Is this an "emotional affair" and do I need to end this?

[evian]

I need some advice, please. I don't know if I should put an end to a relationship with a very good friend of mine. I am really worried that it is hurting his marriage. Here's the background...

 

I am 35 and have never been married. He is about 55 and has been married for close to 20 years. We've known each other for around 7 years. For the first 5 years, he was my boss. I was new to the field, and he was very much my mentor, so we spent a lot of time together and quickly became very close friends. We have always been very supportive of each other, and made a really great team at work. We also spent lots of time talking about our personal lives...childhoods, funny stories, music we liked, hopes and dreams, that sort of thing...but we didn't discuss any problems in his marriage. There was never any sexual involvement - never anything beyond a quick hug and kiss on the cheek at Christmas, like with everyone else we worked with. He had a number of female friends who, according to his wife, were "his friends", and his wife tolerated it, although she didn't like any of them - particularly me, apparently. I know that, generally, he speaks very highly of me, and I'm sure it annoyed her no end.

 

After 5 years working for him, I moved on to another job. As I said, we did form a very strong bond, and on my last day, we hugged, cried, said we'd miss each other, and told each other how much we value our relationship and how much we care about each other. Each of us said "I love you" -- but like you say it to your grandparents or a best friend who is moving away -- again it was strictly platonic.

 

We have stayed in touch over the last couple of years, getting together for lunches at Christmas, on our birthdays, and maybe once again during the year to catch up. We do email and instant message each other - sometimes not for weeks at a time, sometimes once every couple of days if there's something interesting to chat about. Even though we see each other infrequently, we are still very close. No matter how long it's been, we can pick up a conversation just as if we were still working together every day. I have always expected that we will always be friends.

 

Last week, we had lunch together for the first time since December. He has been going through a tough time at work over the last couple of years, and I've always been the one to give him a pep talk and try to boost his confidence. At this lunch last week, he told me he's been having some stress in his marriage as well. I encouraged him to get into counselling with his wife, to be as supportive/kind/caring to her as he can be while she is having a difficult time, to do his very best to work things out, and to remember how important he is to his two pre-teen sons.

 

Just before lunch ended, he told me that he had a dream about me that was not so "platonic", and how real the feelings felt, and that he has always been very fond of me, and he wanted me to know - to get it out in the open, etc... I don't know why he told me this. I know that he knows I don't want to get into a romantic relationship with him, because over lunch I was telling him how much I was falling for this new guy I'd met - showed him a photo and gushed on and on about this new guy.

 

I also found out that he doesn't tell his wife that we meet for lunch or exchange emails ... and this makes me uncomfortable. (By the way, my new boyfriend knows all about my former boss, and how close we are. I'm not hiding anything about it.) Anyway, I made it very clear that I like our relationship just the way it is, that I did not want to change anything, and that it was just a dream and was no big deal. I told him that I would never do anything that would put his marriage in jeopardy, that I want him to be happy, and that I would fix everything for him if I could.

 

I don't know what to do. I love having him for a friend, and I couldn't really imagine not having him there to talk to. However, I did tell him that if his friendship with me makes his wife so uncomfortable, I would completely understand if he needs to cut off contact with me for however long, until he works things out with his wife. He doesn't want to do that. I think he really needs to feel that someone is supporting him, which is the way we have always made each other feel -- like we believe in each other, and believe the other can accomplish anything. But I also don't want our closeness to hurt him. For now, I'm not planning on totally cutting things off, but I'm certainly going to cut back on our contact, and keep our conversations a lot less personal.

 

What do you think? Any advice would be appreciated.

[whichwayisup]

I think cutting contact back is a good thing. He needs to know he crossed the line big time with you. Knowing someone for that long and then all of a sudden he pours out his heart to you about how he feels, aware that you are involved with somebody and he is married - Well, he was 'feeling out' the situation to see if you'd jump at a chance to be with him as his marriage isn't as good as it used to be.

 

Be firm, yet nice about it. Hopefully he'll appologize and realize he made a mistake. Sadly though, you probably won't be as close as you once were...Nor will you want to because he kinda broke the trust by crossing the line. And the fact his wife doesn't know that you are his friend isn't cool either. Shows that he knew that she wouldn't approve of the innocent friendship.

 

You did the right thing by advising him to seek MC and work on his marriage...Continue to do that.

 

Good luck and I hope this helps.

[RecordProducer]

You must be joking. His wife is not the problem here, can't you see it?

It's his desire for you. You don't need to do anything. He will eventually realize that he may lose a friend and will probably apologize or stop the contact. If he stops communicating, you might let him know that you would like to stay friends with him, but nothing more than that.

[evian]

Thanks so much for your input. He just sent me an email where he didn't apologize, but he at least tried to explain himself. He sounded pretty embarrassed, and I think he understands my position. He said I looked like someone who is falling in love, and said he hopes that my boyfriend and I will be very happy.

