Is she really serious?

[HurtOfGlass]

I will not claim I am fully healed. But it is still some time before March. Even if we end up in bed it will not be before March.

 

We have just reconnected for 7 days. So its still all raw. Many things will come out in between I am sure. I have read here how remorse is absolutely necessary for any reconciliation to be effective. But how can I judge true remorse when all I can do right now is talk to her on phone? Infact who can effectively determine true remorse even in physical presence? Unless the person can see into other people's mind.

 

And if we are talking about remorse, even I myself don't feel remorse for beating up 3 random people whose only fault was stepping on my shoe, parking his car in front of my bike and cutting me in line...

[Ralph79]

Remorse isn't a tangible concept you can measure.

 

She can put on a teary eyed puppy face begging you for forgiveness and you STILL won't know what she's thinking.

 

It is going to require blind faith on your part. Which is why betrayal hurts so much. And unfortunately those who have betrayed you in the past think little of you. She has already proven to be not trustworthy, why expose yourself to giving your heart again to someone who already stabbed it?

[HurtOfGlass]

You know when you put it that way it makes me feel really stupid....

 

But I spent 10 months in absolute anger and bitterness where there was no contact. And I was miserable. Again when I have reconnected, I can't stop talking to her. Will this phase pass and I will again feel anger about how she betrayed me? I don't know.

 

But right now my heart wants what it wants....

[OMC]

Don't trade what you want for what you want right now.

[Ralph79]

You know when you put it that way it makes me feel really stupid....

 

But I spent 10 months in absolute anger and bitterness where there was no contact. And I was miserable. Again when I have reconnected, I can't stop talking to her. Will this phase pass and I will again feel anger about how she betrayed me? I don't know.

 

But right now my heart wants what it wants....

 

I'll put on my geek mask and direct you to this:

 

[elaine567]

You know when you put it that way it makes me feel really stupid....

 

But I spent 10 months in absolute anger and bitterness where there was no contact. And I was miserable. Again when I have reconnected, I can't stop talking to her. Will this phase pass and I will again feel anger about how she betrayed me? I don't know.

 

But right now my heart wants what it wants....

 

I guess this is "hysterical bonding", and you will not be able to keep your hands off each other when you meet.

But the huge issue of her cheating for you, and the fact you visited prostitutes for her, will rear their ugly heads.

And that is going to be difficult for you both to cope with.

Are you in counselling?

If not, then you will need it.

[HurtOfGlass]

Lie #1. She was cheating on you. She was being dishonest about everything.

Lie #2. But after denial for the first time

Lie #3. she immediately admitted that she was going out with him few time

"She could have easily lied to me and I would never have known"

She did. Several times. You are just trying to justify her actions out what I will assume to be lust.

 

You are putting too much stock in the fact that she didn't gaslight you.

 

Its not just that I am putting too much stock on her forthrightness.

 

Ethnically she is a Marwari and I am a Baishya. The other guy was a Marwari too. This maybe a bit hard to understand by you guys.

 

Its a case of when you go to a new place, you seek people you know or people whom you can trust. For safety. She and he got close so quickly because they hailed from the same community.

 

Now her parents always wanted her to marry a Marwari. The fact that I was not brought some resistance early on in our relationship. (Even my parents were not very happy to hear that I was in a relationship with a Marwari girl). And as I told you earlier, this break up turned up into a family feud and I ended up being the culprit.

 

Now me and she restarting would be a shock to both parents. It will be drama all round. That fact that she she is willing too take such stress makes me think that maybe she is committed fully into us...

[Ralph79]

Its not just that I am putting too much stock on her forthrightness.

 

Ethnically she is a Marwari and I am a Baishya. The other guy was a Marwari too. This maybe a bit hard to understand by you guys.

 

Its a case of when you go to a new place, you seek people you know or people whom you can trust. For safety. She and he got close so quickly because they hailed from the same community.

