Is it cheating if he slept with someone else when we were sort of broken up?

[Louboutinista]

Hi everyone, I've been on this site reading people's posts and their problems for a long time and this is my first time posting. Anyway, it is finally time for me to share mine

 

After my boyfriend of a month (aged 53) and I (aged 33) broke up early January, he went to a bar to pick up some random chick to have some no-strings-attached sex with. This happened the VERY NEXT DAY after we broke up (which I wasn't happy about of course but hey, we were broken up). After they had sex he felt even emptier and decided I'm the girl for him so he pleaded and begged me to take him back. I told him I'd think about it and he would get in touch with me every day by phone, text or email.

 

We did not have sex when we saw each other during this period (two weeks) but eventually I agreed to work on our relationship. However, little did I know that all this time he was working things out with me he was still in contact with that woman. They slept together for another two times until I saw her photo in his phone. He tried to deny at first but I wouldn't have it. So in the end he came clean and told me everything (everything about that woman I mentioned earlier I didn't find out until now). While I loved him, I decided it was too much for me and I wanted out. He pleaded and apologized over and over. Long story short, I have given him one last chance because he lets me have full access to his phone, email and computer. Everything. He's also made an appointment with his therapist. I looked through all the texts he exchanged with that woman and evidently she was nothing but just an easy lay for him. There was no affection or romantic conversation between them. He wasn't trying to date her.

 

I have to say, though, since we got back together he has been nothing but wonderful to me and we are a lot more honest and open with each other. He lets me look through his phone whenever and I offered to let him look through mine. I decided to not punish him and treat him like a criminal by withholding affection or constantly bringing up the past because honestly no one put a gun to my head and forced me to forgive him -- I made that decision myself. I want us to start afresh although he does need to earn my trust again. I have to say, though, there is such a fine line between punishing the person and making him earn your trust again. But I decided I will start by being affectionate and caring (it can be hard!). And he reciprocates by being extra caring, attentive and honest, which is probably the good thing that comes out of this whole ordeal.

 

But still, at times I still wonder if I have made the right decision to move forward with him? I would have had a much easier time forgiving him if it was just post-breakup sex. After all, after breakups, people are single and they should be free to do whatever they want. But the line got a lot blurrier when he continued to sleep with her when we were still trying to work things out. Is it cheating? He didn't consider it cheating because at the time he and I were not in an established relationship -- to him a couple isn't exclusive until they slept together, though I disagree. He said he was confused about where we stood (cos I refused to be intimate with him and a couple of times I turned my face away when he tried to kiss me).

 

I guess my question is, can he be trusted? Did I make the right decision by getting back with him? Is what he did considered cheating? Thanks everyone

Edited February 4, 2015 by Louboutinista

[kendahke]

 

But still, at times I still wonder if I have made the right decision to move forward with him? I would have had a much easier time forgiving him if it was just post-breakup sex. After all, after breakups, people are single and they should be free to do whatever they want. But the line got a lot blurrier when he continued to sleep with her when we were still trying to work things out. Is it cheating? He didn't consider it cheating because at the time he and I were not in an established relationship -- to him a couple isn't exclusive until they slept together, though I disagree. He said he was confused about where we stood (cos I refused to be intimate with him and a couple of times I turned my face away when he tried to kiss me).

 

I guess my question is, can he be trusted? Did I make the right decision by getting back with him? Is what he did considered cheating? Thanks everyone

 

First off, there is no such thing as 'sort of broken up'. You two were either together in a relationship with all it entails or broken up.

 

To him, continuing to smash the other chick while trying to reconcile with you sans sex is not cheating. To you, it does. Those are the only two viewpoints which matter in your situation. Doesn't matter what any of us think it is. We aren't in the relationship with you.

 

Question is: can you put that behind you now that he's acting more attentive and letting you roam through his phone and email and never again bring it up or let it eclipse your relationship? Because for you to move forward with him means that you are sure right now, where you stand, this this man is your way forward. If you're not sure, then you need to let this go because eventually, your inability to put this behind you is what's going to be what kills the relationship.

Edited February 4, 2015 by kendahke

[smackie9]

I agree, if you feel betrayed by his actions then yes it is cheating. BUT whether it's cheating or not, how you feel about it is what matters. My question is, why did you two break up in the first place?

[Louboutinista]

First off, there is no such thing as 'sort of broken up'. You two were either together in a relationship with all it entails or broken up.