 

I'm still weirded out by the whole experience. The thing I've always liked about the relationship we had is that I felt like we could share anything, knowing that neither of us would ever cross the line -- but you're right, he did cross it. Now I have to be more careful. I've always had a pretty strong sense of right and wrong, and all those warning signs are putting the situation pretty squarely in the "wrong" column for me.

 

I've talked to my boyfriend about what happened, and he says that it sounds like this person is having a difficult time and could probably really use a friend who understands him, that he'll soon realize that nothing is going to happen, and maybe even appreciate that having a friendship can be just as valuable as a romantic relationship.

 

I feel that I have to pull back at least until I can get over the "eeewww" factor of wondering what he's thinking whenever I see him. I have no desire to be the "other woman", and I really think he owes it to his children and to his wife to make every effort to keep his marriage together. I want to see him happy, and I think working on his marriage is his best chance for that.

 

On the other hand, I really do care about him an awful lot, and I don't think it's right to abandon a good friend when he obviously is going through so much and needs someone to talk to -- but I also want to put the condition on the friendship that we only see each other if his wife knows that we're friends, and that he doesn't bring this up again.

 

Do you think that sounds like a reasonable and fair (to him, his wife, and me) position?

[RecordProducer]

I think you sound like a reasonable person overall. Just don't tell him that you don't want to hurt his wife and stuff about his marriage, because he may take it as "I don't want to be with you, because you're married." So he may try to change his status for you or just for any chick that might come into his net if he is not married.

It's important that he understands that it is him you don't want (not your type or whatever). Sometimes we're trying to tell them "I have a boyfriend" or "You're married" and we're making a mistake cuz then they interpret it as 'I would sleep with you if he/she didn't exist.'

He tried, you rejected him. If he can't accept NO for an answer, what can you do?

While I was reading your post I figured that he's had a crush on you all those 7 years, cuz I just know men so well.

[moimeme]

I think he really needs to feel that someone is supporting him, which is the way we have always made each other feel -- like we believe in each other, and believe the other can accomplish anything

 

Unfortunately, this is why married people ought not to have very close friends of the opposite gender. The role of supporting and believing each other is integral to a married relationship and, if a marriage encounters a rough patch, it is natural for the married friend to turn to the unmarried friend to fill the needs s/he's not having met by the marriage. Next thing you know, married one falls for single one (or vice versa).

 

I doubt there's any successful long-term marriage which hasn't hit the odd rough patch. When the couple gets help, they can often resolve their problems and end up with an even stronger marriage. However if one partner thinks there's an 'escape route', s/he might take it rather than stay and fight for the relationship.

 

That he hides his friendship with you from his wife is a very bad sign, I'm afraid. At this point, I doubt you can remain friends. It's really hard having to give friends up, but if you have a strong sense of ethics, you have to live according to your values.

[StillHurtin]

I agree, he has crossed the line of the friendship. He shouldn't be running to you are another friend about his M problems, he needs to go to his W and maybe seek counseling. My H and I were having M problems also and he talked to a female co-worker about our problems and she was right there for him. Eventually they got closer and ended up having an A. After we got back 2gether he admitted he was wrong for seeking comfort from the OW and he should of talked to me and we should of sought counseling. GL w/ all this, you got some great advice so far.

[veronese]

I don't think you are having an emotional affair with him, but he does seem to be having one with you and regrettably it looks like he's ready to move it on to the next level.

 

It's hard to know what's the best thing is to do, you value him as a friend and care about him, but if you really mean that then call an end to your friendship before feelings become more intense.

 

You are aware it is a secret from his wife too, which although isn't your fault in any way, nevertheless suggests this situation is not all it seems. Being a MM's 'secret' friend is what you are. It's great you are so honest and open with your partner, but no-one seems to care that the wife is the only one left in the dark.

 

You know how his wife would feel if she found out he has been meeting you, she'd be mortified and you know it, don't pretend you don't realise.

 

QUOTE "I know that, generally, he speaks very highly of me, and I'm sure it annoyed her no end." QUOTE

 

I can't be sure Evian, but is that glee seeping out of you? Is that a pinch of vanity I see?

 

You seem like an OK person overall Evian, so what made you so sure your existence and fine reputation annoyed his wife no end? And why then didn't you back off and stop annoying the poor woman? If he was in the habit of developing exclusive, secretive, close attachments with other women, do you wonder why she was a little tetchy?

 

You are not healthy for his marriage. Be a friend and back off unless he is able to include his wife in this friendship. If he can't, won't or doesn't want to be honest then he regards it as an affair, whether you do or not

[veronese]

You do sound like you were a bit of mutual appreciation society, massaging each other's egos and supporting one another loyally for so long.