 

Now her parents always wanted her to marry a Marwari. The fact that I was not brought some resistance early on in our relationship. (Even my parents were not very happy to hear that I was in a relationship with a Marwari girl). And as I told you earlier, this break up turned up into a family feud and I ended up being the culprit.

 

Now me and she restarting would be a shock to both parents. It will be drama all round. That fact that she she is willing too take such stress makes me think that maybe she is committed fully into us...

 

Gaslighting: A form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates situations repeatedly to trick the victim into distrusting his or her own memory and perceptions

 

Forthright: Honest and direct. Providing answers or information in a very clear and direct way

 

Yes she did not try to gaslight the evidence she got caught with. But stop kidding yourself. She was not forthright, Jesus.

 

You do realize you are twisting things either on purpose to prolong this thread or you really have lost your sense of reality my friend.

 

I don't care if she's Asian, Mexican, a Mennonite, Vulcan, Republican, or a figment of your imagination. Her background and ethnicity have nothing to do with the fact that she lied to you SEVERAL times. Forthright means she would've approached you and confessed what happened without you having to find out. Get your head out of the clouds.

 

Secondly...

 

"That fact that she she is willing too take such stress makes me think that maybe she is committed fully into us..."

 

Yeah, she was willing to take equal or greater amount of stress when banging the other guy while still in a relationship with you. Again, your judgement is clouded, because that doesn't mean what you think.

 

You are seeing what you want to see. But deep down you know this. And honestly I don't think you really care what we say. You are going to meet her and you are going to have sex the very day you see her. I hope this relationship works out for you because it's clear to me your mind is already set. And if it does fail, I am more than willing to keep providing feedback even if you don't listen.

 

Remember, taking out your issues on others, and finding comfort between the legs of prostitutes is not the healthiest way to overcome problems. I will again recommend you open up to your parents about needing help. Tell them you need a counselor to cope with the breakup because you're having seconds thoughts. If you say they do not approve of her, then I'm pretty sure they will more than likely jump at the chance to send you to a therapist. What you say to the therapist will be completely between the both of you.

 

Running into your exGF's arms as if nothing ever happens like others have stated is going to bring severe issues down the road if you don't address them now. It's up to you.

[MJJean]

Are you trying to say that she found a passion that was missing in our relationship? Its is possible that theirs was a very lusty affair. Why? Because she was in a new city living on her own, outside the purview of her parents. She felt liberated to engage with him more sexually.

 

My understanding of your culture is a bit limited, but I do know about the caste system enough to know it's discouraged to date and marry outside of your own caste. Which does make a certain sense. Marriage is hard. It's even harder when there are differences between the couple. But sometimes couples with differences balance each other. They teach and learn from each other and create a very full life together.

 

To answer your question above, what was he giving her? Look below.

 

Its not just that I am putting too much stock on her forthrightness.

 

Ethnically she is a Marwari and I am a Baishya. The other guy was a Marwari too. This maybe a bit hard to understand by you guys.

 

Its a case of when you go to a new place, you seek people you know or people whom you can trust. For safety. She and he got close so quickly because they hailed from the same community.

 

Now her parents always wanted her to marry a Marwari. The fact that I was not brought some resistance early on in our relationship. (Even my parents were not very happy to hear that I was in a relationship with a Marwari girl). And as I told you earlier, this break up turned up into a family feud and I ended up being the culprit.

 

Now me and she restarting would be a shock to both parents. It will be drama all round. That fact that she she is willing too take such stress makes me think that maybe she is committed fully into us...

 

What he was able to give her was the approval of her parents and the same habits and customs...the familiarity and safety...of her community of origin. Because they hail from the same community he can understand her and she him in a way that someone raised differently cannot.

 

And, of course, as you said there is also the first taste of freedom and the fact that they probably shared a physical attraction added into the mix.

 

 

 

 

No. LOL

 

But its all preliminary. I don't trust her. There are many things we need to talk before I can agree to restart. First and foremost I have to see he face-to-face. Talking on the phone is all very fine. But I need to see her body language when she is saying the same things to me on my face.