 

To him, continuing to smash the other chick while trying to reconcile with you sans sex is not cheating. To you, it does. Those are the only two viewpoints which matter in your situation. Doesn't matter what any of us think it is. We aren't in the relationship with you.

 

Question is: can you put that behind you now that he's acting more attentive and letting you roam through his phone and email and never again bring it up or let it eclipse your relationship? Because for you to move forward with him means that you are sure right now, where you stand, this this man is your way forward. If you're not sure, then you need to let this go because eventually, your inability to put this behind you is what's going to be what kills the relationship.

 

Thanks, Kendahke. I know what you mean. But what I'm most confused about is that where do I draw that line when it comes to cheating? I used to think it is so black and white but now it's all gray. I thought we were back together although we weren't having sex but clearly he thought our relationship was still in limbo. I guess I wanted to know what you guys think about what constitutes cheating.

[Louboutinista]

I agree, if you feel betrayed by his actions then yes it is cheating. BUT whether it's cheating or not, how you feel about it is what matters. My question is, why did you two break up in the first place?

 

Why we broke up: He never told me about the doubts or problems that he had fearing he might ruin a good thing. So he let things build and fester. Until he blew up one day which led to me breaking it off. When we reconciled, we agreed to never let our negative feelings snowball again like that. So now when he feels that I might be acting a bit aloof and distant, instead of accusing me of not being into him enough, he asks to clarify things.

[kendahke]

Thanks, Kendahke. I know what you mean. But what I'm most confused about is that where do I draw that line when it comes to cheating? I used to think it is so black and white but now it's all gray. I thought we were back together although we weren't having sex but clearly he thought our relationship was still in limbo. I guess I wanted to know what you guys think about what constitutes cheating.

 

Some people will play the nut role and say "well I didn't know you felt this way about (whatever)". Ok. So he didn't understand/get clarification on your definition. Well TODAY IS A NEW DAY! If you're going to be with him, clearly spell out your definition of cheating and other shady behavior now and make sure he understands you without any waivering that this is how you feel and what you WILL do if it ever happens again-and be prepared to do what you say you will do if it does happen. That way he can never play the nut role on you again. It will be because he has contempt for you and that is why he did it.

 

Before the day is done, make sure he understands that cheating means him turning to any other woman for anything intimate, be that emotional, physical or mental because you are the only woman who should have access to his intimacy--no one else. That means missy he's been smashing has to go and stay gone forever.

Edited February 4, 2015 by kendahke

[elaine567]

He is 53, not 13, he knew exactly what he was doing.

Yes, perhaps he thought it was over the first time, but he wasted no time did he?

Undying love and all that.... Hmmm!!

 

BUT when you were trying to work it out properly, he was still seeing her!!!!

NOT GOOD.

 

Also, ever heard of a burner phone?

[Louboutinista]

Some people will play the nut role and say "well I didn't know you felt this way about (whatever)". Ok. So he didn't understand/get clarification on your definition. Well TODAY IS A NEW DAY! If you're going to be with him, clearly spell out your definition of cheating and other shady behavior now and make sure he understands you without any waivering that this is how you feel and what you WILL do if it ever happens again-and be prepared to do what you say you will do if it does happen. That way he can never play the nut role on you again. It will be because he has contempt for you and that is why he did it.

Before the day is done, make sure he understands that cheating means him turning to any other woman for anything intimate, be that emotional, physical or mental because you are the only woman who should have access to his intimacy--no one else. That means missy he's been smashing has to go and stay gone forever.

 

Thanks! You're right. I did lay it all on the table for him so there will be no more excuses. Btw, when you said "It will be because he has contempt for you and that is why he did it," I'm not sure I know what you meant?

[Louboutinista]

He is 53, not 13, he knew exactly what he was doing.

Yes, perhaps he thought it was over the first time, but he wasted no time did he?

Undying love and all that.... Hmmm!!

 

BUT when you were trying to work it out properly, he was still seeing her!!!!

NOT GOOD.

 

Also, ever heard of a burner phone?

 

Thank you for your response. Yes of course him having a second phone is a possibility that has crossed my mind, but honestly I have no evidence and I'm at his place a lot and I have not seen anything fishy so I decided not to dwell on that thought until I sense something.

 

But yes I agree that he knows exactly what he was doing. It wasn't a mistake, it was a choice.

[smackie9]

People will turn to sex with someone else because of their hurt.....it's a way of shaking it off, to the boost ego, self esteem.