 

I bet there's been a subtle undercurrent of sexual chemistry, bubbling away just below the surface. You obviously found each other sufficiently interesting and attractive you sustained this relationship for 7 years gradually becoming closer, familiar and comfortable together.

 

I'm amazed that he didn't think you would notice it was only when his wife lost her appeal that you suddenly acquired yours? Bloody cheek really - presuming you will suddenly succumb to his charms the moment he offers them to you? But that is how he views you, kind of on standby, back-up.

 

Looking back can you see signs you missed at the time that indicated his growing feelings? If this is totally out of the blue I wonder what changed his view of you? You sound like a very supportive friend, he must have loved having you in his life. I expect his wife could have done with a secret friend as wonderful?

 

 

What happens next is down to you Breath. It's your call.

 

 

But Breath? - he's a wanker.

[whichwayisup]

Yup I agree he is...He's ruined a really special friendship that was bonded over trust and history. 7 years of friendship - PLANTONIC friendship down the drain because he let his 'ego' get in the way...After so much time to tell you that he felt something was just plain WRONG.

 

Even if he says sorry to you and tries to make it work again - It won't ever be the same...He ruined the innocience of the friendship. It's too bad.

[veronese]

Sorry Evian for getting your name wrong. No prizes for guessing where I've been.

 

I've realised that if I'm looking after him and he's looking after himself, there's no one looking after me!

 

Don't place too much importance on what you have with this man, it's probably not as special as you have been led to believe....

 

V

[evian]

Thanks so much for the advice. You've all helped so much. I hate that all of this is happening. I think you are right, and that it would be better for him and for me if I back off on this, at least until he and his wife get back on solid ground, however long that takes.

 

I definitely don't like that his wife is left in the dark. I don't want to be a part of anything that would undermine her. I said in an earlier post that I would only consider continuing a friendship with him if his wife is aware of it. Until this last lunch, I didn't know he wasn't telling her when we got together for lunch. And at this same lunch, he told me that his wife used to accept him having female friends, but doesn't anymore -- so she would get irritated when he would talk about me, and therefore now he doesn't mention my name to her anymore. (I don't know how long he's been keeping secrets about this, but obviously it started sometime after I stopped working for him.) The fact that he told me that, along with his dream, makes me really uncomfortable and raises those furiously waving big red flags.

 

I guess because we have such an age difference, I really didn't think this situation would ever come up. If he was only 5 or 10 years older than me, I'm sure I would have avoided building the type of friendship that we did. But he's old enough to be my father! I have very conservative views on marriage and sex, and I just didn't see this coming. (But then, my name spelled backward is "naive"! )

 

It's funny -- Veronese, you mentioned we sound like a "mutual appreciation society" -- we knew that and always joked about it. It's been really nice to have someone around to boost you up -- that's what friends are for. I've been trying to figure out what happened. My best guess is that while he was getting more appreciation/ admiration from his wife than he got from me, it wasn't a big deal, but then things changed with the two of them, and he got a little less from her. Then I think his dream really hit him -- you know how sometimes you awake from a dream and the feelings about it seem so real -- but they're not -- it was just a dream.

 

I actually quite like his wife, and I've always thought she was a really nice person. When he and I were working together, he always told me how much he loves her, and how beautiful he thinks she is. And I liked hearing that. My parents have stayed together, and I like hearing about other great marriages out there. But, now, I really don't think it's my place to have him discuss his marital problems with me. I know I wouldn't like it if the situation was reversed and it was my spouse, so I can't imagine that his wife would appreciate it. That's why I cut him off at lunch when he started talking about it, and suggested that counselling would be a good idea.

 

If we can both get past this, and if the friendship does continue at some point, I will insist that his wife join us. And if, as I hope, there is a wedding and baby for me in the next few years, hopefully his wife will realize that I'm not a threat, and that one day we can continue our friendship as couples.

 

As much as I don't want to lose this friendship, if I want to be a real friend, I know I have to put what's best for him ahead of what I'd like. I agree that anything that puts an element of dishonesty into their relationship or that makes his wife feel insecure is a bad idea. Whatever he and I are/were getting from our friendship isn't worth the cost to his primary relationship with his wife, and that's where his focus should be. I'm not worried that I'll fall for him, but I do think he needs to put his energy into his marriage. He needs to realize how lucky he is to have such a great family, and to turn towards the relationship to fix any problems, not look outside of it. I don't want to be part of causing any problems in their marriage, so creating distance from me sounds like the smart way to go. I don't know how bad things are for the two of them, but I just hope that when I back out, he won't go and pick another woman to rely on, who will take things to the next level.

 

I'm still reeling from it all, but things have already changed for me - now I feel as if I would have to watch every word and every step just in case he takes it the wrong way. This is just ridiculous, and I'm actually kind of angry with him for telling me what he did. He can be such an idiot sometimes! I just wish I could smack some sense into him!

 

Thanks again for your help everyone. I really appreciate your thoughtful comments.