my life has been navigating through the deception and betrayal of an affair. In many ways it is worse than losing her in death. I want to encourage you to continue being nice because there is nothing gained from being anything other than that especially for the sake of your children. I know your heart has been wounded and that it will take time for it to heal. Have you consulted a lawyer yet? Do you have a Pastor, counselor, or other support network to turn to at this time? The biggest mistake I made was to try to navigate through this minefield pretty much as a solo act. Reach out to family and friends and lean into their arms. My saving grace has been a renewed relationship with God. This has provided a foundation upon which everything in my life has been built. If you would like to know more send me a private message. In the meantime, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings!

[Thatsunpossible]

Wow, a lot of stuff here.

 

@ralph: the cancer question: I have spent a lot of time thinking about this possibility. I actually decided to let it go and not think at all about it. It would depend so much on things like how severe the cancer was, how far into the future it happens etc. I would say that if she were diagnosed tomorrow with terminal cancer and she wanted to be in the in the house with the kids I would agree to that. But again, I'm not going to project what might happen.

 

@bubbaganoosh & mr lucky: as far as kicking her out of the house, legally I can't do that. At this point it is out of the hands of even the lawyers. The paperwork has been filed, we are just waiting on the court to give us a date for the pretrial hearing. So for now, I'm stuck in limbo. It has been 9 months since we first split, so it doesn't feel as raw as it did. It's more frustrating at this point than anything.

 

One other point I should make: I am not sure she is still getting high. I think she has been getting high during this time, but I think she has been doing it every once in a while so as not to get physically addicted. Either way, I requested a hair follicle test, so I will know more soon. It has been suggested by several people that she may have mental health issues and that may be the reason for her extremely self-centered behavior. Sometimes a highly stressful time (like a year of cancer treatment) will just set someone off. That is also a possibility.

[Mr. Lucky]

@bubbaganoosh & mr lucky: as far as kicking her out of the house, legally I can't do that.

 

Not what I said. I suggested kicking her as far as the guest room or couch. You need to maintain your distance, both physically and emotionally...

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

Get champagne for the day you or she moves out. Gonna be a rude awakening when she's going to realize her sex buddies don't really care all that much about her.

[trippi1432]

Thatsunpossible, welcome to LS and my condolences for what you have gone through. You do have two best friends that you seem to be finding already.....acceptance and indifference. Believe me when I say, you will never forget how that feels after having put up with the chaotic world of a serial cheater.

 

Serial cheaters, IMO, are worse than someone who (loosely put) "has an affair". As reference, a good thread here on LS a couple of years ago: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/413635-definition-serial-cheater The problem with a serial cheat is that you can't get their attention long enough to even want to work on things....so the working on the marriage talk really has been nothing more than building her own safety net. A serial cheat is an addict to multiple things, your acceptance and continual forgiveness of them, a place or reason to lay blame on anyone but themselves (opiates, cancer, your behavior) and an inability to see how their own behavior affects others, even their own children.

 

At this point, I wouldn't worry about who is sleeping on the couch and who has the bed, possession of the home is 9/10 the law and you are both in the home. Throwing her out of the bed and throwing her junkie boyfriend in her face is just embracing drama....doesn't she make enough of that on her own accord?

 

Not a nudge to you Bubbaganoosh, it is our first instinct when we are hurt to want to have "some sort" of control of our lives.....in reality, state laws, whose name is on the deed...other legalities matter there, that's where you have to be smart and play the trump card. My first concern would be for the kids and who will have them the bulk of the time and she is clearly unstable, so kudos for you to order the hair follicle test.

 

OP, Remain indifferent to her, even when she is being nice. Indifference is not even acknowledging her behavior at all, it's controlling yours and sounds like you are doing well in that area. Get on the band wagon of getting a lawyer and setting some legal boundaries. Get as much proof as you can that the children are better off with you more than 50% of the time. If your location is correct, search online for Father's right in your state, some even have free resources to help.

 

Best of luck and keep posting.