Oswego Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I've never been in this situation before. I've been married to by hubby for nearly 10 years. Most of them rocky TBH. I have struggled with depression and was very overweight. Recently things in our marriage have been better and I took control of my weight issues and lost a bunch of weight. I'm more self confident and I am attracting a lot of male attention like never before. It feels great to be attractive and feel that way too. I'm in my early 30s and my sex drive seems to have increased too. My husband is not an overly sexual man and we rarely have sex. He suffers with ED and TBH he is less than adequate in the size category. I have never been extremely attracted to him either, although I love him and consider him my best friend. Recently I have been working away from home in another state and come home on weekends. While at my new location I have befriended a male colleague who I am extremely attracted to. I believe the feeling is mutual as we are constantly instant messaging each other and flirting. I I have never been in this situation before and feel a little guilty but like it at the same time. Is that wrong? What would be crossing the line? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 (edited) I have never been in this situation before and feel a little guilty but like it at the same time. Is that wrong? What would be crossing the line? Not at all. As soon as you get your husbands permission or a divorce, you can go straight ahead with a clear conscience. Edited February 4, 2015 by Satu 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I've never been in this situation before. I've been married to by hubby for nearly 10 years. Most of them rocky TBH. I have struggled with depression and was very overweight. Recently things in our marriage have been better and I took control of my weight issues and lost a bunch of weight. I'm more self confident and I am attracting a lot of male attention like never before. It feels great to be attractive and feel that way too. I'm in my early 30s and my sex drive seems to have increased too. My husband is not an overly sexual man and we rarely have sex. He suffers with ED and TBH he is less than adequate in the size category. I have never been extremely attracted to him either, although I love him and consider him my best friend. Recently I have been working away from home in another state and come home on weekends. While at my new location I have befriended a male colleague who I am extremely attracted to. I believe the feeling is mutual as we are constantly instant messaging each other and flirting. I I have never been in this situation before and feel a little guilty but like it at the same time. Is that wrong? What would be crossing the line? Yes, it's wrong. You're already crossing the line. Your husband is most certainly not your best friend if you treat him this way. Stop playing footsy with this other man and decide if you really still want to be married or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveRefreshed Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 You got married when you were in love right? So when you were unattractive and he loved you for your character and who are are as a person, and you, you were just so happy to not be alone. Now that you have lost weight, I guess you don't need to be concerned with being lonely, you can always find someone better now. Don't take the risk of being alone, find someone first before you leave him. Also, since you plan on doing this, it is totally cool to be selfish and sleep around/flirt with whomever you want. I mean, he's your best friend, he'd understand. Maybe if you're lucky, he'll find someone and do all the hard parts for you. /sarcasm. Truth: You are extremely selfish and shallow. You should divorce before you do anymore flirting and cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 You have two options now: you divorce your husband, or you find a new job. Sorry, you can't be trusted around this male "friend" now. No matter which option you choose he still deserves to know what you've been up to. See, I would 100% divorce you. Even if after this you cut this other guy out of your life completely? I would divorce you, and do you know why I would? It would be because of the last sentence of your post. The fact you even need to ask if this would be crossing the line would, to me, tell me I can never trust you again. You are in your 30's, if you haven't learned by now it would be crossing the line you never will, so I'd cut my losses and find someone else. But yeah, either way your husband needs to know and the colleague needs to go. Even if you to decide to not do the right thing and tell your H, the colleague still needs to go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I am an advocate of harmless flirting for the sake of flirting not for moving an illicit relationship forward. You have GIGs. For the sake of your marriage, knock it off because you are crossing a line. FWIW I define harmless flirting as perhaps one comment once in a while. IMing & making a point to carry on is a problem. When you look forward to your interactions with the other guy more than spending time with your spouse, you are crossing into emotional affair territory. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 feel a little guilty but like it at the same time. Is that wrong? What would be crossing the line? You should feel guilty because you are guilty of betraying your husband and "best friend". Is it wrong? Well what does your husband think? Oh you don't want to ask him...? Then that should answer your question! Anything that you wouldn't tell your husband about, is wrong! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I've never been in this situation before. I've been married to by hubby for nearly 10 years. Most of them rocky TBH. I have struggled with depression and was very overweight. Recently things in our marriage have been better and I took control of my weight issues and lost a bunch of weight. I'm more self confident and I am attracting a lot of male attention like never before. It feels great to be attractive and feel that way too. I'm in my early 30s and my sex drive seems to have increased too. My husband is not an overly sexual man and we rarely have sex. He suffers with ED and TBH he is less than adequate in the size category. I have never been extremely attracted to him either, although I love him and consider him my best friend. Recently I have been working away from home in another state and come home on weekends. While at my new location I have befriended a male colleague who I am extremely attracted to. I believe the feeling is mutual as we are constantly instant messaging each other and flirting. I I have never been in this situation before and feel a little guilty but like it at the same time. Is that wrong? What would be crossing the line? Fix whatever is wrong in your marriage before inviting another man into your intimacy. Your intimacy is reserved ONLY for your husband, even in his inadequacy. You stood before God and man and swore that he would be the only person you turned to until he was dead, not until his phallus stopped measuring up or his libido plunged. Did you mean what you said when you said "I do"? Stand on your vows or divorce your husband and do as you please. Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 As your husband's inadequate size is contributing to your behaviour I am sure you will understand perfectly when he starts flirting with women with bigger tits than you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 You at already admittedly in an emotional affair and headed right to a full blown physical affair. I hope you are ready for the consequences because eventually the odds say you will get caught. You are going to get a lot of advice here telling you it would be smart monitor part to stop this right now. But it appears to me from your post you are Looking for some approval to have an affair as a reward for your improved appearance and delight in male attention that you are now getting My guess is no matter what anyone tells you that you will continue to move forward with this relationship you have started. I hope you will be ready for the results. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 The fact you even have to ask if something is wrong or not usually means it's wrong. Yes you're being selfish. Yes you're going to utterly destroy a mans life because your vagina is ruling your head. Just read the break-up and coping sections of this forum. He has a disease, and I'm sure he'd love to not have it. Here's the rub though. Since you're where you are emotionally, this will probably not pass. You really only have two morally right options here: 1.) Seek couples counseling and put 100% of your effort into it and support him in whatever needs to be done. 2.) Divorce him now and make it amicable. Don't go for his money or try and ruin anything. Make it as close to a normal breakup as possible. Remember, you took a vow. It's probably just me but I take these things very seriously. I, take you, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I mean, really... is this even for real? Can someone really be that obtuse? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I've never been in this situation before. I've been married to by hubby for nearly 10 years. Most of them rocky TBH. I have struggled with depression and was very overweight. Recently things in our marriage have been better and I took control of my weight issues and lost a bunch of weight. I'm more self confident and I am attracting a lot of male attention like never before. It feels great to be attractive and feel that way too. I'm in my early 30s and my sex drive seems to have increased too. My husband is not an overly sexual man and we rarely have sex. He suffers with ED and TBH he is less than adequate in the size category. I have never been extremely attracted to him either, although I love him and consider him my best friend. Recently I have been working away from home in another state and come home on weekends. While at my new location I have befriended a male colleague who I am extremely attracted to. I believe the feeling is mutual as we are constantly instant messaging each other and flirting. I I have never been in this situation before and feel a little guilty but like it at the same time. Is that wrong? What would be crossing the line? You know exactly what you're doing. What do you intend to accomplish by fooling everyone and, most importantly, yourself? You want the D and that's understandable. However, you shouldn't let your desires cloud your best judgement. You know what you want, and you know the right way to go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I think you've already crossed the line. I doubt you'd like it if your husband found another woman more attractive than you and spent all of his time texting and flirting with her. As soon as emotions develop for somebody else, the proper thing to do is to stay away. Staying in contact with them and flirting with the person is completely inappropriate. Marital affairs happen all the time, and I would venture to say the vast majority start off with a situation just like yours. Most people don't plan to cross the line. But the more you disobey boundaries, the further you get stuck, and the harder it is to back out. You're already having an emotional affair. The chances are strong you're on your way to a physical one as well. Absolutely none of the issues you have with your husband are relevant to the situation. If you're leaving him, I'd still recommend taking time to be on your own before getting involved with somebody new. But if you're not planning to leave, then you need to appreciate what you have. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I mean, really... is this even for real? Can someone really be that obtuse? If this site has taught me anything..it is that the answer is a big resounding YES. It's honestly scarier to see a person who doesn't know what they are doing is wrong..as opposed to someone who is just selfish, etc. Though at the same time her bothering to post here should say she does know it is wrong so..who knows, she seems all over the place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oswego Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Thanks for the opinions. I have not desire to enter into a physical relationship as I love my husband and do not want to get a divorce. I have told him of my flirting with this man and he knows I am extroverted to the tenth degree. Basically I know I am trying to get my emotional needs met as I am lonely etc and my sex drive is making me crazy. Instead of cheating I take care of my needs alone and the flirting with my colleagues is nice to fantasize about because it is taboo, naughty, etc. I am in no means seeking approval for an affair etc but I think flirting can be healthy. What I want to know is what do other people consider healthy flirting? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 What I want to know is what do other people consider healthy flirting? Anything that you would still do even if your husband were in the room watching you, is healthy. If you wouldn't do it with him watching then it's unhealthy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 What I want to know is what do other people consider healthy flirting? Not allowing that to take place when I am in a marriage or a committed relationship. If I cannot do that in front on my SO/spouse, then I do not do it. If you want to act like you're single, then divorce. Otherwise, open up a can of "act right" and follow through. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 (edited) Thanks for the opinions. I have not desire to enter into a physical relationship as I love my husband and do not want to get a divorce. I have told him of my flirting with this man and he knows I am extroverted to the tenth degree. Basically I know I am trying to get my emotional needs met as I am lonely etc and my sex drive is making me crazy. Instead of cheating I take care of my needs alone and the flirting with my colleagues is nice to fantasize about because it is taboo, naughty, etc. I am in no means seeking approval for an affair etc but I think flirting can be healthy. What I want to know is what do other people consider healthy flirting? Lady, the very fact that you have a husband you claim to love and yet you feel you need to take care of your "needs" by flirting with co-workers...just reinforces the fact that there are major red flags here. You know what I consider healthy flirting if you are married? Not flirting at all. If a part of you needs to flirt with other dudes to get..whatever you get out of it, there is a big big problem. With an attitude like this do not say you haven't had a physical affair, just say you haven't had one YET. What happens when the mere fantasy isn't enough to satiate your "needs" and then you step it up? It's just mind boggling to see a married woman asking for healthy ways she can flirt with other dudes. Is this a joke? Edited February 5, 2015 by Spectre 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Light Breeze Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I am in no means seeking approval for an affair etc but I think flirting can be healthy. What I want to know is what do other people consider healthy flirting? You'd be surprised how many affairs start with "healthy flirting". You're kidding yourself if you think you wouldn't be sucked in emotionally or physically. Your quest for validation from other men will most likely ensure that. If you can't police your boundaries, then divorce your Husband before you hurt him unimaginably. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I have told him of my flirting with this man and he knows I am extroverted to the tenth degree. And he said what to that? "Oh, cool, honey. I think it's nice you've got a new playmate"? Basically I know I am trying to get my emotional needs met as I am lonely etc and my sex drive is making me crazy. Does your husband know that you are trying to get your emotional needs met and that you are lonely and your sex drive is making you crazy? Have you sought the help of a marital therapist to help you two figure out how to get through this minefield without blowing off limbs? IMO, for someone to check out of a marriage to the extent that he has speaks to an anger that has been allowed to grow into a complacency and that is being masked by this "platonic friendship" that on the surface, makes it tolerable to continue in this marriage. You are dancing through an emotional minefield chasing after this coworker for attention you should be getting from your husband. Why is your husband so closed off from you that you think this is a safe resort? Does he not understand the concept of the vow "cherishing" that he agreed to do when he married you? This is how marriages fail. One spouse decides that they don't want to fulfill what they stood before God and man and swore they would until the day one of the two of them dies. To love, honor, cherish and be faithful are the 4 pillars upon which a marriage rests. Taking a sledgehammer to one means it's only a matter of time before the foundation crashes to the ground and splinters into a million pieces. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to cherish you. To cherish means you do not willfully enter into any action which would cause your spouse emotional duress. That sets up resentment in the one not being cherished--made to feel like trash instead of a treasure. In retaliation of him not wanting to cherish you, you feel justified enough to dishonor him by getting emotional fulfillment from a man you work with who is basically seeing you as amusement--something to do while he's there for 8 hours/day. No, you may not be smashing, but it's only a matter of time before you are--that's just how resentment, dissatisfaction, no communication, selfishness and the abandonment of vows work. Then your marriage is in a shambles--and this all could have been avoided by both of you quitting ignoring the elephant pooping up a isht storm in your living room and addressing the fact that your marriage is in trouble--serious trouble--enough trouble that you are going out of bounds, emotionally and psychically, with another man. Instead of turning to this other man to avoid working out your issues with a therapist, make an appointment with a therapist and quit living a lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 My bicycle doesn't satisfy my needs anymore, and I'm a really keen cyclist. Would I be crossing any lines if I go out and steal a new one? Link to post Share on other sites
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