 

It must have been some fight.....OP you are still being fague about why....what were his doubts? That he would cheat on you?

[smackie9]

Just my two cents....I question a man's maturity that dates someone 20 years his junior.

[pteromom]

Thanks, Kendahke. I know what you mean. But what I'm most confused about is that where do I draw that line when it comes to cheating? I used to think it is so black and white but now it's all gray.

 

It doesn't matter what the label is.

 

What he did is against YOUR values. Now you have to decide whether it is something you can (or want to) get over, and consider the ways his differing values in this area might affect you in the future, so you can decide whether you want to continue this or not.

[Louboutinista]

People will turn to sex with someone else because of their hurt.....it's a way of shaking it off, to the boost ego, self esteem.

 

It must have been some fight.....OP you are still being fague about why....what were his doubts? That he would cheat on you?

 

There was no fight. Things were going so well, or so I thought. Then one day at lunch he just started sulking and when I asked he just wouldn't tell me. Then after lunch I pressed harder and he said he just wasn't sure if "we are cut out for each other" without explaining why even after I asked. So I just broke it off right there and then. He then later admitted he let his doubts fester for longer than they should. According to him his doubts include:

1. He thought he was more into me than I was him because I rarely initiated contact and at times I was being aloof;

2. He was a bit overwhelmed by his feelings;

3. thought I was only after his money since I let him pay every time;

4. thought I was still carrying a torch for my last ex who broke up with me four months prior to our first date

 

These doubts would have been resolved easily if he would just voice them on the spot.

 

Just my two cents....I question a man's maturity that dates someone 20 years his junior.

 

He wants to date people much younger than him because he's eager to start a family. He's never been married and has no children.

[elaine567]

So HE started the fight, HE started sulking, HE he said it was over, then HE went and had some "no strings attached sex" with some woman HE just happened to meet in a bar.

 

If I was the least bit cynical, I would suggest HE set the whole thing up.

[Diezel]

Can he be trusted? No.

 

That's the only answer you need.

[smackie9]

There was no fight. Things were going so well, or so I thought. Then one day at lunch he just started sulking and when I asked he just wouldn't tell me. Then after lunch I pressed harder and he said he just wasn't sure if "we are cut out for each other" without explaining why even after I asked. So I just broke it off right there and then. He then later admitted he let his doubts fester for longer than they should. According to him his doubts include:

1. He thought he was more into me than I was him because I rarely initiated contact and at times I was being aloof;

2. He was a bit overwhelmed by his feelings;

3. thought I was only after his money since I let him pay every time;

4. thought I was still carrying a torch for my last ex who broke up with me four months prior to our first date

 

These doubts would have been resolved easily if he would just voice them on the spot.

 

 

 

He wants to date people much younger than him because he's eager to start a family. He's never been married and has no children.

 

Like I said, I question his level of maturity (can't even work out the simplest issues). To add it takes him 30+ years to be ready for marriage and children? *shakes head* They used to call this the "peter pan syndrome".

[SunnySide0418]

Did I read that correctly that this all happened after 1 month of dating? Ugh, I'm exhausted just reading this. And you were in love with him after 1 month- 4 weeks? This is supposed to be the honeymoon period and look at all the drama you are already going through with this guy. I'm sorry but I would find someone else. He seems to have issues. I would not be able to look at him the same not because of the one night but because he kept sleeping with her while trying to get you back! If he was that into you h wouldn't WANT to be sleeping with anyone else. Think about it. Have some self respect. After a month you are checking his phone. Way too much drama for this early on IMO. He seems very immature. Plus, isn't he kind of old for you?? Do you really want to have kids with someone in their 50's? Think of the kids. Their dad will be a geezer.

Edited February 5, 2015 by SunnySide0418

[Louboutinista]

Did I read that correctly that this all happened after 1 month of dating? Ugh, I'm exhausted just reading this. And you were in love with him after 1 month- 4 weeks? This is supposed to be the honeymoon period and look at all the drama you are already going through with this guy. I'm sorry but I would find someone else. He seems to have issues. I would not be able to look at him the same not because of the one night but because he kept sleeping with her while trying to get you back! If he was that into you h wouldn't WANT to be sleeping with anyone else. Think about it. Have some self respect. After a month you are checking his phone. Way too much drama for this early on IMO. He seems very immature. Plus, isn't he kind of old for you?? Do you really want to have kids with someone in their 50's? Think of the kids. Their dad will be a geezer.

