Have_hope Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Hi all, I used to post here some time ago. To make a long story short, and without dredging up the past (it's no longer painful, I just wish to live in the positive now and not go back over all the details and mistakes) I was the other woman in an affair that lasted 3 years, on and off. My now other half had been married for 10 years and during the course of our affair, had a baby with his wife. It was traumatic and many were hurt. Cut forward 6 years... we are now together and very happy. Have been for a couple of years now. I made the decision to move abroad just over a couple of years ago, best decision I ever made for more reasons than this, but it seemed taking myself entirely out of the equation was a strong message to send. He was separated at this time but still back and forth slightly. He told his wife he loved me, filed for divorce and flew out to see me. The first of many visits during my time there. 18 moths ago I moved back and in with him. We now have a beautiful little girl together and his daughter from the marriage who lives with us for half the week. It's hard to believe what went on before. If I could give one piece of advice it would be to do what is ultimately best for you, not in the hope that your AP will choose you. I chose me and that's what it took. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Very happy for you! Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Were they separated when you met? did they have other problems in marriage beside you? Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Very happy for you! How are you happy for a bad ending,not fair ending? God knows how karm will pay back..that if the marriage was ok before her Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 OP - I agree wholeheartedly with your last line. One needs to be their own best advocate and go from there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Have_hope Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Yes, they did have problems other than 'me'. In fact, I was the very least of them. Now that the dust has settled and she is also in a relationship she would also deem better than her marriage, it isn't just my BF who would tell you that they are better off. And that's not about me, that's about being out of an unhealthy relationship, one that cannot be patched for the sake of children. As far as I'm concerned, that is a happy ending. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 How are you happy for a bad ending,not fair ending? God knows how karm will pay back..that if the marriage was ok before her It's not a bad ending if everyone is happy. Yes it was rocky but it worked out...Most affairs are symptoms of a bigger problem in the marriage, not all but some....I'm happy that it worked for all of them... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Have_hope Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 It's not a bad ending if everyone is happy. Yes it was rocky but it worked out...Most affairs are symptoms of a bigger problem in the marriage, not all but some....I'm happy that it worked for all of them... I think one of those problems is often to find blame externally rather than looking at yourself and your relationship. It's easier to lay it all at the door of the AP. And thank you, Josmatjes. Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I think one of those problems is often to find blame externally rather than looking at yourself and your relationship. It's easier to lay it all at the door of the AP. Yes I agree. But I also know that everyone's situation is different. I think most affairs just happen, it's not premeditated. Also I never blamed my ap for my problems. I take total responsibility for my own unhappiness and for not handling it better. In fact I tell my H not to blame exap but to blame me. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 It's not a bad ending if everyone is happy. Yes it was rocky but it worked out...Most affairs are symptoms of a bigger problem in the marriage, not all but some....I'm happy that it worked for all of them... No they never are a result of the marriage in the slightest. Again infidelity is a symptom of issues within the unfaithful party. As long as people say things like this then they don't have to take total ownership of their actions. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Yes I agree. But I also know that everyone's situation is different. I think most affairs just happen, it's not premeditated. Also I never blamed my ap for my problems. I take total responsibility for my own unhappiness and for not handling it better. In fact I tell my H not to blame exap but to blame me. Affairs are premeditated, you don't go from being a faithful spouse to an unfaithful one without crossing boundaries. With each boundaries you make a decision to cross the next that is premeditation. Your exap was your husbands friend which is a relationship apart from yours which also means your AP betrayed your husband as well as you did. So I think he has every right to blame him. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 It's not a bad ending if a bad marriage got dissolved, too. I'm really happy for you guys. It's nice to hear happy stories. I'm thinking that most of the happy people with these outcomes are too busy being happy to write about it on LS. Thanks for sharing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I don't think the point is that she is now happily married, I think the point is she did what was right for her and would have been OK either way- that's the point I get-not wait it out or play a game and he will come back to you and you will ride off into the sunset-the point, in my mind is-do what is right and healthy for you and no matter what the outcome you will be OK- And DKT3- I agree with you as do therapists with years and years of study and experience-affairs are about those engaged in them, not the marriage- I am not swayed by verbose internet experts on this subject- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Yes, they did have problems other than 'me'. In fact, I was the very least of them. Now that the dust has settled and she is also in a relationship she would also deem better than her marriage, it isn't just my BF who would tell you that they are better off. And that's not about me, that's about being out of an unhealthy relationship, one that cannot be patched for the sake of children. As far as I'm concerned, that is a happy ending. I really hope he marries you since you have had his child. You sacrificed a lot to get him. I hope he really appreciates it for years to come. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Affairs are premeditated, you don't go from being a faithful spouse to an unfaithful one without crossing boundaries. With each boundaries you make a decision to cross the next that is premeditation. Your exap was your husbands friend which is a relationship apart from yours which also means your AP betrayed your husband as well as you did. So I think he has every right to blame him. You didn't have an affair right? Your wife did? You are not an expert on this sir! Sometimes things in life just happen and yes I 100% believe that in most, not all, but most situations people would not cheat if they were happier at home. I was unhappy, I would of never even looked if I wasn't. That's a fact! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 This very well was the happiest ending everyone was looking for. Everyone is open, no secrets/hiding, healthy co-parenting.... Congratulations. Yes, an A happened however it doesn't have to define an unhappy future. It is what it was and it's behind you. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 We had a happy ending/wonderful new beginning as well. It always feels good to know you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Congrats. Link to post Share on other sites
starmar Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 You know, I have been on both sides of the equation. I was a young wife at one time in my life who was devastated when I found out my husband at the time cheated on me, to years later falling into a web with a married guy who was "perpetually" going to get divorced. I think life gives us our lessons as we are ready to handle them and sometimes we end up on both sides of the fence. With that said, I am not looking to judge you or even question what the status of his marriage was when you met him. I think that your post carried a very positive message and that is: choose yourself. I like it. We all make mistakes, none of us are perfect. Like a very wise man once said: whoever is free of sin, throw the first stone. Ironically it was in reference to a situation involving adultery thousands of years ago (there is nothing new under the sun) Your message to choose yourself first, it is a very good message and one that supersedes anything else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 You didn't have an affair right? Your wife did? You are not an expert on this sir! Sometimes things in life just happen and yes I 100% believe that in most, not all, but most situations people would not cheat if they were happier at home. I was unhappy, I would of never even looked if I wasn't. That's a fact! I wholeheartedly agree. Not everyone's life plays out to the same tune. There are many different factors. Poppy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Have_hope Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 My post wasn't to condone my behaviour back then, nor was it to say, "Woohoo! Look what I got!" I want to leave all the mess in the past now, where it belongs, hence the reason for changing name My original LS posts wouldn't convey any confidence that I ought have ended up where I am, and I see the same story repeat itself over and over on this board. I know - I was one. So for me to say choose yourself and walk away is very easy, but I know very well it's so hard at the time. It's funny that when I stopped analysing it and left it entirely that that's when it came to me. When you think it's time to stop settling for less than you want then trust your instinct. Don't worry about not responding etc. it will make no difference to the outcome. If you're the other person in a situation out of your control, there is nothing you can do differently to change their decision to stay - that's why you have to choose you. Link to post Share on other sites
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