 

I am not a chump you know. It takes more than words to fool me.

 

And she has agreed. She has some casual leaves accumulated. She is told me she will take them next month. 5 days in total I think. Thats when I will really SEE her.

 

Yes, rely on your instincts and her body language more than what she says.

 

Well thats one way to put it...

 

But if I am honest, there is also my need to guage her reaction when I tell her to put certain measures so that I am on a more solid ground with. I don't want to be played for a fool again. So there's that fear.

 

But I truly believe she is not an inherent liar. Why?

 

The friend that informed me only saw her with that guy in a movie hall. She could have easily gaslighted me. But after denial for the first time, she immediately admitted that she was going out with him few time when I threatened I will not talk to her again. She didn't do the "You don't trust me?" charade....

Again this was necessary but not sufficient condition to accuse her of sleeping with him. But I went with my hunch and pressed her and she confessed to the sexual aspect of her relationship with him. She could have easily lied to me and I would never have known....

 

She was caught. Some people lie when caught and some are practical and accept that they have been caught, so tell the truth. She is practical. She is more likely to lie by omission than to outright lie. But she will lie. That you know because she has already done so. Maybe she learned a valuable lesson, maybe not.

 

You know when you put it that way it makes me feel really stupid....

 

But I spent 10 months in absolute anger and bitterness where there was no contact. And I was miserable. Again when I have reconnected, I can't stop talking to her. Will this phase pass and I will again feel anger about how she betrayed me? I don't know.

 

But right now my heart wants what it wants....

 

Obviously you two have incomplete business with each other. Maybe it will be a lifetime together and maybe it will be an extinction burst relationship, who knows? But if you're going to consider giving this relationship another try you need to let your heart want what it wants while being advised by the brain.

[Josmatjes]

Ok there is something wrong with you! First off your not married, no ring on her finger and a long distance relationship?? Come on!!

Second.... You went to a whorehouse to get back at her? Seriously that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard and really nasty....did you get checked for stds?

 

You do realize that what you did is 100 times worse cause she at least knew the guy but you went with a stranger who sleeps with anyone.

 

You sound like you may also have some anger issues..... I mean to wait till the time is right to rip someone up is really cruel. You are not a grown man, unfortunately you are a little boy and thank god she got out when she did!

[elaine567]

Ok there is something wrong with you! First off your not married, no ring on her finger and a long distance relationship?? Come on!!

Second.... You went to a whorehouse to get back at her? Seriously that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard and really nasty....did you get checked for stds?

 

You do realize that what you did is 100 times worse cause she at least knew the guy but you went with a stranger who sleeps with anyone.

 

You sound like you may also have some anger issues..... I mean to wait till the time is right to rip someone up is really cruel. You are not a grown man, unfortunately you are a little boy and thank god she got out when she did!

 

She is coming back!

[elaine567]

Second.... You went to a whorehouse to get back at her? Seriously that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard and really nasty....did you get checked for stds?

 

You do realize that what you did is 100 times worse cause she at least knew the guy but you went with a stranger who sleeps with anyone.

 

 

I have to agree there.

Being cheated on is awful, but the thought of a guy who admits to going to prostitutes 22 times, who gave them chocolates on the way in and after he had done the deed, deliberately made them feel awful, creeps me out. #65

I think she will have the harder job forgiving him.

[Sticky Fingers]

Ok there is something wrong with you! First off your not married, no ring on her finger and a long distance relationship?? Come on!!

 

So a committed relationship is null because of geographical distance?

 

Second.... You went to a whorehouse to get back at her? Seriously that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard and really nasty....did you get checked for stds?

Legal whorehouses have strict rules, among them having their girls frequently tested for STDs and the customer using a condom - no condom, no sex. What rules did she apply to the OM to make sure she would not contract STDs from him?