 

I agree with you. Except for the self-respect remark. I didn't take him back unconditionally. I made it clear this would be the very last chance he has and if he blows it that will be it. And he's already made an appointment with his therapist even before I asked him to. And also we agreed to be completely transparent with each other. I would not have taken him back if he had a problem with any of this. But I do agree with you that this is too much drama too early on. You are right... after only a month? We are currently in our third month and things are wonderful now, but well, only time will tell!

[kendahke]

Thanks! You're right. I did lay it all on the table for him so there will be no more excuses. Btw, when you said "It will be because he has contempt for you and that is why he did it," I'm not sure I know what you meant?

 

That means that he knows how you feel, but went ahead and screwed another woman anyway--and didn't care how you felt about it.

[kendahke]

3. thought I was only after his money since I let him pay every time;

He wants to date people much younger than him because he's eager to start a family. He's never been married and has no children.

 

OP, has his career been what has kept him from settling down and starting a family?

 

I know of some women who have waited until they were in their 40's to start having children because they were invested in their careers and accomplishing goals before bringing children into the mix and not being able to provide the level of attention they felt they deserved.

 

My ex-LDR is 62 and in his profile said he was not adverse to starting a new family, so age and desire for children are not mutually exclusive to some men. I sort of have my own explanation as to why he was that way--his only son is his only child and he is gay; I suspect he wanted grandchildren to carry on his bloodline and name. That ship has sailed for me, so I wasn't the one.

[devilish innocent]

We don't have the full context to determine why you thought you were back together and he didn't. Most of the time when people come on loveshack asking about getting back together with an ex after having been dumped, everyone tells them they're reading too much into things. If you were at all wishy-washy about the status of your relationship, I can't blame him for thinking you were broken up. I probably wouldn't be in this relationship myself for all the other reasons people have mentioned, but I wouldn't consider it cheating. If you want to give him another shot, just take things slow and see how they go now that you've established the relationship.

[Spectre]

It's not cheating at all. At the same time, it's certainly not the behavior of a guy who loves you.

[elaine567]

It's not cheating at all. At the same time, it's certainly not the behavior of a guy who loves you.

 

^^^^True^^^^

[Louboutinista]

OP, has his career been what has kept him from settling down and starting a family?

 

I know of some women who have waited until they were in their 40's to start having children because they were invested in their careers and accomplishing goals before bringing children into the mix and not being able to provide the level of attention they felt they deserved.

 

My ex-LDR is 62 and in his profile said he was not adverse to starting a new family, so age and desire for children are not mutually exclusive to some men. I sort of have my own explanation as to why he was that way--his only son is his only child and he is gay; I suspect he wanted grandchildren to carry on his bloodline and name. That ship has sailed for me, so I wasn't the one.

 

His career certainly plays a major role in why he is still single at 53. He runs a business and it demands a lot of time and energy. That said, it is also because he has poor relationship skills (according to his therapist) which led to the failing of his past relationships (not due to cheating). He noticed he has issues so he started seeing a therapist to help him work on them two years ago. He said he used to be even more messed up

 

We don't have the full context to determine why you thought you were back together and he didn't. Most of the time when people come on loveshack asking about getting back together with an ex after having been dumped, everyone tells them they're reading too much into things. If you were at all wishy-washy about the status of your relationship, I can't blame him for thinking you were broken up. I probably wouldn't be in this relationship myself for all the other reasons people have mentioned, but I wouldn't consider it cheating. If you want to give him another shot, just take things slow and see how they go now that you've established the relationship.

 

He said if we were in a relationship I wouldn't have turned my face away and pushed him away when he tried to kiss me. But he DID ask me if I was willing to give it another shot and I nodded. So I just assumed we were back on.

 

It's not cheating at all. At the same time, it's certainly not the behavior of a guy who loves you.

 

I know what you mean. Trust me I thought the same too. But at the same time, he is now doing everything he can to show his love. So I guess the jury's still out on this one and only time will tell.

[kendahke]

He said if we were in a relationship I wouldn't have turned my face away and pushed him away when he tried to kiss me. But he DID ask me if I was willing to give it another shot and I nodded. So I just assumed we were back on.

 

Then be crystal clear with him on what your "I will end this" boundaries are. Make sure he understands where you're saying. Don't assume you're back on--that's why this thread is here. Both of you need to declare to one another that you are in a committed, exclusive relationship.

 

Good luck.