 

 

You do realize that what you did is 100 times worse cause she at least knew the guy but you went with a stranger who sleeps with anyone.

Quite the opposite. There was no betrayal when he had sex with the prostitutes. No lies and no deception. She on the other hand, lied and deceived him and may have had unprotected sex with a man who may or may not had an STD. If she had sex with the OP, then she put him at risk of contracting an STD from the OM.

 

You sound like you may also have some anger issues..... I mean to wait till the time is right to rip someone up is really cruel. You are not a grown man, unfortunately you are a little boy and thank god she got out when she did!

Probably true, but she also has quite a ways before she is mature enough for a committed relationship. BOTH need IC and the sooner they realize this, the better. Edited February 6, 2015 by Sticky Fingers

[Josmatjes]

There was nothing saintly about me and the prostitutes. I wasn't doing it with the intention of providing them a means to get a roof. I was doing it for my own selfish desires.

I would take chocolates for them. I would tell them the most cheesy cheesy lines I could find on Google searches to make them all giggly with me in bed. But as soon as I was done I would throw the money on their faces and sarcastically say "Thank you madam for your services". I went there solely with one motto: GET THEM HIGH, LEAVE THEM DOWN

You are truly mentally unstable!!! You can always tell a persons character by how they treat another human being!! You are vile! Wonder what your dear folks would think of you! Disgusting!

 

 

If you want to know what kind of a relationship we had, read my response in post #51

Doesn't matter what kind of relationship you had...grow up!

[Josmatjes]

So a committed relationship is null because of geographical distance?

 

Legal whorehouses have strict rules, among them having their girls frequently tested for STDs and the customer using a condom - no condom, no sex. What rules did she apply to the OM to make sure she would not contract STDs from him?

 

 

Quite the opposite. There was no betrayal when he had sex with the prostitutes. No lies and no deception. She on the other hand, lied and deceived him and may have had unprotected sex with a man who may or may not had an STD. If she had sex with the OP, then she put him at risk of contracting an STD from the OM.

 

Probably true, but she also has quite a ways before she is mature enough for a committed relationship. BOTH need IC and the sooner they realize this, the better.

Have you not read what he did to all of those woman. He is just gross and a mean nasty person! Maybe she cheated cause he was a jerk, of course he isn't going to tell us that!

Like I said before, you can always tell someone's true character by how he treats others!

[Spectre]

Thanks for the chuckle.

 

This is easy: woman bad, man good

 

No, this is easy: women is a dirty cheater, guy visited hookers whilst single.

[Spectre]

Ok there is something wrong with you! First off your not married, no ring on her finger and a long distance relationship??

 

None of this excuses cheating, next.

 

You do realize that what you did is 100 times worse cause she at least knew the guy but you went with a stranger who sleeps with anyone.

 

Him not betraying anyone is worse then her utterly betraying him? How's that work out? Do you live in a land with magical butterscotch rivers and tree's made of chocolate? You seem to be talking about a fantasy.

 

You are not a grown man, unfortunately you are a little boy and thank god she got out when she did!

 

Yep, thank god that cheater got away from the person who is not a cheater when she did!

 

Damn this single man for having sex after his girlfriend cheated on him! She was TOTALLY gonna stop riding other dudes once he relocated, after all.

Edited February 7, 2015 by Spectre

[Josmatjes]

None of this excuses cheating, next.

 

 

 

Him not betraying anyone is worse then her utterly betraying him? How's that work out? Do you live in a land with magical butterscotch rivers and tree's made of chocolate? You seem to be talking about a fantasy.

 

 

 

Yep, thank god that cheater got away from the person who is not a cheater when she did!

 

Damn this single man for having sex after his girlfriend cheated on him! She was TOTALLY gonna stop riding other dudes once he relocated, after all.

He's still a loser either way!

[Sticky Fingers]

Have you not read what he did to all of those woman. He is just gross and a mean nasty person! Maybe she cheated cause he was a jerk, of course he isn't going to tell us that!

Like I said before, you can always tell someone's true character by how he treats others!

 

Yes I did and found it disgusting and sickening, but there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for cheating on a person you have professed love and faithfulness. And potentially risking his life through an STD by having sex with him after she had sex with her lover.

 

If he's a loser, what does that make her?

[Ralph79]

Damn this single man for having sex after his girlfriend cheated on him! She was TOTALLY gonna stop riding other dudes once he relocated, after all.

 

Please don't phrase this in a sense that it makes it seem OK to be with prostitutes just because he's single. It's going to hurt him.

 

He had sex with WHORES. Weather it's a worse offense than Cheating is irrelevant here. The OP should have enough self worth to not have to resort to procuring the services of prostitutes to relief sexual tension. Had he done the right thing and courted a girl he would've not been aching for the loins of the cheater today.

 

Also the fact that brothels and whores have existed since the dawn of man doesn't make them acceptable. Spousal abuse has existed as well, that doesn't mean we should all practice it.

 

This is not a competition of who has the moral edge. She cheated , thus I would never trust her. He had sex with prostitutes, put his privates inside where countless others have been. Face to face I would never respect him because he didn't respect himself.

 

Apples and oranges. And from the looks of it, they are going to continue without addressing any issues despite all the advice on this thread otherwise.

 

@Josmatjes

 

"He's still a loser either way!"

That's uncalled for, and not really helpful.

[Sticky Fingers]

Last I remember this is the INFIDELITY forum, is it not? And unless you've been a victim of infidelity yourself, you have no idea of the magnitude of the devastation that it causes.

 

I don't condone his behavior, especially his disgusting and appalling treatment of the women afterwards, but comparing having sex with whores while single with having sex with another while being in a committed relationship and betraying with lies and deception that person you have professed to love and be faithful to, is simply ludicrous.

[Ralph79]

The OP stated in his first post:

 

"Her reason if I can be angry about her cheating, then she also has a right to be angry for me sleeping with whores....."\

 

Thus the main discussion started off with "Does the cheater have a right to be upset at his actions post breakup, sick as they may be."

 

I think the answer is pretty simple. Every human being has a right to an opinion and their thoughts no matter what they've done. In this case the value of said opinion and the credibility of the individual varies depending on their moral character. It's clear that the girl has none.

 

But the guy WANTED her to accept and understand his whorehouse habit and not have issues with it. She has a right to her own opinion. She has a right to have issues with it. She still has basic human rights. I wouldn't personally give a damn what she thinks, but he does.

 

The comparison of transgressions from a moral standpoint maybe ludicrous to some, in either direction, but it is irrelevant and should have no sway in what the OP expected of her from his unnecessary confession. But that is merely my opinion.

[Sticky Fingers]

And lest we forget, prostitutes are human beings to.

[HurtOfGlass]

Ok there is something wrong with you! First off your not married, no ring on her finger and a long distance relationship?? Come on!!

so r u saying that because soldiers stays in camps at faraway places, their girlfriends have every right to cheat on them?

 

You do realize that what you did is 100 times worse cause she at least knew the guy but you went with a stranger who sleeps with anyone. [\QUOTE]

 

Oh really?

 

You sound like you may also have some anger issues..... I mean to wait till the time is right to rip someone up is really cruel. You are not a grown man, unfortunately you are a little boy and thank god she got out when she did!

 

My God, not again!

 

Does some people only come here to bash the people coming here for help?

 

I bet you r a real moral, upstanding citizen who has done nothing to regret in life. But no, ofcourse you do!

[HurtOfGlass]

You are truly mentally unstable!!! You can always tell a persons character by how they treat another human being!! You are vile! Wonder what your dear folks would think of you! Disgusting!

 

What do you me to do? I have said I stopped going there. And I cannot change what I did in the past

Should I cut off my penis in atonement for my sins? And then take that severed penis to the 22 women and show them to prove how regretful I am for my treatment of them?